New sex partner=new toys? Your opinion

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by Bard

I know when I broke up with my ex( Gooses mother) she um went into the spare bedroom where I was staying and found my harness and a new cock that I had purchased before we even broke up she cut them both up and left it on my bed.

I'm sure there are valid reasons for doing this, but not many. Yowsie.

[Soon]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

I just think the answer to the crimes against humanity/life in general does not lie in male persecution or male subjugation. Two wrongs do not make a right. I am not a feminist as such. I don't think women should rule.

Feminism is not about subjugating and/or persecuting men (or even creating a system where "women...rule"--although more women in positions of power would help)--it is about working towards social, economic, sexual, political (etc.) equality in a world that is far from it.

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by Toughy

First: [B][I]

Ok what I am trying to figure out is this idea that you go buy new equipment together BEFORE you have sex. Talk about ruining the spontaneity of the moment. So we have been on a couple of dates and the attraction is obvious and I take you home and it gets hot and heavy........STOP.....cannot have sex.......don't have new equipment, would be disrespectful. Do folks sit down and talk about sex and equipment and all that stuff before they fuck? That would make me nuts. Sex is spontaneous in my world. I don't need to talk about boundaries and all that before the first time. I pay attention to my partner and her reactions to every single thing I do. I can tell if she likes it or does not like it. If she sees my cock and thinks it's wrong for her then hers comes out.....that is not much more than two or three sentences. I promise she can tell the same thing about me....whether I like what she is doing or do not like it. If this is going to continue then of course there will be longer conversations.

Much of the conversation happens during the normal discourse of dating, not a formal 'lay it all on the table' event. If, during the normal course of courtship (love that word/term/concept), I still have doubts/questions/concerns, I do initiate directed conversations. Does it kill the mood? It sometimes postpones the mood. If the mood is that 'fleeting' and 'wanton' then it's not what I want to invest in anyway.

It just takes paying attention for the most part. But, not everyone has the same set of lenses through which they interpret others. So, I think this means we all we can pay attention and still miss important details and need to verbally ask.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I don't understand how being a feminist = hating men..


Originally Posted by Bard
I know when I broke up with my ex( Gooses mother) she um went into the spare bedroom where I was staying and found my harness and a new cock that I had purchased before we even broke up she cut them both up and left it on my bed.
------------------------------------------
Originally Posted by meridian

I'm sure there are valid reasons for doing this, but not many. Yowsie.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

meridian, there is no validity for taking someone's personal property and ruining it NONE.. That kind of shit is gross and there are some deep issues going on there.

I am pretty sure we can safely say that by her cutting up the equipment did NOT stop Bard from seeking another relationship/s...

Destroying property isn't cool, justifiable or ok no matter what, if you're (general) cray cray is showing that bad and you (general) are starting to get that creeping thought of destroying stuff that belongs to a lover, ex, or ANYONE perhaps a trip to the therapist is due...

WOW!! I can't believe I read what I read just now!!!

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by Soon

Feminism is not about subjugating and/or persecuting men (or even creating a system where "women...rule"--although more women in positions of power would help)--it is about working towards social, economic, sexual, political (etc.) equality in a world that is far from it.

I don't think true feminism is either. Neither is true masculinism/patriarchy. It's the perverted and skewed reality of how that plays out in history that makes it wrong, in my perspective. I am all for supporting/advancing women's rights. I did not make that statement to infer all feminism is male-bashing. I meant to imply that if it becomes that extreme, then I'm not on board with it.

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I don't understand how being a feminist = hating men..


Originally Posted by Bard
I know when I broke up with my ex( Gooses mother) she um went into the spare bedroom where I was staying and found my harness and a new cock that I had purchased before we even broke up she cut them both up and left it on my bed.
------------------------------------------
Originally Posted by meridian

I'm sure there are valid reasons for doing this, but not many. Yowsie.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

meridian, there is no validity for taking someone's personal property and ruining it NONE.. That kind of shit is gross and there are some deep issues going on there.

I am pretty sure we can safely say that by her cutting up the equipment did NOT stop Bard from seeking another relationship/s...

Destroying property isn't cool, justifiable or ok no matter what, if you're (general) cray cray is showing that bad and you (general) are starting to get that creeping thought of destroying stuff that belongs to a lover, ex, or ANYONE perhaps a trip to the therapist is due...

WOW!! I can't believe I read what I read just now!!!

You rape a woman, you earn that. That's my point of view. There are reasons I can see women do it. I personally would not. But, I also would not judge someone who was raped and did that in angst.

Just my 2 cents....

I don't go around chopping cock up for personal pleasure.

[~ocean]

buy a bushel and a peck and let her snuggle into your neck ~~

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

You rape a woman, you earn that. That's my point of view. There are reasons I can see women do it. I personally would not. But, I also would not judge someone who was raped and did that in angst.

Just my 2 cents....

I don't go around chopping cock up for personal pleasure.

.

I'm confused when did rape come into the convo?

[pinkgeek]

What is true feminism or are you referring to how you see feminism? Someone with a better grounding in women's studies than I do, I'd love an answer re: the concept of "true feminism". Feel free to PM so we don't go off topic much further.

Contemporary feminism as I understand it has to do with women having the freedom and choice to do ANYTHING a man does and nothing to do with make bashing.

Meri- the rest of my comments I'll send in a message to you so we don't inadvertently run too far off the original topic.

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

I don't think true feminism is either. Neither is true masculinism/patriarchy. It's the perverted and skewed reality of how that plays out in history that makes it wrong, in my perspective. I am all for supporting/advancing women's rights. I did not make that statement to infer all feminism is male-bashing. I meant to imply that if it becomes that extreme, then I'm not on board with it.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by Toughy

Did you know that every pronoun you used for a butch is clearly without a doubt a male pronoun?......HE......I hope you do not believe butch=he.

I'm curious what the turn off is about gloves? I used them for anal sex long before HIV came into existence..... It was easy just to add vaginal penetration with gloves. What I highlighted in red is confusing to me. Can you explain it?

Contrary to the opinions had by some who think they know me i ' havent had numerous encounters. I had one lover that lied to me about her casual encounters with men and as a result had to endure 2 hiv tests scared and completely convinced i had contracted hiv. From that point on I made it a priority that before & until I got to know someone well I wasn't going to put myself in that position again, hence by the time we are involved we've both been tested and i feel safer. Gloves, it's just a personal thing, it's a turn-off..i've no problem with saran wrap.
Regarding he/hi/hym/her/hir. I have a tendency to use whatever term appeals to the person i am with..it's automatic..her is also totally fine but i haven't been with anyone in many years who hasn't expressed issues with her. No disrespect intended I am comfortable with both him/her etc. Just a habit of late, real time it's usually easy to pick up but this is a forum so tend to project from my current experience.

[Bard]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

You rape a woman, you earn that. That's my point of view. There are reasons I can see women do it. I personally would not. But, I also would not judge someone who was raped and did that in angst.

Just my 2 cents....

I don't go around chopping cock up for personal pleasure.

uh she did it for spite so that i would not be able to fuck another woman her words not mine i am gonna bow out of this topic now

[AmazonWoman1]

Originally Posted by pinkgeek

I think this is a really interesting and valid point Martina.

I was recently at a meeting with some of the heads of the DOH here and other people in key positions and I was really really surprised by how not liberal about sex they were. The shock was because considering what we do for a living, we've heard it all and then some........One colleague expressed shock at someone hosting a sex party and another epidemiologist couldn't get over the concept of someone being bisexual AND poly. "Why can't they just be normal" was actually said at one point. I was surprised that sex work wasn't talked about openly and when it was there was a whole cloud of shame and stigma around it. Your politics may not be the same as mine, but shame and sex are absolutely about patriarchy, religious fundamentalism, myths and stigma.

I fully realize I'm in the minority and some of my liberalness about sex is because I grew up in a highly conservative environment and part of how I acted out against it was by being sexually and politically liberal as hell. I get that I see sex and many other things humans do through a lens that I purposefully smashed as much shame and judgement out of as I can.

So here lies the problem as I see it in our community of queers who dig the butch/femme label, identity, etc. Sex in most all communities has an element of shame involved in it, some more so than others but it's not as much of an individual opinion as it is a insidious social one. In my opinion when the queer community places "respect" on a toy or cock being new we add to the problem not take away from it and here's why in my opinion.

If I go back and read this whole thread I see a dividing line come pretty clear. Those who think sex is sex and doing it safely is what's paramount and those who think respect, class, love, etc is tied to the newness of object used to reach orgasm and the infrequency of one night stands being important to them.

The unsaid remark I feel is that those of us who are more liberal are slutty. Slutty because we don't place relative importance on buying a new cock or toy for a new partner. Slutty that we are less loving, respectful, classy and slutty because one night stands or sex for the sake of sex doesn't cause us moral or emotional dilemma. That we love less deeply because we have had more than a select few lovers/partners.

So in closing this note that is sure to be irritating to some what I will say is....examine the value judgements you make around sex. (I'm including myself, I need to examine my own since I got a little judgy-mcjudgerton by people expressing more conservative and emotion based opinions than I have.)

Same sex marriage is illegal based on arguments about how we have s.e.x and who we have sex with and to add additional shame around sex to me adds legitimacy to the argument that what we do in our beds is somehow not normal when it is.

Sex is normal and fun and messy and sometimes safe and sometimes unsafe, but either way you slice it sex, queer sex, het sex, kinky sex it's all sex and sex is a normal human thingy! (Yay for not science words that get the point across!)

I'm fairly certain the shaming attitude is less what people are thinking or writing openly and on purpose and more something that has evolved and come to light as a result of this thread which is both beautiful and important.

Personally I shall endeavor to spend more time having sex this week than I do talking about it which means I had better stop writing!

I am amazed at what is actually occurring here for all of us.Many of us are telling others who we truly are & in doing so pushing buttons that were previously hidden from them.When other readers Like Daktari & Pink Geek & Martina come along & language the hidden subtextual messages that are pushing the buttons everyone of us benefits form that exchange.These discomforts are truly enlightening to all of us.We become more fully aware beings.This text seen previously as a slight becomes a true learning experience.Thank you for all of it .Namaste

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by Bard

uh she did it for spite so that i would not be able to fuck another woman her words not mine i am gonna bow out of this topic now

Right..not saying you raped her. Saying that would be one of the few viable reasons I can see someone doing that, that's all.

My head hurts!

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by Bard

uh she did it for spite so that i would not be able to fuck another woman her words not mine i am gonna bow out of this topic now

Thank you for being so patient with a very inflammatory post, Bard.

Meridian, I'm shocked that you would jump all the way to rape in the middle of this conversation. That was really inappropriate.

Rape is a reason to prosecute someone for a violent crime, not carte blanche to respond in kind.

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

Thank you for being so patient with a very inflammatory post, Bard.

Meridian, I'm shocked that you would jump all the way to rape in the middle of this conversation. That was really inappropriate.

I'm not sure what you mean by inflammatory. I was thinking of 2 separate posts when I made that response to Bard. I in no way meant to insinuate that Bard had raped anyone, nor that it was even a thought Bard had misconducted in any way. I was trying to address 2 things at once - 1 being that there is very rare occasion to ever think of doing something like that (butchering someone's stuff, specifically their equipment/toys/cock/not sure what word you prefer here), which would be rape, and 2 being that I thought it was inappropriate of her ex to do that, considering it wasn't a situation of rape. I did not explain myself well, so I can understand the jump seemed extreme and unwarranted. However, my intentions were benign and meant to both allude to Bard's ex as way off course in her actions as well as express understanding that there are instances, though rare, where it would be understandable for someone to react in such a way. I could just as easily have chosen murder as an understandable reason for someone destroying property. As I said, instances for that are rarely excusable. It's like that song by a country female vocalist who slashes her boyfriend's car because he cheats on her. I don't think that's appropriate. But, many would say an eye for an eye. To each their own.

Bard, I apologize if my response brought you into that negative light. It was not my desire to do so.

[Toughy]

There were matriarchal societies.....read books written by women and not men to find out about them. I have an entire bookshelf full of books about that subject dating back to the 70's.

I do not have any rules about when I have sex with someone. It happens when it happens. I probably would not ever date anyone who said 'no sex for 3 months'. I don't have time to wait 3 months for you to make up your mind whether you like me or want to have sex with me. I know the minute I lay eyes on you if I want to have sex with you and generally it takes about 3 hours or less of conversation to figure out if I like you. Life is short and getting shorter all the time (for me). When the mood strikes sex should happen.

I actually do not care at all about testing for STDs because I practice safer sex. I have had sex with folks with HIV and Hep C.....safer sex. I do not have either of them. If I ever decide to be fluid bonded with someone, then we will have that conversation, knowing it will take at least 6 more months of safer sex and testing before that bonding occurs.

There is a body fluid I will exchange and happily with anyone I am having sex with........that would be spit.......I love kissing and you cannot do it properly without some spit swapping......laughin..........

[kittygrrl]

Yes..I love kissing also and while I've always thought it was fairly safe, I've read lately the HPV virus may be possible with even this activity. Also while we are talking safety I hope all who have access do take the HPV vaccine that is available. It won't protect you from all the mutations of the HPV but it does give some protection. Talk about scarey HPV has some very sobering stats..please excuse the digression..

[meridiantoo]

I'm bowing out of this thread....

Thank you to everyone for your input and insight.

[Hollylane]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I am going to bounce of your post Holly because I feel it's important and it isn't being talked about.


*I* personally if I was in a long distance relationship would not consent to my girl/boy keeping "my" cock.

For *ME* (notice I am talking about me, not anyone else but me) I would not be comfortable with my fuck buddy. partner.submissive.plaything.hook up. if they asked me to leave my cock or toys there. I would wonder why? I would be like um no, I would look at them and wonder why they had the need to keep something that is mine there. (this is different than toothbrushes, t-shirts or any other item that some folks need to be connected).


The reason I bring this up is because I'd like to keep this conversation *real* if I wanted to fuck, there is nothing that is going to stop me. Me leaving my cock at X's house isn't going to stop me from fucking if the urge rises up. Just because I left my cock at O's house is not going to deter me from sexy time. I can:

A. purchase another one

B. use my hands, mouth, or a banana if I want

C. I can use who I am with cock or toys

D. I may have other cocks at home to use


I don't know if for some people the "buy new stuf for me" is a security issue, a value issue, a trust issue, or they just really want a new cock stuff.


It's really a shame we can not have a conversation about the preferences of cock without having to shame those who do partake in one night stands, weekend fucky fucky time, went to Little Rock and got me some time, or any other kind of consentual adult relationship. We're adults as Toughy pointed out if you are going to replace all the toys I hope that these talks are being had BEFORE the actual fucky fucky, if not then I hope you plan a trip to the cock store so everyone is happy. I also hope that while people are getting to know one another the first thing one should be asking is are they tested because nothing ruins a good time like disease or two.


The myth that people who happen to like to fuck without having to be in a monogamous relationship are classless, disrespectful, dirty, dangerous needs to stop. I assure you I am disease free, OCD clean, am never without gloves, condom, damn, saran wrap, I am so sure of this I can put a money bet that my doctors bag is a safe sex haven compared to most people's idea or drawer of safe sex.

Just to be clear (not because I think that you are saying something different about my post, but so that there are no misunderstandings or assumptions about Gaige and I)...The post I made earlier, was purely in joyful fun...Gaige and I enjoy the playfulness in our relationship, both bold playfulness, and vague sexual innuendos.

There are no worries about who is in possession of one of Gaige's cocks. There is a level of trust between us that is amazing, and that we both love and value very much. One of the cocks was left here purely for convenience. We are just fine with Gaige's cocks being at both ends of the country, or all in the same place, just as long as one, or all of them, are where we are, when it is time to engage in some "sexy time" in the same zip code.

Incidentally, she also left behind for her convenience; pj's, a sweater, toiletries, and instant coffee (I may have asked her to leave the coffee behind, because I was worried she might enjoy her "coffee time" with someone else...J/k...lol).

Frankly, until we decide the time is right to make a responsible move into our own home, my home is her home, and her home is mine. So, leaving things behind, is sometimes just easier than paying extra baggage fees each time, or worrying about who's been stirring the contents of your luggage around in the airport.

In relationships, Gaige and I both want/are monogamous type people. However, we do not think that what other people want or do, is wrong, dirty, shameful, disrespectful, etc...Live and let live.