How do you communicate when you're angry?

[Soon]

In my family, anger was never taught or modelled as being a healthy expression of how one felt.

I think this was especially true for the women in my family (three daughters--one brother--who was the oldest). Aggression (unfortunately, even physical) was sometimes ok for my dad and my brother, but I was one of the only one of the daughters of three, who ranted and raged as a teenager and fought the perceived injustices of my family. I actually think my *acting out* was better than one sister who, I think, internalized all her anger at certain aspects of our childhood and was fraught with eating disorders and a severe depression.

I still am dealing with the ramifications of being *that* middle child who rebelled. I think that teenage rebellion was, in part, being so frustrated, so angry, that there was no healthy means of communication to express any emotions about shit that happened in our family.


Every vulnerable emotion in my family was tight -- emotions under wrap (love or anger or hurt) -- especially as something as vulnerable and revealing as expressing anger. There were a lot of silences, unspoken words and tension in my childhood household.

Unfortunately, not having any ways to express anger, as a child, manifests into now avoiding this emotion whereby I sometimes suppress it or it comes out at random times in ways that are not accessible to a partner. I have, in the past, chosen someone whose anger is greater than mine (about life or whatever). It is easier for me to deal with theirs so I don't have to face mine anymore? Usually, I will choose to be with someone where I KNOW it will be really peaceful--whether they have anger or not--we both know to be mostly calm and no explosions and find ways to work around the usual anger stuff that comes up in relos.

So, getting back to the question--umm. I don't yell. I withdraw. Sometimes too much. But, sometimes, I need just a bit of space and secretly hope they come back to me and ask me about stuff and make sure I'm alright. That sounds a bit selfish. If they don't do that, I usually always crawl out of my hole and find a way to talk about it.

[BrutalDaddy]

I DID NOT SAY THAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M YELLING. NO I'M NOT!



That's The Gist Of It,
Brute.

[cinnamongrrl]

Ahem.... I will be the FIRST to admit that I don't communicate well when I am angry. I blame my DNA. I am Irish, French and Italian....all bad tempers. When I am angry I need to process. That typically means I need to remove myself from the situation and settle things in my mind before I open my mouth. That works best for me since I do tend to bring out the big verbal guns when I'm upset. Giving myself time and distance gives me the chance to figure out what's REALLY bothering me. Chances are it's not even the situation at hand. That's why percolating is soo important.

[easygoingfemme]

Kind of depends on who/what I'm angry with.

I'm not quick to anger, that's for sure.

My natural first approach is to communicate what has made me angry, why, and what I would like to see happen about it- or communicate the problem and see (if there is another direct person involved) what they have in response. End goal being peaceful resolution.

If they get defensive/yell- I let it be known I won't communicate like that and ask for the situation to be revisited when a rational discussion can happen.

If it's a situation with a person trying to provoke anger in me, I've learned to practice non-reaction. Which is hard because I might be reacting strongly inside but have made the choice not to feed the fire when it's just someone who is feeling a need to argue with me.

If it's an external situation over which I have no power, I remind myself that it's not a situation over which I have control and work toward accepting it and deciding how I will let it impact me.

[Darbonaire]

Originally Posted by BrutalDyke

I DID NOT SAY THAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M YELLING. NO I'M NOT!



That's The Gist Of It,
Brute.

Great answer ^5....LOL

[femmsational]

I grit my teeth and spit out words. That is if I'm REALY angry.

I so rarely get angry that I don't really know my angry communication style.

LOL!! I have been told I turn into a sailor. I curse a lot anyway but I guess when I'm really mad, I come up with some doozeys.

Interesting thread.

PS...I've also been told that i get this really small smile. The Brutal One does NOT like this smile.

[spritzerJ]

Originally Posted by femmsational

I grit my teeth and spit out words. That is if I'm REALY angry.

I so rarely get angry that I don't really know my angry communication style.

LOL!! I have been told I turn into a sailor. I curse a lot anyway but I guess when I'm really mad, I come up with some doozeys.

Interesting thread.

PS...I've also been told that i get this really small smile. The Brutal One does NOT like this smile.

Okay when I get angry I usually want to write or I talk a lot. I can go for hours. I get very literal and specific. It becomes crystal clear to me... and no one else.

I curse tons. If I am saying the same thing 2 or more times then I am really trying to stop myself from going further and saying more. cause it isn't pretty.

And that small smile, smirk, et.... ya um it is me deciding someone is going down. So it isn't going to go well. And so when I get to that point I try to stop myself hard.

[femmsational]

Originally Posted by spritzerJ

Okay when I get angry I usually want to write or I talk a lot. I can go for hours. I get very literal and specific. It becomes crystal clear to me... and no one else.

I curse tons. If I am saying the same thing 2 or more times then I am really trying to stop myself from going further and saying more. cause it isn't pretty.

And that small smile, smirk, et.... ya um it is me deciding someone is going down. So it isn't going to go well. And so when I get to that point I try to stop myself hard.

LOL!! That's exactly right. When it gets to the point that the "smile" comes out, it's usually about the time I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of the body. Have to rein back REAL quick. hehehe

I get the crystal clear to you part. I'm the same way. But I always assume it's because they are just too stupid to figure out the truth. Remember, this is when I'm angry, not rational

[Glenn]

Well, it depends who it's with. If it's with my alpha femme boss who pays me, well....I would look awed, be patient, peaceful, listen attentively, agree with it all, (even if I don't believe a word of it), let it slide, tell her I can handle it, everything is fine, fix it, business as usual.
If it's with someone else I rarely see to argue with, yelling would work really well, but that is reserved for special occasions. It's usually, "I'll talk to you later", or "I'll think about it." and leave.
If it's with someone who has been regularly abusive, before I leave, I will treat them as they treat me, involve others, if it gets rough call 911, and bring it in the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse.

[ahk]

I don't communicate when I'm angry. I just wait til I'm calm and then I speak--

[Novelafemme]

I go for a walk.

It always works.

If someone told me to "shut up" we would no longer be friends/a couple/partners. It's just not ok.

[bigbutchmistie]

I really dont say anything. I just become really quite. When I get done being mad then Im ready to talk about it...

[macele]

you know sometimes we wonder (well i do.) if we've changed. that, "have i changed?" i've changed. i really have. oh my. when i get angry, there is no telling what i will say and do. i can't control it at all. it's unreal how much i've changed. i used to be quiet, walk away. and i used to let things go. i think that i can still do that at times, let it go. but only after i have shook the walls.

[cinderella]

I scream a lot.

[Talon]

I withdraw and disappear.

I don't like to say things that are completely fueled by emotion...So, I take as much time as is needed, to think about what I really think, and what I truly feel.

[Sarafemme]

I have a really hard time dealing with my own anger. For years, I've been "too nice" and when I get mad at someone, I usually end up crying and then withdrawing. That all changed the summer before last.

Just to clarify: I am married (to a man) and have been for the past seven years. I finally admitted my longstanding feelings for women (to myself) a couple of months ago (I had fallen into an emotional affair with an online friend of mine; we had never met in person but my feelings were so strong and it echoed many crushes I had had on various women for years. She hadn't returned the feelings, but had called me out on the crush and basically helped me admit my bisexuality). My marriage is troubled for other reasons, though (though this is certainly a big enough reason in and of itself).

Anyway, the summer of 2011, my husband and I were on an island in a vacation home with 17 other members of his immediate family for one week's time. Everyone generally gets along, but I've always felt like an outsider (they are all Catholic and 'traditional family' types).

So, on this vacation, I was sitting with my laptop in the family room; my husband's dad was napping on the couch. All of a sudden, he awakens from his nap and stares at me as though I am an alien from another planet. I have always had weird vibes from him; like he doesn't like me or disapproves of me in some way. Little did I know just how much. So, he says, "Sara, this might not be any of my business, but have you been having sex with my son?"

I was shocked and didn't know how to respond, but after awhile, I choked out, 'Yes, of course!' (in actuality, it had taken four years for us to consumate our marriage due to my sexual anxiety and his selfishness and temper issues, but I wasn't going to admit that to my father-in-law). Anyway, he said, "Well, you talked about maybe trying for a baby 3-4 years ago; it's been a long time and still no baby. My son is very disappointed and sad and upset; he's depressed and doesn't know what to do. You are a disappointment to him."

Then he stormed out of the room.

I sat there in shock before taking my computer upstairs and promptly bawling my eyes out. I stayed up there for hours. Thankfully, I had a good online friend that I was able to talk to the whole time, which helped immeasurably. My husband finally came upstairs to find me and to ask what was wrong. When I told him what had happened between his dad and me, he was shocked and said he had never said anything to his father about our problems, and that he would go downstairs and confront him. So, he did, and was gone for at least 2 hours. When he came back upstairs to find me, he said, "Do you want to leave me?" (I told him I certainly felt like it, but we were on an island and none of the ferries were leaving at that time of night). Then he said, "My dad says he's sorry; he's actually crying and feels awful; so, can you forgive him?'

That got my blood boiling. As if it was as simple a matter as "sorry" and "I forgive you". I told him that his dad would have to say it to my face, and further, there would be no guarantee I would forgive him then or ever, though perhaps with time I could. This upset my husband: 'He said he was sorry; what else do you want from him!' He then defended himself, saying all he had told his father about us was, 'My wife and I are having issues' and that his father had somehow guessed what those issues were. He said, "My father doesn't speak for me."

The next morning, I refused to join them for breakfast, and so my husband's mother came upstairs to try and smooth things over. She apologized for her husband's behavior and said he'd had too much to drink the previous night and didn't mean what he'd said. She said that, "My son loves you; we all love you" I told him, "If your son loves me, he certainly has a questionable way of showing it!' At this point, I was still crying a little, but I was able to state my case with true anger rather than passivity, probably for the first time. Thankfully, this marked the final day of the vacation. As we were leaving, my father-in-law, looking ashamed, came up to the car and said, "I'm sorry, Sara; I hope we can work through this." I just nodded as we left; it was a long 7-hour drive home. My husband barely said two words to me.

Now, our relationship is civil but that's it. I still have a feeling he doesn't approve of me. My husband and I are in marriage counseling for issues beyond just this (my questions about my sexuality have not come up; I'm still keeping this to myself, and to this forum). My husband is working on his temper issues, but gets upset if I raise my voice even a little "Don't yell at me!' he whines like a child. This just goes to show for how long I've kept my unpleasant feelings at bay. It's a work in progress, but I'm trying to be more authentic to my feelings, good or bad.

[bright_arrow]

It depends on the person, the topic at hand.

I've never been much of a physical person, or yelling. I shut down, I get quiet, I try to remove myself. Sometimes it builds up so much it is literally impossible for me to talk. Being continually confronted and pushed at this point, I start to seethe and detest the person pushing me on, particularly when they know how I react and try to keep me there without letting me walk out.

When it's quick irritation/dislike, I can be sarcastic and give off "vibes". If you can't pick up on what I clearly perceive as wrong, I likely won't say anything until some time has passed/we're not in that situation and then say "Hey, you know earlier? I didn't like ________".

If it's through text I will set it down and ignore it until I can settle my emotions and be kind without being snappy and aggressive.

If someone is quick to make a worse case scenario before they even clarify/inform me something is wrong, it triggers an instant F U attitude and I have to really repress it.

ETA: If all else fails, loud screaming rock music via headphones [no, seriously]. Quite likely with my head under a pillow or three.

[princessbelle]

Like most people who have posted, it depends...on a lot. As in; who, what, when, where and how.

But, i believe the wording is the key in this question and it is all about communication. If things can be communicated, generally, i've found two people, or more than two, or employers can at least agree to disagree. And with that communication MUST come listening and caring what the other person is trying to convey.

If communication does not work and things are still heated, after trying and trying and trying....I simply shut down, totally. No going back for me. When it gets to that point. I'm done either with the conversation, situation or people.

Case in point: I worked for a Nursing Agency for 14 years. I loved the job and the people i worked with and my patients. As time went on, they were more and more about the bottom line and less and less about patient care. Now, this is a not for profit agency, just to be clear. Either way though, even if had been for profit, the way they started treating their employees and patients was despicable. I became very angry. I talked to my boss. Then to my boss's boss. I had meetings. I wrote emails. I tried to communicate, but it was to no avail.

End of story, i took all i could take and when i was done. I was done. I walked away. Good news is this led me to the job of my dreams and i've never been happier.

Communicating when angry is hard. I believe gathering your wits, seeing things from all angles, regrouping and trying to communicate when things settle is most effective, regardless of the outcome. Listening being a major form of communication. And if all parties are not responsive to communication, either drop it if it's not that important, or do something about it.

[betruetoyoursoul]

....I am a person that tends to pick up emotions within a person and tension in all situations....My approach is to listen respectfully, share my perception of what I am hearing and ask for clarity , as I could be wrong.....I also tend to ask " What do you hear me saying?" ( in a tense situation) I can then clarify what my thought is and intention is/was if it has not been perceived/articulated in a way the other person heard me....I prefer not to sweep things under the carpet but to address things in a thoughtful way without degrading, yelling etc. and do a check in with the person....I have found this method to provide most often good results.....One of my personal boundaries is to never hit below the belt...... I tend to try not to provoke another person to anger...I would prefer a healthy conversation with respect....

[randrum]

I tend not to be real good at communicating when I'm angry. I have a habit of shutting down when I'm really angry. I need time to walk away, collect my thoughts, and come back to the topic with a level-headed, logical statement.