That one question....

JDeere · 08-26-2014, 09:31 PM

Another question I have been asked that I am, as an adult, learning to deal with.

Are you adopted? My answer is yes, I am adopted but hearing the same mundane stuff spew, from other people's mouth's, really hurts.

Femmadian · 08-27-2014, 07:03 AM

"How many children do you have?"
"When are you going to have children?"
"Why don't you want children?"
"Don't you think you'll regret it later?"
"Don't you think you're being a bit selfish?"

As I get older, the questions get more intense and accusatory. They come from family, co-workers, acquaintances, prospective (but quickly eliminated) romantic interests, and once-upon-a-time friends. I tend to employ a three-strikes-you're-out rule with people who do this. If you still can't get it (or refuse to accept it) after three separate instances of having it explained to you, then you are the weakest link. Goodbye!

A person's reasons for wanting or not wanting, having or not having children are incredibly personal and intimate and not up for debate... and they're not a comment on someone else's decision to do the opposite of what they've chosen (or had chosen for them) for themselves (see: some omnivores' hostility to vegetarians/vegans).

I have no problem with people who have children. Some of my best friends have children (no, really

)! I just don't want that life for myself. Men don't seem to get this same shaming and pressure when it comes to this choice and so it raises feminist alarm bells for me when someone refuses to respect it.

Interestingly, the most relentless badgering I get (other than from conservative men) tends to be from older women whose children are more or less grown up and/or self-sufficient, middle class women with careers who are able to take time off when their children are young, or women who haven't had children yet but want them. You know who never badgers me about my choice? Young working class women who are in the thick of it all... I see them struggling to find affordable childcare, be present for their children while making sound financial choices, balance the needs and responsibilities of a partner (if they have one), trying to claw their way up in often precarious, low-wage work, all while trying to maintain their sanity and some semblance of self. They don't seem to be under the illusion at that very moment that parenting is an easy gig or something that should be done for the hell of it. In fact, they are often the biggest supporters of, essentially, what is this woman's right to choose. Funny, that.

And you know what? If I ever do get the urge to hear the pitter patter of little feet, there's always:

08-27-2014, 07:14 AM

"But you are a 'lady' really aren't you?"

"What do you do for a living?"

Aryon · 08-27-2014, 08:43 AM

For me, it isn't a question ... it is one of several statements.

If I mention that I am a two-time cancer survivor, it is the "Oh, I am so sorry", or the "Wow, you are so brave", or the "you're a fighter" ...
I do not want people to be sorry for me because I had cancer. I would rather that see it through my eyes. Every day is a celebration of life. Yes, I had cancer, but I am alive!
I am not brave. I just feel like I did what anyone else would do. I made a decision that I was not going to let cancer defeat me. That I had a lot of reasons to live.
I am not a fighter. I put up with the treatments as long as I could because that is what I needed to do.

I give thanks for every day. Life is too short to allow drama and negativity to rule your life. I pay it forward for being a survivor by making others aware. If I can make one person go get checked then I have come one step closer to showing how grateful I am to be alive.

BestButchBoy · 08-30-2014, 03:48 PM

Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?

My affinity for advertising and marketing and my humor all conspired.

Gaige · 08-30-2014, 05:26 PM

Why don't you let your hair grow out? I get this once every year.

imperfect_cupcake · 08-30-2014, 09:43 PM

The one I constantly hear around adoption is "have you met your real mom?"
ugh. jesus.
my answer is usually
"actually my mom who raised me is my *real* mom. I think you mean my birth mom"

JDeere · 08-30-2014, 09:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

The one I constantly hear around adoption is "have you met your real mom?"
ugh. jesus.
my answer is usually
"actually my mom who raised me is my *real* mom. I think you mean my birth mom"

I hear that on a daily basis from certain people who I come across, in online groups as well!

08-26-2014, 09:31 PM	#1
JDeere Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Transgender Preferred Pronoun?: He/him/his Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 17,752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 31,018 Thanked 28,835 Times in 9,708 Posts Rep Power: 21474865	Another question I have been asked that I am, as an adult, learning to deal with. Are you adopted? My answer is yes, I am adopted but hearing the same mundane stuff spew, from other people's mouth's, really hurts. __________________ Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein

08-27-2014, 07:03 AM	#2
Femmadian Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: Isla Nublar Posts: 385 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,296 Thanked 2,400 Times in 362 Posts Rep Power: 21474848	"How many children do you have?" "When are you going to have children?" "Why don't you want children?" "Don't you think you'll regret it later?" "Don't you think you're being a bit selfish?" As I get older, the questions get more intense and accusatory. They come from family, co-workers, acquaintances, prospective (but quickly eliminated) romantic interests, and once-upon-a-time friends. I tend to employ a three-strikes-you're-out rule with people who do this. If you still can't get it (or refuse to accept it) after three separate instances of having it explained to you, then you are the weakest link. Goodbye! A person's reasons for wanting or not wanting, having or not having children are incredibly personal and intimate and not up for debate... and they're not a comment on someone else's decision to do the opposite of what they've chosen (or had chosen for them) for themselves (see: some omnivores' hostility to vegetarians/vegans). I have no problem with people who have children. Some of my best friends have children (no, really )! I just don't want that life for myself. Men don't seem to get this same shaming and pressure when it comes to this choice and so it raises feminist alarm bells for me when someone refuses to respect it. Interestingly, the most relentless badgering I get (other than from conservative men) tends to be from older women whose children are more or less grown up and/or self-sufficient, middle class women with careers who are able to take time off when their children are young, or women who haven't had children yet but want them. You know who never badgers me about my choice? Young working class women who are in the thick of it all... I see them struggling to find affordable childcare, be present for their children while making sound financial choices, balance the needs and responsibilities of a partner (if they have one), trying to claw their way up in often precarious, low-wage work, all while trying to maintain their sanity and some semblance of self. They don't seem to be under the illusion at that very moment that parenting is an easy gig or something that should be done for the hell of it. In fact, they are often the biggest supporters of, essentially, what is this woman's right to choose. Funny, that. And you know what? If I ever do get the urge to hear the pitter patter of little feet, there's always: __________________

08-27-2014, 08:43 AM	#4
Aryon Member How Do You Identify?: Butch female Preferred Pronoun?: Hy, Hym, Hys Relationship Status: I know her heartsong and she, mine Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: England Posts: 155 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 117 Thanked 359 Times in 98 Posts Rep Power: 4153374	For me, it isn't a question ... it is one of several statements. If I mention that I am a two-time cancer survivor, it is the "Oh, I am so sorry", or the "Wow, you are so brave", or the "you're a fighter" ... I do not want people to be sorry for me because I had cancer. I would rather that see it through my eyes. Every day is a celebration of life. Yes, I had cancer, but I am alive! I am not brave. I just feel like I did what anyone else would do. I made a decision that I was not going to let cancer defeat me. That I had a lot of reasons to live. I am not a fighter. I put up with the treatments as long as I could because that is what I needed to do. I give thanks for every day. Life is too short to allow drama and negativity to rule your life. I pay it forward for being a survivor by making others aware. If I can make one person go get checked then I have come one step closer to showing how grateful I am to be alive. __________________ "To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten it." "Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away." My Pictures: https://picasaweb.google.com/115942843945062331510 My Blog: http://christhebutch.wordpress.com

08-30-2014, 03:48 PM	#5
BestButchBoy Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Male ID Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 3,925 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 406 Thanked 5,438 Times in 2,037 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I Just Couldn't Resist…. Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? My affinity for advertising and marketing and my humor all conspired.

08-27-2014, 07:14 AM	#3
Daktari Guest Tournaments Won: 1 Posts: n/a My Photo Gallery	"But you are a 'lady' really aren't you?" "What do you do for a living?"

08-30-2014, 05:26 PM	#6
Gaige Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Butch Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: above my boots Posts: 2,097 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,649 Thanked 3,755 Times in 1,171 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Why don't you let your hair grow out? I get this once every year.

08-30-2014, 09:43 PM	#7
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,710 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	The one I constantly hear around adoption is "have you met your real mom?" ugh. jesus. my answer is usually "actually my mom who raised me is my real mom. I think you mean my birth mom"