Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

[Jean_TX]

This thread keeps popping up, so I thought I’d volunteer a “wish list” too. Objectively, my criteria for a “significant other” relate to three levels of a relationship:

1) Companionship
She must score favorably when judged against a list of attributes that I find necessary in any companion. Ideal qualities include
- Kind, considerate, thoughtful,
- Humorous, playful, <= Placid women need not apply.
- Interesting (i.e., intelligent, knowledgeable; good conversationalist),
- Confident, somewhat adventurous, <= Chronically indecisive and timid women need not apply.
- Filled with positive energy and enthusiasm, <= Pessimists need not apply.
- Loyal.

2) Deep Caring Relationship
If someone qualifies as a desirable companion, she could become a candidate for my “significant other” if, and only if, she meets all the following criteria:
- Lesbian,
- Feminine,
- Available (i.e., single, uncommitted),
- Open and honest (i.e., does not deceive by means of overt lies, extreme exaggeration, deliberate withholding of pertinent facts, or “weasel wording”),
- Trustworthy, moral, and ethical,
- Financially stable and independent.

3) Romance
The final and ultimate criterion is that we must have “chemistry” with one another. For me, “chemistry” is primarily a function of physical appearance, although demeanor and attitude are also factors. (Some people might regard this requirement as “shallow”, but it is no more “shallow” than choosing a partner based on any other unearned endowment such as intelligence, good humor, creativity, etc.) This “chemistry” can occur at any point, but romance only occurs if the other two levels of the relationship have already been achieved.



DISCLAIMER: Despite having written all the above, I confess that I do not (and would not) go about the choice of a “significant other” in an objective way. I don’t keep a spreadsheet tally of a particular woman’s attributes, nor do I consciously or logically consider whether or not she is a good fit for me. The “right” woman for me is a complex combination of attributes – a bit of one attribute, a dash of that, a large amount of another attribute, etc. There is no one ideal combination of ingredients! Just as with any recipe, the ‘proof is in the pudding’. For that reason, I make my choice based on my long-term response to her … The sound of her voice, the sight of her, the time I spend with her – do all these things make me feel buoyant and joyful? Is our relationship predominantly uplifting? Is her presence in my life a positive influence? If the answers to these questions are all “yes”, then I succumb.

[alexri]

I think there are certain things in the wishlist that aren't wishes but are rather non-negotiable deal-breakers. To me this is more serious than settling/not-settling. These non-negotiable items for me include physical or emotional abuse, lying, cheating, stealing, smoking, or being with someone who abuses alcohol or other drugs. For me, I don't think these are requirements that should ever be adjusted regardless of life's changes.

I do believe there are some standards that you just can't settle for, because if you did, the relationship is destined to fail. An example of being realistic and keeping your standards would not be hoping for a long term relationship with someone who has expressed no interest in being a parent, while you already have, or have always wanted, a family.

After the non-negotiable items, I look at what I'm willing to, for lack of a better word, compromise on.

No one is perfect. There is no perfect partner. We all have flaws and baggage, and we all make mistakes. I don't believe someone exists that is 100% of everything you're looking for in a partner. I think being realistic is finding someone who makes you happy, who shares common interests but not so much that it's like you were separated at birth, who will respect you, be honest, be loyal, be kind, and be trustworthy. And I think often we can be surprised by someone showing us things we never thought of in a partner, but will be thankful for.

At the same time, I would never ask or expect someone to change for me. If someone want to change something in his/her life it has to be because he/she wants to. If you ask someone to give up a lifetime hobby you hate, instead of compromising that the person can engage in this hobby without you/with friends, you're going to lose. Sometimes it's about finding the balance.

[fever]

I was looking at this thread, and your comments mirror my thoughts exactly. I am older than you are, but, still have a few good miles left. Maybe I am reflecting because I have been single 5 yrs, waiting for Mr. Right, and the wait seems insurmountable.

Originally Posted by kissinfemme

I want both ~ the bells, whistles & fireworks as well as the pleasant, consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship & I know it's possible to have both! Sex fuels the love, love fuels the sex & both are essential for the "glue" that keeps it all together.

Like everyone, I have a "hard" list of qualities that I must have in a partner & my list has definetly changed as I've grown older (& as each person has entered and left my life) & I am unwilling to settle for anything less.

One day.....

[Ciaran]

I don't have a list. In fact, if I were to have a list, the first thing on it would probably be that she doesn't have a list. People who are super-organised and overly defined are a massive turn-off for me.

More generally, for me, I find that opposites often attract as far as I am concerned - that's opposites in terms of personality, rather than belief system. I tend to be more attracted to those who smile and laugh often, have a sweet demeanour and don't take themselves too seriously.

[Contessa]

I really don't find it hard at all to be alone now that I'm older and wiser. When I was younger, it seemed I always needed to be in a relationship. I just am not willing to settle either. I guess I settled one too many times as a youngster..lol
I don't have a written list. But I have a mental check list of what I want and what I don't want..

There was a time where I too blew off my check list in favor of chemistry and that was always a MISTAKE!! lol

In short, no more settling for me. If I die alone with my dogs..I'll die happy with my doggies; smiling. Another person in my life would enhance, not complete me..

[~ocean]

Originally Posted by Contessa

I really don't find it hard at all to be alone now that I'm older and wiser. When I was younger, it seemed I always needed to be in a relationship. I just am not willing to settle either. I guess I settled one too many times as a youngster..lol
I don't have a written list. But I have a mental check list of what I want and what I don't want..

There was a time where I too blew off my check list in favor of chemistry and that was always a MISTAKE!! lol

In short, no more settling for me. If I die alone with my dogs..I'll die happy with my doggies; smiling. Another person in my life would enhance, not complete me..

^ 5 Contessa I told my kids take whats in the bank and the saftey deposit box and run >> the hell w. this beast of a house , let the EX sell it and wire u the money ~ stay together ~ I will always be close by ~ and I soooooooo agree someone inmy life would add to my life not complete me . I feel I am completed to a degree ~ I know who I am and how I got here ~BUT I am alwyays learning new things about myself as I change w. added wisdom ~

[Bells]

LOL I was just telling a friend of mine. I was going to be a lonely old lady living with a bunch of dogs ....

I just want somone who accepts me the way i am flaws and all. who will not try to change me. and who can be themself/theirself and not try and change to what they think i want them to be.

who is not afraid of a little hard work, and willing to work with me.
when they say they are going to do something... DO IT !!!!

I could keep going but I think thats a good start.....

Originally Posted by Contessa

I really don't find it hard at all to be alone now that I'm older and wiser. When I was younger, it seemed I always needed to be in a relationship. I just am not willing to settle either. I guess I settled one too many times as a youngster..lol
I don't have a written list. But I have a mental check list of what I want and what I don't want..

There was a time where I too blew off my check list in favor of chemistry and that was always a MISTAKE!! lol

In short, no more settling for me. If I die alone with my dogs..I'll die happy with my doggies; smiling. Another person in my life would enhance, not complete me..

[TheMerryFairy]

Originally Posted by BrattyBells

LOL I was just telling a friend of mine. I was going to be a lonely old lady living with a bunch of dogs ....

I just want somone who accepts me the way i am flaws and all. who will not try to change me. and who can be themself/theirself and not try and change to what they think i want them to be.

who is not afraid of a little hard work, and willing to work with me.
when they say they are going to do something... DO IT !!!!

I could keep going but I think thats a good start.....

I am right there with you on that one! I don't have unreasonable expectations. Just let me be who I am and love me & I will give you the same. Manners and other desirable qualities are important too but you're right, it's a good start.

[Sweet Bliss]

I figure when I become the person I am in love with, I will be half way there.

[kittygrrl]

Incredibly smart
Insatiable (for me)
Ethical

[Vivacious1]

I think this is an interesting thread. For myself, I don't thing the changes in preferences for my partner's is settling or adjusting to reality, I think it is me maturing. I can honestly say that I have been with partners that I felt were my "ideal" in one way or the other. Whether it be looks, financial stability, security etc... What has naturally evolved for me goes back to a statement that someone shared with me a long time ago. "I want someone to witness my life" This made me think before, however, until I began to be more mature and think about what life really meant to me, I seemed to be stuck in a pattern of "following an American Dream" that turned out to be fairly generic. I believe that we have each of our partner's for a reason, if we are wise we will learn something from each of them and keep our regrets to a minimum. I certainly have made my mistakes, but without those I would not have learned to be the woman that I am and I certainly would not have the ability to make the right decisions for my future.
I don't have a list any longer, it is either right or wrong, there is no in between.

[MissItalianDiva]

This is definitely an interesting thread and one I will be thinking more about this weekend but as of right now my view on this is yes and no. I suppose under certain circumstances this could be due to settling or adjusting to reality but for me personally I don't think any of my adjustments have to do with settling but do in fact somewhat have to do with a reality check.

For me I used to have a huge laundry list and as I have grown older I have realized most of it just doesn't matter so I have gotten rid of them. I suppose in it's own way that qualifies as adjusting to reality. Over time I have grown and evolved and now believe love is unpredictable and random and frankly I don't give two hoots if they don't fold their underwear a certain way or if they were not everything on my original ridiculous list I had formed in my life.

Going with the flow of life not only feels better but seems to work better in the long run as well. Just my two cents!

[Cailin]

At the end of the day, All I want is someone who understands and accepts me- and still WANTS to be with me.... but the biggest list factor will always and forever be "trust worthy" and communication. If I dont have those, then there is nothing to have.



However, wanting brown hair, and green or brown eyes doesn't hurt

[kittygrrl]

Kindness towards animals, people, the planet for a lifetime..There are endless themes on what love is or should be but Kindness is harder and more perfecting

[*Anya*]

My response has changed over time.

Ability to communicate is number one with me:

The good

The not-so-good

Feelings

Thoughts

Hopes

Dreams

The future

The past

The present

Hear, really hear, what is being said;

Without taking it personally

Without defensiveness

With openness

Caring

Love

Hope

Joy.

Yes.

[Dude]

* kindness
everything else that's important
is all some form of kindness

[little_ms_sunshyne]

For me, it is about meeting someone that compliments me and I them. That doesn't always mean they meet criteria on a list.

I do suppose that there are some non-negotiables like don't be a felon or a cheater! I think that should be a standard though lol

[meridiantoo]

I keep reading this thread as it is bumped up and not sure how to say this, but here goes...

I think age and maturity teaches you that people are not perfect, we all have baggage, issues, areas that would benefit from improvement, and even character flaws, I would be so bold as to say. We each take our paths in life and most roads have bumps that leave their mental/emotional scuff marks on our souls and personalities. That is, at least in my mind, what makes us unique and have depth. I have learned from everyone who has been in my life, in one way or another. However, some lessons, I didn't necessarily want to learn.

With this in mind, I don't want to say I have never had a list, but I've tried to keep my list flexible, realistic, practical, and fair. I am a handful myself some days.

I think my list of deal-breakers is longer, more relevant and prioritized higher than my list of wishes for a perfect partner:

1) Malice/general meanness/vindictiveness/need to consistently put others down.

2) Rudeness that occurs consistently/lack of manners.

3) Recreational drug user.

4) A butch who does not open the door for me (See page 3, paragraph 4 of the Femmes 101 handbook)

5) A butch who does not understand my need for new toys

6) Someone who needs to keep up with the Jones'. I'm too old, too wise, too financially constrained, and enjoy variety too much to do this anymore. I learned in my 20s the Jones' are very shallow and boring.

7) A butch who would ever be demeaning to a service person (i.e. waiter/waitress, hotel cleaning staff, delivery driver) unless it was absolutely necessary; not sure why this bugs me, it just does.

I've enjoyed this thread and seeing what people think.

[little_ms_sunshyne]

Now this is a list I agree with Well said Meridian

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

I keep reading this thread as it is bumped up and not sure how to say this, but here goes...

I think age and maturity teaches you that people are not perfect, we all have baggage, issues, areas that would benefit from improvement, and even character flaws, I would be so bold as to say. We each take our paths in life and most roads have bumps that leave their mental/emotional scuff marks on our souls and personalities. That is, at least in my mind, what makes us unique and have depth. I have learned from everyone who has been in my life, in one way or another. However, some lessons, I didn't necessarily want to learn.

With this in mind, I don't want to say I have never had a list, but I've tried to keep my list flexible, realistic, practical, and fair. I am a handful myself some days.

I think my list of deal-breakers is longer, more relevant and prioritized higher than my list of wishes for a perfect partner:

1) Malice/general meanness/vindictiveness/need to consistently put others down.

2) Rudeness that occurs consistently/lack of manners.

3) Recreational drug user.

4) A butch who does not open the door for me (See page 3, paragraph 4 of the Femmes 101 handbook)

5) A butch who does not understand my need for new toys

6) Someone who needs to keep up with the Jones'. I'm too old, too wise, too financially constrained, and enjoy variety too much to do this anymore. I learned in my 20s the Jones' are very shallow and boring.

7) A butch who would ever be demeaning to a service person (i.e. waiter/waitress, hotel cleaning staff, delivery driver) unless it was absolutely necessary; not sure why this bugs me, it just does.

I've enjoyed this thread and seeing what people think.

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by Vivacious1

I think this is an interesting thread. For myself, I don't thing the changes in preferences for my partner's is settling or adjusting to reality, I think it is me maturing. I can honestly say that I have been with partners that I felt were my "ideal" in one way or the other. Whether it be looks, financial stability, security etc... I believe that we have each of our partner's for a reason, if we are wise we will learn something from each of them and keep our regrets to a minimum. I certainly have made my mistakes, but without those I would not have learned to be the woman that I am and I certainly would not have the ability to make the right decisions for my future.
I don't have a list any longer, it is either right or wrong, there is no in between.

I think I am in the same place in life. I once wanted someone to be absolutely perfect or absolutely perfect for me, which meant the same thing. Does this 'soul mate' exist? For me, it has been yes and no. No one is going to meet my every want/need/desire/dream. And honestly, I'm not sure I want them to. I honor and value my own evolution as a person. I also believe strongly in valuing my partner's evolution. So, what are qualities that seem at first to be negatives or undesired traits, I would not necessarily peg as deal-breakers anymore. My deal-breakers are my only list now. I am a very different woman than I was 20 years ago. I hope to be different 20 year from now. Who would have knocked my socks off at 20 is not who knocks my socks off now. So, I have learned to be more fluid in my expectations. Does this mean I settle? Maybe. But, I think only if I feel I am settling.