Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

[apretty]

That's just it--My list was roughly this:

If you find someone who's company you enjoy, and who treats you well, but doesnt measure up to your preferred standards in some way, can you set your list aside and just enjoy the company?

And was never about a bunch unachievable standards. --Though tall, dark and handsome doesn't hurt.

That said, as I matured and had a couple of significant experiences--I knew *kindness* was extremely lacking in the list of qualities that I sought. As soon as I revised my list (and became really super okay with my single lifestyle--basically stopped looking) I met E.

It's funny that 'kindness' was overlooked by me but I just never really saw it modeled in my parents--Though my dad was kind to my mother in his way, my mother could really never receive what passed for his love (and really, vice versa). Needless to say, I've done a lot of work in that department (and continue to do so).

Outside of all of that--Laugh at my humor and make me laugh and I'm seriously your's (E's) forever. --Though kindness, mutual respect and the capacity to give and receive love doesn't hurt, either. <3

[Queerasfck]

Originally Posted by apretty

That said, as I matured and had a couple of significant experiences--I knew *kindness* was extremely lacking in the list of qualities that I sought. As soon as I revised my list (and became really super okay with my single lifestyle--basically stopped looking) I met E.

It's funny that 'kindness' was overlooked by me but I just never really saw it modeled in my parents--Though my dad was kind to my mother in his way, my mother could really never receive what passed for his love (and really, vice versa). Needless to say, I've done a lot of work in that department (and continue to do so).

Outside of all of that--Laugh at my humor and make me laugh and I'm seriously your's (E's) forever. --Though kindness, mutual respect and the capacity to give and receive love doesn't hurt, either. <3

You forgot to mention my sexual prowess.

[Chazz]

Originally Posted by Kobi

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

WELL, pleasant, consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship ARE the bells, whistles, and fireworks ANYMORE.

[Gráinne]

It's been my experience that when I hear bells, whistles and fireworks, I should be listening for sirens and alarms. Danger! Beware!

I don't trust the "Lust at first sight" anymore. Back when I was younger, I would go with it and usually end up with someone with phenomenal sexual chemistry with me, or a great lover, or both. I admit it was fun! However, we usually wouldn't have that much in common in terms of values and goals, and you can't base a lifetime on sex.

I'm fine now taking my time to check out the person, no matter how attractive she is or how attracted I am. If she's worth it, she'll take her time, too. I want great sex, sure, but also the compatibility that you only find by communication.

So I don't call it "settling", as in I'd better take whatever comes down the pike, but instead getting much pickier. I'd rather be happy single than miserable in the wrong relationship again.

[greeneyedgrrl]

Originally Posted by Martina

People can meet all the criteria on your list, and it still might not work. i actually try not to try too hard. i find that the relationships the universe plunks down in front of me tend to work out better than the ones i try to make happen, meaning if i am thinking a lot about it and out there looking, etc. Not that i don't think looking and knowing what you want aren't good. They are.

But i can't trust my addict's brain. i tend to look for people who aren't that great for me. The universe has better plans for me than i do, so i try to pay attention to that.

i can totally relate to that!

Originally Posted by bigbutchmistie

It's gone from she must look like this and make z amount of money to will she make me laugh would I feel safe around her can I trust her without reservation. If I lost everything would she still love me and be my.cheerleader. I guess the older I get the.less picky I am. Now I don't expect someone to be anything than I'm not.

There is a huge difference in my list that I looked for in my 20's than what I seek in my mid thirties. But for me I have a basic list now and those are things for me that are not negotiab. So for me settling is not an option.

Yes I get lonely and sometimes ache so bad inside to be with someone. But the RIGHT person for me will only do. Settling is never right for both parties involved. Just my .02

i totally agree... and ugh the last part... i've been having to remind myself of that a lot lately, i keep finding people i'm not compatible with
(or they find me)...

Originally Posted by JustJo

If anything, I'm quicker to call a halt when I see a deal-breaker as I age. When I was younger, I tended to make more excuses for other people's bad behavior...which never works.

exactly!

[Gaige]

yes, i have a partner wishlist and I have revised it. Initially I wanted a woman around my age +/- 5 years. Now that's not so important to me.

[dixie]

I have wishlists. Some things change accordingly as I change and grow as an individual. Most core values/etc stay the same. As it stands, the heart of my list all boils down to someone who's quirks are compatible with mine so that we can truly enjoy each other.

[Gemme]

If he can't dunk, I don't want him.

[musicman]

I have never had a wish list, I certainly look for certain qualities or characteristics in a potential life partner. I would think we all do. There has to be some common ground between the two of us. There is only soooo much sex one can have before you eventually are going to have to talk to that person.

I don't think there is anyone here that gets up in the morning and says I'd like to find someone who can look me in the eyes and outright lie to me. Or someone that is going to cheat on me first chance they get. I think we all have the "basic needs" in a partner.

We've all made mistakes and decisions that we regret now in our lives. I know I have made some astronomical mistakes and decisions in my lifetime that has altered my entire being.

I use to lean towards women with a certain hair color but I realized there were so many wonderfully women out there that I was missing. If you can find a partner that can hear your life story, the good parts and not skip pass the bad parts.See all your "warts" and still be standing in front of you with love in their eyes and not running for the hills, folks you have a keeper.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Life changes at the drop of a penny. I never thought I would be fat at 30 something since I was always always thin. I never thought I would have a heart attack at 46 yo. I never thought I would bury my sister at 50 yo. I never thought any of the dreams I had would come true. Nothing I ever prayed for or even wished for ever happened. I was the kid in school who used to wish to win the lottery to win the library book on birds. Nope. Never won that. Never won a trophy in grade school. Everyone else did. I wanted to be a lead in the school play "The Mikado". Nope. I ended up being a king's soldier.

Life is strange. What I wanted so much, I have just resigned myself to getting whatever. Now, I am so very grateful for what it is I have & I have been given. I am so very blessed.

Andrew

[MsTinkerbelly]

I never had a wish list, but I knew that there were things I had to have.

I had to have a partner in life...one that worked and played as hard as I do.
I had to have someone that would love me unconditionally.
I had to have someone that would stand by me while I got my disease under control and could be the partner THEY needed.

Sometimes if you are very very lucky, you get what you need.

[Kitten.With.A.Twist]

Interesting question posed here... What I am attracted to has not changed much over the last 16 years... once I figured it out, I figured it out in a BIG way However what I 'need' in a relationship and what I 'want' in a mate has become more specific over my 48 years. I just had this conversation with my almost 17 year old daughter and I told her what I felt was 'important' in a relationship/partner/mate I realized that really DO have a much more specific list in my head than even I knew...

Curious as to what it is? I was, too.. so I wrote it down and looked at it for awhile. Here it is. Not sure how much I'm willing to compromise on the things listed, nor am I certain I could prioritize them. They are all very important to me, so in no particular order:

chivalrous, smart, brave, honest, kind, funny, nice to kids/waitresses/old folks, protective, helpful, enthusiastic, strong-willed, fair-minded, indulgent, lustful, thoughtful, patient, loving, financially-stable, affectionate, intellectually curious, vulnerable, confident, independent, creative, sexually assertive, communicative, trusting & trustworthy, and has joie de vivre

Geesh.. long list, eh?

Da Kitten who knows what she wants.. is it too much to ask?

[Dance-with-me]

Originally Posted by Kobi

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

Well, I have to say that at almost 54 I just found more bells, whistles and fireworks with my new gf who is 64 years old today than I ever had with anyone when I was younger, and this is in addition to the "pleasant, consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship" and so much more. I put out a LONG list to the universe of what I needed and wanted and absolutely would not compromise on, while feeling certain that I'd NEVER find what I wanted because I was way too particular and my standards were way too high, and yet found someone who met every single thing on my list just days later.

And in a delightful twist, a few weeks ago she went through a box of her mom's papers and phots with her sisters, and they found a long list she'd made in 1983 of what she wanted, and I met every characteristic.

So my thought is, whether it takes three days or thirty years to get what you know you want, as long as those things are truly qualities of who that person really IS instead of more superficial characteristics, then you need to hold tight to what you know is right for you.

[Kitten.With.A.Twist]

I also just realized that I need to be in partnership with a morning person... or at least someone who greets the morning (and me) with a happy face I can be a night owl, too - but my primary 'best time' energetically is the morning - esp. the early morning - and I'm coming to realize that it's more of a priority for me than I ever thought about!

[sara-bera]

In my late teens, I knew what I wanted my relationship to be like but I've always been less specific about the person. I knew more how I wanted to feel with someone, I think, as opposed to what sort of person I wanted them to be. As a result, I've dated all sorts of people; I've run the gamut of ages, genders, professions, and personality types and I still came to find that it really is all about how I feel with the person, and not really who or what they are.

I mean, they do have to be certain things in order to cause me to feel a particular way, I suppose. For instance, I am submissive in nature and therefore I like the way I feel when I am with someone who has a dominant personality. But, they don't exactly have to be Lord Domly-Dom McMasterson in order for me to be happy. Just because someone likes to put a girl in handcuffs and spank her bum doesn't mean he/she's going to enjoy being the decision-maker in the relationship... which is what I actually need... more than the spankings (though, they're fun too).

I did make the mistake of thinking that Lord Domly was what I needed to be looking for. Further, I think that's a common mistake. People say things like "I need someone with a sense of humor!" Well, most people have a sense of humor - but does it mesh with your own? You could date a comedian and still be miserable. What people actually want is a relationship that filled with happiness and laughter. We should be looking for someone who we can laugh easily with.

At first glance, my Beau is super serious. I would never, ever, EVER, in a million years, think he had a sense of humor. But we laugh together often - more than I ever have with anyone else. We have silly games and inside jokes we share... that no one else might ever find amusing.

But I digress - my point of coming in here was to say that I gave up on what I wanted, in my late twenties. I didn't think I could find it. It was too hard. I settled on trying to find someone I could live with. And it wasn't enough. I shouldn't have done it... because I did end up finding everything I'd always wanted. It just took a lot longer and he certainly didn't come in the package I was expecting.

I think I'd probably be one to urge people not to settle. I gave up and almost missed my chance to be with someone I can't live without and who calls me 'indispensable.'

[SuddenlyWestFemme]

Originally Posted by sara-bera

What people actually want is a relationship that filled with happiness and laughter. We should be looking for someone who we can laugh easily with.

This really hit home for me. A relationship filled with happiness and laughter sounds beautiful.

I have had lists. But the lists have usually been surface (older than me, handsome, etc., etc...) until a friend asked me to really look at my list and go deeper. She asked why I wanted someone older than me? It really came down to my fear of aging and only being liked because I was deemed 'pretty' by society. So I realized I needed to change "older" to "someone who makes me feel secure and loved even on those I feel ugly days." Age (to a point) is irrelevant. Shocking that I didn't know that!

I do think there is a power in pen and tongue which is why I journal and write down my dreams. I have gotten relationships that pretty much match my lists..., but just as someone else on this thread said, I forgot to put kind on the list. So as I've gotten older, I've gotten wiser. Kind is now number one on my list! And I really only have three non-negotiable: Kind, sexually compatible, family guy (or wants to be a family guy). I have kids so a family lifestyle is unavoidable and I can't be with someone who is frustrated by that life.

Sometimes I am literally shocked at how my life turned out. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell that young girl that kindness is the most important thing... That you can't have a relationship filled with happiness and laughter if someone isn't kind to you. Someone who can be mean to others WILL be mean to you. But then I wouldn't have gotten the beautiful lessons of life. Those lessons that have made me more empathetic to others. The lessons that have made me more 'beautiful'.

As I get older, would I rather be alone than with someone that doesn't have the qualities I need? Yes. As I've said, my new list only has three non negotiable things... if you are not kind, sexually compatible with me, and a family guy... I need to be alone. True, there are other things I look for, but the past two years of being a single mom with no family within 2800 miles, has shown me that I can do it on my own. I know that I don't need to be rescued so would rather wait (okay... there is still a little piece of me that totally wants the knight in shinning armor to sweep me off my feet and tell me it is all going to be okay... progress not perfection).

I hope there is a relationship in my future. Recently, after a bit of panic at the thought, I figured out that I am ready for that chapter. I like the thought of additional laughter and love in my life. But I don't need it. And that my friends, is true freedom!

[SweetJane]

This is an interesting thread.

Settling? NEVER. I repeat. NEVER SETTLE.

Excuse me for the shouting. I've found it's hard to be alone, to not even date (when there's nothing wrong with me--the community is limited). BUT it's far worse to settle for a warm body who meet some of the characteristics on my list. I have met butches who have some of them but not all. And the spark just wasn't there.

I do think, however, that sometimes we refine our lists, making them more specific, thus putting something more exact out to the Universe.

When I met the butch who's courting me, I just put my list aside and let the Universe find the person best suited to me. I didn't expect to find everything, but I did... so far. (We will meet next month and, as they say in archaeology, we'll "ground truth" each other.

Don't give up. Keep your standards. But make sure you aren't being too picky on the surface.

Loving wishes to you all in hope you find your perfect partners.

[StrongButch]

Im to old for a list I would forget half of it anyway. (lol) I think communication and forgiveness are only things on my list. The heart takes care of the rest.

[diamondrose]

Iv never had a list

All iv ever wished for in my heart is give and take, honesty, and support

[kissinfemme]

Originally Posted by Kobi

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

I want both ~ the bells, whistles & fireworks as well as the pleasant, consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship & I know it's possible to have both! Sex fuels the love, love fuels the sex & both are essential for the "glue" that keeps it all together.

Like everyone, I have a "hard" list of qualities that I must have in a partner & my list has definetly changed as I've grown older (& as each person has entered and left my life) & I am unwilling to settle for anything less.

One day.....