About Butches Q & A

[randrum]

Originally Posted by bicentennialjenn

thanks for your insight... the endorphins part makes sense. she said she had zero thoughts about women before me. she's mid 20s and looks/acts butch. can't see why she'd lie but i still can't help but wonder. guess it shouldn't matter. and i did joke w/her about being so good in bed... she denies it lol

I'm in my late 20s. And while I've never dated men, I was sort of a "late bloomer" (relatively speaking). I figured out I was different pretty young, but never knew how to classify it. I didn't have my first kiss, with anyone, until I was 19. Didn't officially come out until I was 21. And only recently started identifying as butch.

That being said, I knew instantly that being with a woman was right for me. Now, I had thought about women before. But never acted on my thoughts until my first girlfriend and it just clicked right away.

Some people just are more sexually assertive. Personally, I expected to be shy at first, especially with my more experienced first girlfriend. But I found I'm a natural top and it just came easier. Maybe your girlfriend is the same way.

My other thought is that it's easier for your girlfriend to be in control of the situation. Some times its hard to put yourself in a vulnerable position, such as letting someone go down on you. If she controls the situation, she can set the pace and make sure things progress in a way she's comfortable. Now, I don't know if that's really the answer, just another thought about what may be happening.

[randrum]

I haven't been on this site very long. A week maybe? And I have found a lot of good stuff. And met some cool people, even made some friends. But last night in chat I had a mini freak out moment.

I was asked if I identified as male or female. I answered both, either. But internally I was sort of freaking out. Needless to say I fled a few minutes later, which I'm not overly proud of. But the answer to the question is I don't know.

I've always identified as female. I mean, I was born female, raised female, even was forced into many dresses as a kid. But I was also a huge tomboy. And I had kids make fun of me for being boyish. Even as an adult I get looks and comments.

When I came out, I had a group of all gay friends who were really supportive and proud of being gay. But I realize now they were really narrow minded. They didn't have room in their view of sexual/gender identity for anything besides gay and lesbian. Butch was not something that was accepted. And I sort of went along with it, because I didn't know any better or had the courage/self-confidence to go against the group.

But after college and losing touch with that group, my view of myself started to evolve. And I learned to start being comfortable in my own skin. So I started to shop for clothes in the men's department and wear male cologne because I like the smell on me.

The last couple years have been eye opening. And I can finally admit that yes, I am butch. But at this point, I don't know much more than that. Or even what it means completely to me. So yes, I've always identified as female. But maybe I would be okay identifying as male. I mean, I have only recently started packing on occasion and it feels completely natural and, well, me. So why wouldn't identifying as male too?

I know that I am over generalizing things. Because gender identity is anything but black and white. And as I am learning it's a deeply personal, continually evolving dynamic. My mini freak out isn't a bad thing, it's a learning thing. A growing moment.

I still have a ways to go in figuring out myself. But I don't have to do it immediately. The one thing I do know is that I've found the right place to help me through the process. All the different threads I've read, stories from all of you, have been so helpful. And informative. So thanks for sharing.

[DapperButch]

randrum,

Don't forget that sex and gender are not the same thing. There are butches who identify as female (sex), but not as a woman (gender). Butch is also a gender.

Additionally, many do not see sex (male/female) as binary and instead see it as on a continuum. Genderqueer people, for example see themselves as somewhere in the middle (or they see themselves as both). There are gender neutral people, genderfluid people, etc.

I am just suggesting that you don't jump to male from female. There is lots inbetween. Don't stress yourself out about it. Do some research on gender theory.

I identify as stone, butch, and as transgender (not transsexual). I use male pronouns, but I am also ok with "hy". I am closer to male on the gender/sex continuum and have had male top surgery. Professionally, I live as female, but outside of work I usually "pass" for male and prefer to be related to as a male by the public. I use the men's restroom. See? Gender is fluid and fun! ha! Don't box yourself in!

I have never been to our chat, but I assume people are asking because they want to know which pronoun you would like used. You can either tell them you just want your name used, or choose a pronoun.

Last thing. There are a lot of female identified butches (plus butches who identify as both a female and as a woman), who are more masculine than male identified butches. Additionally, there are a lot of female identified butches who pack. Don't let the traditional societal way of thinking about gender get in your way.

Enjoy the gender journey!

[SleepyButch]

I have always identified as a female (sex) butch but that is because I do not see myself as male (sex). I have all of my female parts and even if I don't necessary want to think of them as female, I don't want to change them either (although I did have a breast reduction years ago because what I had just didn't feel right). I strap. It's a natural extension of who I am when I do. I consider myself to be a really masculine dude!

When it comes to family or friends who don't know what Butch/Femme is, I am always she. I get called lady, woman, girl and sometimes sir, guy, etc by strangers depending on who it is and where I am.

When it comes to being in the Butch/Femme world that I prefer to live in, I use male pronouns, he, him, etc because it's an expression of my masculinity, it feels right, and I like it. I have no problem with hy/hym either.


When a femme asks me how I identify, it makes me swoon a little bit because I know that this is a person who gets it and cares enough to ask.


Anyway, I think we are all always evolving in one way or another. I know I am. Maybe at this point in your life it's okay to say that you are still trying to figure things out. Nothing wrong with that and people will respect you for it.

[TruTexan]

Hey Randrum,
It's ok to not know exactly how you ID in all ways. It's ok to just be where you are. It's ok to have a mini freak out, it's ok to not know all the answers to the questions people ask. It's ok to just say hey, I'm finding my way and I don't know right now. Hang in there, you'll find your way. And just so you know, there's a lot of us here that have gone through that in life as well, if you need questions answered, just please ask, someone will gladly repsond to you .....maybe even a bunch of us will.

Hugs to you younger brother, you belong right here with this family if you so choose to remain being part of us. Don't let any of the questions people may ask, run you off, ok.

[Jess]

Aloha Randrum! (that's the Hawaiian greeting )

Howdy! (that's the greeting from my home in VA!)

I only had a chance meet and welcome you very briefly in chat, so wanted to take a moment and say it again here.

WELCOME!

I only wish I was your age when I found a place like this! I was very young (read: 3/4) when I realized that I was a "girl"... because I was missing parts my Dad had. It was very confusing. I was in the 4th grade when I had my first "girlfriend" (a memory that was repressed/forgotten until I gained recall in therapy years later) and I was a junior in high school when I fell in love for the first time and realized I was clearly gay/lesbian/queer. It wasn't until I was 38 that I began truly learning about the gender binary, the difference(s) between gender/sexual orientation, the butch-femme dynamic. Trust me when I say, that was way too many years of self questioning/doubts/fears. This site and another similar were a Godsend to me in learning more about myself.

I spent most of my life (and to varying degrees still do) trying to make "ME" make sense. My body and my soul/spirit/gender do not align. I never had to label myself until joining these sites, because frankly, I had never been asked...LOL

Being asked a question about yourself for the first time does often cause a "mini- freak out" because having never been asked, there is no certain/pat answer that just rolls out naturally (unless you are one of the fortunate who has never had to examine your gender/orientation, etc.) It forces you to actually "think" about how to answer and opens the window for self examination/exploration/education.

Before entering this community (the B/F community, I mean), self ID/labelling was a non-issue. In the world of flesh, I formed opinions (sometimes wrong/sometimes correct) based on how I viewed people and by how they present themselves to me. It never entered my mind that people had options as to gender identification and what a gift it was to learn that we DO!

I think you were very much correct and perfectly clear in this:

"Because gender identity is anything but black and white. And as I am learning it's a deeply personal, continually evolving dynamic. My mini freak out isn't a bad thing, it's a learning thing. A growing moment.

I still have a ways to go in figuring out myself. But I don't have to do it immediately. The one thing I do know is that I've found the right place to help me through the process."

I am always thrilled to see young persons enter this community! (not underage, mind you as this site is clearly dedicated to adults...lol) I love that you have the opportunity to speak openly with so many people of such vast differences along the gender spectrum! I am so happy that however you found us, you DID! Too many people for too many years have had to struggle alone in their search of self understanding and acceptance, especially people inclined to be somewhere in the grey areas of the spectrum and not on the more easily defined and broadly accepted "ends" of it. By "end" I mean, clearly and consistently Male or Female and aligned with the societal definitions of those terms. Gosh, it would have been SO much easier to just have been born one or the other...LOL I'm not sure, however, that I would have been the same "ME" that I have come to actually love.

Dapper, Sleepy and TruTexan all offered wonderful words of encouragement and I agree with all of their sentiment! Take time with your journey and enjoy the discovery! Echoing all of these generous souls...

Do not rush into any ID or feel pressured to "pick" one...lol

Post questions and concerns or just plain curiosities on threads where you think you may find good conversation about your queeries... If you can't find a thread that sounds like it may deal with your questions/thoughts, start one!!

Definitely bring up questions in chat! A lot of us regulars are older than you and while sometimes we may not use the same vernacular (read: we may talk "old people"... heh ), we definitely care and will be welcome hearing your story and sharing our own experiences.

The most important resonance that all three of the previous responders to your post shared:

ENJOY!!!

The process of discovery, while at times difficult and sometimes painful when walked alone can be a joyous freeing adventure when shared with kindred.

I am glad you found us! Your energy is sacred as is all who come honestly in seeking community. Thank you for adding to ours!

Mahalo! Thank you and best wishes!










Jess

[imperfect_cupcake]

And you can also answer "actually Prefer to think of myself as a cross between a shrub and trout, but you can call me Nevil." If you a) don't think it's any of their business or b) don't want to answer a private question like that in a public space.