PTSD and Trauma recovery

Apocalipstic · 04-06-2010, 02:01 PM

Tony, it sounds like your neighborhood is scary. I would be terrified. I bet you tense up every time you enter your street now?

I totally get what you are saying about remaining calm though. In a crisis, I am calm and organized, then after if when I freak out and can't sleep and so forth. I have done the Nyquil thing before.

I won't go into my whole situation, I don't want to trigger anyone, but I was abused as a child while living in a country which was at war with itself including a coup and martial law and my mother died under bad circumstances and we moved to the US the same week and the abuse escalated...there have been periods of abuse or trauma since then that tend to escalate my symptoms. Feb of last year my father (abuser) died and dealing with all his stuff, selling his house all that has stressed me to the max.

One of the things I have always feared is the phone ringing....well, our receptionist has been layed off at work because of the economy and I am now responsible for answering then phone, and after idiotic call after even more idiotic all, I have started hitting myself in the head with the phone...In know it is insane. My therapist knows and wished I would get laid off work. I can't quit because I have been here 12 years and my G/F lost her job recently and is home going to school full time and my insurance and so forth.

Sorry I am rambling, I kind of feel nauseated.

TenderKnight · 04-06-2010, 02:13 PM

(((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))

Wow, that does sound stressful

There is nothing I can say or do to make it "better", but just know that you are in my thoughts.

No, not really stressful to go out on the street (although, I have been making every excuse NOT to lately, except to go to work.. hmm ), and honestly, the neighborhood is pretty calm.. lol. It just seems like I am running into these events. Bah..

Again, sending you some positive energy.

Dragonfly, thank you for your welcome and ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) right back atcha

Sending Light your way too, hon.

-Tony

Apocalipstic · 04-06-2010, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TenderKnight

(((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))

Wow, that does sound stressful

There is nothing I can say or do to make it "better", but just know that you are in my thoughts.

No, not really stressful to go out on the street (although, I have been making every excuse NOT to lately, except to go to work.. hmm ), and honestly, the neighborhood is pretty calm.. lol. It just seems like I am running into these events. Bah..

Again, sending you some positive energy.

Dragonfly, thank you for your welcome and ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) right back atcha

Sending Light your way too, hon.

-Tony

Thank you so much!

I hope we all calm down soon and get back to Peace and Harmony!

TenderKnight · 04-06-2010, 03:10 PM

Update to what happened last week. I have to appear as a witness next tuesday.. Gah.. STRESSED now.. lol

Apocalipstic · 04-06-2010, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TenderKnight

Update to what happened last week. I have to appear as a witness next tuesday.. Gah.. STRESSED now.. lol

Ohh yuck. Soooo. Sorry!

We will be thinking about you.

Andrew, Jr. · 04-06-2010, 03:34 PM

Tony,

I am so very sorry about having to go to court. Crap. PTSD is a rollercoaster.

I was wondering if you can go talk to someone before going to court. I think it would do you a world of good. Plus it would be of help afterwards. Do you know of any places where you can inquire about this?

Jen,

I am hoping you find your inner peace and strength right now. I think we all need it sooner than later.

Everyone here is in my thoughts and prayers.

Andrew

Canela · 04-07-2010, 11:11 AM

Hi Everyone;

I finally have some time to post again...I have been so busy and truly I have been blessed...so why do the depression symptoms try to rear their ugly head in my life these days?

I've been going thru some bad flashbacks lately, because my ex is trying to convince me that I should be with her/go back to her, all the while I am in love and happy with my hunny...it makes me feel weird and dirty but some tiny lil piece of me is happy that she wants me still. Why do I think that its happy? I think it's just an old and familiar. This relationship was extrememly dysfunctional, it was a TPE relationship without us even being a BDSM couple. I never knew I had given up total power to her. It was the worst 16 years of my life, being treated like a slave with no rights, no say...I don't tell this much because I don't like to revisit it. (It has taken the better part of 6 years to "deprogram" me from this control of hers.) I know its wrong, I know its not an option, going back to her is like taking 1000 steps backwards...and so, I am caught in this sort of auto pilot mode...I keep going thru my days, not always emotionally present and trying not to let this touch me...but it makes for a very difficult moment, then my days are delayed or not as filled because the depression, until I can overcome it and move, takes precedent. I am doing everything I can to push it off me, praying and trusting in God, calling on the holy spirit to inspire and motivate me, energize me and get me out of that place in my head and heart I am at in those moments.

I don't know if this makes sense, I just needed to vent, I needed to share and I needed my friends. I hope you are all overcoming, because we all deserve better. My head and heart and life knows this. But some days, nostalgia gets me and I allow it...damn those bridges of madison county! I need to remember that it's only once a year I'm allowed to do that.

My aunt is doing better, she is in a rehab facility now, my family is wonderful, and my home is all organized and clean and very comfortable. Work is taking a beating with everything I am going thru--have been doing in my personal life--but I am hoping I can get back into my stride and be productive, once again.

Love and blessings to all.

Shug

Jet · 04-09-2010, 05:06 PM

Hi everyone,

Just checking in before the weekend.
My journey into exploring and facing severe trauma began
18 months ago with the situation gaining intensity
and remaining that way for the last 3 months.

I'm proud to say I'm alive; I made it through
what had to have been the most frightening,
most difficult part of remembering my ordeal.

There were continuous body flashbacks; many
times I had to hold on to something and remind
myself that what was happening wasn't real,
but a memory.

The intensity has eased up quite a bit and I'm
able to sleep. But there are residual affects such
feeling isolated and wanting to be that way;
remorse, disbelief that I went through this,
and terrible feelings of victimization for
having been blindsided.

I have a terrible time coping with the
fact that anything at all could have happened
so unforeseen and left field.

I could have been killed, and to think that I
had a brush with death is a lot to deal with.
At the same time, I think these are painful,
but normal responses.

The past few weeks have been heart stopping
to say the least and it took incessant prayer
and what faith I have to face unconscionable
fears and memories.

Mine was a case of severe shock and fear,
to the point that my heart chakra is so damaged
it feels as though a sword has gone right through
my sternum and out the back leaving and "empty
space" in that area.

But as I remembered and moved through
the shock, I felt a sort of "fusing" as though
my insides are fusing back together and that
"space" is beginning to close—normal feelings
in my chest are returning and the recovery
process has begun.

I can't speculate how long this will take.
Until then, I hope you're all doing well.

Jet

friskyfemme · 04-09-2010, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jet

Hi everyone,

Just checking in before the weekend.
My journey into exploring and facing severe trauma began
18 months ago with the situation gaining intensity
and remaining that way for the last 3 months.

I'm proud to say I'm alive; I made it through
what had to have been the most frightening,
most difficult part of remembering my ordeal.

There were continuous body flashbacks; many
times I had to hold on to something and remind
myself that what was happening wasn't real,
but a memory.

The intensity has eased up quite a bit and I'm
able to sleep. But there are residual affects such
feeling isolated and wanting to be that way;
remorse, disbelief that I went through this,
and terrible feelings of victimization for
having been blindsided.

I have a terrible time coping with the
fact that anything at all could have happened
so unforeseen and left field.

I could have been killed, and to think that I
had a brush with death is a lot to deal with.
At the same time, I think these are painful,
but normal responses.

The past few weeks have been heart stopping
to say the least and it took incessant prayer
and what faith I have to face unconscionable
fears and memories.

Mine was a case of severe shock and fear,
to the point that my heart chakra is so damaged
it feels as though a sword has gone right through
my sternum and out the back leaving and "empty
space" in that area.

But as I remembered and moved through
the shock, I felt a sort of "fusing" as though
my insides are fusing back together and that
"space" is beginning to close—normal feelings
in my chest are returning and the recovery
process has begun.

I can't speculate how long this will take.
Until then, I hope you're all doing well.

Jet

My dear,

I know alot of your struggle. I pray with you and for you in your healing.

God Bless You.

Rockinonahigh · 04-09-2010, 09:09 PM

Jet u have many friends hear,me for one,I wish u well in your journey..remember u r never alone.

DELSDAUGHTER · 04-11-2010, 07:17 AM

Just stopping by with a big hello and (((HUG)))
for everyone...

My daughter has moved home from colorado..and i am happy to announce she told me yesterday that her anxiety has lessened and hasnt had any chest or throat syptoms since she has been home....

thank goodness......boy a difference a feww months makes sometimes....

wishing you all well......have a good sunday.....

Princess4u · 04-11-2010, 05:40 PM

Yesterday I spent some time with my older sister. She mentioned running into someone from our old neighbourhood like 32 years ago old. We are TN now and we grew up in MD, so she ran into this person here in TN at a clinic she goes to for her medical care. So she mentions this name to me and it so happens that this person is the aunt of one of the boys who molested me. My heart stopped beating at the sound of this name...but I thought to myself that was a different time and place. Then she tells me where she ran into this person...now keep in mind my sister has no knowledge of my past nor do I want her to. So it took all I had just to keep my cool and not flip out. But I am glad to report.....no anxiety today or lastnight and no bad dreams...in the past when this abuse episode was triggered by something I not only had to deal with the psychological aspect of remembering...but the physical, does that make sense to anyone. Like my body remembered what was done to it and I feel it all over again. Crazy huh? But I was glad that i didnt have to endure any of that again..at least this time...maybe its all gone...wouldnt that be nice! Hugs and love and blessings to you all. May you have a beautiful week and find great joy and peace in your lives.

Andrew, Jr. · 04-11-2010, 06:20 PM

Disclosing past abuse, no matter the kind (physical, sexual, mental, and so on) is very personal and private. I find it rather insulting and offensive when people want others to post their personal and intimate details online. To me it is like going to work, and having co-workers wanting to have something to talk about. You just don't do it. It is the same as talking about your sex life with everyone. You just don't do it.

Princess, you hold your head high. You a just a lovebug. Don't let anyone force you to do or say anything you don't want too! Remember we love you something terribly here, and I will stand up for anyone who tries to be ugly.

TenderKnight · 04-12-2010, 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Princess4u

But I am glad to report.....no anxiety today or lastnight and no bad dreams...in the past when this abuse episode was triggered by something I not only had to deal with the psychological aspect of remembering...but the physical, does that make sense to anyone. Like my body remembered what was done to it and I feel it all over again. Crazy huh? But I was glad that i didnt have to endure any of that again..at least this time...maybe its all gone...wouldnt that be nice! Hugs and love and blessings to you all. May you have a beautiful week and find great joy and peace in your lives.

Princess, I know exactly what you are talking about.. I was once told it is called "body memory".. Like your body remembers the event and it's played out again. I have it too. Thank you for your post and I'm sorry that you hit a trigger, but I am glad to hear that it went over pretty well so far. Happy Monday to you

-Tony

Kimbo · 04-12-2010, 09:53 PM

Princess4u, I also have body memories. It is horrible to have to relive the things we do. Mine have faded much through the years and the therapy but they still happen on occasion, especially, if I feel unsafe around someone. I also can have some serious reactions to smell and a few other things. Our senses are truly amazing and powerful.

It's a good thing when you are triggered like that and you didn't have a major reactions. Things do get better, no?

04-06-2010, 02:01 PM	#1
Apocalipstic Pink Confection How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, Her, Ma'am Relationship Status: Dating Myself Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Nashville Posts: 4,266 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 17,195 Thanked 11,362 Times in 2,838 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	Tony, it sounds like your neighborhood is scary. I would be terrified. I bet you tense up every time you enter your street now? I totally get what you are saying about remaining calm though. In a crisis, I am calm and organized, then after if when I freak out and can't sleep and so forth. I have done the Nyquil thing before. I won't go into my whole situation, I don't want to trigger anyone, but I was abused as a child while living in a country which was at war with itself including a coup and martial law and my mother died under bad circumstances and we moved to the US the same week and the abuse escalated...there have been periods of abuse or trauma since then that tend to escalate my symptoms. Feb of last year my father (abuser) died and dealing with all his stuff, selling his house all that has stressed me to the max. One of the things I have always feared is the phone ringing....well, our receptionist has been layed off at work because of the economy and I am now responsible for answering then phone, and after idiotic call after even more idiotic all, I have started hitting myself in the head with the phone...In know it is insane. My therapist knows and wished I would get laid off work. I can't quit because I have been here 12 years and my G/F lost her job recently and is home going to school full time and my insurance and so forth. Sorry I am rambling, I kind of feel nauseated. __________________

04-09-2010, 09:09 PM	#10
Rockinonahigh Senior Member How Do You Identify?: stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: makes no diffrence,I know who I am. Relationship Status: single,maybe looking if the right person comes along. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: shreveport,Louisiana Posts: 4,907 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,682 Thanked 14,933 Times in 3,938 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Jet Jet u have many friends hear,me for one,I wish u well in your journey..remember u r never alone.

04-11-2010, 05:40 PM	#12
Princess4u Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she, love of my life....princess!!! Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Tn for now..waiting for my prince to come and take me away Posts: 221 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 360 Thanked 290 Times in 124 Posts Rep Power: 136	Yesterday I spent some time with my older sister. She mentioned running into someone from our old neighbourhood like 32 years ago old. We are TN now and we grew up in MD, so she ran into this person here in TN at a clinic she goes to for her medical care. So she mentions this name to me and it so happens that this person is the aunt of one of the boys who molested me. My heart stopped beating at the sound of this name...but I thought to myself that was a different time and place. Then she tells me where she ran into this person...now keep in mind my sister has no knowledge of my past nor do I want her to. So it took all I had just to keep my cool and not flip out. But I am glad to report.....no anxiety today or lastnight and no bad dreams...in the past when this abuse episode was triggered by something I not only had to deal with the psychological aspect of remembering...but the physical, does that make sense to anyone. Like my body remembered what was done to it and I feel it all over again. Crazy huh? But I was glad that i didnt have to endure any of that again..at least this time...maybe its all gone...wouldnt that be nice! Hugs and love and blessings to you all. May you have a beautiful week and find great joy and peace in your lives. __________________ *Dreams are the lover's way of living a fairytale in the light of day.*http://i736.photobucket.com/albums/x...esCALWEZ92.jpg

04-06-2010, 02:13 PM	#2
TenderKnight Member How Do You Identify?: Kinky Poly Transman Preferred Pronoun?: He Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Monroe, NC Posts: 551 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 773 Thanked 822 Times in 256 Posts Rep Power: 2402408	(((((((((((((((Jen)))))))))))))))) Wow, that does sound stressful There is nothing I can say or do to make it "better", but just know that you are in my thoughts. No, not really stressful to go out on the street (although, I have been making every excuse NOT to lately, except to go to work.. hmm ), and honestly, the neighborhood is pretty calm.. lol. It just seems like I am running into these events. Bah.. Again, sending you some positive energy. Dragonfly, thank you for your welcome and ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) right back atcha Sending Light your way too, hon. -Tony

04-06-2010, 03:10 PM	#4
TenderKnight Member How Do You Identify?: Kinky Poly Transman Preferred Pronoun?: He Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Monroe, NC Posts: 551 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 773 Thanked 822 Times in 256 Posts Rep Power: 2402408	Update to what happened last week. I have to appear as a witness next tuesday.. Gah.. STRESSED now.. lol

04-06-2010, 03:34 PM	#6
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Tony, I am so very sorry about having to go to court. Crap. PTSD is a rollercoaster. I was wondering if you can go talk to someone before going to court. I think it would do you a world of good. Plus it would be of help afterwards. Do you know of any places where you can inquire about this? Jen, I am hoping you find your inner peace and strength right now. I think we all need it sooner than later. Everyone here is in my thoughts and prayers. Andrew

04-07-2010, 11:11 AM	#7
Canela Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Babe, she, her, ella Relationship Status: Well loved… Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Texas Posts: 2,375 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 10,644 Thanked 6,502 Times in 1,694 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Hi Everyone; I finally have some time to post again...I have been so busy and truly I have been blessed...so why do the depression symptoms try to rear their ugly head in my life these days? I've been going thru some bad flashbacks lately, because my ex is trying to convince me that I should be with her/go back to her, all the while I am in love and happy with my hunny...it makes me feel weird and dirty but some tiny lil piece of me is happy that she wants me still. Why do I think that its happy? I think it's just an old and familiar. This relationship was extrememly dysfunctional, it was a TPE relationship without us even being a BDSM couple. I never knew I had given up total power to her. It was the worst 16 years of my life, being treated like a slave with no rights, no say...I don't tell this much because I don't like to revisit it. (It has taken the better part of 6 years to "deprogram" me from this control of hers.) I know its wrong, I know its not an option, going back to her is like taking 1000 steps backwards...and so, I am caught in this sort of auto pilot mode...I keep going thru my days, not always emotionally present and trying not to let this touch me...but it makes for a very difficult moment, then my days are delayed or not as filled because the depression, until I can overcome it and move, takes precedent. I am doing everything I can to push it off me, praying and trusting in God, calling on the holy spirit to inspire and motivate me, energize me and get me out of that place in my head and heart I am at in those moments. I don't know if this makes sense, I just needed to vent, I needed to share and I needed my friends. I hope you are all overcoming, because we all deserve better. My head and heart and life knows this. But some days, nostalgia gets me and I allow it...damn those bridges of madison county! I need to remember that it's only once a year I'm allowed to do that. My aunt is doing better, she is in a rehab facility now, my family is wonderful, and my home is all organized and clean and very comfortable. Work is taking a beating with everything I am going thru--have been doing in my personal life--but I am hoping I can get back into my stride and be productive, once again. Love and blessings to all. Shug

04-09-2010, 05:06 PM	#8
Jet Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: .. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: .. Posts: 3,471 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 292 Thanked 2,647 Times in 1,293 Posts Rep Power: 0	Hi everyone, Just checking in before the weekend. My journey into exploring and facing severe trauma began 18 months ago with the situation gaining intensity and remaining that way for the last 3 months. I'm proud to say I'm alive; I made it through what had to have been the most frightening, most difficult part of remembering my ordeal. There were continuous body flashbacks; many times I had to hold on to something and remind myself that what was happening wasn't real, but a memory. The intensity has eased up quite a bit and I'm able to sleep. But there are residual affects such feeling isolated and wanting to be that way; remorse, disbelief that I went through this, and terrible feelings of victimization for having been blindsided. I have a terrible time coping with the fact that anything at all could have happened so unforeseen and left field. I could have been killed, and to think that I had a brush with death is a lot to deal with. At the same time, I think these are painful, but normal responses. The past few weeks have been heart stopping to say the least and it took incessant prayer and what faith I have to face unconscionable fears and memories. Mine was a case of severe shock and fear, to the point that my heart chakra is so damaged it feels as though a sword has gone right through my sternum and out the back leaving and "empty space" in that area. But as I remembered and moved through the shock, I felt a sort of "fusing" as though my insides are fusing back together and that "space" is beginning to close—normal feelings in my chest are returning and the recovery process has begun. I can't speculate how long this will take. Until then, I hope you're all doing well. Jet

04-11-2010, 07:17 AM	#11
DELSDAUGHTER Member How Do You Identify?: femme , with occasional tomboy tendencies Relationship Status: single,just me and the pup... Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: sittin on the Mason-Dixon Posts: 239 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29 Thanked 83 Times in 51 Posts Rep Power: 429668	Just stopping by with a big hello and (((HUG))) for everyone... My daughter has moved home from colorado..and i am happy to announce she told me yesterday that her anxiety has lessened and hasnt had any chest or throat syptoms since she has been home.... thank goodness......boy a difference a feww months makes sometimes.... wishing you all well......have a good sunday.....

04-11-2010, 06:20 PM	#13
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Disclosing past abuse, no matter the kind (physical, sexual, mental, and so on) is very personal and private. I find it rather insulting and offensive when people want others to post their personal and intimate details online. To me it is like going to work, and having co-workers wanting to have something to talk about. You just don't do it. It is the same as talking about your sex life with everyone. You just don't do it. Princess, you hold your head high. You a just a lovebug. Don't let anyone force you to do or say anything you don't want too! Remember we love you something terribly here, and I will stand up for anyone who tries to be ugly.

04-12-2010, 09:53 PM	#15
Kimbo Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: Eligible Butchelor Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Seattle Posts: 591 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 432 Thanked 551 Times in 257 Posts Rep Power: 120	Princess4u, I also have body memories. It is horrible to have to relive the things we do. Mine have faded much through the years and the therapy but they still happen on occasion, especially, if I feel unsafe around someone. I also can have some serious reactions to smell and a few other things. Our senses are truly amazing and powerful. It's a good thing when you are triggered like that and you didn't have a major reactions. Things do get better, no?