Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[Semantics]

I adopted my daughter (who is just about to turn 16). She came to live with me the first time when she was four.

She doesn't see her biological mother. It's an open adoption, but bio mom has chosen not to contact us for years.

Recently, my daughter's grandmother (who we hadn't heard from for 3 years) sent us pictures of a baby girl and told us that bio mom had another baby. The letter didn't include much information other than a complaint that the baby was half black and telling us that bio mom was doing ok and working at Wendy's.

Apoc, your post just really resonated because I know she has to be thinking that her mother gave her away and then had another daughter.

I ask her how she feels and she mostly expresses worry that her sister is being neglected and abused just as she was. The background of the pictures made it clear that the environment was filthy and my daughter picked up on that immediately.

I wish there were some way to assure her that it wasn't about her in a way that she would believe it, but I worry that, like you, in twenty years, she is still going to be asking herself why she wasn't good enough.

If you can post or pm me links to the books you mentioned I would appreciate it. I'd like to read them myself.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Semantics

I adopted my daughter (who is just about to turn 16). She came to live with me the first time when she was four.

She doesn't see her biological mother. It's an open adoption, but bio mom has chosen not to contact us for years.

Recently, my daughter's grandmother (who we hadn't heard from for 3 years) sent us pictures of a baby girl and told us that bio mom had another baby. The letter didn't include much information other than a complaint that the baby was half black and telling us that bio mom was doing ok and working at Wendy's.

Apoc, your post just really resonated because I know she has to be thinking that her mother gave her away and then had another daughter.

I ask her how she feels and she mostly expresses worry that her sister is being neglected and abused just as she was. The background of the pictures made it clear that the environment was filthy and my daughter picked up on that immediately.

I wish there were some way to assure her that it wasn't about her in a way that she would believe it, but I worry that, like you, in twenty years, she is still going to be asking herself why she wasn't good enough.

If you can post or pm me links to the books you mentioned I would appreciate it. I'd like to read them myself.

Just that your daughter has a parent (You) who understands and wants to help will mean the world to her in 20 years.

Does she remember the adoption and what things were like before?

I will send you the links in a minute...have to find them on Amazon.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Going to try to make sense and not ramble here. I am the Aunt of two incredible, wonderful children. My Sister could not have children from her body, so she adopted; they are the children of our hearts.

The birth parents were married, and between them they had 5 other children. When they found out my neice was on her way, they went the open adoption route because California would no longer pay extra for any additional children born to them on welfare, and they wanted to be in her life. Then they became pregnant with my nephew, and decided that they would go ahead and keep a boy! OMG, can you imagine what that would have done to my neice? Anyway, they wound up letting my nephew be adopted, and the last we heard 10 years or so ago, the family lost all 5 children due to neglect and abuse. My sister tried everything she could think of to find those children and bring them home with her, but no one would help.

So, now my neice and nephew live with the fact that they are blood brother and sister, they were given away, and their siblings are God knows where.

Thank you for this thread, and the insight I am given into what people think and ways in which I can possibly help the people I love.

Blessings

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Blushingfemme

Going to try to make sense and not ramble here. I am the Aunt of two incredible, wonderful children. My Sister could not have children from her body, so she adopted; they are the children of our hearts.

The birth parents were married, and between them they had 5 other children. When they found out my neice was on her way, they went the open adoption route because California would no longer pay extra for any additional children born to them on welfare, and they wanted to be in her life. Then they became pregnant with my nephew, and decided that they would go ahead and keep a boy! OMG, can you imagine what that would have done to my neice? Anyway, they wound up letting my nephew be adopted, and the last we heard 10 years or so ago, the family lost all 5 children due to neglect and abuse. My sister tried everything she could think of to find those children and bring them home with her, but no one would help.

So, now my niece and nephew live with the fact that they are blood brother and sister, they were given away, and their siblings are God knows where.

Thank you for this thread, and the insight I am given into what people think and ways in which I can possibly help the people I love.

Blessings

Your post made my hair crawl. People need to use birth control!

I am so glad your niece and nephew ended up in a good place and that your sister was able to help keep them together and that they have you.

If they do ever get the opportunity to meet their blood relatives, I think it would be a god idea to make sure they clearly know that these people were likely brought up very differently than they were and may not be what they expect. (in fact it is likely considering the circumstances that they may not be pleased with what they find) There is not always a happy Oprah moment.

I wish you and your sister and the kids all happiness and peace!

[Apocalipstic]

I decided to post the books that my therapist suggested I read here, in case anyone else missed them or needs resources and does not want to read the entire thread.


Adoption Healing...a Path to Recovery by Joe Soll

Primal Wound by Nancy Veverier

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness by Betty Jean Lifton

The one I found most helpful was Primal Wound, but all had good information from different standpoints.

[SuperFemme]

This story broke my heart, and makes me wonder when there are going to be policies put into place regarding International Adoptions...I mean, a kid is not a puppy. You can't return it. On the other hand families are getting damaged children that end up putting everyone in the home in danger.

Return of adopted child angers Russia

Boy sent from US, with note, on 1-way flight

By Nataliya Vasilyeva and Kristin M. Hall, Associated Press | April 10, 2010
MOSCOW — Russia threatened to suspend all adoptions by US families yesterday after a 7-year-old boy adopted by a woman from Tennessee was sent alone on a one-way flight back to Moscow with a note saying he was violent and had severe psychological problems.

The boy, Artyom Savelyev, was put on a plane by his adopted grandmother, Nancy Hansen of Shelbyville.

Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov called the actions by the grandmother “the last straw’’ in a string of US adoptions gone wrong, including three in which Russian children had died in the United States.

In an exclusive interview with ABC News’s George Stephanopoulos, President Dmitry Medvedev of Russia said the boy “fell into a very bad family.’’

“It is a monstrous deed on the part of his adoptive parents, to take the kid and virtually throw him out with the airplane in the opposite direction and to say, ‘I’m sorry I could not cope with it, take everything back’ is not only immoral but also against the law,’’ Medvedev said.

The cases have prompted outrage in Russia, where foreign adoption failures are reported prominently. Russian main TV networks ran extensive reports on the latest incident in their main evening news shows.
The education ministry immediately suspended the license of the group involved in the adoption — the World Association for Children and Parents, a Renton, Wash.-based agency — for the duration of an investigation.
In Tennessee, authorities were investigating the adoptive mother, Torry Hansen, 33.

Any possible freeze could affect hundreds of American families. Last year, nearly 1,600 Russian children were adopted in the United States.
“We’re obviously very troubled by it,’’ State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley said in Washington when asked about the boy’s case. He told reporters that the United States and Russia share a responsibility for the child’s safety and Washington will work closely with Moscow to make sure adoptions are legal and appropriately monitored.

Asked whether he thought a suspension by Russia was warranted, Crowley said, “If Russia does suspend cooperation on the adoption, that is its right. These are Russian citizens.’’

The boy arrived unaccompanied in Moscow on a United Airlines flight on Thursday from Washington. Social workers sent him to a Moscow hospital for a medical checkup and criticized his adoptive mother for abandoning him.

The Kremlin children’s rights office said the boy was carrying a letter from his adoptive mother saying she was returning him because of his severe psychological problems.

“This child is mentally unstable. He is violent and has severe psychopathic issues,’’ the letter said. “I was lied to and misled by the Russian Orphanage workers and director regarding his mental stability and other issues.
“After giving my best to this child, I am sorry to say that for the safety of my family, friends, and myself, I no longer wish to parent this child.’’
The boy was adopted in September from the town of Partizansk in Russia’s Far East.

Nancy Hansen, the grandmother, told the Associated Press that she and the boy flew to Washington and she put the child on the plane with the note from her daughter. She vehemently rejected assertions of child abandonment by Russian authorities, saying he was watched over by a United Airlines stewardess and the family paid a man $200 to pick the boy up at the Moscow airport and take him to the Russian Education and Science Ministry.

http://www.boston.com/news/world/eur...russia?mode=PF

[sweetcali]

When I saw this online all I could do was cry. I watched the news story also it made me sick to my stomach to think that people would do such a thing. With all of the news about the orphanages in the US and outside of hte US and how these children are treated; how on earth could someone NOT know that there may or may not be some issues that you as the future parent will have to deal with and learn how to help this child. In my thinking and brain I seriously do NOT understand the actions of these parents or the other parents I watched on the broadcast. How can someone be so self centered with regard to adoption of a child?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Hello people most of these children don't even know what a real hug is let alone ........

sweetcali

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

This story broke my heart, and makes me wonder when there are going to be policies put into place regarding International Adoptions...I mean, a kid is not a puppy. You can't return it. On the other hand families are getting damaged children that end up putting everyone in the home in danger.

Return of adopted child angers Russia

Boy sent from US, with note, on 1-way flight

By Nataliya Vasilyeva and Kristin M. Hall, Associated Press | April 10, 2010
MOSCOW — Russia threatened to suspend all adoptions by US families yesterday after a 7-year-old boy adopted by a woman from Tennessee was sent alone on a one-way flight back to Moscow with a note saying he was violent and had severe psychological problems.

The boy, Artyom Savelyev, was put on a plane by his adopted grandmother, Nancy Hansen of Shelbyville.

Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov called the actions by the grandmother “the last straw’’ in a string of US adoptions gone wrong, including three in which Russian children had died in the United States.

In an exclusive interview with ABC News’s George Stephanopoulos, President Dmitry Medvedev of Russia said the boy “fell into a very bad family.’’

“It is a monstrous deed on the part of his adoptive parents, to take the kid and virtually throw him out with the airplane in the opposite direction and to say, ‘I’m sorry I could not cope with it, take everything back’ is not only immoral but also against the law,’’ Medvedev said.

The cases have prompted outrage in Russia, where foreign adoption failures are reported prominently. Russian main TV networks ran extensive reports on the latest incident in their main evening news shows.
The education ministry immediately suspended the license of the group involved in the adoption — the World Association for Children and Parents, a Renton, Wash.-based agency — for the duration of an investigation.
In Tennessee, authorities were investigating the adoptive mother, Torry Hansen, 33.

Any possible freeze could affect hundreds of American families. Last year, nearly 1,600 Russian children were adopted in the United States.
“We’re obviously very troubled by it,’’ State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley said in Washington when asked about the boy’s case. He told reporters that the United States and Russia share a responsibility for the child’s safety and Washington will work closely with Moscow to make sure adoptions are legal and appropriately monitored.

Asked whether he thought a suspension by Russia was warranted, Crowley said, “If Russia does suspend cooperation on the adoption, that is its right. These are Russian citizens.’’

The boy arrived unaccompanied in Moscow on a United Airlines flight on Thursday from Washington. Social workers sent him to a Moscow hospital for a medical checkup and criticized his adoptive mother for abandoning him.

The Kremlin children’s rights office said the boy was carrying a letter from his adoptive mother saying she was returning him because of his severe psychological problems.

“This child is mentally unstable. He is violent and has severe psychopathic issues,’’ the letter said. “I was lied to and misled by the Russian Orphanage workers and director regarding his mental stability and other issues.
“After giving my best to this child, I am sorry to say that for the safety of my family, friends, and myself, I no longer wish to parent this child.’’
The boy was adopted in September from the town of Partizansk in Russia’s Far East.

Nancy Hansen, the grandmother, told the Associated Press that she and the boy flew to Washington and she put the child on the plane with the note from her daughter. She vehemently rejected assertions of child abandonment by Russian authorities, saying he was watched over by a United Airlines stewardess and the family paid a man $200 to pick the boy up at the Moscow airport and take him to the Russian Education and Science Ministry.

http://www.boston.com/news/world/eur...russia?mode=PF

While this is really sad for the children, it does not in any way surprise me, when still the thing to do is give children away in this country, with no answers for the humans just given away.

I guess it seems easier to adopt a child from a far away land when really there is no info for the child of his or her heritage.

You still hear how the children should be thankful how they could have ended up in orphanages or worse.

Whats worse is being given away to adoptive parents who are abusive.

Its horrible the child was sent back, but maybe its for the best.

[Apocalipstic]

I was flipping channels and on Lifetime and there is a movie on about closed adoptions.

It still is going on.

I know Lifetime is fiction...but people still think that if they dont have birth control around, no one will get pregnant. Its not true.

and if someone gets pregnant? give the child away, or endless visits to the doc and planned parenthood for an abortion.

ugh.

[Sam]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I decided to post the books that my therapist suggested I read here, in case anyone else missed them or needs resources and does not want to read the entire thread.


Adoption Healing...a Path to Recovery by Joe Soll

Primal Wound by Nancy Veverier

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness by Betty Jean Lifton

The one I found most helpful was Primal Wound, but all had good information from different standpoints.

Im curious, can you really heal from a closed adoption?

Never knowing anything.

Although im the happiest, level headed male right now, changed in so many ways. I still think and wonder.

I will never know anything, never find my info out. NYS SUCKS, but so many other states are the same.

It's the one thing that i cannot heal from, i WANT answers.

I wanna know who i look like, my heritage, my beginning. cause my present ROCKS!

[Rockinonahigh]

Sam.I hope you get the ansers you are looking for,just breath deep let it come to u.