Long Distance Relationships

[Ginger]

My lover calls what we have a "commuting relationship."

I drive about an hour to spend the night at her house almost every Saturday night. We've only been at this a couple months, since I moved out of her house.

So far, it feels fine to me. Once so far, she has come out to spend the night here, with me, but that can only happen when her sister takes her kid on an overnight. I expect it to happen every couple months.

When we were dating, the six months before I moved in with her, I went out there on a Friday or even Thursday night, and went in to work with her on Monday morning.

Now, I feel too tired on Friday nights, and I need my time on the weekend to do food shopping or laundry or whatever.

I don't feel like it's a hardship at all, to be this far apart. I don't pine or daydream or feel impatient about seeing her. I do feel alone, but it's not about her.

Anyway, I just realized I'm sort of in an LDR, too, and I think it's a good fit for me. I have dinners with friends during the week, or just chill out at home. It's the perfect balance for me.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

My lover calls what we have a "commuting relationship."

I drive about an hour to spend the night at her house almost every Saturday night. We've only been at this a couple months, since I moved out of her house.

So far, it feels fine to me. Once so far, she has come out to spend the night here, with me, but that can only happen when her sister takes her kid on an overnight. I expect it to happen every couple months.

When we were dating, the six months before I moved in with her, I went out there on a Friday or even Thursday night, and went in to work with her on Monday morning.

Now, I feel too tired on Friday nights, and I need my time on the weekend to do food shopping or laundry or whatever.

I don't feel like it's a hardship at all, to be this far apart. I don't pine or daydream or feel impatient about seeing her. I do feel alone, but it's not about her.

Anyway, I just realized I'm sort of in an LDR, too, and I think it's a good fit for me. I have dinners with friends during the week, or just chill out at home. It's the perfect balance for me.

I could easily do this type of LDR. I'm so busy during the week anyhow. I'm dating now and they visit me 3 days a month and longer on holidays. This is because of distance and work. Its 8 hours. If it was only a few hours I'd want to see them every weekend.

[GPS]

i think that LDR work if both parties are involved at the same level. Trust, commitment, friendship. Rare findings in a small little package.

i believe that if you work hard, play nice and enjoy the scenery together that it will all work it self out.

there are times when eye contact is immediate, but on an all in all basis keep your trust level high.

set your goals evenly and love genuinely.

[*Anya*]

My girlfriend lives about 18 miles from me.

It takes about 20-25 minutes to her house (or her to mine).

In the greater LA area, that's what we call living around the block.

I like it.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

No - it's not possible end of story. A relationship can, within certain parameters, be continued via those channels but it's not possible to fall in love over internet / Skype etc. There's a benefit in being grounded.

Can develop great online friendships and, in due course, that could help to build the foundations for "falling in love". Also, very possible to feel a strong connection with someone from online interaction.

However, actually falling in love with someone you haven't met in real life and you haven't looked into their eyes (Skype doesn't count)? No - it sounds like a longing to be in love and wholly unrealistic to me.

i wholeheartedly agree with this. i did the long distance thing before Katrina but there was no way i could have made any sort of commitment until we met. We dated for a long while before the storm and i was displaced. No amount of long distance dating could have prepared me for who she really was. Too much can be hidden over the limited access that is LDR.

i believe it's way too easy for people to just omit the hard stuff while online and all you are left with is honeymoon visits and limited access, which is not real life, IMO

[starryeyes]

I don't mix well with LDR. I need to be with the person I am seeing, go out on dates, watch movies together, snuggle together, etc. I have had one LDR in the past, and knowing this about myself, I realize in retrospect it wasn't fair to the person who was ok with it. I learned alot about myself from this experience.

I live with my partner, now so no issues there. We only lived a few hours apart when we met, so it wasn't too bad. But, we Uhauled (not really, we rented a huge SUV, lol) after being together for about a year, and it's been happily ever after. We even bought a puppy together! Haha

[grenade]

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

For those of you who are/have been in LDR, before you met the person in person, did you fall in love? I guess I'm curious if it's possible to fall in love with someone you met online, have emailed, texted, instant messaged, talked on the phone and skyped with?

Just as possible as my grandparents courting by hand written letter during WWII. They were married till they died. I'm not sure what looking into someone's eyes has to do with falling in love.... magic? What if said person is blind? No magic? No love?

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

I'm confused by what you mean when you say 'you haven't met in real life.' Online/phone/skype are real life. They are just not physically in person. They are all still very much real. If we were discussing meeting someone on an MMORPG and only knowing the character they portray, then yes, I would say you haven't met them in real life. The reason I say they are real is because several years ago I traveled for work. A lot. I was out of the country on business 3 out of every 4 weeks each month. The only way I could have a relationship was through online or phone contact. And I did.

Easily confused or playing semantics I'm not sure which.

However, by real life, I mean experienced some time together in close physical proximity (that doesn't mean sex, just in case you are confused again).

A working relationship is vastly different to an emotional, one-on-one relationship. Your question surely wasn't about maintaining communication? Rather, it was about falling in love. Those attributes are vastly different to functional workplace communication.

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

But I can love someone whom I have not yet had the pleasure of physically meeting.

So can I i.e. I loved my young nephew from the day he was born and I first saw his photo, even if I didn't meet him for some months. However, that's not falling in live.

Originally Posted by GraffitiBoi

But I still maintain that being in love does not rely on being physically present with the person.

That's fine and I agree with this. However, I equally maintain that no one can fall in love, at least not in a healthy manner, with someone they haven't met.

Might be a strong crush or an obsession but I don't see it as love.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by grenade

Just as possible as my grandparents courting by hand written letter during WWII. They were married till they died. I'm not sure what looking into someone's eyes has to do with falling in love.... magic? What if said person is blind? No magic? No love?

Another case of semantics here. By looking in the eyes, I mean sharing close physical proximity and, certainly for those not of limited sight, I do believe that eye contact is important.

Certainly for me, I yet to fall in love with someone I haven't looked in the eyes and, subject to retaining my sight (I understand other senses probably come in to play more if my sight deteriorates), I'd be very surprised if this changes.

As for your grandparents? The discussion here is about falling in love with someone you haven't met. I don't know your grandparents' history but not sure if that applies to your grandparents or not.

[gotoseagrl]

tough subject. i could go on forever about this. i learned the hardest way that i can't spend years only talking about the "whens" and "ifs" without anything really happening. the only way i could do it again and last is if there would be real goals and happenings that come true soon enough, even if they were just short visits, instead of just words and talking empty promises. the bottom line for me is that the efforts have to be mutual. and i believe they are, naturally, when the desires are the same and both people are on the same page. i also believe it depends on different types of people. i am the type who knows that nothing would keep me from the one i loved & i take opportunities more than making excuses. so i dont do well with someone who thinks and behaves differently and would rather spend forever planning the perfect moment for everything ~ even something as essential as meeting face to face the first time. how many consecutive days can you survive telling each other how badly "i wish you were here" before something gives? it is truly bittersweet.

[SleepyButch]

I do not know if I could do another LDR, meaning someone I could not see several times a month at least or had to fly on a plane to see. It's a lot of work both physically and emotionally. I am not saying that it's not worth it with some people or that others shouldn't try doing it. I think if you like/love someone, go for it. I am an advocate for finding love and if that love is a thousand miles away, make it happen. I am just not sure I can do that anymore although rules are always made to be broken I suppose.

As far as falling in love by chatting/texting/skyping/etc... I believe that is possible. It has happened to me before and I cannot say it won't happen again even if I try to make it not happen like that. The heart does what the heart wants. So do I think I can fall in love with you, your personality, your interactions, your mannerisms, your life, your history before I meet the physical you... yes I do. It's those things that keep people in relationships. I know you have to be physically attracted to someone to a point as well but that's what Skype is for if you cannot meet right away.

I will always be supportive of those who want to try LDRs.. but I agree with some of the others in saying that you cannot have broken promises of being together. You have to mean what you say. That's an essential part of what can make it work.

[Deborah]

LDR's now if you had asked me a few years ago I would have said sure anything can be done if you really want it...then if you had asked me again a couple years later I would have said not really a good idea...

but then today after a almost 2 year LDR (10 hours apart) I would say it can be done and it can be done successfully. Of course as with any relationship you have to be compatible and all the usual stuff that goes into a successful relationship. But we are talking specifically LDR's...the number one thing TRUST...pow that is the start. Self confidence and a true relationship with yourself because you are gonna be alone a lot. For us, there had to be the ability to see each other often enough to get to know each other in real time...at least 3-4 days a month sometimes more....a few week to two week visits. And a commitment and agreement that someday someone would relocate. This was a hard one for me in the beginning because I didn't honestly think I could ever leave my home....but I also knew this was going to come down to me or nothing. Once we saw where we were headed and how well things were going and I had enough visits to love where he lives and to make friends the decision was made.

The getting from we enjoy each others company to I want a life with you involves...being REALLY present in the relationship. I think that MTN and Sylvie have the epitome of a working LDR. I marvel at them because they are so far away from each other....but they do all the right things and TIME...getting to know someone takes TRUST, HONESTY, time and commitment.

[DapperButch]

Ciaran,

I have been saying the thing as you for years, and people have always given me shit about it. Love the way you explained it. Spot on.

[grenade]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

Another case of semantics here. By looking in the eyes, I mean sharing close physical proximity and, certainly for those not of limited sight, I do believe that eye contact is important.

Certainly for me, I yet to fall in love with someone I haven't looked in the eyes and, subject to retaining my sight (I understand other senses probably come in to play more if my sight deteriorates), I'd be very surprised if this changes.

As for your grandparents? The discussion here is about falling in love with someone you haven't met. I don't know your grandparents' history but not sure if that applies to your grandparents or not.

it does apply to them. It applies to many I know. My most meaningful relationships have started out as LDR's and YES, before we met face to face.
There is time to talk and truly get to know someone before the physical begins so you can seperate the emotions from the lovin'. It works for me.


I don't understand the way you think/feel about this subject anymore than you do I. I don't think it makes any point more valid. It's personal. Perhaps the difference lies in experiences. I haven't had a bad LDR experience. The people I had these relationships with were the same via interwebs, skype, text, in person. I haven't been duped. *shrugs*

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Ciaran,

I have been saying the thing as you for years, and people have always given me shit about it. Love the way you explained it. Spot on.

That's because we just love to give you shit.

[starryeyes]

I think you can get to know eachother and fall in love to a point, but nothing is solidified *until* you meet the person and establish a in-person relationship. You can only do so much via technology. Having a true intimate relationship will never be 100% until you can actually be in eachothers presence and feel the chemistry, smell the pheromones, touch the person and look into their eyes in real-time.

I'm not saying you can't establish a good foundation, but you definitely can't build the whole house. I still agree with Ciaran.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Ciaran,

I have been saying the thing as you for years, and people have always given me shit about it. Love the way you explained it. Spot on.

Dapper

I think I'm starting to fall in love with you.

Originally Posted by grenade

it does apply to them. It applies to many I know. My most meaningful relationships have started out as LDR's and YES, before we met face to face.
There is time to talk and truly get to know someone before the physical begins so you can seperate the emotions from the lovin'. It works for me.

To me, it's not about sex or physical intimacy in that sense (I'm on record on this site as saying that I generally don't like having sex with those I'm in love with as I detach sex from love) so it's not about separating emotion from physical love, as I invariably do that anyway.


Furthermore, I agree relationships can start out online / remotely etc. However, there's a very stark difference to me between flirting and communicating remotely which can lead to a relationship and actually "falling in love" through this remote interaction.

Originally Posted by grenade

I don't understand the way you think/feel about this subject anymore than you do I. I don't think it makes any point more valid. It's personal. Perhaps the difference lies in experiences. I haven't had a bad LDR experience. The people I had these relationships with were the same via interwebs, skype, text, in person. I haven't been duped. *shrugs*

In my recent posts on this thread, I have not been discussing the pros or otherwise of LDRs and I had some of these in the past (in fact, the lady from my longest-term LDR travels from San Diego in 48 hours to spend Christmas with me here in the British Isles).

Rather, the issue I'm discussing is falling in love before meeting someone and I maintain that it's not grounded. I haven't done this and I'm hopeful that I won't ever as there's a layer of "genuine" that can be missing from solely online or other forms of media communication.

So, no I haven't been duped on line - equally, I won't be falling in love online either. To me it's "falling in love" with an image or shadow, not a person.

It's too easy for people online to portray an image that's different from reality ..... and it's not about physical features but where they live, conditions in which they live, how they really behave (it's easy to be nice on a few skype calls and texts a week, harder in real life when working 24/7 and struggling to pay bills etc).

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

For me I think there is a difference between loving someone and falling in love with someone.
Now have I fallen "in" love with someone that I have never met before I met them oh I am sure I have. Yet, each one I look back on I can pin point pretty much exactly when I fell "in" love with this person and it usually has occurred during a time spent together.

You will never find me bad mouthing LDRs or saying they are not real or possible. I have had to many that prove they are and can be both. I do disagree that it is easy to pretend to be something your not with text, Skype, and phone calls...is it different sure it is different.

Yet, if I only had good contact with someone I would wonder if they were human...everyone has bad days and moments and they come through in online contact. I know for me there is no way I could pretend I was having a good day even for a few min. let alone each and every time I contacted someone especially if something big or stressful happened that day.

I think it is possible history is full of it....yet, I do think there is a difference between being "in" love with someone and loving someone..I do not think that is just semantics either. I know for me I love someone before I fall in love with them. I also know I ask the woman I am with which she is feeling and if she answers with the "in" I do ask when it happened for her. I can also love someone and never fall "in" love with this person.

Just my thoughts....

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

Dapper

I think I'm starting to fall in love with you.

I'm sure that if we skype 6 hours a night for a week or two, you will be certain of it.

[Metro]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

My lover calls what we have a "commuting relationship."

I drive about an hour to spend the night at her house almost every Saturday night.

Many years ago I had a similar arrangement for over a year w/ a GF (now ex) before she moved in w/ me -- it just became too time consuming and costly to maintain two households (and spend time commuting between the two places in an equitable way). While I require ample "me" time, from my own perspective the day-to-day of a local or live-in relationship (and potential for spontaneity and everyday in-person experiences) vastly enriches any relationship. I learned a lot about the shared household dynamic in the years that particular ex and I lived together... Mostly learning that I function best in a relationship when the one I am seriously involved with is nearby so we can resolve differences, relish achievements, or grieve loss face-to-face. Altho I am not completely averse to the idea of a LDR, and have tried a few times to establish one (unsuccessfully), it just may not be the best fit for me. I like the ordinary things like eye contact, holding hands, cuddling, and kissing that having someone nearby affords on a regular basis, too. To each their own.