What do you do for closure?

[Kurt]

Originally Posted by GeeGina

With respect to those who seek it, I've never been someone who needed "closure". Reason is that I prefer to just go forward and get on with my life. Seeking closure only makes me feel like a part of me - even a small part - is still living in the past, giving that someone who hurt me more power than they deserve.

Heartbreak is like a hangover - everyone's got their own unique cure that works for them. So, do whatever you need to get yourself healthy and centered again!!

Love that last line...perfectly stated..

[Ginger]

Great thread, and interesting posts!

I guess for me, "closure" just means, something is closed.

I close a door, and walk away from the closed door, and I'm okay with it being closed and I don't have an urge to keep opening it—as if I'd find something that wasn't there before, if I did.

The opposite of closure is a very unsatisfying place to be in. It's like standing in front of the empty refrigerator; opening it, seeing nothing there, then opening it again—still nothing there—and continuing to compulsively open it and reliving the disappointment that there is nothing there, over and over.

Closure, for me, means closing the door and walking away, letting go of false hope, accepting that some things will never be resolved, never make sense, accepting that I can't make myself known or even seen clearly sometimes—and it feels good to walk away from that struggle and agree not to waste more of my life on it.

Others have talked about the triggers that delay closure, the artifacts that are left when a relationship ends. I like to set them free, let those things out into the world.

I give away gifts from an ex, unless they remind me of feeling loved; not in a self-destructive, pining kind of way, but in a strong way, a way that feels validating.

[Violette]

Thanks again, everyone for your insight. I feel I have closure. Just in the healing process...which is a beautiful and sometimes painful thing, but ever so enriched by it in the end.

[MysticOceansFL]

Well here is my example of what happened to me I had to break it off with my ex of six years her and I were married and its never an easy thing to do her and I went to counseling a few times but anyway the cause was that I had no trust with her. But I never sent her an email her and I talked about it and it was mutual and I don't stay in contact with her.

[BoDy*ShOt]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

...Closure, for me, means closing the door and walking away, letting go of false hope, accepting that some things will never be resolved, never make sense, accepting that I can't make myself known or even seen clearly sometimes—and it feels good to walk away from that struggle and agree not to waste more of my life on it.

this is perfect and will go on my proverbial mirror.

[DMW]

Stop answering emails and phone calls.

[DMW]

Also, delete voicemails before they play.

I learned that sometimes I can't assist an ex in
their grieving process and letting go.
I learned that sometimes in order to get a clear mind I require
distance from their pain and their loss.
I learned that sometimes i had to be
really selfish and respect and love myself above all others and
try and get space in order to hear my own voice again.
I learned that once I decided that I was not going to
go back. That i had to "drop the rope"

Good luck

[imperfect_cupcake]

closure for me does not happen like closing a door. It's many many stages of closure.

It's almost two years ago my wife left and I'm still struggling to deal with what happened. I'm still angry. I still miss who she used to be. I still miss the incredibly good parts of our partnership... in terms of it being "us" not "her"

I took some time away. I just got in contact with her to just say I'm still around, don't know if I can talk yet. still angry.

She came back with a happy email of great news and stuff that just brought up a bunch of bile for me. She has very obviously been able to move on. And I've been very slowly trying to piece myself back. And wondering how long it will be until I'm able to trust anyone.

I would like to be friends but I dunno. I asked her for an apology for her choices or at least and aknowlegement it *WAS* a choice. rather than "oh it just happened, I didn't plan it, I'm sorry you got hurt blah blah."

when I hear that from her, I dunno maybe it might help me to get past it? Maybe not. Maybe I'll still be fucking angry for a long time anyway. But I at least told her what I needed from her if she does want to be friends.

other relationships? I say goodbye. I say goodbye in the way you say good bye to dead people. The relationship is dead. I write a letter and burn it. I take time for myself. I can't be around the other person. I know they want to be friends like, a week later, cause they miss me. you know what? that's what happens when things die. you miss them.

I try and do my work and I don't ask them to do my work for me. I write and write. and in stages, little things close. like a wall with a thousand doors. over time and work, one little door will close.

Sometimes I'm scared to close some of those little doors because I'm scared. scared that there won't be anything on the other side of all those hurt feelings. that there is just nothingness. and something is better than nothing.

It's a long, slow process that only I can give myself.

[Nic]

Don't have any "breaking up" experiences so "closure" is a foreign concept. Read something a friend of mine wrote that seems appropriate though.

Letting Go

"Letting go requires you to respect and love yourself enough to deny another person continued access to you when that access causes you to respect or love yourself less than you should.

Letting go requires that you accept the other person exactly as they are in that moment. Accept that they are who, what, and where they should be and that their life is about them, not about you.

Letting go requires that you come to terms with your different levels of apology. It's inevitable that you won't get the relief you're hoping for if/when either of you apologizes. Apology isn't just a set of words. It's a process that develops into something over time. It can't happen in any timeframe but its own.

Letting go requires living in the world that exists rather than in the world you wish existed. Don't allow false hope to lure you into a fantasy world, especially if you have experienced the hope-loss-hope cycle with that person before. Don't invent a fictional future where the other person will magically turn back into the person you met and fell in love with if some set of parameters changes. Live in the moment you have and stay away from the past and the future. The past is over and the future isn't any of your business yet.

Letting go requires being honest, no matter how ugly that can get. Don't spend time idealizing. Human beings aren't fantasy creatures. If physical or psychological harm is being done to you, walk away and stay away. Period. Don't go back thinking that you can love the problem away. You can't sweep something huge like that under a mental rug and think it won't grow into something bigger there in the dark.

Letting go requires acknowledging that your experiences, both during and at the end of the relationship, were different. Neither of you can move on if you're busy holding the door open between you for the purpose of sustaining an ongoing round of arguments or grief sharing.

Most importantly, letting go requires believing that no matter how intolerable things might feel in the moment, it's just a moment. Life goes on. You can't get caught up in the fact that it's going to go on without the person you love(d). You can't get caught up in how quickly or slowly they move on compared to you. Things are just going to go on differently, that's all. Not badly. Just differently. It takes some getting used to but, chances are, you've survived harder things."