Dating other femmes exes: what do you think?

[The_Lady_Snow]

See I don't see the Junior high telephone game going on you're speaking of gaea, maybe it's because some of the Femme's posting happen to be real time, online friends so therefore some folks are posting from their POV. I went and re-read the OP her questions opened up this conversation to a wide variety of different opinions, thoughs, and personal experiences.

It happens in ALL threads, the conversation takes on different highways, roads, intersections where no ones experience or words will match.

Or maybe I'm missing something or have forgotten what Junior High was like, thank Hey Zeus I have cause Jr High SUCKED!

[gaea]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

See I don't see the Junior high telephone game going on you're speaking of gaea, maybe it's because some of the Femme's posting happen to be real time, online friends so therefore some folks are posting from their POV. I went and re-read the OP her questions opened up this conversation to a wide variety of different opinions, thoughs, and personal experiences.

It happens in ALL threads, the conversation takes on different highways, roads, intersections where no ones experience or words will match.

Or maybe I'm missing something or have forgotten what Junior High was like, thank Hey Zeus I have cause Jr High SUCKED!

right? It did for me as well....

I have this sort of logical brain though that wanted to see the questions addressed and flirting became about dating and sex and what have you....I have enjoyed the thread and all the different views.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by gaea

right? It did for me as well....

I have this sort of logical bran though that wanted to see the questions addressed and flirting became about dating and sex and what have you....I have enjoyed the thread and all the different views.

Well, flirting for "me" doesn't nor should it lead to fucking/dating, it's an art. Unless the intent is to fuck/date I'm going go with the "flirt" is different be it body language, the change in energy etc.

Online flirtations are gonna be harder to interpret because of the lack of physical viewing.

I hope I'm making sense.

[gaea]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Well, flirting for "me" doesn't nor should it lead to fucking/dating, it's an art. Unless the intent is to fuck/date I'm going go with the "flirt" is different be it body language, the change in energy etc.

Online flirtations are gonna be harder to interpret because of the lack of physical viewing.

I hope I'm making sense.

you are making absolute sense to me....that was my point....and who are we in all honesty to trash a femme sister based on our own experiences....

this girl a stranger to all of us as well as the OP isn't even here to defend herself.....and what the OP heard is rumor at best.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by gaea

you are making absolute sense to me....that was my point....and who are we in all honesty to trash a femme sister based on our own experiences....

this girl a stranger to all of us as well as the OP isn't even here to defend herself.....and what the OP heard is rumor at best.

Not all Femmes are my sisters I'll be their ally, supporter etc. I can't date my sister or brother

[gaea]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Not all Femmes are my sisters I'll be their ally, supporter etc. I can't date my sister or brother

right i agree....

so where does the stranger owe some sort of sister code to the friend of the OP?
there's just way to many variables here
and it sorta feels like a witch hunt if i may.....

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by gaea

right i agree....

so where does the stranger owe some sort of sister code to the friend of the OP?
there's just way to many variables here
and it sorta feels like a witch hunt if i may.....

I think when our friends are hurt we support them and listen and shake em when they're being irrational.

I don't think Anya is rousing up the masses and lighting torches, or at least that wasn't the intent * I * read...

I just thought she was asking for input

[aishah]

wow. i went out of town without my computer for one day and now i can't catch up, LOL. i can't wait to read the rest of this thread (maybe later today?) but for now...

i'm friends with almost all of my exes, and it's more or less something i feel comfortable talking to them about. i wouldn't object to a friend dating an ex of mine offhand. there are exes i still carry a bit of a torch for and it's bittersweet when i know they're in a new relationship, so it might take some adjusting for me especially if they were in a new relationship with my friend. but i wouldn't expect friends NOT to date my exes.

i'd talk to a friend before i dated their ex. it's a bit funny - i had a date on wednesday with an (offline) friend's ex - and the friend was the one to set me up with her ex. but they also have a more or less friendly relationship now (they were together for several years). if i knew jumping into a relationship with a friend's ex might cause problems, though, i'd definitely talk with them about it first. it would depend a lot on how my friend felt and why, for me.

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by aishah

wow. i went out of town without my computer for one day and now i can't catch up, LOL. i can't wait to read the rest of this thread (maybe later today?) but for now...

i'm friends with almost all of my exes, and it's more or less something i feel comfortable talking to them about. i wouldn't object to a friend dating an ex of mine offhand. there are exes i still carry a bit of a torch for and it's bittersweet when i know they're in a new relationship, so it might take some adjusting for me especially if they were in a new relationship with my friend. but i wouldn't expect friends NOT to date my exes.
i'd talk to a friend before i dated their ex. it's a bit funny - i had a date on wednesday with an (offline) friend's ex - and the friend was the one to set me up with her ex. but they also have a more or less friendly relationship now (they were together for several years). if i knew jumping into a relationship with a friend's ex might cause problems, though, i'd definitely talk with them about it first. it would depend a lot on how my friend felt and why, for me.

aishah, you absolutely need to come hang out at the pool and drink umbrella drinks with me....because I love this.

For me, this is also where kindness, respect and taking some care for the feelings of people that we once at least claimed to care about comes in. It can be really, really hard to see an ex move on...and if there's overt flirting in front of us or "she's so much better than you" stuff going on....it just hurts.

So....yes, I would date the ex of an acquaintance, but if we ended up at the same event together, for instance, I wouldn't be climbing into my honey's lap and trying to elicit some "get a room" commentary either. Well, I don't do that in public at all anyway, but you get the picture. I think it's perfectly possible to move on without trampling on the feelings of the people we used to be with.

Sometimes it just calls for a little discretion, and I think adults should be capable of that.

I'm still in the "no way in hell when it comes to dating exes of close friends" camp though (with regard to my own choices only)....that would just feel super icky to me personally.

[aishah]

thanks for getting it, jo <3

disclaimer: the following is just my opinion on jealousy from my own personal experience, and how i choose to live my life. not judging anyone else's feelings on this matter.

i think for me there's also an element of - my being polyamorous, to me at least means that i have certain feelings/opinions about jealousy, etc.

one of those feelings/opinions is that - if an ex and a friend dating is bittersweet for me or makes me feel jealous or upset - that feeling jealous or upset is MY problem. not theirs. same goes with a current partner dating someone else. i don't see it as my personal right to say that they should not be happy together because it makes me upset.

obviously there's an element of discretion involved - if we just went through a bad breakup a month ago, don't be an asshat and date my ex and rub it in my face. and ask me first or break it to me gently.

but part of why i don't consider it a right to deny my friends and exes the possibility of dating is because - if it makes me feel shitty, that's because -i- have issues i need to work on. (i mean, unless there are other issues going on, like the ex and the friend shouldn't be together because one of them is a terrible human being, or something.)

[The_Lady_Snow]

I guess for me I'm not going to police or expect for people who I'm not fucking/dating/involved with to filter their PDA. If I can't handle my EX's new interest then *I* need to take myself out of that harms way. Personal responsibility is key to a good healthy start when dealing these situations.


It would be uncomfortable for My Pack if i got all uncomfy cause their father was doing something with Lynn cause they went to Niagara Falls and we didn't. It would be unfair to my peoples.

[gaea]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I guess for me I'm not going to police or expect for people who I'm not fucking/dating/involved with to filter their PDA. If I can't handle my EX's new interest then *I* need to take myself out of that harms way. Personal responsibility is key to a good healthy start when dealing these situations.


It would be uncomfortable for My Pack if i got all uncomfy cause their father was doing something with Lynn cause they went to Niagara Falls and we didn't. It would be unfair to my peoples.

I love this.

[Medusa]

Love this conversation!

I think there is a huge difference in dating the ex of a heart friend and dating the ex of someone with whom you've never had an intimate friend relationship.

Scenario: Let's say June and I have been friends for 10 years and have shared extremely personal things with one another in the confines of our private, loving friendship. Let's say that Jackhammer and I are going through hard times and I confide in June about some of it and she offers advice and a shoulder to lean on. Let's say she even offers a "Ohh girl, I think it's crappy that this is happening and can't believe Jackhammer is treating you this way." She listens to me cry, she offers amazing support.

Let's say Jackhammer and I decide to call it quits.

One month later, June is calling Jackhammer (whom she does not have a primary friendship with but whom she likes as a friend) flirting and asking her on a date. What if she has never once in the 10 years of our friendship picked up the phone to call Jackhammer but has chosen this time to express her interest?

Do I get to feel betrayed by that? Do I get to question why my friend of 10 years would essentially smile in my face and offer support during my breakup all the while planning to move in once she feels the time is right. Do I get to wonder if the entire duration of our friendship, she held some kind of secret torch for my then-partner that she was not willing to discuss with me?

What I'm trying to illustrate is the betrayal of the friendship, not an ownership issue with my 'ex'.

I'd probably feel pretty betrayed for having confided in my friend and operated on the knowledge that she cared about the outcome of my breakup because she wanted me to be happy, not because she had a stake in having a chance at my ex. Does that make sense?

I don't even think that is a Femme code. It's a friend code to me. My heart friends, my sistergirls who I will call when I'm at my lowest, those people who get to have access to me when I'm feeling vulnerable? People like Snowy and Arwen and Bubblin' and Juney and Jennifer and Julie and and and, these are people whom I trust to be honest with me and to operate with integrity. I think it's a mutual agreement.

[Toughy]

It's a shame this is in the femme zone because this so-called code exists in the butch world and actually in everyone's world. I'm with honeyb on this and don't subscribe to any kind of code other than being an adult and acting like an adult.

by Anya

As I have said in many posts since I joined, that is the beauty of the Planet: that we are all entitled to our reactions, both positive and negative and I believe that several folks in this thread agreed and several did not.

I don't believe anyone has advocated dating a close friend's ex without talking to the friend first.

Where folks have had different opinions is about flirting and dating the ex of an acquaintance or someone in your greater social circle.

By the way....like Snow said flirting is not fucking and I have never understood why people get their noses bent out of shape over flirting with someone.....ex of a close friend or not, attached or not.

[Kätzchen]

I'm uber-sensitive to items of interest such as the scenario Anya described. I also believe how a person handles such issues largely exemplifies the system of values and ethics that govern their 'universe'.

I do not even think once or twice about such things.

Even here at home, my constellation of close friends is very small;
and my friendships are mostly life long, established friendships.

My priori remains and retains loyalty to those who are near and dear
to my heart. I would never cross that boundary out of mutual respect
for heart issues that are central to maintaining a healthy relationship
with these particular friendship relationships.