"Adult Only" or "Childless Weddings"

[Ginger]

I can't get past the fact that someone said she can't go to a wedding because she can't get childcare.

Usually you have a couple months or more lead time before a wedding. To be so isolated you can't find someone to watch your kids in that amount of time, or to not be able to save up for a few hours of childcare in that amount of time isn't that unusual, I guess. But wow. That feels harsh.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I can't get past the fact that someone said she can't go to a wedding because she can't get childcare.

Usually you have a couple months or more lead time before a wedding. To be so isolated you can't find someone to watch your kids in that amount of time, or to not be able to save up for a few hours of childcare in that amount of time isn't that unusual, I guess. But wow. That feels harsh.

I am lucky that my wife and i make a good living, but i know people who go without food and medicine so their children can eat a meal a day. Easy for us to say that someone could save for childcare, or find a sitter that won't molest our kids...not everyone has a support system.

[Martina]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

I am lucky that my wife and i make a good living, but i know people who go without food and medicine so their children can eat a meal a day. Easy for us to say that someone could save for childcare, or find a sitter that won't molest our kids...not everyone has a support system.

I also know people who don't travel without their kids, and a lot of weddings require travel. Many people do not leave their young children for two days at a time. Friends of mine have a child with severe allergies, allergies that can be fatal. They prefer to supervise what their child eats. Leaving him with others requires a lot of training and a lot of faith. In my opinion a wedding may not be worth the worry.

[Martina]

Maybe I live a boring middle class life, but most people I know with kids do NOT live near their parents, so they are raising their kids more or less on their own. Not ideal, but common.

Nor do they necessarily live near siblings, cousins and dear friends. Many -- no, most -- have moved for jobs or spouse's jobs. So weddings almost always mean travel. My friends, whom I met in real time, when we all lived in the same town(s), now live all over the United States. The closest relative I have is seven hours away.

For many many people, serious back-up child-care -- the kind you trust your kids with overnight or for a couple of days -- is not down the street with an extended family member.

Leaving your young children overnight or for two nights with someone you are paying. . . . really iffy. And leaving your kids with friends for that length of time is a big BIG favor.

Traveling with kids is difficult. Traveling without them is often almost impossible.

[Nat]

I think people are totally within their rights to have whatever wedding suits the couple in question. And overtaxed moms the world over have a right to feel a bit butt-hurt to get an invitation in the mail from people who ostensibly know they won't be able to attend if the child can't come.

I have a vague recollection that childcare was offered at my long-ago wedding. It was at a church, and there was the option of paying for one of the church daycare workers to come in and baby-sit for a few hours. That might be an option to consider if a close friend or relative is stuck with sole responsibility for a kid and without the means to get a babysitter.

Anyway, I think both parties have a right to their feelings, but the main thing that could soothe ruffled feathers is an actual real conversation. And if neither party feels like talking, then maybe this is not a guest the happy couple actually wants at their wedding. Because people can and do move mountains to accommodate each other if it's worth it to them.

I like kids at weddings. But that's me.

[Martina]

In my personal experience and the experience of friends, it's not usually the guest who feels butt hurt. They may feel guilty. They may regret not being able to go. Usually, in fact, it's the happy couple . . . or one of them . . . who gets be upset when someone important to them cannot attend.

I have seen a lot of that. The wedding plans make it damned difficult for some people to attend -- those with kids, older or disabled people (my friends who had the wedding in the woods), or people with limited incomes (happens a lot).

Then when someone expresses their regrets, there is drama.

My opinion is that if you TRULY want people to attend your wedding, don't make it so damned hard. People do that alot. Have the wedding of your dreams, but if being there involves hardship for some of your guests, at least be understanding when they can't make it.

My cousin's son just got married, and they were incredibly gracious and helpful and had a lovely wedding. It can be done.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I'll put my hand up and say I don't understand those feelings at all. people being super sad someone can't come - totally get. I felt a lot of that. pissed off and hurt? um... no? why? I truly don't understand why anyone would be angry/hurt that a guest could not come because of cost or lack of childcare. I honestly can't wrap my head around that.

My guess is that would happened mostly with people who have money to throw at weddings and thus not understand what it's like to be dirt poor and thus don't understand why they can't pay so it must be personal?

that's all I can grasp.

[Apocalipstic]

On the other hand, weddings can be expensive as hell and some couples plan what makes them happy for their special day. They invite friends and family knowing full well that not everyone will be able to attend, but wanting everyone to know they are welcome of they can make it.

I don't think it's the responsibility of the couple to plan a different day based on the finances of guests. Nothing wrong with a polite rsvp no, if they can't afford to go. I myself often can't afford things and I say no. It's not personal.

[Martina]

I don't understand it either, but I myself have personally RSVP'd no to several weddings and gotten phone calls afterward begging me to reconsider. People expressed their disbelief that I didn't pull out all the stops and make it to their wedding.

I have had a number of friends who have had this experience too. It's no small thing saying no to a wedding. And I guess it shouldn't be. A wedding is a big deal. If you can make it, you should.

I am just saying that if you have a wedding in Hawaii, don't expect your poor Aunt Mathilda to spend every dime of her savings getting there. But I have seen that over and again.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

I am lucky that my wife and i make a good living, but i know people who go without food and medicine so their children can eat a meal a day. Easy for us to say that someone could save for childcare, or find a sitter that won't molest our kids...not everyone has a support system.

I wasn't saying they could save for a sitter and were choosing not to.

Or maybe that's not what you were saying I was saying (confusing, sorry).

Anyway, perhaps unnecessarily, I'll clarify and say, I was just saying, I feel bad for anyone in that situation who is isolated or without options.

I lived with someone with a kid for 2.3 years. We were very isolated, with no childcare options, and never did anything together, just us, for us. A wedding that excluded kids, we would have declined. It's a moot point now, but I'll always have more empathy for people in that situation because of it.

That said, I think people have a right to make their wedding be any kind of event they want, with kids, without, whatever. I would never resent that.

[Ravenouss]

I have never been to an “adult only” wedding. In fact, I had never even heard of it. Perhaps it is cultural. Where I come from, weddings are an all-inclusive family affair and everyone is expected to show up: grandparents, children, aunties, etc. Even neighbors!

In this country, however, I’ve grown accustomed to different weddings with invitations and RSVPs. Understandable: it is expensive to get married in the U.S. with all the expectations around it from the marrying parties to the attending guests. It is common to spend 20K, 40, 100k or more!

One’s wedding – even if one is swimming in cash -- is their own , and one has the right to invite whoever they want. I might be very sheltered, however, to think that I know no one who would exclude my children!

If I ever received an adult-only invitation, I would understand it. I would send a gift, offer my sincere best wishes for a life of happiness and politely decline to attend.

[Martina]

I don't resent other people's choices. I admire their creativity. But don't expect me or mine to go through real hardship unless we decide to. I have been big time guilt tripped for not wanting to travel when I did not have vacation time. So for one wedding, I was out the travel money and my pay. (For that one, I bit the bullet and attended.) The next month was a joy -- financially.

People in the U.S. DO often expect a lot. I have known a lot of wonderful couples making lovely welcoming arrangements. And I have known a few -- even good friends -- who don't get it that their wedding is not perhaps worth others' financial hardship or others worrying about their kids.

That is what I don't get and never will. Is there something about a wedding that brings out otherwise good people's inner narcissist?

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by Martina

I don't resent other people's choices. I admire their creativity. But don't expect me or mine to go through real hardship unless we decide to. I have been big time guilt tripped for not traveling when I did not have vacation time -- and would have had my pay docked. So I was out the travel money and my pay. (For that one, I bit the bullet and attended.)

People in the U.S. DO often expect that. I have known a lot of wonderful couples making lovely welcoming arrangements. And I have known a few -- even good friends -- who don't get it that their wedding is not perhaps worth others' financial hardship or others worrying about their kids.

That is what I don't get and never will. Is there something about a wedding that brings out otherwise good people's inner narcissists?

I do not think anyone is a narcissist for wanting a child-free wedding!

People have a right to have the wedding of their choice without judgments on wether or not they have a personality disorder or that something is wrong with them.

I feel this way even having raised two kids and having spent a good portion of their childhood with next to no money.

We all have the choice to attend any wedding without getting ourselves all upset if they don't want our little darlings present.

My 5 grandchildren are lovely and well-behaved. I am proud to take them anywhere but again, feel people have the right to the wedding of their dreams just as I have the right to attend or not.

[Peach]

I am not fond of children. I don't really enjoy spending time with them. When we were married, nobody in my family had young kids, the youngest were teenagers that were so excited about the wedding, I had them do the guestbook table, and greet guests as they arrived, and were thrilled to be a part of it. Not many of our friends had young kids, so it wasnt an issue.
Now though, my niece has two kids and her sister is expecting her first, my cousin has to two young kids, one of which is super hyper and needs to be the center of attention. If the wedding were now, I would have made it an adult only reception.
I see nothing wrong with adult only events.
I have edited this so many times as I found myself going on rants about kids, and really just dont want to offend or hurt the feelings of those with kids, so I think I will end it now LOL

[Ts_kaijira]

When there is family involved, and family who feel that their needs trump all, there is no resolving the fact that feelings will be hurt. Having almost lost communication with a family member over something similar, I have to say that you should hold firm to your convictions, find a way to communicate with little emotion, and just ride it out.

I paid a price for almost 10 years, but now all is well. Family is around for a
l o n g time. My next wedding will be children free.

[LaneyDoll]

When my sister and I were young, we went to a huge wedding with my mom. But, to be honest, we should not have been there.

Our family member was marrying into a different culture than we were raised in. The culture she married into celebrated weddings in a big way. There was lot and lots of food and alcohol and the party went well into the night. If I had attended the same wedding when I was in my 20's I probably would have had a blast

Since the culture was different to us, the food was as well and it was too spicy for our undeveloped palates. We tasted what we had to but did not eat anything except the fruit that we recognized-watermelon. However it had been soaked in rum and we did not know that-at our age we would not have known what rum was anyway.

Because the wedding lasted so long and we did not like most of the food, we ate lots of watermelon because we were hungry. Finally someone had to tell my mom about the alcohol and she naturally took it away. The rum watermelon is one of two things that I really remember about the night. The other is being so tired that my sister and I fell asleep in a corner of the reception hall. I just wanted to go home. But, neither of us would have acted up in anyway. We were little china dolls in appearance and we were expected to act the same way. Seen, not heard. Speaking only when spoken to. Trust me, a formal wedding was not a stretch for us, behavior wise.

The rum watermelon story is a funny one now but in my eyes, the simple fact is that there are a lot of weddings that children should simply not attend and the wedding party should feel comfy in stating "adults only please."

[Martina]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I do not think anyone is a narcissist for wanting a child-free wedding!

I didn't say that. What I object to -- and was criticizing as selfish -- is making attending a wedding a hardship while expecting, even demanding, that people you supposedly care about endure that hardship. I don't get that. It's not joyful or celebratory. Even though people I love have done it, the choice to do that is not something that I respect.

[Ravenouss]

I think the next step is cutting out the old people from fun filled events.
"I am not fond of old people and don't like spending time with them!" -- this is said in tongue and cheek just to illustrate how statements can be hurtful. I used to have tons of LGBTQxyz friends, now that I have children my closest friends are straight. (That is an interesting subject for another thread, I guess)

However, as I said before: if it is your wedding, invite whoever you want and ONLY who you want.

And as Martina has so clearly stated: don't expect people to say yes just to make you happy! They might not have the means of keeping their kid's home.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Ravenouss

I think the next step is cutting out the old people from fun filled events.
"I am not fond of old people and don't like spending time with them!" -- this is said in tongue and cheek just to illustrate how statements can be hurtful. I used to have tons of LGBTQxyz friends, now that I have children my closest friends are straight. (That is an interesting subject for another thread, I guess)

However, as I said before: if it is your wedding, invite whoever you want and ONLY who you want.

And as Martina has so clearly stated: don't expect people to say yes just to make you happy! They might not have the means of keeping their kid's home.

I believe that *older people* are adults.... Wanting an adult setting for one's wedding isn't a bad thing, a narcissistic thing, a selfish thing, an anything other than that is what the couple prefers..

*I* personally love love love *adult only space* I like to enjoy my time, my wine and if I choose to say or do something that could be deemed *vulgar* I can and not have to consider someone's sprout and what that sprout can and can't be around.


I feel if a couple wants that kind of space then it's perfectly fine since it is *their* day and *their* wedding and *their* preference. I am not understanding how this is not ok for adults to want to be around other adults... I come from a cultural background where children are acceptable at wedding if one chooses, I also come from a family that gets that some of us really do enjoy our "adult" space and it's ok to not have kids up one's ass.

[Ravenouss]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I believe that *older people* are adults.... Wanting an adult setting for one's wedding isn't a bad thing, a narcissistic thing, a selfish thing, an anything other than that is what the couple prefers..

*I* personally love love love *adult only space* I like to enjoy my time, my wine and if I choose to say or do something that could be deemed *vulgar* I can and not have to consider someone's sprout and what that sprout can and can't be around.


I feel if a couple wants that kind of space then it's perfectly fine since it is *their* day and *their* wedding and *their* preference. I am not understanding how this is not ok for adults to want to be around other adults... I come from a cultural background where children are acceptable at wedding if one chooses, I also come from a family that gets that some of us really do enjoy our "adult" space and it's ok to not have kids up one's ass.

I never said an adult only space is not ok. Would you please point that out to me if I have done so?

My point, I believe, despite English being my first language is very clear: "someone is getting married, they should chose whoever they want to attend!"