Long Distance Relationships

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by grenade

Just as possible as my grandparents courting by hand written letter during WWII. They were married till they died. I'm not sure what looking into someone's eyes has to do with falling in love.... magic? What if said person is blind? No magic? No love?

Another case of semantics here. By looking in the eyes, I mean sharing close physical proximity and, certainly for those not of limited sight, I do believe that eye contact is important.

Certainly for me, I yet to fall in love with someone I haven't looked in the eyes and, subject to retaining my sight (I understand other senses probably come in to play more if my sight deteriorates), I'd be very surprised if this changes.

As for your grandparents? The discussion here is about falling in love with someone you haven't met. I don't know your grandparents' history but not sure if that applies to your grandparents or not.

[gotoseagrl]

tough subject. i could go on forever about this. i learned the hardest way that i can't spend years only talking about the "whens" and "ifs" without anything really happening. the only way i could do it again and last is if there would be real goals and happenings that come true soon enough, even if they were just short visits, instead of just words and talking empty promises. the bottom line for me is that the efforts have to be mutual. and i believe they are, naturally, when the desires are the same and both people are on the same page. i also believe it depends on different types of people. i am the type who knows that nothing would keep me from the one i loved & i take opportunities more than making excuses. so i dont do well with someone who thinks and behaves differently and would rather spend forever planning the perfect moment for everything ~ even something as essential as meeting face to face the first time. how many consecutive days can you survive telling each other how badly "i wish you were here" before something gives? it is truly bittersweet.

[SleepyButch]

I do not know if I could do another LDR, meaning someone I could not see several times a month at least or had to fly on a plane to see. It's a lot of work both physically and emotionally. I am not saying that it's not worth it with some people or that others shouldn't try doing it. I think if you like/love someone, go for it. I am an advocate for finding love and if that love is a thousand miles away, make it happen. I am just not sure I can do that anymore although rules are always made to be broken I suppose.

As far as falling in love by chatting/texting/skyping/etc... I believe that is possible. It has happened to me before and I cannot say it won't happen again even if I try to make it not happen like that. The heart does what the heart wants. So do I think I can fall in love with you, your personality, your interactions, your mannerisms, your life, your history before I meet the physical you... yes I do. It's those things that keep people in relationships. I know you have to be physically attracted to someone to a point as well but that's what Skype is for if you cannot meet right away.

I will always be supportive of those who want to try LDRs.. but I agree with some of the others in saying that you cannot have broken promises of being together. You have to mean what you say. That's an essential part of what can make it work.

[Deborah]

LDR's now if you had asked me a few years ago I would have said sure anything can be done if you really want it...then if you had asked me again a couple years later I would have said not really a good idea...

but then today after a almost 2 year LDR (10 hours apart) I would say it can be done and it can be done successfully. Of course as with any relationship you have to be compatible and all the usual stuff that goes into a successful relationship. But we are talking specifically LDR's...the number one thing TRUST...pow that is the start. Self confidence and a true relationship with yourself because you are gonna be alone a lot. For us, there had to be the ability to see each other often enough to get to know each other in real time...at least 3-4 days a month sometimes more....a few week to two week visits. And a commitment and agreement that someday someone would relocate. This was a hard one for me in the beginning because I didn't honestly think I could ever leave my home....but I also knew this was going to come down to me or nothing. Once we saw where we were headed and how well things were going and I had enough visits to love where he lives and to make friends the decision was made.

The getting from we enjoy each others company to I want a life with you involves...being REALLY present in the relationship. I think that MTN and Sylvie have the epitome of a working LDR. I marvel at them because they are so far away from each other....but they do all the right things and TIME...getting to know someone takes TRUST, HONESTY, time and commitment.

[DapperButch]

Ciaran,

I have been saying the thing as you for years, and people have always given me shit about it. Love the way you explained it. Spot on.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Ciaran,

I have been saying the thing as you for years, and people have always given me shit about it. Love the way you explained it. Spot on.

Dapper

I think I'm starting to fall in love with you.

Originally Posted by grenade

it does apply to them. It applies to many I know. My most meaningful relationships have started out as LDR's and YES, before we met face to face.
There is time to talk and truly get to know someone before the physical begins so you can seperate the emotions from the lovin'. It works for me.

To me, it's not about sex or physical intimacy in that sense (I'm on record on this site as saying that I generally don't like having sex with those I'm in love with as I detach sex from love) so it's not about separating emotion from physical love, as I invariably do that anyway.


Furthermore, I agree relationships can start out online / remotely etc. However, there's a very stark difference to me between flirting and communicating remotely which can lead to a relationship and actually "falling in love" through this remote interaction.

Originally Posted by grenade

I don't understand the way you think/feel about this subject anymore than you do I. I don't think it makes any point more valid. It's personal. Perhaps the difference lies in experiences. I haven't had a bad LDR experience. The people I had these relationships with were the same via interwebs, skype, text, in person. I haven't been duped. *shrugs*

In my recent posts on this thread, I have not been discussing the pros or otherwise of LDRs and I had some of these in the past (in fact, the lady from my longest-term LDR travels from San Diego in 48 hours to spend Christmas with me here in the British Isles).

Rather, the issue I'm discussing is falling in love before meeting someone and I maintain that it's not grounded. I haven't done this and I'm hopeful that I won't ever as there's a layer of "genuine" that can be missing from solely online or other forms of media communication.

So, no I haven't been duped on line - equally, I won't be falling in love online either. To me it's "falling in love" with an image or shadow, not a person.

It's too easy for people online to portray an image that's different from reality ..... and it's not about physical features but where they live, conditions in which they live, how they really behave (it's easy to be nice on a few skype calls and texts a week, harder in real life when working 24/7 and struggling to pay bills etc).

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

For me I think there is a difference between loving someone and falling in love with someone.
Now have I fallen "in" love with someone that I have never met before I met them oh I am sure I have. Yet, each one I look back on I can pin point pretty much exactly when I fell "in" love with this person and it usually has occurred during a time spent together.

You will never find me bad mouthing LDRs or saying they are not real or possible. I have had to many that prove they are and can be both. I do disagree that it is easy to pretend to be something your not with text, Skype, and phone calls...is it different sure it is different.

Yet, if I only had good contact with someone I would wonder if they were human...everyone has bad days and moments and they come through in online contact. I know for me there is no way I could pretend I was having a good day even for a few min. let alone each and every time I contacted someone especially if something big or stressful happened that day.

I think it is possible history is full of it....yet, I do think there is a difference between being "in" love with someone and loving someone..I do not think that is just semantics either. I know for me I love someone before I fall in love with them. I also know I ask the woman I am with which she is feeling and if she answers with the "in" I do ask when it happened for her. I can also love someone and never fall "in" love with this person.

Just my thoughts....

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

Dapper

I think I'm starting to fall in love with you.

I'm sure that if we skype 6 hours a night for a week or two, you will be certain of it.

[grenade]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

Another case of semantics here. By looking in the eyes, I mean sharing close physical proximity and, certainly for those not of limited sight, I do believe that eye contact is important.

Certainly for me, I yet to fall in love with someone I haven't looked in the eyes and, subject to retaining my sight (I understand other senses probably come in to play more if my sight deteriorates), I'd be very surprised if this changes.

As for your grandparents? The discussion here is about falling in love with someone you haven't met. I don't know your grandparents' history but not sure if that applies to your grandparents or not.

it does apply to them. It applies to many I know. My most meaningful relationships have started out as LDR's and YES, before we met face to face.
There is time to talk and truly get to know someone before the physical begins so you can seperate the emotions from the lovin'. It works for me.


I don't understand the way you think/feel about this subject anymore than you do I. I don't think it makes any point more valid. It's personal. Perhaps the difference lies in experiences. I haven't had a bad LDR experience. The people I had these relationships with were the same via interwebs, skype, text, in person. I haven't been duped. *shrugs*

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Ciaran,

I have been saying the thing as you for years, and people have always given me shit about it. Love the way you explained it. Spot on.

That's because we just love to give you shit.

[starryeyes]

I think you can get to know eachother and fall in love to a point, but nothing is solidified *until* you meet the person and establish a in-person relationship. You can only do so much via technology. Having a true intimate relationship will never be 100% until you can actually be in eachothers presence and feel the chemistry, smell the pheromones, touch the person and look into their eyes in real-time.

I'm not saying you can't establish a good foundation, but you definitely can't build the whole house. I still agree with Ciaran.

[grenade]

I'm not saying you can't establish a good foundation, but you definitely can't build the whole house. I still agree with Ciaran.

I can. I have. You cant. Ciaran cant. Others may be able to. There is no absolute in this subject.

[gotoseagrl]

Originally Posted by starryeyes

I think you can get to know eachother and fall in love to a point, but nothing is solidified *until* you meet the person and establish a in-person relationship. You can only do so much via technology. Having a true intimate relationship will never be 100% until you can actually be in eachothers presence and feel the chemistry, smell the pheromones, touch the person and look into their eyes in real-time.

I'm not saying you can't establish a good foundation, but you definitely can't build the whole house. I still agree with Ciaran.

amen. spot on.