"Adult Only" or "Childless Weddings"

*Anya* · 09-05-2013, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martina

I don't resent other people's choices. I admire their creativity. But don't expect me or mine to go through real hardship unless we decide to. I have been big time guilt tripped for not traveling when I did not have vacation time -- and would have had my pay docked. So I was out the travel money and my pay. (For that one, I bit the bullet and attended.)

People in the U.S. DO often expect that. I have known a lot of wonderful couples making lovely welcoming arrangements. And I have known a few -- even good friends -- who don't get it that their wedding is not perhaps worth others' financial hardship or others worrying about their kids.

That is what I don't get and never will. Is there something about a wedding that brings out otherwise good people's inner narcissists?

I do not think anyone is a narcissist for wanting a child-free wedding!

People have a right to have the wedding of their choice without judgments on wether or not they have a personality disorder or that something is wrong with them.

I feel this way even having raised two kids and having spent a good portion of their childhood with next to no money.

We all have the choice to attend any wedding without getting ourselves all upset if they don't want our little darlings present.

My 5 grandchildren are lovely and well-behaved. I am proud to take them anywhere but again, feel people have the right to the wedding of their dreams just as I have the right to attend or not.

Peach · 09-05-2013, 09:27 PM

I am not fond of children. I don't really enjoy spending time with them. When we were married, nobody in my family had young kids, the youngest were teenagers that were so excited about the wedding, I had them do the guestbook table, and greet guests as they arrived, and were thrilled to be a part of it. Not many of our friends had young kids, so it wasnt an issue.
Now though, my niece has two kids and her sister is expecting her first, my cousin has to two young kids, one of which is super hyper and needs to be the center of attention. If the wedding were now, I would have made it an adult only reception.
I see nothing wrong with adult only events.
I have edited this so many times as I found myself going on rants about kids, and really just dont want to offend or hurt the feelings of those with kids, so I think I will end it now LOL

Ts_kaijira · 09-05-2013, 09:43 PM

When there is family involved, and family who feel that their needs trump all, there is no resolving the fact that feelings will be hurt. Having almost lost communication with a family member over something similar, I have to say that you should hold firm to your convictions, find a way to communicate with little emotion, and just ride it out.

I paid a price for almost 10 years, but now all is well. Family is around for a
l o n g time. My next wedding will be children free.

LaneyDoll · 09-05-2013, 10:10 PM

When my sister and I were young, we went to a huge wedding with my mom. But, to be honest, we should not have been there.

Our family member was marrying into a different culture than we were raised in. The culture she married into celebrated weddings in a big way. There was lot and lots of food and alcohol and the party went well into the night. If I had attended the same wedding when I was in my 20's I probably would have had a blast

Since the culture was different to us, the food was as well and it was too spicy for our undeveloped palates. We tasted what we had to but did not eat anything except the fruit that we recognized-watermelon. However it had been soaked in rum and we did not know that-at our age we would not have known what rum was anyway.

Because the wedding lasted so long and we did not like most of the food, we ate lots of watermelon because we were hungry. Finally someone had to tell my mom about the alcohol and she naturally took it away. The rum watermelon is one of two things that I really remember about the night. The other is being so tired that my sister and I fell asleep in a corner of the reception hall. I just wanted to go home. But, neither of us would have acted up in anyway. We were little china dolls in appearance and we were expected to act the same way. Seen, not heard. Speaking only when spoken to. Trust me, a formal wedding was not a stretch for us, behavior wise.

The rum watermelon story is a funny one now but in my eyes, the simple fact is that there are a lot of weddings that children should simply not attend and the wedding party should feel comfy in stating "adults only please."

Martina · 09-05-2013, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I do not think anyone is a narcissist for wanting a child-free wedding!

I didn't say that. What I object to -- and was criticizing as selfish -- is making attending a wedding a hardship while expecting, even demanding, that people you supposedly care about endure that hardship. I don't get that. It's not joyful or celebratory. Even though people I love have done it, the choice to do that is not something that I respect.

Ravenouss · 09-06-2013, 08:53 AM

I think the next step is cutting out the old people from fun filled events.
"I am not fond of old people and don't like spending time with them!" -- this is said in tongue and cheek just to illustrate how statements can be hurtful. I used to have tons of LGBTQxyz friends, now that I have children my closest friends are straight. (That is an interesting subject for another thread, I guess)

However, as I said before: if it is your wedding, invite whoever you want and ONLY who you want.

And as Martina has so clearly stated: don't expect people to say yes just to make you happy! They might not have the means of keeping their kid's home.

The_Lady_Snow · 09-06-2013, 09:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ravenouss

I think the next step is cutting out the old people from fun filled events.
"I am not fond of old people and don't like spending time with them!" -- this is said in tongue and cheek just to illustrate how statements can be hurtful. I used to have tons of LGBTQxyz friends, now that I have children my closest friends are straight. (That is an interesting subject for another thread, I guess)

However, as I said before: if it is your wedding, invite whoever you want and ONLY who you want.

And as Martina has so clearly stated: don't expect people to say yes just to make you happy! They might not have the means of keeping their kid's home.

I believe that *older people* are adults.... Wanting an adult setting for one's wedding isn't a bad thing, a narcissistic thing, a selfish thing, an anything other than that is what the couple prefers..

*I* personally love love love *adult only space* I like to enjoy my time, my wine and if I choose to say or do something that could be deemed *vulgar* I can and not have to consider someone's sprout and what that sprout can and can't be around.

I feel if a couple wants that kind of space then it's perfectly fine since it is *their* day and *their* wedding and *their* preference. I am not understanding how this is not ok for adults to want to be around other adults... I come from a cultural background where children are acceptable at wedding if one chooses, I also come from a family that gets that some of us really do enjoy our "adult" space and it's ok to not have kids up one's ass.

Ravenouss · 09-06-2013, 09:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I believe that *older people* are adults.... Wanting an adult setting for one's wedding isn't a bad thing, a narcissistic thing, a selfish thing, an anything other than that is what the couple prefers..

*I* personally love love love *adult only space* I like to enjoy my time, my wine and if I choose to say or do something that could be deemed *vulgar* I can and not have to consider someone's sprout and what that sprout can and can't be around.

I feel if a couple wants that kind of space then it's perfectly fine since it is *their* day and *their* wedding and *their* preference. I am not understanding how this is not ok for adults to want to be around other adults... I come from a cultural background where children are acceptable at wedding if one chooses, I also come from a family that gets that some of us really do enjoy our "adult" space and it's ok to not have kids up one's ass.

I never said an adult only space is not ok. Would you please point that out to me if I have done so?

My point, I believe, despite English being my first language is very clear: "someone is getting married, they should chose whoever they want to attend!"

The_Lady_Snow · 09-06-2013, 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ravenouss

I never said an adult only space is not ok. Would you please point that out to me if I have done so?

My point, I believe, despite English being my first language is very clear: "someone is getting married, they should chose whoever they want to attend!"

*sigh*

I wasn't saying or implying you had, I even went as far as to send you a rep saying I was going to bounce off your post with a smiley face

to clarify.

That's it just bouncing off a post. My bad..............

Ravenouss · 09-06-2013, 09:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

*sigh*

I wasn't saying or implying you had, I even went as far as to send you a rep saying I was going to bounce off your post with a smiley face

to clarify.

That's it just bouncing off a post. My bad..............

My bad for taking it personally. My apologies and thank you for the clarification.

BullDog · 09-06-2013, 10:01 AM

I personally love kids at weddings- unless they are crying/screaming during the ceremony (of course that goes for disruptive behavior by adults too). I love seeing all the different generations of people at a wedding- the more variety the merrier.

I have never received an invitation for an adult-only wedding, but it wouldn't influence my decision on whether to go or not. I do think it is up to the couple getting married. Hopefully when couples get married they are considerate of their guests while also having the ceremony that is meaningful to them. You will never be able to please or accommodate everyone.

Ginger · 09-06-2013, 05:22 PM

I can't believe how I blanked this out through this whole thread, but when I was living with someone who had a kid, we were invited to an adult-only wedding.

It was two gay guys getting married, one of whom, ironically, has a kid who was a teenager then (and is now just starting college, and I'm mentoring him and helped them through the registration process).

Anyway, we got invited to this adult-only wedding, and since we had no childcare options, we didn't go.

I regret not having gone by myself, and more than that, I regret having told the friend why we couldn't go, because he felt guilted into making an exception (not what I wanted), which we declined.

It can be so awkward, life. I really like being home alone. It feels so soothing. And these dilemmas we're talking about aren't trite. They bring up all kinds of cultural, social, class issues.

Sweet Bliss · 09-14-2013, 07:11 PM

I have never been to a wedding that was that fancy. I have only attended backyard weddings with friends and family. Not being a partier you could find me with infants and toddlers helping new moms.

I loved rocking them to sleep or reading stories. Always been good at calming fussy babes.

An invitation is just that. Not an edict. I would hope that not accepting would not be taken as a personal affront.

Peach · 09-14-2013, 08:03 PM

I've been to both formal, and informal, some with kids some with none. The day belongs to those getting married, their wishes need to be honored, bottom line. As a guest, its isnt my place to say what should or shouldnt be. I went to one, was told what to bring (it was a pot luck reception) how much of it, where to shop for the food....I was told what to wear, organic fibers only.......what gift to bring, with them guessing as to my income, how much to spend! I sent a card, wished them well, and stayed home.

imperfect_cupcake · 03-05-2018, 12:09 PM

Oh totally, my friends make WAY more trouble than kids.

Which is why the reception was an adult only area. We didn't say this explicitly, and we did have the massive room upstairs,s for the kids on the floor between the master bedroom level and the ground floor dinning, reception, and kitchen.

We basically did what our parents did in the 70s. Back then you brought your kids to the party, put them in the basement with whatever games was their favourite, and the 2 oldest bascially got stuck with keeping mind.

At ours no toddlers/babies stayed past the first course of the buffet. They went home with their 2 mums.

The kids played upstairs, occasionally relatively soberish parent would check in. Slowly people went back to hotels, couches, guest rooms, etc with children.

but the adult only was not because kids cause damage LOL - I have caused far more damage than a child, I'm sure, in my 20s and early 30s, but BECAUSE we get *rowdy*
And more than likely someone is going to get naked at some point, and dance around like an idiot with mash potatoes on their arse (*yawn*), we did have to kick someone out for not being able to handle the pot in Amsterdam, And more than likely because there was quite a few UK club folk there, some form of unmentionables would be happening by one or two in the loo at some point and depending on their resulting state they might be mild and amusing people or guerning idiots I'd have to send home.

It was very, very fun, it did get messy, I broke a horse crop over inks arse at one point, I believe.

So... I don't think Adult Only Space is about having children "wreck" things. But about having "adult time to do adult things that kids would find boring or disturbing."

kittygrrl · 03-05-2018, 03:04 PM

I think it is up to the bride & her parents with the groom consulted..since it is the brides parents who will bear most of the cost of the wedding traditionally..it is a thoughtful addition to the invitation to include children if your budget permits but it's not a given. I consider most weddings adult affairs, as a general rule, and if you have a problem it is, don't go. RSVP of course.

Mel C. · 03-05-2018, 07:06 PM

I attended an Adult-only ceremony last year. I thought it was completely within the bride and groom's rights to decide whether they want children present (with the knowledge some parents may not be able to attend or may choose not to attend if they feel their children are being left out).

BTW, a couple brought their kid (maybe 8 years old) despite the bride and groom's request. THAT was classless.

09-05-2013, 09:43 PM	#3
Ts_kaijira Member How Do You Identify?: Tommi's Kaijira Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: tied up Join Date: Jun 2013 Location: earth Posts: 161 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 538 Thanked 703 Times in 148 Posts Rep Power: 18509884	Not resolvable When there is family involved, and family who feel that their needs trump all, there is no resolving the fact that feelings will be hurt. Having almost lost communication with a family member over something similar, I have to say that you should hold firm to your convictions, find a way to communicate with little emotion, and just ride it out. I paid a price for almost 10 years, but now all is well. Family is around for a l o n g time. My next wedding will be children free. __________________ A wild longing for strong emotions and sensations seethes in me, a rage against this toneless, flat, normal and sterile life. H Hesse, Steppenwolf

09-05-2013, 10:10 PM	#4
LaneyDoll Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Girly girl femme Preferred Pronoun?: She; Ma'am; Miss ;) Relationship Status: Pitbull protected. Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 2,204 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,892 Thanked 7,683 Times in 1,607 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	When my sister and I were young, we went to a huge wedding with my mom. But, to be honest, we should not have been there. Our family member was marrying into a different culture than we were raised in. The culture she married into celebrated weddings in a big way. There was lot and lots of food and alcohol and the party went well into the night. If I had attended the same wedding when I was in my 20's I probably would have had a blast Since the culture was different to us, the food was as well and it was too spicy for our undeveloped palates. We tasted what we had to but did not eat anything except the fruit that we recognized-watermelon. However it had been soaked in rum and we did not know that-at our age we would not have known what rum was anyway. Because the wedding lasted so long and we did not like most of the food, we ate lots of watermelon because we were hungry. Finally someone had to tell my mom about the alcohol and she naturally took it away. The rum watermelon is one of two things that I really remember about the night. The other is being so tired that my sister and I fell asleep in a corner of the reception hall. I just wanted to go home. But, neither of us would have acted up in anyway. We were little china dolls in appearance and we were expected to act the same way. Seen, not heard. Speaking only when spoken to. Trust me, a formal wedding was not a stretch for us, behavior wise. The rum watermelon story is a funny one now but in my eyes, the simple fact is that there are a lot of weddings that children should simply not attend and the wedding party should feel comfy in stating "adults only please." __________________ There are beauties who stop traffic and then there are beauties who grow obsessively in the hearts of the susceptible.

09-06-2013, 08:53 AM	#6
Ravenouss Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: There might be many princesses in a kingdom, but only one Queen! Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Washington, D.C. Posts: 60 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 121 Thanked 128 Times in 39 Posts Rep Power: 1644236	I think the next step is cutting out the old people from fun filled events. "I am not fond of old people and don't like spending time with them!" -- this is said in tongue and cheek just to illustrate how statements can be hurtful. I used to have tons of LGBTQxyz friends, now that I have children my closest friends are straight. (That is an interesting subject for another thread, I guess) However, as I said before: if it is your wedding, invite whoever you want and ONLY who you want. And as Martina has so clearly stated: don't expect people to say yes just to make you happy! They might not have the means of keeping their kid's home. __________________ A chacun sa chimere... Baudelaire Last edited by Ravenouss; 09-06-2013 at 08:55 AM. Reason: adding text

09-06-2013, 05:22 PM	#12
Ginger Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme lesbian Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: East coast Posts: 2,416 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,829 Thanked 12,297 Times in 2,057 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I can't believe how I blanked this out through this whole thread, but when I was living with someone who had a kid, we were invited to an adult-only wedding. It was two gay guys getting married, one of whom, ironically, has a kid who was a teenager then (and is now just starting college, and I'm mentoring him and helped them through the registration process). Anyway, we got invited to this adult-only wedding, and since we had no childcare options, we didn't go. I regret not having gone by myself, and more than that, I regret having told the friend why we couldn't go, because he felt guilted into making an exception (not what I wanted), which we declined. It can be so awkward, life. I really like being home alone. It feels so soothing. And these dilemmas we're talking about aren't trite. They bring up all kinds of cultural, social, class issues. __________________ Reach out.

03-05-2018, 03:04 PM	#16
kittygrrl Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: witchy Relationship Status: just for fun Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: near the wild mushrooms Posts: 9,366 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21,595 Thanked 21,952 Times in 7,076 Posts Rep Power: 21474861	I think it is up to the bride & her parents with the groom consulted..since it is the brides parents who will bear most of the cost of the wedding traditionally..it is a thoughtful addition to the invitation to include children if your budget permits but it's not a given. I consider most weddings adult affairs, as a general rule, and if you have a problem it is, don't go. RSVP of course. __________________ "MAKE AMERICA THINK AGAIN"

09-05-2013, 09:27 PM	#2
Peach Member How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: happily married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: where my hat is Posts: 173 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 69 Thanked 640 Times in 129 Posts Rep Power: 5775547	I am not fond of children. I don't really enjoy spending time with them. When we were married, nobody in my family had young kids, the youngest were teenagers that were so excited about the wedding, I had them do the guestbook table, and greet guests as they arrived, and were thrilled to be a part of it. Not many of our friends had young kids, so it wasnt an issue. Now though, my niece has two kids and her sister is expecting her first, my cousin has to two young kids, one of which is super hyper and needs to be the center of attention. If the wedding were now, I would have made it an adult only reception. I see nothing wrong with adult only events. I have edited this so many times as I found myself going on rants about kids, and really just dont want to offend or hurt the feelings of those with kids, so I think I will end it now LOL

09-06-2013, 10:01 AM	#11
BullDog Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Dominant Stone Butch Daddy Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In A Healing Place Posts: 5,371 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,160 Thanked 22,666 Times in 4,464 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I personally love kids at weddings- unless they are crying/screaming during the ceremony (of course that goes for disruptive behavior by adults too). I love seeing all the different generations of people at a wedding- the more variety the merrier. I have never received an invitation for an adult-only wedding, but it wouldn't influence my decision on whether to go or not. I do think it is up to the couple getting married. Hopefully when couples get married they are considerate of their guests while also having the ceremony that is meaningful to them. You will never be able to please or accommodate everyone.

09-14-2013, 07:11 PM	#13
Sweet Bliss Senior Member How Do You Identify?: I Am Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: the Beach, Pacific side Posts: 4,160 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,354 Thanked 7,268 Times in 2,159 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I have never been to a wedding that was that fancy. I have only attended backyard weddings with friends and family. Not being a partier you could find me with infants and toddlers helping new moms. I loved rocking them to sleep or reading stories. Always been good at calming fussy babes. An invitation is just that. Not an edict. I would hope that not accepting would not be taken as a personal affront.

09-14-2013, 08:03 PM	#14
Peach Member How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: happily married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: where my hat is Posts: 173 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 69 Thanked 640 Times in 129 Posts Rep Power: 5775547	I've been to both formal, and informal, some with kids some with none. The day belongs to those getting married, their wishes need to be honored, bottom line. As a guest, its isnt my place to say what should or shouldnt be. I went to one, was told what to bring (it was a pot luck reception) how much of it, where to shop for the food....I was told what to wear, organic fibers only.......what gift to bring, with them guessing as to my income, how much to spend! I sent a card, wished them well, and stayed home.

03-05-2018, 12:09 PM	#15
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Oh totally, my friends make WAY more trouble than kids. Which is why the reception was an adult only area. We didn't say this explicitly, and we did have the massive room upstairs,s for the kids on the floor between the master bedroom level and the ground floor dinning, reception, and kitchen. We basically did what our parents did in the 70s. Back then you brought your kids to the party, put them in the basement with whatever games was their favourite, and the 2 oldest bascially got stuck with keeping mind. At ours no toddlers/babies stayed past the first course of the buffet. They went home with their 2 mums. The kids played upstairs, occasionally relatively soberish parent would check in. Slowly people went back to hotels, couches, guest rooms, etc with children. but the adult only was not because kids cause damage LOL - I have caused far more damage than a child, I'm sure, in my 20s and early 30s, but BECAUSE we get rowdy And more than likely someone is going to get naked at some point, and dance around like an idiot with mash potatoes on their arse (yawn), we did have to kick someone out for not being able to handle the pot in Amsterdam, And more than likely because there was quite a few UK club folk there, some form of unmentionables would be happening by one or two in the loo at some point and depending on their resulting state they might be mild and amusing people or guerning idiots I'd have to send home. It was very, very fun, it did get messy, I broke a horse crop over inks arse at one point, I believe. So... I don't think Adult Only Space is about having children "wreck" things. But about having "adult time to do adult things that kids would find boring or disturbing."

03-05-2018, 07:06 PM	#17
Mel C. Long-time Member How Do You Identify?: WIB - woman identified butch Preferred Pronoun?: Your choice...not really a button for me Relationship Status: ♡ married 1/1/2019♡ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: San Diego Posts: 2,149 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,772 Thanked 6,828 Times in 1,621 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I attended an Adult-only ceremony last year. I thought it was completely within the bride and groom's rights to decide whether they want children present (with the knowledge some parents may not be able to attend or may choose not to attend if they feel their children are being left out). BTW, a couple brought their kid (maybe 8 years old) despite the bride and groom's request. THAT was classless.