Abuse Support

[JustLovelyJenn]

There are so many forms of abuse, so many ways that we can suffer, struggle, and need support.

For those who don't know where to turn, or what to do.

[JustLovelyJenn]

I started this thread because I need help... and I didn't see anywhere that I fit.

Two years ago I moved back in with my parents, to get help trying to get on my feet and get my kids back, and be able to build a life for myself. I knew my parents views were different then mine, and that things wouldn't be easy, but it was my best option at the time.

My kids moved in with us, I found a good job, and I'm trying to go back to school... but I have a big problem.

My brother who also lives here is severely emotionally and verbally abusive, my mother enables him, makes excuses for him, and justifies his actions. Things have at times become explosive... and once, he has pushed me to a point of snapping.

I'm guilty of feeding into this. I know I'm part of the problem, when he says something... I can snap back, get defensive... but its hard to have my parenting, my "lifestyle" and every other aspect of my life criticized and demeaned.

Recently, I have been feeling the subtle things from my mother as well, more then I used to... comments about my orientation that I am being selfish to consider living with another woman... about my being a bad mother, or at least by her standards... that my anxiety and depression are stupid or made up.

Over the holiday weekend things went crazy. My folks were out of town and my brother was here alone with me. I was called names I care not to repeat, told I was worthless and forgotten. He screamed at me, got in my face, and scared my children.

When mom got home from her holiday... she told us all (myself and my two brothers that live here) that if we don't learn to get along, shes kicking us out. It became obvious within an hour that this meant for me that if I was called names, accused of things, or talked down to.... I was to say absolutely nothing. I am no longer allowed to stand up for myself. My life is now apparently being run for me... what housework I am to do and when, when to help my kids with homework... etc.

I hate who I am anymore. I can't keep my kids on my own, if I'm not here I don't have them. I feel like I want to leave. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[katsarecool]

Jenn, I am sorry that you are living under these circumstances!!!! So very sorry! I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.

I will say that I applaud you for taking steps to make life better for you and your children. And going back to school is a plus. Shame on your brother for heaping the abuse on you and in affect your children as well.

Perhaps there is a PFLAG close by and perhaps you could invite you and your mother to go to a meeting together? And they have books too on the subject of having a gay child. Mom needs educating it sounds like. Your brothers too but since you are living under her roof she is the one that needs it the most.

Good luck sweetie!!!!

[girl_dee]

Wow Jenn that is quite a load you are carrying. I wish I had an answer for you.

I tell you though, when the shift goes from *life running me* to *me running my own life* great things can happen. Getting you and especially the kids out of a toxic environment is of the upmost important so I hope you get this resolved asap as I know all too well things we experience as a child can linger on through life. Not good as you know.

I wish you all the luck in the world, please keep us updated. Will be thinking about you.

[Gemme]

There is a lot of gray and unspoken/unwritten stuff I feel in your post. Of course, I'm speculating but I'm assuming your parents help you with watching the kids? Is there a Boys and Girls club near you or some other after school type program that you may be able to get your kids into?

I feel for you and your kids and wish I had a solution for you. That environment is pure toxin to them and you and the sooner you all get out, the better. Good luck and be safe.

[JustLovelyJenn]

Yes, there is a lot of unspoken things in my post. This is the first time I have tried to talk about it on this level. My mother does help me with the kids, and my other brother who lives here watches them before and after school.

I can't even express what help just writing all of this down, getting it out of my head to be reread and reviewed has been to me. It has forced me to evaluate the situation, and look at the possibilities.

My mother is for the most part a loving and understanding woman. In a lot of ways that is the problem when it comes to my brother. She loves her children and is afraid that if she is too hard on him he will disappear and never come back home. Shes great with my children, sometimes much better then me because of my anxiety. Really the only things I can fault her for is not understanding me because i am so different from her, and loving my brother too much.

The situation is a difficult one, but I have faith that the fates will show me the best course though this and into the next chapter of my life. Thank you all for listening, and for being there when it is so badly needed.

[chefhottie25]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

I started this thread because I need help... and I didn't see anywhere that I fit.

Two years ago I moved back in with my parents, to get help trying to get on my feet and get my kids back, and be able to build a life for myself. I knew my parents views were different then mine, and that things wouldn't be easy, but it was my best option at the time.

My kids moved in with us, I found a good job, and I'm trying to go back to school... but I have a big problem.

My brother who also lives here is severely emotionally and verbally abusive, my mother enables him, makes excuses for him, and justifies his actions. Things have at times become explosive... and once, he has pushed me to a point of snapping.

I'm guilty of feeding into this. I know I'm part of the problem, when he says something... I can snap back, get defensive... but its hard to have my parenting, my "lifestyle" and every other aspect of my life criticized and demeaned.

Recently, I have been feeling the subtle things from my mother as well, more then I used to... comments about my orientation that I am being selfish to consider living with another woman... about my being a bad mother, or at least by her standards... that my anxiety and depression are stupid or made up.

Over the holiday weekend things went crazy. My folks were out of town and my brother was here alone with me. I was called names I care not to repeat, told I was worthless and forgotten. He screamed at me, got in my face, and scared my children.

When mom got home from her holiday... she told us all (myself and my two brothers that live here) that if we don't learn to get along, shes kicking us out. It became obvious within an hour that this meant for me that if I was called names, accused of things, or talked down to.... I was to say absolutely nothing. I am no longer allowed to stand up for myself. My life is now apparently being run for me... what housework I am to do and when, when to help my kids with homework... etc.

I hate who I am anymore. I can't keep my kids on my own, if I'm not here I don't have them. I feel like I want to leave. I just don't know what to do anymore.

i am sorry that you are going through so much right now. i wish i had some good advice for you. i moved back home after rehab almost 3 years ago. i know how challenging that can be. i made it out alive though and got my own place. hang in there...be strong. i will be sending some positive energy your way.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Jenn, I really am at a loss of what to say to give you comfort. How are you doing? And how are the kids? Did you ever go to PFLAG? Or get the kids enrolled in an after school program?

I came from a severely dysfunctional family, and my parents, mainly my father, was my main tormentor. I can talk for hours about how words hurt, and it is funny that when you don't experience this, you have no clue as to what it is I am even saying. Then those who have experienced this, shake their head yes. It really applies to all forms of abuse - sexual, verbal, physical, and so on and on (all of which I have experienced). I think that is when people choose to cope in different ways. Some drink, take drugs, leave their family/partner/spouse, etc. I just want for you to know that I am here for you as a sounding board/support system. I understand more than you know.

Peace be with you and yours,
Andrew

[JustLovelyJenn]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Jenn, I really am at a loss of what to say to give you comfort. How are you doing? And how are the kids? Did you ever go to PFLAG? Or get the kids enrolled in an after school program?

I came from a severely dysfunctional family, and my parents, mainly my father, was my main tormentor. I can talk for hours about how words hurt, and it is funny that when you don't experience this, you have no clue as to what it is I am even saying. Then those who have experienced this, shake their head yes. It really applies to all forms of abuse - sexual, verbal, physical, and so on and on (all of which I have experienced). I think that is when people choose to cope in different ways. Some drink, take drugs, leave their family/partner/spouse, etc. I just want for you to know that I am here for you as a sounding board/support system. I understand more than you know.

Peace be with you and yours,
Andrew

Thank you Andrew!

Things have taken some very good turns. Things are by no means perfect, but they are better... and they are better because I removed myself from the situation as much as I can. I stopped spending time in the main part of the house with my family. I moved everything of my mine and my children's that I could down to our level of the house in the basement. We come up to eat and then we go back downstairs. Its helping a lot. I am also seeing someone new, someone semi local. He only lives a few hours away. He is so supportive, so understanding, and so wonderfully understanding. Having the ability to escape and spend time with him, as well as have him here to be with me and the kids has bolstered my coping ability drastically.

Your right, that those who haven't experienced this don't understand. I am really hoping that this forum can turn into that... a place to find someone who does... no matter what kind of abuse you have suffered, or from who.

Thank you for being here, for listening, and for caring.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Jenn,

You are most welcome. I am just a support for those who wish to disclose publically. I am no longer going to be doing that for my own personal reasons. Most everyone knows what I endured. No need for me to go thru it again.

With warm regards,
Andrew