Bed Side Preference and Dominance

[The_Lady_Snow]

I'm not sure how being a butch, Transguy or FTM fits this bed behavior.. I've not had someone tell me that because they are xyz I gotta sleep in the submissive side of the bed, I'd laugh and would have to remind whomever that I'm WAYYYYY stronger (cause I normally am) than anyone...

How did you come up with those statistics? I'm curious...

This whole bed thing is interesting, cause the bed is for sleeping, fucking and I've yet to equate it to my hood, safety, or Dominance..

Unless... Bullets are flying then furniture placement is important, but hell even then bullets pierce walls, ain't no Dominance in the world that's going to stop a bullet without someone getting hurt or killed..

[TruTexan]

For ME and ME ONLY, it's because of my up bringing, it's natural thing for me to sleep on the side of the bed nearest the door. I don't like anyone coming into my personal room without being invited. Yes, there are a lot of break-ins in the US and I"m sorta fearful of that. Whether I'm partnered or not, I still sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door, I can hear better towards the rest of my apt. I sleep with my door open as well. When I had my dog for 12 yrs, he slept in the door way of my bedroom and the living room which was nearest the front door. FOR ME, it's become a security thing since I was a child. I'm a natural caretaker, and I would feel better knowing that I'm closest to the door incase someone did come in uninvited. I had that happen when I was 18 and living on my own in an apt. The neighbor downstairs , a young woman, was intruded upon during sleep and was raped. The rapist came back to our apts and broke into my apt front door by removing the slatted window glass on my door. I met him coming into my bedroom, standing behind the door holding a bat in my hands, waited for him to step into my room and bam, I beat the hell outta that guy with my bat. Then when he was unconscious, I called the police, and they arrested him for breaking and entering on my apt. They later called in the young woman downstairs to a line-up to see if she could ID him as her rapist...........She did. She wasn't home the night my apt. was broken into, but I'm sure that guy had a headache the size of Texas when I finally stopped beating his ass.
There is for ME , a huge reason I stay in protected mode most of the time, it has to do with how I was treated as a child and teenager growing up. Abuse is that very reason. So, because of that, I still live in protected mode and can't stand to NOT know my surroundings at all times. I know it's not everyone that sleeps near the door that has MY reasons, each of us has our own reasons. Just because you asked a few friends where you've lived that said no, doesn't mean there aren't others in London and other places you've lived that wouldn't say Yes. I don't know what it has to do with Dominance , it doesn't for me. It's just a protective thing.

My brand of dominance says fuck sleeping nearest the door I'm putting my personal, skin covered draft excluder between me and the door, maybe at the door!

[Femmadian]

With all due respect, I think it's particularly cold to
1) Make fun of people for not feeling safe in their community and
2) Make fun of them for the ways they choose to protect themselves and the people they love

Obviously, as Gemme said, people's reactions to this will be coloured by their own personal experiences and different people just react differently to the same situations. If you don't feel the need to protect yourself like they do, fine, but have a little respect.

I don't think it's wholly an American thing. I know several couples, both same and opposite sex ones, in my Canadian neck of the woods who sleep in a certain position or proximity to the door in order to protect the ones important to them should the need arise. As far as I know, for them it has nothing to do with sexual dominance. While some of it does seem to fall on traditional gender or sex roles, I think a lot of it just has to do with one person recognizing that they're bigger, stronger, whatever and better able to fight off a would-be attacker than the person beside them. My mother did this with me when she was a single mother and we shared a bed. I did the same for my younger sister when my mother worked nights and it was my place to be the responsible, protective one. It doesn't mean that the protective person looks down on the other person or is acting out some macho role playing. In my experience, it just means that a desire to protect those who are important to you or not as physically strong as you (which is not in and of itself a value judgment and not something I believe needs to be skewered).

Furthermore, one thing I think people are perhaps overlooking is that not everyone has faith in their local police force. Many of us, through personal experience, have come to realize that the police in our communities cannot be relied upon and are often the aggressors, not the saviours the culture would sometimes have us believe. Just in my local community, an officer was recently given his job back after being charged with abuse of resources, assault, false arrest, and threatening to personally decapitate someone he thought was involved in a break-in at his house. I have had friends who have been dismissed and even laughed at when the police thought they were out of earshot when they came to report their rapes. I know people personally who have been beaten so badly by rogue police officers that they were hospitalized with broken bones and concussions. We have the highest rape rate and the lowest conviction rate in the country and the police response to peaceful protestors in a neighbouring community was so abhorrent it made international news and was even shown on Democracy Now.

Do I trust them to protect me if I need them in that environment? Fuck no.

Your backyard is not my backyard.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Ok. I guess I just don't know of anyone - cause I asked my mates in big cities and mega cities, where all the high frequency of crime is - and they said no, it doesn't even occur to them that after locking up for the night they might need to protect or be protected or protect themselves in their homes.

Since I didn't ask any americans in mega cities, i provisionally passed this off as just an American thing, a cultural trait. People tease me about canuck stuff, I laugh and I know it's not meant to be cruel at all.

Perhaps it's my sense of humour. I was teasing. Not "mocking cruelly". Perhaps that didn't come through for some people.

I assumed because of the gun culture, that was the reason or something. Who knows. I don't get it. I haven't. Met anyone in large urban places (or the few tiny towns I've lives in) that feels that way. I just assumed it was an American cultural thing to do with property or something. Yep, two people have come into my space. Once as kid - a Gorky teen from down the block and my mom got up and told him to get the fuck home and she was calling his mother. And the other when I lived in a drug heavy couple of blocks in vancouver, a guy came through the window armed with a 2x4 and we (two girls and a guy) all lept on him and got the plank off him while another bloke called the cops.

He was off his tits on something, so not exactly a movie style us home invasion of creepy dude with full weaponry and us having a panic room. Yes, I do think that kind of mentality is bizarre. Sorry, but I do. But then I don't live in the states so I'm not surrounded by it all the time. Anyway, plank taken away from dude and he was sat on till cops came. We didn't hurt him, there was no need for that kind of stuff. His was high as a fart is all.

I have had friends in London hear someone jiggling about outside but opening the window and yelling "OI PISS OFF" did the trick. There are oodles of break ins in London. It's *London* ffs. The cops don't have time to show up for robberies.

People who break into houses don't actually want to be there when you are there, they certainly don't want to risk waking you up by going into your bedroom (I knew people who did B&E in my late teens and they case your house for when you *arent* there) And you are *way*,waymore likely to get raped by someone you know.

So I figured maybe it was an American thing for so many people to feel the need to be protected in bed/protect in bed, rather than a one or two off from bad experience.

If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. If it's a private and personal thing, sure. Get it. But if a whole group of people feel it, then it's not a private personal thing anymore. It's cultural and I don't get it. That's all I'm saying. If it makes you happy. Have at it. Not saying anyone is a bad person. Just think it's odd. I have been teased about my cultural traits all the time. When you are a foreigner, that rather happens several times a day lol. It's not meant in harm or cruelty.

No worries. Back to your regularly programmed bed thread.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Femmadian

Furthermore, one thing I think people are perhaps overlooking is that not everyone has faith in their local police force. Many of us, through personal experience, have come to realize that the police in our communities cannot be relied upon and are often the aggressors, not the saviours the culture would sometimes have us believe. Just in my local community, an officer was recently given his job back after being charged with abuse of resources, assault, false arrest, and threatening to personally decapitate someone he thought was involved in a break-in at his house. I have had friends who have been dismissed and even laughed at when the police thought they were out of earshot when they came to report their rapes. I know people personally who have been beaten so badly by rogue police officers that they were hospitalized with broken bones and concussions. We have the highest rape rate and the lowest conviction rate in the country and the police response to peaceful protestors in a neighbouring community was so abhorrent it made international news and was even shown on Democracy Now.

Do I trust them to protect me if I need them in that environment? Fuck no.

Your backyard is not my backyard.

I think it all depends where you live when it comes to police responding to *emergency calls*.. If you look at let's say where I live.. You go 1/4 mile up and you are in the neighborhood that when they dial 911 they will get quick response, people may say that's not true but in reality it is...

If you go half mile to the left, the police are cruising, looking to arrest someone, and sharking around and if something does happen that needs law enforcement, you are gonna wait...

Drive 20 minutes south and you got the beach, QUICK police response, very well policed neighborhoods, rare break in, so if you are living in the hood, where violence is part of everyday life I can see how EVERYONE is going to be protective of anyone in any room.. Protective stances are not gender oriented nor are they Dominant/submissive traits.

That's where the confusion is for some here (including myself) cause frankly Dominance is a trait and I thought it had zero to do with, where I slept in a bed cause either way someone breaks in they gotta go through dogs, me, and a whole other mess of obstacles before even reaching *my side* of the bed...

[Jess]

Aloha Y'all

I have to admit that when I first saw the title of this thread, my initial reaction was...

REALLY?!?!

Personally, my dominance is more reflected during what we "do" in bed as opposed to what side I sleep on. The responses here made me think, however, that there are often more considerations we make in even such simple things as "what side of the bed we sleep on". I generally sleep on the right and there is a list of reasons, primarily stemming from physical issues/needs and even those change over time.

I am willing to negotiate just about everything in my relationship except hard limit/deal breaker issues. The side of the bed isn't one of those...lol

I have fibro (among other issues) that often make me a less than sound sleeper (read: I move/roll around in bed a lot as I have to shift because I hurt). I sometimes snore. More often than not, I emit a pretty impressive amount of body heat (I have had partners who actually move as far away as they can after I am asleep and the furnace kicks in). I sometimes suffer insomnia and/or burning brain that won't turn off, so I fidget even more.

That being said, I am just grateful to be able to sleep in the bed with my lady as opposed to being sent to the couch...(LOL) which actually I have done myself in order to allow my mate to be able to get ample rest.

While I see no relevance in the notion of one side being an obvious choice for Dominant persons, this thread has sparked a few thoughts and I may return to expand on some. (I forget sometimes to get back to a thread, so.. not a promise or declaration.. just a maybe

Thanks for the brain candy MB.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Lol I guess when I heard the hypothesis put forward I thought, huh, interesting hypothesis. Wonder if it sticks. I didn't really put more in it than that and I like questions that have to do with behavioural hypothesis. I studied monkeys! I did environmental behaviouralism. I did cultural studies and got a degree in it so my brain asks the same generalist questions.

Why do groups of people/primates do X? Is it because of Y? Let's investigate and find out.
By doing that I found some amazing behaviour in male red mantled howlers that had never been seen before, in a species that had been studied for decades. Null hypothesis, or "nope, not it" is as valuable as a positive. So I saw the question as an interesting question.

To actually go into the "why" of why a question was asked and the background of the researcher is called "reflexivity." And MB stated their bias research straight off. Which is quite a good thing when proposing a research question.

My question observation was similar and ment in a similar fashion, with pissing about. Because I'm a smart ass humour type person.

It's been an interesting read.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Lol I guess when I heard the hypothesis put forward I thought, huh, interesting hypothesis. Wonder if it sticks. I didn't really put more in it than that and I like questions that have to do with behavioural hypothesis. I studied monkeys! I did environmental behaviouralism. I did cultural studies and got a degree in it so my brain asks the same generalist questions.

Why do groups of people/primates do X? Is it because of Y? Let's investigate and find out.
By doing that I found some amazing behaviour in male red mantled howlers that had never been seen before, in a species that had been studied for decades. Null hypothesis, or "nope, not it" is as valuable as a positive. So I saw the question as an interesting question.

To actually go into the "why" of why a question was asked and the background of the researcher is called "reflexivity." And MB stated their bias research straight off. Which is quite a good thing when proposing a research question.

My question observation was similar and ment in a similar fashion, with pissing about. Because I'm a smart ass humour type person.

It's been an interesting read.

I find this kind of thing very interesting. I'm always trying to understand cultural behavior, how something differs from one place to another. Like how misogyny wears different disguises depending on what country or culture you are looking at. I find it fascinating how different things are culturally here in Montreal than they were in Boston. Everything from driving etiquette (pedestrians have the right of way in Boston, other drivers are cut a lot of slack here in Montreal) to how xenophobia and prejudice against minorities looks from one place to the other. The most fun part for me is the speculation as to why it's different. The driving differences are easy to figure. Amongst other reasons things come up on the road by surprise here in Montreal. There are a lot less warning signs here than in the states. not so much hand holding. So drivers tend to cut each other lots of slack. Coming up with an hypothesis for the difference in how prejudice plays out differently one place from another is more complicated.

I know the safety thing is different here. Whenever we talk about buying a house in some deeply wooded area with no houses for miles or even going hiking/camping for an extended time on some trail through the mountains I always mention how I need to have a gun. My wife always looked both pained and puzzled when I say this. She does not have the same degree of fear for our safety that I have. Granted the word hypervigilant has come up in regards to my behavior by a variety of people over the years, and my life experiences growing up and as a young adult has nurtured this need to protect myself and those I love so I might be a bit of a caricature of American culture regarding safety issues. I truly believe my safety is always at risk. I have gotten better over the past 12 years that I have lived in Montreal with my wife, but it's still there. I honestly don't understand how anyone could not want some way to protect themselves and the people they love. I don't own a gun here. Nobody I know does. This is quite different from where I lived in the US. But I still plan how I will protect my wife and myself from attack. I wish I could say I believe it's overkill. I can understand that the other people in my life do think it is. They pretty much figure it's a quirk of mine, probably because I'm American. Maybe it is. Maybe it's a mixture of growing up in a culture where we are told on a daily basis how unsafe we are and experiencing first hand how unsafe I was. Those two things are a pretty potent combination. I know it fucked my head up. I don't know if it really is as dangerous a world as I think or not. Hopefully not. But either way I always enjoy analyzing things, taking it apart, examining it from every possible angle. To me it isn't about right or wrong, fault or blame, should or shouldn't, it's really just about the WHYs of things. Exploring why things are the way they are is really fun and also important to me.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Miss Tick

I find this kind of thing very interesting. I'm always trying to understand cultural behavior, how something differs from one place to another. Like how misogyny wears different disguises depending on what country or culture you are looking at. I find it fascinating how different things are culturally here in Montreal than they were in Boston. Everything from driving etiquette (pedestrians have the right of way in Boston, other drivers are cut a lot of slack here in Montreal) to how xenophobia and prejudice against minorities looks from one place to the other. The most fun part for me is the speculation as to why it's different. The driving differences are easy to figure. Amongst other reasons things come up on the road by surprise here in Montreal. There are a lot less warning signs here than in the states. not so much hand holding. So drivers tend to cut each other lots of slack. Coming up with an hypothesis for the difference in how prejudice plays out differently one place from another is more complicated.

I know the safety thing is different here. Whenever we talk about buying a house in some deeply wooded area with no houses for miles or even going hiking/camping for an extended time on some trail through the mountains I always mention how I need to have a gun. My wife always looked both pained and puzzled when I say this. She does not have the same degree of fear for our safety that I have. Granted the word hypervigilant has come up in regards to my behavior by a variety of people over the years, and my life experiences growing up and as a young adult has nurtured this need to protect myself and those I love so I might be a bit of a caricature of American culture regarding safety issues. I truly believe my safety is always at risk. I have gotten better over the past 12 years that I have lived in Montreal with my wife, but it's still there. I honestly don't understand how anyone could not want some way to protect themselves and the people they love. I don't own a gun here. Nobody I know does. This is quite different from where I lived in the US. But I still plan how I will protect my wife and myself from attack. I wish I could say I believe it's overkill. I can understand that the other people in my life do think it is. They pretty much figure it's a quirk of mine, probably because I'm American. Maybe it is. Maybe it's a mixture of growing up in a culture where we are told on a daily basis how unsafe we are and experiencing first hand how unsafe I was. Those two things are a pretty potent combination. I know it fucked my head up. I don't know if it really is as dangerous a world as I think or not. Hopefully not. But either way I always enjoy analyzing things, taking it apart, examining it from every possible angle. To me it isn't about right or wrong, fault or blame, should or shouldn't, it's really just about the WHYs of things. Exploring why things are the way they are is really fun and also important to me.

What an excellent and fascinating post. Thank you. I have to admit, even though I am rarely moved to when I read people posts, I do share you wife's "pain and puzzlement" (though to a much smaller degree, as I don't know you) but I did want to give you a ridiculous hug when I read "But I still plan how I will protect my wife and myself from attack" because in my brain that must be a hard way to live in your head, though I'm sure it isn't. It's possibly even mildly stimulating to figure out the best way to do X.

My brain, when I read that statement, goes "click click click" like an abacus and comes up with 1) personal experience combined with b) cultural back ground c) levels of personality that are just naturally suspicious (that's not a negative or positive btw) d) enjoys planning and coming up with mechanisms of execution for a variety variables therein. If you were having a cup of espresso with me I'd probably start asking you directed question to see if I was right or wrong and adjust as I went along. People are fascinating. And very enjoyable. That that you have questioned the reasons behind your desires and thoughts in both a personable and abstract way, makes me want to cover you in gold stickers lol.

You "get" it. The "whys" are absolutely fascinating, aren't they? And the theories and fun head games to figure out. It does make me fall in love with the universe, every time.

I can no more help this urge to constantly want to "why" about pretty much everything than people can help other basic personality traits and I know it drives others batshit at times. My dad said it found it challenging (I actually called him at 10pm last night to ask him about a couple of points on entanglement theory because I needed to understand something). Without this constant curiosity, I turn grey and droop. Horribly. It's why when I was much younger my brain used to chew on itself and drive me bananas. I thought I was nuts. No, I learned I am just very restless with needing to pick things apart and understand. Like some people need and love to take things apart physically to understand it - phones, cars, coffee makers, switches, computer codes - I do it abstractly and theoretically.

But I am relieved to hear from someone that has experienced a few different sides of a trait or perception. Coming home after 10 years I can see traits in the populace here I didn't know we're here before. And if I mention them, it is *mind boggling* how upset and defensive people can get to an observation that I am not passing judgement on. Just observing. And mentioning. It may be I find it bizarre and difficult to work with, but I don't judge someone as good or bad because of a cultural trait to a locality. It can just be frustrating to learn a way to work around it. Or with it.

It's a massive gift to be able to see where I came from with very different eyes. I can see my culture with outsider eyes. And it's stunning, weird, scary, fascinating, disturbing, funny and occasionally highly irritating.

What you've written is a fabulous snap shot. Thank you!

And people keep telling me I need to move to Montreal, it would suit me better, personality wise. I've only been once and I had an amazing time.


Oh! PS. Of course I want to protect people I love. I can be extremely fierce when I feel threatened or afraid for their safety. It's just I rarely feel threatened. I rarely feel unsafe in that way. I am also extremely confident that I, and they, will be able to handle whatever unforeseen event might happen. I just don't feel the worry. I *have* been very threatened. And hurt. I grew up being tortured by a psychopathic brother that I was left in care of. I was raped quite a few times by quite a few people. But all the hurt and pain suffered, all of the threats and damages has never come from the unknown or the stranger or the boogie man in the bush. The delivery of pain and suffering and damage has always been from people I knew and trusted.

The majority of attacks against my person that have done physical and lasting damage have come not from someone breaking into my home and hurting me in my bed, but from the person already sleeping next to me.

And I know police data gathered about rape, assault and murder of women, only something like 4% comes from a stranger. The boogieman isn't in the bush or outside my window. The boogieman is most often sleeping next to me.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I'm not sure how being a butch, Transguy or FTM fits this bed behavior.. I've not had someone tell me that because they are xyz I gotta sleep in the submissive side of the bed, I'd laugh and would have to remind whomever that I'm WAYYYYY stronger (cause I normally am) than anyone...

How did you come up with those statistics? I'm curious...

This whole bed thing is interesting, cause the bed is for sleeping, fucking and I've yet to equate it to my hood, safety, or Dominance..

Unless... Bullets are flying then furniture placement is important, but hell even then bullets pierce walls, ain't no Dominance in the world that's going to stop a bullet without someone getting hurt or killed..

Hey, Snow!

I'm guessing that this is directed towards my post.

First, I never said that whomever sleeps on the opposite side or farthest from the door is weak or femme or anything. I know that's kind of the point that was brought up earlier but I didn't make reference to that. I was directing my post to WHY someone might feel the need to be the one to sleep closest to the door. I wasn't even talking about the person who chose or was given the other side of the bed.

I also didn't post any statistics, so maybe that part's not for me?

My overall point was that it's not just one thing and it's not always a conscious decision. I was looking at the 'protective' angle rather than the dominant angle. Anyone can be dominant anywhere, in or out of the bedroom.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Hey, Snow!

I'm guessing that this is directed towards my post.

First, I never said that whomever sleeps on the opposite side or farthest from the door is weak or femme or anything. I know that's kind of the point that was brought up earlier but I didn't make reference to that. I was directing my post to WHY someone might feel the need to be the one to sleep closest to the door. I wasn't even talking about the person who chose or was given the other side of the bed.

I also didn't post any statistics, so maybe that part's not for me?

My overall point was that it's not just one thing and it's not always a conscious decision. I was looking at the 'protective' angle rather than the dominant angle. Anyone can be dominant anywhere, in or out of the bedroom.

Hey Gemme!!

I was wondering about your example of how we have to step up for our partners and how that came into the whole side of the bed thing, now that I read you I see and am clear you were coming from the *protective* angle which can literally apply to anyone be they FTM or Femme..

I'd like to clarify that I never implied *YOU* said anything that had to do with how women get portrayed as weak, I should of been more clear. I am lumping so much into one post on a phone that it may not be clear, it has been an interest read on how people choose to sleep in a bed, as for protective mode, well even I get that, as a woman walking the world dealing with people crossing personal boundaries is constant, I'm glad though that when I get home and want to sleep, how and where doesn't cross my mind I just go to sleep cause it's my space and I am pretty secure in it and it's perimeters even when there's a gun shot or two..

Thank you for taking the time to dialogue

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Hey Gemme!!

I was wondering about your example of how we have to step up for our partners and how that came into the whole side of the bed thing, now that I read you I see and am clear you were coming from the *protective* angle which can literally apply to anyone be they FTM or Femme..

I'd like to clarify that I never implied *YOU* said anything that had to do with how women get portrayed as weak, I should of been more clear. I am lumping so much into one post on a phone that it may not be clear, it has been an interest read on how people choose to sleep in a bed, as for protective mode, well even I get that, as a woman walking the world dealing with people crossing personal boundaries is constant, I'm glad though that when I get home and want to sleep, how and where doesn't cross my mind I just go to sleep cause it's my space and I am pretty secure in it and it's perimeters even when there's a gun shot or two..

Thank you for taking the time to dialogue

I didn't say that we have to step up for our partners. I said oftentimes people will step to our partners...as in get in their face, etc. Basically all the crap that people do to those of us that are visible in the public eye.

Sorry if I didn't make that clear earlier but I'm glad that you were able to understand what I was trying to say.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Fuckin Christ!

I'm going to have to not post via phone, I'm better off waiting for a bigger screen, thanks for the patience Gemme, I appreciate you😊

Originally Posted by Gemme

I didn't say that we have to step up for our partners. I said oftentimes people will step to our partners...as in get in their face, etc. Basically all the crap that people do to those of us that are visible in the public eye.

Sorry if I didn't make that clear earlier but I'm glad that you were able to understand what I was trying to say.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Fuckin Christ!

I'm going to have to not post via phone, I'm better off waiting for a bigger screen, thanks for the patience Gemme, I appreciate you��

This cracked me up.