Empathy

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

You are not off base macele. Sometimes people veer off of the sympathy train into co-dependence and emeshment.

That's when they disappear and lose perspective, as well as themselves.

Hmmmm....interesting.

I was reading and thinking about this thread and felt like there was another side to this I wanted to raise and didn't know how....right up until Anya hit the nail on the head.

Being raised by and with a pair of angry narcissists, I learned "empathy" early....not in a good way, but as a means of self defense. If I could read what was coming, who was in what mood, and know what would appease....then I was safer. Not safe, but safer.

It's a hard thing to unlearn...feeling like I need to supply all of what everyone wants and needs, place my feelings and needs beneath theirs, etc. I'm learning, and doing better all the time....but that "disappear and lose perspective, as well as themselves"....oh hell yeah.

Thanks Anya.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by JustJo

Being raised by and with a pair of angry narcissists, I learned "empathy" early....not in a good way, but as a means of self defense. If I could read what was coming, who was in what mood, and know what would appease....then I was safer. Not safe, but safer.

It's a hard thing to unlearn...feeling like I need to supply all of what everyone wants and needs, place my feelings and needs beneath theirs, etc. I'm learning, and doing better all the time....but that "disappear and lose perspective, as well as themselves"....oh hell yeah.

I think that in the same way we have to set boundaries with others in relation to us, we have to set boundaries with ourselves in relation to others.

We have to have some sort of healthy stopping point before taking on others' problems or always putting others before us.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by JustJo

Hmmmm....interesting.

I was reading and thinking about this thread and felt like there was another side to this I wanted to raise and didn't know how....right up until Anya hit the nail on the head.

Being raised by and with a pair of angry narcissists, I learned "empathy" early....not in a good way, but as a means of self defense. If I could read what was coming, who was in what mood, and know what would appease....then I was safer. Not safe, but safer.

Jo, I totally get where you're coming from. My mom was a textbook Narcissist, and empathy was a complete defense mechanism for me. Her anger was like wildfire in the wind; you never knew where or when it would strike. To this day, when she is upset, even from a long distance, I feel my stomach knot up.

Originally Posted by JustJo

It's a hard thing to unlearn...feeling like I need to supply all of what everyone wants and needs, place my feelings and needs beneath theirs, etc. I'm learning, and doing better all the time....but that "disappear and lose perspective, as well as themselves"....oh hell yeah.

Thanks Anya.

I second all this! And it is very hard to unlearn, but absolutely necessary, as I am finding out, to having any kind of healthy relationship.



To all of us trying to do away with old habits....

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by JustJo

Hmmmm....interesting.

I was reading and thinking about this thread and felt like there was another side to this I wanted to raise and didn't know how....right up until Anya hit the nail on the head.

Being raised by and with a pair of angry narcissists, I learned "empathy" early....not in a good way, but as a means of self defense. If I could read what was coming, who was in what mood, and know what would appease....then I was safer. Not safe, but safer.

It's a hard thing to unlearn...feeling like I need to supply all of what everyone wants and needs, place my feelings and needs beneath theirs, etc. I'm learning, and doing better all the time....but that "disappear and lose perspective, as well as themselves"....oh hell yeah.

Thanks Anya.

What you learned as a kid Jo—wow that feels so familiar. It reminds me of what I was hearing and how I felt when I went to my first Al Anon meeting, and the children of alcoholics were talking about that very thing.

Empathy as self defense. Ouch. That is definitely me sometimes.

[RockOn]

Runner, thank you for this topic. Great idea for a discussion. It is almost midnight and must get to bed soon.

I will be back .
Thanks again.
Brock