PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Jet]

I totally understand!

Sometimes it helps me to be in the sun, the vitamin D maybe?

You deserve the rest, try an embrace it as somehting you need and deserve! :)

Thanks. I have so much to get done—art and writing.

[Apocalipstic]

Thanks. I have so much to get done—art and writing.


There will be plenty of time for that, your health is most important!

[Rockinonahigh]

Looks like im headed to the reunion,I do hope my spook refles and somewhat unease of crouds dont mess it up.I gess I should be on some valum or something but meds dont do well with me so I do my beat to deal with these feelings when it hits.Ya know its like always wateing for something bad to happpen when there is no reason for it to..that nervous edge that keeps ppl on the muscel.My son said ppl who are in constantly dangerous or situations where being unaware of suroundings could be bad for u ..like soulders in battle or stressfull times have this...he should know cause he was in the army for years and in special forces and been to war.I never thought of it that way.For once I would love to compleatly relax and take a deep breath and let it go.I dont go around fixing to fall apart,just a but more wary than most.

[Apocalipstic]

Looks like im headed to the reunion,I do hope my spook refles and somewhat unease of crouds dont mess it up.I gess I should be on some valum or something but meds dont do well with me so I do my beat to deal with these feelings when it hits.Ya know its like always wateing for something bad to happpen when there is no reason for it to..that nervous edge that keeps ppl on the muscel.My son said ppl who are in constantly dangerous or situations where being unaware of suroundings could be bad for u ..like soulders in battle or stressfull times have this...he should know cause he was in the army for years and in special forces and been to war.I never thought of it that way.For once I would love to compleatly relax and take a deep breath and let it go.I dont go around fixing to fall apart,just a but more wary than most.

I have been before, and when I start to get really anxious of jumpy I go to my room and chill, sometimes on the middle of an event, then go back when I feel better. Really helps. :)

[Jet]

Looks like im headed to the reunion,I do hope my spook refles and somewhat unease of crouds dont mess it up.I gess I should be on some valum or something but meds dont do well with me so I do my beat to deal with these feelings when it hits.Ya know its like always wateing for something bad to happpen when there is no reason for it to..that nervous edge that keeps ppl on the muscel.My son said ppl who are in constantly dangerous or situations where being unaware of suroundings could be bad for u ..like soulders in battle or stressfull times have this...he should know cause he was in the army for years and in special forces and been to war.I never thought of it that way.For once I would love to compleatly relax and take a deep breath and let it go.I dont go around fixing to fall apart,just a but more wary than most.

when were you diagnosed with PTSD?

[Rockinonahigh]

Jet..I never have been,I mention this to my doc and all he says is to relax cause its all in the past,yes I got rid of him and now am se docs at LSU med center but have to go through the system,I have another appointment soon hopefuly I can work this out.I have a friend who is big time ptsd and she is on so much shit she is worse than before..I wont let the docs do me that way.

[Jet]

Unless I'm mistaken, I thought this thread was for people diagnosed with PTSD and trauma survival, not just an anxiety disorder.

[Apocalipstic]

I have both PTSD and an anxiety and panic disorder, it can all be very interconnected. I do take quite a bit of medication and find it really helps. Without it, I can't even leave the house.

Not all medication is bad.

[Canela]

Unless I'm mistaken, I thought this thread was for people diagnosed with PTSD and trauma survival, not just an anxiety disorder.

And here I thought this was supposed to be a support of some sort to vent, share and help...diagnosis or not.

Some people don't have an official diagnosis of PTSD cuz not all drs recognize it as such...

And it seems like the list in the very beginning (OP) triggered some just reading it and recognizing themselves in it...as living with PTSD survivors...some of whom didn't even realize they had PTSD...amazing when you think about it...how some have lived their whole lives dealing with PTSD, anxiety, fear and the like without ever being "officially" diagnosed....

I want to send a hug to all of you who have had to deal with this without benefit of meds, diagnosis or support until now.

And I want to thank Apocalipstic for starting this thread because I look back and see so much growth and change in so many of us just from having this "safe" place.

God bless you all and I wish you much peace and success in your lives...

Shug (f)

[Rockinonahigh]

Jet..Im sorry u feel this way.Over the years we all go through things and it afects us in diffrent ways,only when we are willing to really look into how we feel do we realise what we are dealing with and also why.In listining to others talk about what they go through do we come to grips with what is ging on that had bothered us for so long.I hope u have a good day and have contentment that the day is better than the last.
Today was better than yesterday for me,Last night I got out of the house for the first time to go out with friends and have some fun,my back blew out and I barely made it to the car to go home,this is part of why im stresed out cause of my fear of what will happen if and when it goes out..will I be able to get home or will someone step out of the box and give a stranger a hand in help.Its been along time since I have ventured out with the exception of the normal daily things I need to do...could I handle it when it happened cause I took a deep breath and did handle it..it didnt handle me.With the help of some meds with a good nights sleep today is way better,my friends and I went out today for several hours only this time I was better prepared to be out and deal with the day.I wore my shoes that have killer inserts to help my back,used my dam cane to help me along...anyway it was better cause of the help and info I receved from hear.Thank all of u for the helpful things that made my day better.

[Jet]

Jet..Im sorry u feel this way.Over the years we all go through things and it afects us in diffrent ways,only when we are willing to really look into how we feel do we realise what we are dealing with and also why.In listining to others talk about what they go through do we come to grips with what is ging on that had bothered us for so long.I hope u have a good day and have contentment that the day is better than the last.
Today was better than yesterday for me,Last night I got out of the house for the first time to go out with friends and have some fun,my back blew out and I barely made it to the car to go home,this is part of why im stresed out cause of my fear of what will happen if and when it goes out..will I be able to get home or will someone step out of the box and give a stranger a hand in help.Its been along time since I have ventured out with the exception of the normal daily things I need to do...could I handle it when it happened cause I took a deep breath and did handle it..it didnt handle me.With the help of some meds with a good nights sleep today is way better,my friends and I went out today for several hours only this time I was better prepared to be out and deal with the day.I wore my shoes that have killer inserts to help my back,used my dam cane to help me along...anyway it was better cause of the help and info I receved from hear.Thank all of u for the helpful things that made my day better.

I don't feel any way...I'm trying to get a grip what this thread is about. Apparently I'm in the wrong to be posting here and I've wasted my time.
No problem.

[AtLast]

And here I thought this was supposed to be a support of some sort to vent, share and help...diagnosis or not.

Some people don't have an official diagnosis of PTSD cuz not all drs recognize it as such...

And it seems like the list in the very beginning (OP) triggered some just reading it and recognizing themselves in it...as living with PTSD survivors...some of whom didn't even realize they had PTSD...amazing when you think about it...how some have lived their whole lives dealing with PTSD, anxiety, fear and the like without ever being "officially" diagnosed....

I want to send a hug to all of you who have had to deal with this without benefit of meds, diagnosis or support until now.

And I want to thank Apocalipstic for starting this thread because I look back and see so much growth and change in so many of us just from having this "safe" place.

God bless you all and I wish you much peace and success in your lives...

Shug (f)

UMMMMM...PTSD has a very close relationship with aniety disorders and phobias as well.

The DSM has five axes for many good reasons... mainly we are all pretty complex and PTSD is seated in a syndrome complex taking in many characteristics of various symtomology and disorders (although, I hate using the term disorder).

I give Apocalipstic many thanks, too! And, jet, have you given thought that it might just be you that is wasting other people's time? You might want to do a review of PTSD literature before making such rude remarks to people trying to give each other support.

[Soft*Silver]

I have a diagnosis of PTSD...but I dont come in here until now. I understand the need to have a safe secure place to discuss our issues but the internet, especially a very public one such as this one, is not the safest forum. I hope Jet comes back and makes allowances for the amount of privacy one can have here...

[Apocalipstic]

I want to make clear that I statrted the thread for anyone who wanted to duscuss coping with PTSD or trauma. I don't think you have to have an official diagnosis to know you have experienced trauma and that it affects your life in many ways.

Jet, sorry if you feel you have wasted you time, I think your posts and discussion have been useful, educational and supportive, and I thought it sounded like you felt supported too.

I think it is important to serve as a place where people who are searching for answers can find out they are not alone. No official diagnosis needed.

In my life I am finding that sometimes the tests for official diagnosis make my symptoms way worse than they were in the first place.

[AtLast]

I want to make clear that I statrted the thread for anyone who wanted to duscuss coping with PTSD or trauma. I don't think you have to have an official diagnosis to know you have experienced trauma and that it affects your life in many ways.

Jet, sorry if you feel you have wasted you time, I think your posts and discussion have been useful, educational and supportive, and I thought it sounded like you felt supported too.

I think it is important to serve as a place where people who are searching for answers can find out they are not alone. No official diagnosis needed.

In my life I am finding that sometimes the tests for official diagnosis make my symptoms way worse than they were in the first place.

Something I was trying to get across is that this is a support thread for a complex syndrome that really does affect a lot of people. One of the best ways for people to get support is through this kind of forum. So, I just feel that flip remarks are not only rude, but not helpful and makes this space unsafe. And that is sad because this thread is serving a good purpose.

I will be honest, even with a clinical license and a Ph.D, my experience with PTSD is a personal journey. How and why it came into my life has nothing to do with my professional life. When I come into a thread like this, I am doing so as just a person seeking mutual support and wanting to give back to people. And as just a person, I need to feel safe, too.

I just find it very disturbing and down right rude and without one ounce of empathy for someone to question anyone's diagnostic status or announce wasting one's time just because they feel the thread may not be the right one for them. This is dismissive and a put down to other members.

I would love to interact on the thread because I have found that just getting what other people experience is helpful to me. It feels like I am not alone and I can get ideas about coping. My background helps in some ways, but, just other people with PTSD have always been the best medicine for me.

I am not certain about my feeling safe here at this point because of this interaction. So, I'll just check back from time to time and see how it feels. Everyone needs to feel safe in support threads. It is true that by virtue of being on-line, this is a publicforum and that always has its hazards, but, I don't think it is too much to ask for simple courtesy within a specific community such as this one. It is a very diverse community with many experiences and skills and people that care about each other.

I am sorry if I disrupted things for others. I felt I owed you all an explanation out of respect for your participation and to you as the OP.

[Apocalipstic]

I have a diagnosis of PTSD...but I dont come in here until now. I understand the need to have a safe secure place to discuss our issues but the internet, especially a very public one such as this one, is not the safest forum. I hope Jet comes back and makes allowances for the amount of privacy one can have here...

I am so much medication and have been through so much to me privacy is overrated and can sometimes allow hurtful things to on that would notfly in the public eye.

So I like this format.

But I have the luxury of having a therapist I can talk about things I am afraid no one else wants to know about....details.

I do want people, expecially those who live in populated areas to know that mental health services are avaiable at sliding scales and often for free through the govt. even medication.

[Apocalipstic]

Something I was trying to get across is that this is a support thread for a complex syndrome that really does affect a lot of people. One of the best ways for people to get support is through this kind of forum. So, I just feel that flip remarks are not only rude, but not helpful and makes this space unsafe. And that is sad because this thread is serving a good purpose.

I will be honest, even with a clinical license and a Ph.D, my experience with PTSD is a personal journey. How and why it came into my life has nothing to do with my professional life. When I come into a thread like this, I am doing so as just a person seeking mutual support and wanting to give back to people. And as just a person, I need to feel safe, too.

I just find it very disturbing and down right rude and without one ounce of empathy for someone to question anyone's diagnostic status or announce wasting one's time just because they feel the thread may not be the right one for them. This is dismissive and a put down to other members.

I would love to interact on the thread because I have found that just getting what other people experience is helpful to me. It feels like I am not alone and I can get ideas about coping. My background helps in some ways, but, just other people with PTSD have always been the best medicine for me.

I am not certain about my feeling safe here at this point because of this interaction. So, I'll just check back from time to time and see how it feels. Everyone needs to feel safe in support threads. It is true that by virtue of being on-line, this is a publicforum and that always has its hazards, but, I don't think it is too much to ask for simple courtesy within a specific community such as this one. It is a very diverse community with many experiences and skills and people that care about each other.

I am sorry if I disrupted things for others. I felt I owed you all an explanation out of respect for your participation and to you as the OP.

I was not disgreeing with you, we just deal differently.

I don't know what Jet is going through right now, so I choose to explain what actually I think the thread is about and go on from there.

Symptoms of PTSD include anger and outbursts and controlling behavior, so to expect no one to ever show symptoms is unrealistic in a ptsd thread. I think we can choose to engage and be upset, or we can explain why we disagree and let it go. Which is also unrealistic in a PTSD thread. :)

Do I with people would never say hurtful things? yes. Is this realistic? no.

So I say we move on to encouraging each other and working really hard to de-escalate anger when we can. :)

[Soft*Silver]

ever see an obediant plant? (also known as a sensitive plant)

You touch it and it curls inward?

I think that has happened to two of our folks here...

its ok to curl inward

eventually the plant unfolds when it no longer feels the threat...

[JustBeingMe]

today my anxiety is high, not sure why it's picked today, I can't think of anything that may have triggered my shudder responses either today. My ptsd is giving me night terrros, tons of them, and keeping me from sleeping well at night. I even take anxiety medication and ambien to help me sleep. I still have the night terrors waking me up seems like every hour on the hour. All I can do is go outside when I wake up, smoke a cig, and try to let it go. I don't know wtf else to do to get some actual good nights sleep anymore. I hope the rest of you in this thread is sleeping much better than I and having better days. I don't always come in a post anything here, but when I do, it's because I need to know there are others out there like me dealing with their own issues and know I am not alone.
Thanks for the thread and the support from all of you.

[Apocalipstic]

today my anxiety is high, not sure why it's picked today, I can't think of anything that may have triggered my shudder responses either today. My ptsd is giving me night terrros, tons of them, and keeping me from sleeping well at night. I even take anxiety medication and ambien to help me sleep. I still have the night terrors waking me up seems like every hour on the hour. All I can do is go outside when I wake up, smoke a cig, and try to let it go. I don't know wtf else to do to get some actual good nights sleep anymore. I hope the rest of you in this thread is sleeping much better than I and having better days. I don't always come in a post anything here, but when I do, it's because I need to know there are others out there like me dealing with their own issues and know I am not alone.
Thanks for the thread and the support from all of you.

I have been having probelms sleeping too lately, not sure where you live, but could it be the heat?

Sometimes I get a cool clothe and put it on the back on my neck and it helps.

Hopefully this week will be better. Last week was a very anxious one. I was trying to think about some big issues I could not grasp and I had a wedding to go to this weekend I was DREADING.

I made it ok, but did end up halfway through the reception reading in my G/Fs parent's room after things got really loud.

I hope this week brings sleep and calm to all of us!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

[Soft*Silver]

I am NOT sleeping well. I took 2 tylenol PMs last night hoping to nod off, but at 3AM I took an a half an ambian too. At 5 I finally fell asleep and at 630, woke up gagging...my hiatal hernia and acid reflux was flaring. I also worked hard yesterday in the garden so my muscles were sore.

My schedule is all off and I am going to have to fix it by staying up 24 hours and getting back into a normal sleep schedule...and laying off caffeine after 5PM. I bought green tea which is high in caffeine. And I have been off caffeine for weeks now...

[Apocalipstic]

Maybe there is something in the air, I am really achy and not sleeping too. UGH.

I stop caffeine usually at 2pm, if I have it later it can mess with my sleep too, especially iced tea for some strange reason.

I hope you sleep well tonight! Sleep makes everything better. :)

[atomiczombie]

I never get to sleep before 4:30am. I get up around 12:30pm every day. Even if I get up way earlier, I am still wide awake all night. I force myself to go to bed by 4:00am, but if I didn't, I could be awake a lot longer. If I take my night time meds a lot earlier than 3 or 3:30am, I still am just as wide awake. My nighttime meds include 400mg of Trazodone, which is supposed to help me sleep.

On the bright side, I get a full 8 hours of sleep everyday. I suspect that my brain is wired to be up all night because the original traumatic event that started all this (fire broke out in my apartment and destroyed it) happened at 2am. Now my brain is on high alert all night. I don't know how to change that.

[Canela]

I have been very lucky in that I have been sleeping all night long, well as much as possible...I awaken wishing there was more time to sleep...lol...but I did go thru a patch some years ago where I could not sleep at all! It was terrible! I got so much advice from everyone from warm milk to staying up until I passed out..lol...and finally I tried having a cup of chamomile tea and spraying my bedroom with lavender scent and lighting lavendar candles...also, I placed candles around my home and as soon as it got dark, I lit those and it gave a warm, soft glow...not only did it make for a relaxing effect but it also made me more amorous...my honey loved it...'course I fell hard to sleep every night but hey, I felt better and better everyday. Also, an old wives tale about getting outside during the morning dew and just breathing deeply, stretching, praying...helped with depression symptoms as well as insomnia...don't ask me how it works...but it certainly worked for me...

I hope you all find solutions to your sleep inhibitions...it sure does feel good to wake up from a restful slumber...mmm...and I wish you that in abundance.

[Apocalipstic]

I never get to sleep before 4:30am. I get up around 12:30pm every day. Even if I get up way earlier, I am still wide awake all night. I force myself to go to bed by 4:00am, but if I didn't, I could be awake a lot longer. If I take my night time meds a lot earlier than 3 or 3:30am, I still am just as wide awake. My nighttime meds include 400mg of Trazodone, which is supposed to help me sleep.

On the bright side, I get a full 8 hours of sleep everyday. I suspect that my brain is wired to be up all night because the original traumatic event that started all this (fire broke out in my apartment and destroyed it) happened at 2am. Now my brain is on high alert all night. I don't know how to change that.


That totally makes sense, your body is likely on high alert all night t keep you safe. At least right now you get to sleep long enough to get 8 hours. Sleep is so important in the healing process.

LS makes some great suggestions! Lavendar does help, and it's not too girly and chamomile calm the stomach and the mind. Sometimes I ice down a pitcher and drink it as iced tea.

I hope as time passes maybe you can get to sleep a little earlier each night, but don't push yourself, it really has not been that long since the fire.

So sorry you are experiencing this!

[Jet]

I never get to sleep before 4:30am. I get up around 12:30pm every day. Even if I get up way earlier, I am still wide awake all night. I force myself to go to bed by 4:00am, but if I didn't, I could be awake a lot longer. If I take my night time meds a lot earlier than 3 or 3:30am, I still am just as wide awake. My nighttime meds include 400mg of Trazodone, which is supposed to help me sleep.

On the bright side, I get a full 8 hours of sleep everyday. I suspect that my brain is wired to be up all night because the original traumatic event that started all this (fire broke out in my apartment and destroyed it) happened at 2am. Now my brain is on high alert all night. I don't know how to change that.

I go through the exact same thing....no sleep. I finally got all my meds filled and I'm sleeping through the night. It took forever to find the right combination of meds. Good luck with this.

[Soon]

I've had a lot of success using Melatonin (herbal product) to help make me sleepy when my mind is whirrrrring.

[Apocalipstic]

I've had a lot of success using Melatonin (herbal product) to help make me sleepy when my mind is whirrrrring.



I take Melatonin too, I forgot about that. It does really help!

[AtLast]

I take Melatonin too, I forgot about that. It does really help!

I just started using Melatonin, too! And like the result. I've always had sleep problems (even as a baby, according to my mother, not just baby kind of stuff and it got really bad after precipitating PTSD event) and menopause really did a number on me with sleep! Way better post-menopause, but still a problem. Kind of nice to have Melatonin working for me.

[Rockinonahigh]

I was a premie and weighed one pound fourteenOz,I always have had a sleep problemwich is backwards to ppl who sleep nights,I usely sleep better in the day than at night.Hence most of my jobs have been grave yard nighters wich work very well for me.If im ging to sleep nights I either do a lot to burn of the excess energy then when I do go to bed I have learned to meditate my mind into a safe place to fall asleep..works most of the time.On the nights I have trouble sleepng I am on the puter till I get tired or go work out on the patio as hard as I dare..cazy but works for me.

[AtLast]

I sometimes use meditation or self-hypnosis to shut down anxiety before bedtime. Usually only when I am just way anxious and know I have to divert it somehow. I was a low birth weight baby (Mom smoked while pregnant for me), but full term. Don't know if this has any bearing on sleep disturbance, but have read some studies about neurological wiring and sleep and symptoms can begin in infancy. Put that with anxiety wiring and throw in trauma and BOOM!! Maybe... have no scientific basis to make this assumption.

I certainly envy people that sleep soundly and get real restorative sleep, however! I developed central nervous system sleep apnea about 20 years ago which really was hard. With treatment and weight loss (even though that was not the main marker for onset) helped a lot, plus the relaxation techniques. I am doing well with the Melatonin at this point and haven't had any side effects- still have to be aware of this with herbal type therapies.
Hell, herbs, roots, potions, and plants are what gave pharmacology its start!

LOL, my kid says I need sex back in my life and I will sleep just fine! Damn, kid!

[Canela]

Ahem...clearing throat...

Hi all!

Awhile back we'd talked about doing a basket with stuff in it for relaxation purposes, destressors and whatnot...and well, the reunion is next month so we are down to the wire...All those who are still in, please pm me--if you changed your mind, no big deal, but if you're still game please let me know...

I was thinking of assembling the basket then shipping it to Little Rock ahead of time so the admins can have it there in advance...

I'm wondering if any of us PTSD'ers are going to the Reunion since we really haven't touched on it and this isn't the right thread, so...yeah...pm me so we can get back to the support at hand.

God bless and hope to hear from you.:hangloose:

Sorry for the derail, A! (f)

Love and many blessings! Shug

[JustBeingMe]

Ahem...clearing throat...

Hi all!

Awhile back we'd talked about doing a basket with stuff in it for relaxation purposes, destressors and whatnot...and well, the reunion is next month so we are down to the wire...All those who are still in, please pm me--if you changed your mind, no big deal, but if you're still game please let me know...

I was thinking of assembling the basket then shipping it to Little Rock ahead of time so the admins can have it there in advance...

I'm wondering if any of us PTSD'ers are going to the Reunion since we really haven't touched on it and this isn't the right thread, so...yeah...pm me so we can get back to the support at hand.

God bless and hope to hear from you.:hangloose:

Sorry for the derail, A! (f)

Love and many blessings! Shug






I can't make the reunion this year....(whining).
But the PTSD basket idea sounds like a winner to do!!
Hope all of you that are going have a safe and wonderful trip.

[atomiczombie]

That totally makes sense, your body is likely on high alert all night t keep you safe. At least right now you get to sleep long enough to get 8 hours. Sleep is so important in the healing process.

LS makes some great suggestions! Lavendar does help, and it's not too girly and chamomile calm the stomach and the mind. Sometimes I ice down a pitcher and drink it as iced tea.

I hope as time passes maybe you can get to sleep a little earlier each night, but don't push yourself, it really has not been that long since the fire.

So sorry you are experiencing this!

LOL The fire happened on December 1st 2007. That is kind of a while ago now. Different scents, things like that have never worked for me. The best thing I have is reading a book. Since I have lived with the bipolar diagnosis all my life, I have had sleep issues that long too. As a teenager I once went for 3 weeks without more than an hour or so each night and at the end of that I crashed into one of the worst depression episodes of my life. I am no stranger to sleep problems. What I have learned over the years is not to stress myself out over it. If I can't sleep then I can't sleep and worrying about it doesn't help. I just relax when I am in bed and read. I know that even if I am not sleeping, my body is resting and I will eventually fall asleep. Right now I am not working so it is easier to deal with, but I do feel like I miss a lot when I sleep through half the day. Oh well. I am kind of wondering if the T I started on in the beginning of May might be exacerbating my sleep problems. Thanks for your kind words apoc, and everyone else. :)

[Soft*Silver]

I finally fell asleep at a decent hour and was up at 9 AM! Now lets see if I can do this two days in a row.

Melatonin...I have a friend who tried using it but it gave her hallucinations. She saw things move in the patterns of the wallpaper. Has anyone else experienced this or something like it on melatonin?

[Liam]

I finally fell asleep at a decent hour and was up at 9 AM! Now lets see if I can do this two days in a row.

Melatonin...I have a friend who tried using it but it gave her hallucinations. She saw things move in the patterns of the wallpaper. Has anyone else experienced this or something like it on melatonin?

Yes, when I took 7 mg I had nightmares. When I took 5mg, sometimes I had nightmares. It seems that 3mg is a good dose for me, I sleep well, have detailed vivid dreams and life is good. :)

[Apocalipstic]

LOL The fire happened on December 1st 2007. That is kind of a while ago now. Different scents, things like that have never worked for me. The best thing I have is reading a book. Since I have lived with the bipolar diagnosis all my life, I have had sleep issues that long too. As a teenager I once went for 3 weeks without more than an hour or so each night and at the end of that I crashed into one of the worst depression episodes of my life. I am no stranger to sleep problems. What I have learned over the years is not to stress myself out over it. If I can't sleep then I can't sleep and worrying about it doesn't help. I just relax when I am in bed and read. I know that even if I am not sleeping, my body is resting and I will eventually fall asleep. Right now I am not working so it is easier to deal with, but I do feel like I miss a lot when I sleep through half the day. Oh well. I am kind of wondering if the T I started on in the beginning of May might be exacerbating my sleep problems. Thanks for your kind words apoc, and everyone else. :)

A lot of my trauma happened over 40 years ago, so 2007 seems pretty recent in PTSD terms. :)

I have to work a shift where I have to get up and be to work at a certain time or I sleep all day too. It keeps me regular...My sleep I mean, that sounded funny! :)

I finally fell asleep at a decent hour and was up at 9 AM! Now lets see if I can do this two days in a row.

Melatonin...I have a friend who tried using it but it gave her hallucinations. She saw things move in the patterns of the wallpaper. Has anyone else experienced this or something like it on melatonin?

Never, but I have on some medicines. Spiders sliding down their web lines onto my bed and crawling up my covers, I could even feel them and was frozen. But not on Melatonin.

Yes, when I took 7 mg I had nightmares. When I took 5mg, sometimes I had nightmares. It seems that 3mg is a good dose for me, I sleep well, have detailed vivid dreams and life is good. :)

I have always gone with 3mg too. Works great.

[Jet]

This is not an easy thing to live with in the sense that it affects almost every aspect of my life. It's changed me in ways that scare me, in ways that make me feel that I'll never get me back.

I've changed for the worse I believe; ways that I'm ashamed to admit.

[Jet]

On another topic, no...I'm not going to the reunion. Even if I could go, I wouldn't for no other reason than it's just not my thing. You'd generally find me sitting alone somewhere drinking and watching other people. I quit dancing years ago and I'm real quiet in person—mistaken for being aloof. It's just how I am. But for those of you who are going, I hope you have a great time.

[Apocalipstic]

We are planning to go to the reunion since it is really close and not in a major crazy city. Las Vegas is to. much for either of us. The sounds and lights walking through the casino alone were to much for me.

I will (as usual) likely spend quite a bit of time alone or with Cynthia, but when I can, I do want to visit with friends in a neutral setting.

I am thrilled that so many of the events are in the hotel so I can go up to the room when overwhelmed.

I love hotels and have always wanted to stay at a Peabody. :)

[Apocalipstic]

I did not sleepm last night, am hoping tonight will be better.

I ended up watching a minute by minute recreation for the 24 hrs after JFK's death which was very educational, took the dog out at 3am, then watched the news which did put me to sleep for a couple of hours.

[Jet]

You know, there is a lot of anger in me. Anger that things happened, anger over everything i lost, anger that my life took a caustic and unexpected turn. I've broken glasses, lamps, kick in doors, walls and everything else that I'm ashamed of.

But here's the good news. I no longer blame God. Instead, I'm finally getting a grasp that it was/is awful, that I'm his child and that he cares very much that this "thing" happened. I carried trauma as though it belonged to me, and for so long that it became a gauge for normalcy. Can you imagine that when life is so bad for so long you adjust to the point that you think it's normal? That's when life and well being is truly lost or at least in jeopardy. That's when you become unrecognizable to yourself. Never let this happen, whatever you do, grab a hold of your identity, dignity, talents, your life and your worth. I let mine go. Never make that mistake because you'll risk never making it back.

[Apocalipstic]

You know, there is a lot of anger in me. Anger that things happened, anger over everything i lost, anger that my life took a caustic and unexpected turn. I've broken glasses, lamps, kick in doors, walls and everything else that I'm ashamed of.

But here's the good news. I no longer blame God. Instead, I'm finally getting a grasp that it was/is awful, that I'm his child and that he cares very much that this "thing" happened. I carried trauma as though it belonged to me, and for so long that it became a gauge for normalcy. Can you imagine that when life is so bad for so long you adjust to the point that you think it's normal? That's when life and well being is truly lost or at least in jeopardy. That's when you become unrecognizable to yourself. Never let this happen, whatever you do, grab a hold of your identity, dignity, talents, your life and your worth. I let mine go. Never make that mistake because you'll risk never making it back.


Jet, remember every day can be a fresh new start!

You can say I work on ___________ just for today. It can be peace. It an be making a list of things that make you angry and eliminating some of them. It can be joy. But just for today, then it's not so overwhelming.

I will repeat myself.

Every day is a fresh new day, a fresh new start.

If you give up for a while, no big deal, just pick yourself up....just for today.

[AtLast]

I finally fell asleep at a decent hour and was up at 9 AM! Now lets see if I can do this two days in a row.

Melatonin...I have a friend who tried using it but it gave her hallucinations. She saw things move in the patterns of the wallpaper. Has anyone else experienced this or something like it on melatonin?

Ut, OH!!

I believe anything can happen even with a herbal product. Interactions with other medications, etc. This is why it is important to list all herbal supplements (including vitamins) along with prescriptions and OTC meds at the docs and when asking a pharmicist for advise. Herbal remedies are part of pharmacology.

I have not had any side effects with Melatonin, but certainly believe something like this could happen. Knowing what (if any) other kinds of meds your friend takes would be helpful.

[Apocalipstic]

Ut, OH!!

I believe anything can happen even with a herbal product. Interactions with other medications, etc. This is why it is important to list all herbal supplements (including vitamins) along with prescriptions and OTC meds at the docs and when asking a pharmicist for advise. Herbal remedies are part of pharmacology.

I have not had any side effects with Melatonin, but certainly believe something like this could happen. Knowing what (if any) other kinds of meds your friend takes would be helpful.

Another question is, did friend stop taking other medication to change to melatonin?

My hallucinations have been worst when stopping a medication.

[Leigh]

Hi everyone :)

I sometimes use melatonin, but for Me it doesn't interfere with My other meds thank goodness. I do find though that even on the nights that I do take something to help Me sleep, I'm often either tossing and turning or I just can't get to sleep!!!

[JustBeingMe]

A few years ago, I worked funky shifts while working for GoodYear Tire and Rubber company as a quality control technician. I would work nights, days, second shifts, splits, whatever they made me work. I tried taking melatonin to help me sleep but I had night terrors when I took it and I would waked up all the time on it. It wasn't that great at helping me to fall asleep and the only two meds I took where for blood pressure and high cholesterol. It didn't interfere with them either. SO my doctor back then, put me on ambien to help me sleep. It helped me get drowsy enough to fall asleep. If I didn't get at least 8 hrs of sleep using ambien, I would wake up feeling groggy. That was the only side effect I got taking ambien.
Just my experience, and everyone's is different.
My shrink just added Trazadone to my list of meds to take along with my ambien to help me Remain asleep because I am full of anxiety in my mind and can't shut it down to stay asleep once I fall asleep. I hope it works and doesn't make me feel like a zombie taking both together.
Ok, done here rattling on.
I hope everyone is having a better week.

[friskyfemme]

My favorite sleep aid is Benadryl. My brother who takes several psycotrophic has taken in for extended periods of time for sleep to my knowledge there isn't a med is contraindicated to take with it. My mom who is a heart patient also take Benadryl to sleep. I don't take meds myself and I usually meditate to relax for sleep but...

When I couldn't sleep while visiting my mom, I took one and it worked! The best thing is there is no drogginess the next morning. I was hooked on Benadryl (figuratively). I have also taken Melatonin but it didn't work for me.

[Rockinonahigh]

Today whats on my mind is my mutiple back surgerys that will come up before long,I dont like hospitals at all and the thought of giveing up so much of myself to have this done plus dealing with doctors that I often wnder if they have any feeling for what a paitent is going thrue.Then there is the recovery time to deal with,this really needs to be done but I still am uneasy about it.Why...well will it really help or will I be no better or godess forbid worse than before.Just how many my stress triggers will trip off.

[JustBeingMe]

Hang in there and lets say some prayers for you Rockin. I hope the surgery works best for you and relieves issues for you. I know its' not easy to do, but try to do things to keep your mind busy so you don't think about it so much. Goodluck with the surgery, keep us informed.
I wish you well.
Me.

[Rockinonahigh]

Hello Me...Tks for the good advice,funny thing at my last dr.s pointment the clinic doc..not the neuro said back opps were a waist of time and often didnt work...u really dont want to hear that when they are talking about its u they r going to be working on.I have done some reserch on other things that can be done othescopicly (sp?) and am really hopeing one of them will work.

[Apocalipstic]

Rockin, I am so sorry you have to have surgery! Being in the hospital totally freaks me out to, so I completely understand and will be thinking about you.

[Rockinonahigh]

apocaliptic...I spent a lot of my young years in and out of the hospital for onething or the other so I have a healthy respect and fear of them,I am hopeing this will work out so I can be out of or reduce the pain I have lived with in what seems like forever..justr eady for it to be over.

[JustBeingMe]

Today I slept for while for the first time. I slept for a few hours and it seemed to calm me down from my anxiety and over tiredness from lack of any sort of decent sleep without night terrors. The pain in my lower back from m L3 L4 and L5 discs has flared up pretty badly and nothing I do seems to help. I just have to rest it I guess, and today that is exactly what I did....NOTHING, just NOTHING and took a very very long nap this afternoon, a lot longer than the hour I wanted to take, but my cousin didn't wake me, she said I seemed really exhausted and so she left me to sleep. I am grateful for my cousin letting me sleep, I needed it to say the least. I hope all is well with everyone else. Back to work for many of you on Monday and I hope you all have a great week.

[tuffboi29]

Hey guys. It has been a while but I wanted to check in.
It has been recommended to me that I try EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) therapy. I agreed to it because, well, anything is better than what I already deal with.
So, guys, please put me in your thoughts and prayers, and lets keep our fingers crossed. I will be sure to log on afterwards to let you know how the experience went and how I feel about it. Mostly to inform you all of what it intails.


(Worried as HELL by the way :worried: )

[friskyfemme]

Hey guys. It has been a while but I wanted to check in.
It has been recommended to me that I try EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) therapy. I agreed to it because, well, anything is better than what I already deal with.
So, guys, please put me in your thoughts and prayers, and lets keep our fingers crossed. I will be sure to log on afterwards to let you know how the experience went and how I feel about it. Mostly to inform you all of what it intails.


(Worried as HELL by the way :worried: )
I have heard it works for some people. Nothing to fear though. I would like to know how it works for you, if you care to share. Blessings.

[tuffboi29]

I have heard it works for some people. Nothing to fear though. I would like to know how it works for you, if you care to share. Blessings.



Well, today was definitally an experience. We started with developing a "safe place"...it's kinda like something I can go to when/if I start to freak out. I have a very gentle and understanding therapist.
Next week we are goin to make sure I am comfortable with my "safe places" and then begin the actual therapy itself.
I understand it entails keeping my eyes consistantly moving, focused on an object while recounting past experiences.
The goal is to allow myself to go through these experiences and process the emotions without dissasociating myself from the emotions involved and finally begin to process them in a safe manner. To allow the brain to process and deal without overloading myself.
I will update you all further next week about the experience and every week as I progress into it.
And as a side note...I am now getting 5-8 hours of sleep a night and have been haing minimal night terrors.
I did this by taking a better look at my diet and adjusting it. Also I've been running myself half to death during the day doing anything I can to keep busy. It seems to be doing the trick for me.
Good luck to everyone. Your always in my thoughts and not too far from my heart. I hope this info can be of good use to someone out there. And thanks for all the words of encouragement. I really needed it today.
Goodnight all and take care.

[tuffboi29]

Another question is, did friend stop taking other medication to change to melatonin?

My hallucinations have been worst when stopping a medication.



Hon you may not be hallucinating...you may be suffering from flashbacks.
Maybe have that looked into?
I thought i was hallucinating for years just to find out I was having flashbacks.
Just a suggestion, ok?

[friskyfemme]

Well, today was definitally an experience. We started with developing a "safe place"...it's kinda like something I can go to when/if I start to freak out. I have a very gentle and understanding therapist.
Next week we are goin to make sure I am comfortable with my "safe places" and then begin the actual therapy itself.
I understand it entails keeping my eyes consistantly moving, focused on an object while recounting past experiences.
The goal is to allow myself to go through these experiences and process the emotions without dissasociating myself from the emotions involved and finally begin to process them in a safe manner. To allow the brain to process and deal without overloading myself.
I will update you all further next week about the experience and every week as I progress into it.
And as a side note...I am now getting 5-8 hours of sleep a night and have been haing minimal night terrors.
I did this by taking a better look at my diet and adjusting it. Also I've been running myself half to death during the day doing anything I can to keep busy. It seems to be doing the trick for me.
Good luck to everyone. Your always in my thoughts and not too far from my heart. I hope this info can be of good use to someone out there. And thanks for all the words of encouragement. I really needed it today.
Goodnight all and take care.
That's for sharing your experience. Happy to hear you're sleeping better. Hoping your session will pove helpful as well.

[JinxdGirl]

PTSD is on my laundry list of brokenness. It affects my sleep more than anything else. The cause is simple, the same story so many have already shared, just a different girl. Just once I'd like to sleep through the whole night without waking up feeling as though I'm being suffocated. Just once I'd like to kiss someone deeply, passionately and not have flashbacks for the week + following said kiss. Just once I'd like to be less broken.

[Apocalipstic]

So my therapist keeps coming up with projects to calm my mind.

While I was in NYC I was supposed to draw my feeeeelings, then write a haiku.

:|

My feeeelings ended up being black sharpies markings and my haikus about death.

Glad to be home.

Embarrassed to have to go and report at therapy tomorrow.

[AtLast]

Big hug to all..... sometimes I read your posts and cry. Sometimes I read your posts and I am so happy for your good days and doing betterexperiences, I smile, a BIG smile! Sometimes, I just want to sprinkle all gone dust all around each and every person that posts here... (when WILL this be available OTC?)

Guess, I have to settle for a virtual group hug!

[Apocalipstic]

I love the All Gone Powder idea!

Grin!

[JustBeingMe]

This past week has been sleepless for me, my inner clock is outta whack again, high anxiety too, even though I am taking Trazadone and Ambien to help me sleep, I think my anxiety is running so high that they over take the meds to help me rest. UGH
This month is already going to be a horrible month for me for personal reasons. I don't know how much more I can bare with the stress of things and not go into a full blown episode of Bells Palsy (sp?). It often feels like the weight of the ENTIRE world is upon my shoulders baring down hard and fast like ton of bricks falling from a 50 story building. I wish I could take out a can of whip *ss and spray my stress and anxiety away. LOL Impossible, yeah, but atleast I can make myself laugh ONCE in a while. I think the laughter is the only sanity I feel I have left some days. I hope the rest of you are doing much better than I am.

Hey Tuff, how are you therapy sessions going? Are they helping you any?

[tuffboi29]

I'm having one of those :watereyes: moments tonight. My "safe place" seems to be broken at the present moment.

Therapy keeps getting better...Then worse...Then back to better again depending on the subject discussed.

I'm kind of struggling with my "safe place" as I can't seem to call upon it EVERY time *I* want it/need it, although it does help 3/4 of the time.

Since I'm about to get on a (gulps) plane, my therapist has decided to work exsorcises until I return so as not to open a :canoworms: before I go and am too far away.

I do have some great info (a bit expensive but worth the investment) though about a program sugested for me for the panic attacks. (Not trying to plug anything here it's just *my* opinion, because it soothes *me*.) www.stresscenter.com . The lady who started this Lucinda Bassett *sp (I believe her name is) started it and was once a sufferer of horrible panic attacks.
*shrugs* I like it anyways.

I keep going through moments of high and low. One moment REALLY good and up there and "OH BOY!" then dropping back down low. The lack of moral and emotional support is a big factor. I'm kind of cut off from my "support group" for a few days.

I don't know...I think my main problem right now is my ex is in town and stirring up messed up feelings that I don't want to go back to. She wants to get back together. :whoop:
I'm obviously NOT interested. Doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt yanno?

Sorry to go on rambling. Thanks everyone. We all need to know that we're not the only ones :hanging: here like this. And sorry about all the smilies...I needed a smile and theres that button over there.>>>

[Jet]

You know, there is a lot of anger in me. Anger that things happened, anger over everything i lost, anger that my life took a caustic and unexpected turn. I've broken glasses, lamps, kick in doors, walls and everything else that I'm ashamed of.

But here's the good news. I no longer blame God. Instead, I'm finally getting a grasp that it was/is awful, that I'm his child and that he cares very much that this "thing" happened. I carried trauma as though it belonged to me, and for so long that it became a gauge for normalcy. Can you imagine that when life is so bad for so long you adjust to the point that you think it's normal? That's when life and well being is truly lost or at least in jeopardy. That's when you become unrecognizable to yourself. Never let this happen, whatever you do, grab a hold of your identity, dignity, talents, your life and your worth. I let mine go. Never make that mistake because you'll risk never making it back.


addendum


I'm still pissed. There is a lot of anger in me. Something happened this week that was costly to me. And i'm tired of this. Right when I thought I had things in check, it came rearing back.

[Jet]

The time has come to face to face, head on, with demons in my life. It had to come to this moment when I think all is lost, and I stand in a desolate place— God and me— right and wrong — good and evil— past and present and I know not the outcome other than the fact that no matter what, I have the greatest ally in all of creation. Trust me, I have fought Him on everything . But today is my hour to facing hell on the horizon and I can barley hold up knowing what awaits. I hope that whoever reads this—the struggling, the fearlful, the defeated—you must know that no matter how torturous, the outcome will be in God's hands. And even though the odds seem impossible, any thing is possible with the help of a higher power. This is about winning when everthing is against you....

This post is my song today and for all who an relate.

sgeoNcBDPGU

[Jet]

Thanks for your reps and comments everyone. I need to say this: I am Catholic and I have always believed overcoming difficulties and facing terrible odds could be done with God's help. But I am no saint or good guy by any stretch of the imagination. I scream at God because of the pain, and for things happening to me the way they did. I've told Him I hated Him. And you know what? He forgives it and we move on. But I'm mad, damn mad that I have to go through this again step by step, moment by moment. I fucking don't want to be here, its that simple. And there's nothing I can do about that because I am a Catholic.

Nowt we're reaching into the core of injuries where there is anger and bitterness and hatred for life because of the pain. At the core are the memories of what happened and a wound that needs to be cleansed. And none of this will be accomplished without facing the bitter details, the toxic shame, the villifying and subjugation that I endured one terrible night. It's all in my face now — memories that are thorough and, unfortunately, surfacing against my will.

This is a process.

I don't know if any of you will have to face or deal with your trauma in this manner. But the bottom line is getting to and dealing with severe injuries no matter how indignant or frightening or demoralizing. I have been afflicted physically, neurologically, mentally and I have lost my life as it once was. I'm pissed. And the entire purpose of this post is tell you that it's okay to be pissed and run the gamut of emotions because its part of being human and severely injured.

Do you honestly think God expects us to accept and move through our terrors and bagage with the pomp and peagantry of the guardsman at Buckingham Palace? Wow. Than I must be a child of a lesser god.

Life is getting worse as the core of this "thing" surfaces. I may not handle it,
but I am here wish you all the best in your journey.

[Apocalipstic]

I am having a difficult time facing things becasue I feel so dumb and weak. Stupid in fact for even having had these things happen, and not being over it.

When I was a kid, no matter what happened I was told to "buck up", or "chin up little soldier", even when my mother died....so I feel so incredibly stupid not being over stuff.

I have a therapist appt I need to leave for in 15 minutes and I feel sick at my stomach about it. Stupid stupid stupid even talking about this stuff.

[Apocalipstic]

panicccccc

[Apocalipstic]

I am finaly calmed down a bit. When I am really freaked out sounds come in waves and my ears burn. Weird huh?

Apparently therapist thinks I am way more sane than I do. She also thinks I need to do stand up comedy?

[tuffboi29]

Bout to board a plane...AGAIN...AND AWAKE...

O
M
GAY


....40 mins and counting...

gods help me...

[Apocalipstic]

I hope the flight and trip go great!

My therapy is really intense now and other problems I have like Fibromyalgia and Endometriosis which they say can be very related to childhood trauma are acting up.

I know I will feel better some day, but I am kind of shot this afternoon...wondering if soemhow the pain will go away when I sort this all out in my head.

Maybe we need a chronic pain thread? UGH.

[tuffboi29]

Flying? Well all I can come up with as I think back on it is this: :|


The trip was AWESOME btw...I got to go see My Jennie in Washington.

I'm going back to therapy again on Wensday (thank the Goddess) and I can't wait. I really dig my therapist.

Then again...I really dig most hippies.


I don't think I will be getting back on a plane again any time soon though. :|

[Apocalipstic]

What freaks me out about flying are the airports and how people act when they are upset. I have to really focus to not give into my PTSD when loud people are all around in a closed in area and get all belligerent.

I do better in the airports that have the illusion of space, where at least the celings are high the entire time. I feel so trapped in airports like O'Hare or immigration at Dulles etc. I need to stay sharp so I don't take antianxiety meds, but am always right on the edge of losing it. Eapecially if I have people in my personal space.

[JustBeingMe]

yep, I have finally come to terms and the realization that I have NEW trauma, and that I am going to have to go back to see a therapist to deal with this new crap.

[Apocalipstic]

yep, I have finally come to terms and the realization that I have NEW trauma, and that I am going to have to go back to see a therapist to deal with this new crap.

I am so sorry you have new trauma, but happy you see it and are making plans to feel better! :)

I have been in therapy again since last Winter and it finally seems to be helping.

Best to you in your journey!

[JustBeingMe]

Anxiety is running amock. I can't sleep well. Seems like nothing I try works. Not even the medication for my anxiety and sleep issues. Feels like my body is full of it and about to explode. Feels weird.

[Apocalipstic]

Anxiety is running amock. I can't sleep well. Seems like nothing I try works. Not even the medication for my anxiety and sleep issues. Feels like my body is full of it and about to explode. Feels weird.


So sorry. I know exactly how that feels.

I could not sleep either, am an pretty bleary eyed this morning.

I hope your day calms the anxiety!

[JustBeingMe]

Thank you for your support. I do appreciate it a great deal. And it means a lot to me. I am now dealing with new stress, my mom is not getting enough oxygen to her heart, she failed her stress test last week. Doctor called and wants to do an Angiogram on her heart and all that stuff, looking for another blood clot in her arteries. I take her for the procedure on Sept. 8th. I am just hoping there is nothing wrong with her that requires immediate surgery. I lost my stepdad just this Jan 13th. I don't want to lose my mom. It's scary for her and me. I am full of anxiety about it too. I have a personal matter that has to be dealt with Sept. at a later date, I just hope whatever has to be done for my mom is done Before then, so I am there for her. I can't change my date for my personal matter.

[JustBeingMe]

Whewwww. The stress about my mom is now Over. Her doc did the angiogram and it turns out her coronary arteries are just fine.
He thinks it's her age, physical condition (in shapeness), and her push mowing causing the problem, her lungs are fine too. So, my arguments with mom over me helping her MOW THE LAWN are VALIDATED...heh heh heh. I get to mow the lawn now with less friction from mom!! I suggested to her to do a very small area so she won't feel like I am just taking over things. She has just got to learn that she's NOT as young as she used to be, ya know.....and she ain't feeling it yet!! LOL

Now, back to MY regularly stressed life issues...............

Hope everyone here on the thread is doing ok. It's been a while since anyone else posted.

[Apocalipstic]

It has been a while...life I guess!

Therapy is going well, except my annual alotment of insuranec has run out so I am paying out of pocket. I may need to drop to every other week, but I don't want to!

My anxiety is better, but I am still so jumpy. Our dog breathed behind me a couple of nights ago and I about jumped out of my skin! I hate being so hyper alert, I wonder when it will calm back down...I feel so silly about it all.

[Lillie]

I know in my heart my son is suffering from ptsd..he has done 2 tours in iraq and has isolated himself from all family..occassionally calling or emailing..(him and I were inseperable b4 his tours) I have seen him once in 2 yrs and I do not even have his current home address..I never stop reaching out to him, via phone calls that lead to voicemails because he didn't pick up the phone..to emails gone unanswered..to facebook posts gone unnoticed..but I never stop trying to contact him..reassure him..but as his mother I am lost as to how to get him help...he is a shell of a person..only drinking and hanging with his friends..I can not express the devestation we feel..its like a death..my daughter misses him so much..as do we all..but he ignores all attempts..

He came for a visit after my daughter turned 16 this past May..he laughed the same..but he was vacant..his amazing brown eyes were devoid of emotion..only a few times did the glimmer of the man he use to be show...and I reveled in it..I watched him sleep for hours..just to hear him breath...he is right in front of me but so very far away..I raised such an incredible young man..I know he understands the pain he is causing all his family..and we all just stand back and let him come back to us..but of course we all don't have a choice.do we? I have no idea where he even lives these days..and his phone is turned off...

I recieved a small prayer/poem from my sister - n - law regarding how the family "serves too"..but although geographically he is home..he isn't really here..he is still there...so I guess I will serve this with him..I miss him and it simply takes my breath away at times just how much..I cry often and console my daughter when she does...

I speak to my sister - n - law who's sun served in afghanastan in the airforce (my son is a marine) and gabe didn't come back completely either...he is lost..but at least he came home to his room..my son did not..he is out there..alone and going through it by choice alone...I do not know how to get to him..to help in any way..

signed
lost in the moment of his youth and missing the smell of him

I love you my amazing son..please fight and find your way back

thanks for listening

[friskyfemme]

I know in my heart my son is suffering from ptsd..he has done 2 tours in iraq and has isolated himself from all family..occassionally calling or emailing..(him and I were inseperable b4 his tours) I have seen him once in 2 yrs and I do not even have his current home address..I never stop reaching out to him, via phone calls that lead to voicemails because he didn't pick up the phone..to emails gone unanswered..to facebook posts gone unnoticed..but I never stop trying to contact him..reassure him..but as his mother I am lost as to how to get him help...he is a shell of a person..only drinking and hanging with his friends..I can not express the devestation we feel..its like a death..my daughter misses him so much..as do we all..but he ignores all attempts..

He came for a visit after my daughter turned 16 this past May..he laughed the same..but he was vacant..his amazing brown eyes were devoid of emotion..only a few times did the glimmer of the man he use to be show...and I reveled in it..I watched him sleep for hours..just to hear him breath...he is right in front of me but so very far away..I raised such an incredible young man..I know he understands the pain he is causing all his family..and we all just stand back and let him come back to us..but of course we all don't have a choice.do we? I have no idea where he even lives these days..and his phone is turned off...

I recieved a small prayer/poem from my sister - n - law regarding how the family "serves too"..but although geographically he is home..he isn't really here..he is still there...so I guess I will serve this with him..I miss him and it simply takes my breath away at times just how much..I cry often and console my daughter when she does...

I speak to my sister - n - law who's sun served in afghanastan in the airforce (my son is a marine) and gabe didn't come back completely either...he is lost..but at least he came home to his room..my son did not..he is out there..alone and going through it by choice alone...I do not know how to get to him..to help in any way..

signed
lost in the moment of his youth and missing the smell of him

I love you my amazing son..please fight and find your way back

thanks for listening
((((((((((Lillie))))))))))))

Being a mother of an adult child, I understand your pain. We never stop caring and nuturing our kids. You are doing all the right things. Letting him know that you are there is important even though he may not respond. At least right now. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a sibling. Maybe his sister can reach him. She doesn't have to say 'hey why aren't you contacting us' but maybe a simple invite to come by for dinner.

My heart goes out to you. My son has been astranged from me for 5 yrs now with absolutely no explanation. If it weren't for his sister, I wouldn't even know where he was.

May Spirit wrap your son in love and protection.

[JustBeingMe]

I am back in a physical place that has caused me to have new PTSD. I had to come here for reasons i will not explain here, but just know that I am feeling like my head is going to explode! My Nerves are way outta whack, and my anxiety is over the limit. I don't want to be here, but I have to be here.

Please God, just get me through this week, see to it that your angels are standing tall beside me and that the truth sets me free. In Jesus Name I Pray, Amen.

[JustBeingMe]

Whew.................glad to be home again. Although, the nightmares are still around, I'll be talking to my psych. doc to see about some new therapy for my new ptsd crap. Hope there's a way to get it where I am.



Ps...where the heck did everyone go? hmmm...

[Apocalipstic]

Its so terrible that soldiers are coming back from overseas with PTSD with so little help available! My thoughts are with you!

Just Being Me, so sorry that your PTSS has been kicked back in, I hope that you do not have to go back there! I know some triggers are almost impossible to avoid without making wayyyy tough decisions. and sometimes even then, nothing helps.

I am not as angry as I once was, the BrainSpotting seems to be helping. No more hallucinations auditory or visual, but still am jumpy & over stimulated. I have moved to being profoundly sad when I think about my past, which according to therapist is good.

My therapist fixed my pay rate so I can still afford to go every week, I am so thankful!

I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist, but am nervous becasue I have not lost any weight. UGH. In fact I need to go see all my docs, but dread the fat recriminations.

[Dragonfly]

I'm sure I'm not the only one who comes here to read and find a little comfort in knowing you're not alone... So don't feel alone when the posting slows. I'm at the worst stage of getting to know someone, dating, when it comes to ptsd. Not just because of thinking about having to tell someone new ... Which is huge enough... But also because for me relationships themselves are a big part of what I struggle with. Abuse, physical and mental, is always there in the back of your mind ya know...? Being rushed or pushed or even yes, too liked, scares the holy crap right out of me... I don't have much else to add on it but I think many of you know exactly what its like. The worst feeling of all is knowing that what is supposed to be wonderful and joyful for so many people is just filled with unfair feelings like paranoia and panic. Its like the more I care the more afraid I get... And I have to fight the urge to run in the opposite direction... Caus I know that once I fall in love I can't stop myself from sticking it out waaay too long in so many cases. I'm getting back into counceling cause I really need outside perspective...

[Jet]

I haven't been in here for quite sometime. I'd like you all to know that the end is in sight. Due to the nature of my ordeal, I can't go into to details, but I can tell you that one the biggest obstacles to overcome was fear. Unbelievable how much fear existed and how much it dominated by life. I ran from my life—my very person and ended up living on auto-pilot. The denial and suppressed feelings was so great that I never saw my physical changes as I aged or how much had I lost which was just about everything. I lost friends, material things and my livelihood.

It has taken 22 months to face and overcome my fears. First, I had to admit that something terrible had to be faced in my life. If I didn't face the inevitable, I would be running in circles as I had done all along as a way to avert or sidestep the ordeal. So I got on the right medicine so I could operate normally day to day, and help with the anxiety of facing what happened.

Secondly, I had to break it down into baby steps so I could move through the event. As I did this, it felt as though pieces were surfing which helped to alleviate the pressure in my chest. I felt that something was going to blow from the inside. The reason is because I had suppressed so much to the point were feelings and fears felt "impacted." The body can only take so much psychologically, physiologically and neurologically and I had suffered all three for...18 years. I felt absolutely powerless in facing the event, so baby steps were key in processing what happened.

Third, I had to feel the feelings and allow them to surface and get out of my system. I call it being unchained. I've had to move through fear and anger and so much negativity.


Now, as I type this, I've regained long term memory and let go of so much anger. This is a daily occurance. How beautiful to feel again and experience the person I am. Nothing is hidden anymore. It's a fall, my favorite season, and I am present within myself as my trauma continues to leave me.

[Apocalipstic]

I'm sure I'm not the only one who comes here to read and find a little comfort in knowing you're not alone... So don't feel alone when the posting slows. I'm at the worst stage of getting to know someone, dating, when it comes to ptsd. Not just because of thinking about having to tell someone new ... Which is huge enough... But also because for me relationships themselves are a big part of what I struggle with. Abuse, physical and mental, is always there in the back of your mind ya know...? Being rushed or pushed or even yes, too liked, scares the holy crap right out of me... I don't have much else to add on it but I think many of you know exactly what its like. The worst feeling of all is knowing that what is supposed to be wonderful and joyful for so many people is just filled with unfair feelings like paranoia and panic. Its like the more I care the more afraid I get... And I have to fight the urge to run in the opposite direction... Caus I know that once I fall in love I can't stop myself from sticking it out waaay too long in so many cases. I'm getting back into counceling cause I really need outside perspective...

I totally get what you are saying. being around someone new intimately makes me feel vulnerable and there is not way for them to know my triggers, so I have ended up freaked out a lot in the past.

To be vulnerable at all makes me want to scream.

I have found that if someone ios not willing to work with you on your PTSD issues, they are not good enough for you!

Best of luck, I hope things calm down for you!

[Apocalipstic]

I haven't been in here for quite sometime. I'd like you all to know that the end is in sight. Due to the nature of my ordeal, I can't go into to details, but I can tell you that one the biggest obstacles to overcome was fear. Unbelievable how much fear existed and how much it dominated by life. I ran from my life—my very person and ended up living on auto-pilot. The denial and suppressed feelings was so great that I never saw my physical changes as I aged or how much had I lost which was just about everything. I lost friends, material things and my livelihood.

It has taken 22 months to face and overcome my fears. First, I had to admit that something terrible had to be faced in my life. If I didn't face the inevitable, I would be running in circles as I had done all along as a way to avert or sidestep the ordeal. So I got on the right medicine so I could operate normally day to day, and help with the anxiety of facing what happened.

Secondly, I had to break it down into baby steps so I could move through the event. As I did this, it felt as though pieces were surfing which helped to alleviate the pressure in my chest. I felt that something was going to blow from the inside. The reason is because I had suppressed so much to the point were feelings and fears felt "impacted." The body can only take so much psychologically, physiologically and neurologically and I had suffered all three for...18 years. I felt absolutely powerless in facing the event, so baby steps were key in processing what happened.

Third, I had to feel the feelings and allow them to surface and get out of my system. I call it being unchained. I've had to move through fear and anger and so much negativity.


Now, as I type this, I've regained long term memory and let go of so much anger. This is a daily occurance. How beautiful to feel again and experience the person I am. Nothing is hidden anymore. It's a fall, my favorite season, and I am present within myself as my trauma continues to leave me.


So glad things are better! I know it's been a looong journey.

Letting go of the anger is proving very healing for me too! It is so difficult though.

Again, you sound so much better! yeay!

[Dragonfly]

So it really helped me and I wanted to share this maybe help someone else too.
The thought or realization that the other person is coming to the table with their own things, that even possibly similar experiences and yes sometimes even ptsd too.
No matter what you end up discovering along the way, realizing its a cooperative effort therefore you sarent all alone in the fear department... Thinking of the other person and allowing them the chance to be supportive and understanding can also break the ice for that person to share thiers with you...

Looking forward to the next time we can take chances together... Lol

[Lillie]

((((((((((Lillie))))))))))))

Being a mother of an adult child, I understand your pain. We never stop caring and nuturing our kids. You are doing all the right things. Letting him know that you are there is important even though he may not respond. At least right now. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a sibling. Maybe his sister can reach him. She doesn't have to say 'hey why aren't you contacting us' but maybe a simple invite to come by for dinner.

My heart goes out to you. My son has been astranged from me for 5 yrs now with absolutely no explanation. If it weren't for his sister, I wouldn't even know where he was.

May Spirit wrap your son in love and protection.

sorry for the delayed response to this..I haven't checked back..

Thank you for your understanding..believe me the fact that I know I am not alone is a huge comfort for me..I have an amazing life..and I am surrounded by love..but the emptyness I feel with regards to my son..no one can fill. I wish it was that easy to invite him to dinner..he lives in ND and I love in AZ..so thats near impossible..I did notice the other day on his facebook that he responded to his friends and told them him phone was back on..so I text him, and called him as I always do..but again no response..I know people..several actually tell me to just give him time..but I find it amazing that parents who's kids abandon them are vigilant in getting them to return..yet to tell you the truth I have never been vigilant in going after anyone who has ever left me..when they are gone..they are gone..I don't take them back..yet for my son..the feeling of loss overwhelms me and consumes me at times..and all I think about is how to get him back..I remember when my son was 16..he asked me why I never spoke of my mother or why he never met her..i told him because he never asked..and because I have no idea where she is..she left me and my siblings when i was under 2 yrs old and never came back..he cried..for the first time in a long time..and told me how horrible it must be to not know the love of a mother..like he does..and thanked me for never leaving him or his sister..of course at the time the conversation was tucked away in my memory..but I think alot now about that day..and how he knew the struggles I went through..the abandonment issues I had..and had dealt with in therapy for years..and I now wonder if ever does he think that he in fact has abandoned me...does he remember that convesation..that day...the emotions exchanged between us?...I think if he did.he would realize how hurt I really am..

I still try..each day to reach out to him..I just hope one day he will turn around and see me holding out my hand for him to grab..

Lillie

[Canela]

My little friend Ashley...(I hadn't seen for awhile since my brother and her sister don't see each other anymore...several years actually...)

My dad texted me out of the blue tonight to let me know that she OD'd and passed away yesterday. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

How? She was only 14...my daughter told me she hung out with the goth/emo kids and that she was a cutter...OMG, didn't anyone see? Didn't anyone try to help her, reach her?

They moved. Her sister and my brother have two little girls together...my nieces...but the family was bitter about the break up...so we don't ever see them. They preferred we just didn't.

Now Ashley is gone. And I am so pissed that she was just a little girl and that family is so screwed up that they didn't try anything and everything to reach her. I mean wth?

My kids mean everything to me. Everything. My daughters are 24 and 17. Ask anyone that knows me, I am a mother first, a woman second. My kids MUST come first because I chose to have them. They're here, it is my responsibility to raise them, nurture them, guide them, support them (to a degree), figure out what the heck is wrong with them when they won't tell me...I can't just sit idly by and think it'll work itself out...the world isn't like it used to be when I was a kid...this world now is scary as heck...and the only thing I can offer my kids IMO (let me add that in case someone wants to jump on me for something I've said here) IMO is to watch them...help them, talk to them, love them even when I think they're unlovable sometimes and they drive me to the brink...cuz if I don't--someone else will...and that devil never sleeps.

I am so mad right now. Mad at myself for not knowing, but I know I can't help EVERYBODY...much as I'd like to, especially the youth...mad at her parents for not reaching her...mad at my family for not reaching out to her...mad at the world for making it possible for this precious kiddo to think that there was no hope for her that she had no alternative but to die. Mad at myself for not knowing that she needed help.

Next project--youth center specializing in youth counseling/peer counseling. Faith based, you bet. I'll be damned if we are losing one more kid out here to depression and suicide, not to mention drugs. I've had enough. Not on my watch.

UGH!

[tuffboi29]

I have an assignment and I have been dragging my feet all damn day.My therapist says that posting in here has helped me a lot.That maybe I should use it as a tool to help me overcome my obstacles.Part of my recovery revolves around my son. A large chunk involves me coping with losing him.

The flashbacks are bad today, but I'll give it a try.


Today was my son's due date.

My Libra baby.

He never had the chance to take his first breath.

His tiny life snuffed out in violence.

I've learned to forgive those involved in my son's death.

I don't think I've ever forgiven myself.

[Jet]

I have an assignment and I have been dragging my feet all damn day.My therapist says that posting in here has helped me a lot.That maybe I should use it as a tool to help me overcome my obstacles.Part of my recovery revolves around my son. A large chunk involves me coping with losing him.

The flashbacks are bad today, but I'll give it a try.


Today was my son's due date.

My Libra baby.

He never had the chance to take his first breath.

His tiny life snuffed out in violence.

I've learned to forgive those involved in my son's death.

I don't think I've ever forgiven myself.

it will get better.

[friskyfemme]

I have an assignment and I have been dragging my feet all damn day.My therapist says that posting in here has helped me a lot.That maybe I should use it as a tool to help me overcome my obstacles.Part of my recovery revolves around my son. A large chunk involves me coping with losing him.

The flashbacks are bad today, but I'll give it a try.


Today was my son's due date.

My Libra baby.

He never had the chance to take his first breath.

His tiny life snuffed out in violence.

I've learned to forgive those involved in my son's death.

I don't think I've ever forgiven myself.
Wrapping you in loving energy. I think most of us find it hard to forgive ourselves. gving However, forgiving and forgetting are two different things. You don't have to forget what you've suffered and are suffering now, forgiving is only about releasing the emotional energy surrounding the tragedy. Blessings to you.

[Jet]

I want to thank everyone who recognizes my posts with your thanks. I think its important to share anything that may help each of us—even if its relaying the fact that you even have PTSD. I've mentioned before that PTSD for me is Post Traumatic Shock Disorder. That's not official; I was diagnosed with stress disorder but it does come from a severe shock to my system.

The nature and degree of my condition was severe and so to overcome this is an ever greater challenge. It involves memories, excessive fear, and reliving much of the ordeal daily for me. A lot has left my system and each day I'm on a more even keel. One of the things that I did for myself is everything I could to lead a normal existence daily even being as consumed with shock and neuro-physiological damage.

There were hundreds of days that I lived hour to hour—even minute to minute totally comnsumed in shock. Once I commited to face my ordeal, I began to "normalize" my daily life. Healthy eating, sleep, taking care of small things until they became larger things. Keeping my home clean, my things washed—eventually exercising, and I picked up old hobbies, or things I had always enjoyed before things happened. And there were many times that these were a struggle to do.

The most important thing I did was to stay out of isolation. People have been very good to me, talking many hours and keeping me company on the phone many a night. I will never forget them for the endless hours they kept with me without complaint. You really find out who your friends are.

I made my environment comfortable and as "safe feeling" as possible. I can't stress how important it is to do everything to "normalize" your surroundings
and nurture yourself.

For me, meds didn't work. They help with anxiety but I could never "medicate it away" as my doctor tried to do. I lost out and my life spiraled out of control—even losing jobs—because I was so medicated.

Relieving my PTSD is about letting out pent up fear and shock and garbage that I have internalized for so many years. I'm going give myself a lot of credit here because I could have easily turned to alcohol and drugs—even suicide.

So...
stay strong and connected, normalize and be really good to yourselves. I hope everyone is doing okay.

[Miss Scarlett]

I have an assignment and I have been dragging my feet all damn day.My therapist says that posting in here has helped me a lot.That maybe I should use it as a tool to help me overcome my obstacles.Part of my recovery revolves around my son. A large chunk involves me coping with losing him.

The flashbacks are bad today, but I'll give it a try.


Today was my son's due date.

My Libra baby.

He never had the chance to take his first breath.

His tiny life snuffed out in violence.

I've learned to forgive those involved in my son's death.

I don't think I've ever forgiven myself.

(((((tuffboi29))))) I understand because I have been there too. Losing my children to violence in each pregnancy; the last time left me near death and unable to get pregnant ever again.

Not sure how long it has been for you - for me it has been about 30 years. Like you I have forgiven the person responsible (their father) but never myself. My counselor is helping me through this. I'm no longer afraid of the flashbacks and now face them head on. I will win.

Jet is right, it does get better. It takes time and you are so worth it.

[Jet]

(((((tuffboi29))))) I understand because I have been there too. Losing my children to violence in each pregnancy; the last time left me near death and unable to get pregnant ever again.

Not sure how long it has been for you - for me it has been about 30 years. Like you I have forgiven the person responsible (their father) but never myself. My counselor is helping me through this. I'm no longer afraid of the flashbacks and now face them head on. I will win.

Jet is right, it does get better. It takes time and you are so worth it.

((((((((((((Miss Scarlett))))))))))))

How dare any fucking scum bag hurt you!
Me thinks you're not at all guilty. We're here for you and tuffboi.

[Apocalipstic]

So much loss and pain, yet we prevail. :)

I read this week about the soldiers arriving back from Iraq and Afghanistan with PTSD and how many of them just can't assimilate back into their lives and end up on the street. Made me think of how lucky we all are to be alive and have homes and lives.

Jet, what you said about making things as normal as possible is so helpful. Thank you!

My heart goes out to all of us!

It does get better!

[Jet]

So much loss and pain, yet we prevail. :)

I read this week about the soldiers arriving back from Iraq and Afghanistan with PTSD and how many of them just can't assimilate back into their lives and end up on the street. Made me think of how lucky we all are to be alive and have homes and lives.

Jet, what you said about making things as normal as possible is so helpful. Thank you!

My heart goes out to all of us!

It does get better!

Your welcome. I dont know about anyone else, but comfort and "normalizing" daily life is imperative when you feel like climbing the walls or out of your skin from being traumatized. I'm a big proponent of self-nurturing because no one else will do it for us.

[Miss Scarlett]

Your welcome. I dont know about anyone else, but comfort and "normalizing" daily life is imperative when you feel like climbing the walls or out of your skin from being traumatized. I'm a big proponent of self-nurturing because no one else will do it for us.

I could not have said this better myself. My counselor constantly reminds me about self-nurturing. While hiding in the safety of taking care of everyone else my self-neglect only made things worse for me. I developed a false sense of security that led to, among other things, insomnia, night terrors and some terrible personal choices. The worst of these have not reared their respective ugly heads for a very long time and I credit the "normalizing" Jet speaks of for this. Learning to to recognize and pay attention to the triggers is very important too. I was surprised to learn that some of my triggers were very subtle.

[Jet]

This is a week of sleeplessness. I'm out of meds but they're on their way. The other thing about "normalizing" is keeping a schedule and maintaining sound sleep. I'm exhausted and old trauma things are recurring a bit. But part of it is not seeing clearly because of fatigue. Don't let this happen to you. I'm not mind racing but I am experiencing a phenomenon of short and long term memories—hundreds of them non stop throughout the day and night. I can tell you what belt I wore with what pants in high school; colors, things people said or did, objects, places, music, friends I haven't seen in years—everything is coming back in vivid detail. I've never experienced anything like this. Things are flying out of my subconscious. And it's as though I'm being restored after living shattered for so many years. There's nothing disturbing or frightening—its just exhausting to go through.

[Apocalipstic]

I have been sick and am on Steroids, which really make my mind race too. I keep wondering of I am out of control and my focus is off.

I totally get what you are saying about sleep Jet, if I don't get sleep I am a mess. Even travel to a way different time zone is difficult. It takes me days to get over it.

I kind of feel like a wuss being so easily thrown off my game. Ehhh.

We had a yard sale over the weekend, went through boxes and boxes of memories. Wonderful friends came and helped me though it, or I don't know if it would have happened.

I wish everyone a peaceful evening! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo (f):candle:

[Jet]

Good dinner, exhausted tonight and I'm watching Chinatown which is a favorite movie of mine. I hope I can sleep. Everyone have a good night.

[LipstickLola]

Sweet, peaceful, restful dreams Jet.

[Jet]

Sleep meds came and I'll get back on schedule.

[katsarecool]

One in four women are raped and those are just the reported cases. And that is just one method of traumatizing someone.

A man tried to rape me back on May 2, 1988; I fought him off but not without some injuries to myself. Police were called; he was hauled off with a black eye and a huge hematoma on his forehead. I had to attend sessions at Grady Hospital.

I have been "inappropriately touched over the years by male family members and fathers of boys I dated in HS. These events seem to add up over the years. Though it made me stronger having survived things like this; I still can inwardly flinch when someone tries to overpower me without my consent.

I encourage all women to take a self-defense class if possible. Though in no way would I ever try to put blame on the victim!!!

[Apocalipstic]

One in four women are raped and those are just the reported cases. And that is just one method of traumatizing someone.

A man tried to rape me back on May 2, 1988; I fought him off but not without some injuries to myself. Police were called; he was hauled off with a black eye and a huge hematoma on his forehead. I had to attend sessions at Grady Hospital.

I have been "inappropriately touched over the years by male family members and fathers of boys I dated in HS. These events seem to add up over the years. Though it made me stronger having survived things like this; I still can inwardly flinch when someone tries to overpower me without my consent.

I encourage all women to take a self-defense class if possible. Though in no way would I ever try to put blame on the victim!!!

So sorry this happened to you!

Also on the same note, not just men rape and touch innapropriately, women do too. It is not "less bad" if its a woman.

We all deserve to have control over our bodies and who touches them.

[perfekly_flawed]

I'm not yet comfortable sharing in this thread, but I did want to stop and thank the person who started it and ALL the folks who have contributed with their personal stories and feedback.

It is painful to read things that mirror my experiences or my feelings - but I know it's good for me to know that there are others out there that have felt how I feel and know that it's not easy to just "shake things off".

It has taken very conscious effort to recognize what triggers a "bad time" for me - and do what is within my power to avoid them, but also to breath deeply and flow through those subtle things that happen "anyway" and be okay on the other side.

Back to reading the thread...:seeingstars:

[Apocalipstic]

Welcome Perfekly! For me, it just helps so much to know I am not alone. :)

It is painful to read, but how each of us coped can be helpful, or just having someone to listen or say it will be OK. (f)

I think as soldiers return from Iraq and Afghanistan after serving several deployments PTSD will be even more rampant than it already is.

NO matter why we have PTSD, it is painful and difficult for us, and I hope you and all of us have a peaceful rest of the week!

[perfekly_flawed]

Hi Apocalipstic!

Thanks for the welcome and the very sage advice (and well wishes for the rest of the week).

I was was once married to a US soldier who deployed during Desert Storm. My father was active duty and on board a Navy aircraft carrier during both Vietnam and much later Desert Storm and now I have a 20 year old son who is an MA (navy policeman) stationed in San Diego. I OFTEN come in contact with the same population that you mention and both in extended family and friends. You are absolutely correct in being worried about the folks returning home. The military is not as prepared as it should be to help those young men and women assimilate back into their lives - but I do believe that the attention being paid to PTSD has increased tremendously and there are little pockets of the military where they are doing more - not there yet, but at least the recognition is dawning. I pray for them, for all of us and yes - I count my blessings, every day - even the days when the blessings feel light...

((hug))

Welcome Perfekly! For me, it just helps so much to know I am not alone. :)

It is painful to read, but how each of us coped can be helpful, or just having someone to listen or say it will be OK. (f)

I think as soldiers return from Iraq and Afghanistan after serving several deployments PTSD will be even more rampant than it already is.

NO matter why we have PTSD, it is painful and difficult for us, and I hope you and all of us have a peaceful rest of the week!

[tuffboi29]

I was having a decent few weeks. Eating and sleeping habits had started to develop a rather sound schedule.

It seems though every time things settle there is always a new way to set off an old trigger.

I think tonight has been the worst yet since starting therapy.

I had a horrible attack that almost had me convinced that I should go commit myself.

Nights where the sweating and millions of racing thoughts keeping my heart steadily pounding and my body shaking are the worst for me I think. The most horrible imaginings always seems more possible in these moments. And my inability to grasp and take hold of these racing thoughts leave me weak to their scathing attacks on my character, self-esteem, and confidence.

The "fake it 'til you make it" motto just isn't working for me anymore. It gets almost impossible to cover up sweat beading down your temples when you're in an air conditioned room....

*shrugs* I don't know...It's just one of those nights...

I hope everyone gets some sleep.

[katsarecool]

I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time and I hope things get better much better for you soon!!!!

[tuffboi29]

I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time and I hope things get better much better for you soon!!!!

Thanks hon....

Being able to just come in here and post helps out a lot.

To know I am not the only one who feels like this is also a huge comfort.

[tuffboi29]

I am beginning to think this is the longest panic/freak-out I've ever had.

It started yesterday about 4 pm and now its 9:30 the next morn. I can't seem to get my therapist on the phone and there is no way in hell I'm going there...

Looks like I'm hanging out with FB today. :|

[katsarecool]

I am beginning to think this is the longest panic/freak-out I've ever had.

It started yesterday about 4 pm and now its 9:30 the next morn. I can't seem to get my therapist on the phone and there is no way in hell I'm going there...

Looks like I'm hanging out with FB today. :|My thoughts are with you!!!! Is there someone else you could call?

[Apocalipstic]

I am beginning to think this is the longest panic/freak-out I've ever had.

It started yesterday about 4 pm and now its 9:30 the next morn. I can't seem to get my therapist on the phone and there is no way in hell I'm going there...

Looks like I'm hanging out with FB today. :|


I am so sorry your are having such a difficult time, I am too ugh.
I do have a therapy appointment tomorrow though.

The holidays freak me out more than I care to admit. I know its silly but a lot of my PTSD is family related.

Could you put on some fun music. watch something silly or call someone to take your mind off things?

My head hurts really bad, if I think of anything I will be back.

many hugs to you!

[tuffboi29]

My thoughts are with you!!!! Is there someone else you could call?

Thanks hon...

There's no one really to call. My phone hardly keeps connection anyways.

I did however move into a place w a roommate and she should be home in another hour or so.

She also has the keys to the stupid med cabinet where we both keep our stuff locked up. I really need to get a another copy made 'cause the damn thing is Tuff-proofed. It's almost like whoever made it *knew* I would try to break in. :|

[tuffboi29]

I am so sorry your are having such a difficult time, I am too ugh.
I do have a therapy appointment tomorrow though.

The holidays freak me out more than I care to admit. I know its silly but a lot of my PTSD is family related.

Could you put on some fun music. watch something silly or call someone to take your mind off things?

My head hurts really bad, if I think of anything I will be back.

many hugs to you!


I want nothing to do with the holiday season...And for some reason if you disappear for it half the county comes lookin for you.

I've been on and off the puter..Mostly playing with my Labrador..He's my main stress-reliever.
Hope your head feels better soon..

[Apocalipstic]

I want nothing to do with the holiday season...And for some reason if you disappear for it half the county comes lookin for you.

I've been on and off the puter..Mostly playing with my Labrador..He's my main stress-reliever.
Hope your head feels better soon..

Awwe, dogs are the best therapy ever!

I am so glad you are not alone!

[tuffboi29]

Awwe, dogs are the best therapy ever!

I am so glad you are not alone!



My roommate made it home...but has NO keys...I fired her as my key keeper 'cause she keeps as good a track of it as I do. :|

The keys will be delivered soon; ironically by a pizza guy.

Thanks, though, for coming back in and checking up with me.

How's your headache?

[Apocalipstic]

My roommate made it home...but has NO keys...I fired her as my key keeper 'cause she keeps as good a track of it as I do. :|

The keys will be delivered soon; ironically by a pizza guy.

Thanks, though, for coming back in and checking up with me.

How's your headache?

Maybe a key hook by the door?

My head still hurts, I am so nervous about what to do about Thursday. UGH.

Any better?

[tuffboi29]

Maybe a key hook by the door?

My head still hurts, I am so nervous about what to do about Thursday. UGH.

Any better?


You have a therapy appointment Thursday? Mine is every Wednesday.
Some days I am happy to go..others..smeh..

I'm doing a bit better.

And no..A key by the door is asking for trouble. My pills include some very street wanted stuff and I would rather it stayed in my box.
It's not that I have people around that I *can't* trust...It's that I don't trust anybody.
'Cept maybe my roomie...

Even then..I know where she sleeps. :|

[Jet]

How is everybody today?


http://i489.photobucket.com/albums/rr257/lionoflionsman/Crisisclinic.jpg

[Leigh]

Just wanted to come in and catch up with everyone, I hope your all doing well and I promise to come in more often :)

[Apocalipstic]

You have a therapy appointment Thursday? Mine is every Wednesday.
Some days I am happy to go..others..smeh..

I'm doing a bit better.

And no..A key by the door is asking for trouble. My pills include some very street wanted stuff and I would rather it stayed in my box.
It's not that I have people around that I *can't* trust...It's that I don't trust anybody.
'Cept maybe my roomie...

Even then..I know where she sleeps. :|

Mayeb a hidden place for keys then, same place always and tell no one? That's the only way I keep up with things.

Therapy is tomorrow, Thanksgiving is Thursday. I am supposed to go to G/F's family's house but I dread it to my core....the holidays trigger deep sadness, resentment and some of my PTSD symptoms.


How is everybody today?


http://i489.photobucket.com/albums/rr257/lionoflionsman/Crisisclinic.jpg


Sad,confused.

Wishing I were perfect so I coud be thrilled and happy about the holidays.

I decided that I wanted to maybe make some of the food my Mom used to make when I was little instead of just having to experience someone else's traditions..and if I have to stay home to do that, so it will be. So tonight after I tutor in Spanish I am going to find some fav recipes and make a grocery list for tomorrow.

I am keeping busy and trying to take your advice and keep things as normal as possible.

How are you?

[Apocalipstic]

Traying to not make any hasty decisions while I am this upset.

[lipstixgal]

So sorry to those that are suffering with PTSD. I had a bad day too today. Fighting with the trustee about money and jobs. I have applied to many jobs but no one calls. And I have sleep apnea which I just starting to get used to the mask slept maybe for six hours which is good but still tired and on antibiotics for a sore throat and asthma. I don't want to fight any more about jobs and renting issues anymore with her. She just doesn't understand about being me and my health issues!!

[Apocalipstic]

So sorry to those that are suffering with PTSD. I had a bad day too today. Fighting with the trustee about money and jobs. I have applied to many jobs but no one calls. And I have sleep apnea which I just starting to get used to the mask slept maybe for six hours which is good but still tired and on antibiotics for a sore throat and asthma. I don't want to fight any more about jobs and renting issues anymore with her. She just doesn't understand about being me and my health issues!!


So sorry you are going through this. I hope your evening gets wayyy better!

you would think anyone would understand finding jobs right now is really difficult. She needs to watch the news. Grrr.

[lipstixgal]

So sorry you are going through this. I hope your evening gets wayyy better!

you would think anyone would understand finding jobs right now is really difficult. She needs to watch the news. Grrr.

I have no food I applied for food stamps today in NJ hopefully that will help some. but really jobs are hard to come by. She is a republican and very stubborn about me renting the basement which is illegal and comes with many problems..I really don't want to go to her house for Thanksgiving I'll stay home with my dogs and rest, really don't feel good with the asthma issues and what not. I really need money which I can't get from her..she does need to watch the news and wake up..

[Jet]

I am keeping busy and trying to take your advice and keep things as normal as possible.

How are you?

Hi apocalipstic. I am going through the most horrible time ever, truth be told. But no matter how grim or hopeless it seems, I still do everything in my power to move through as normally as possible. I get up and meet each day, shower, keep my home clean, wash my things, cook and grocery shop and I attend to matters at hand. I have bought everything I need for Thanksgiving and I intend to treat myself.

Normalize.

I do not sit in a corner, drink the days away, wallow in self pity, do drugs or anything that would make matters worse or seal my death. I am enduring things unspeakable. And with that, I have met every complication you can imagine; fucked up Rx meds, fucked up MRIs, hardships, constant setbacks, a frightening state of affairs, incredible fears from memories, terror and shock. Because of the nature of my PTSD nothing has ever helped—hospitals, support groups or medication (other than to sedate for brief periods at a time.) Reality...I am totally in the hands of God and, trust me, my faith is a thread that I am hanging on to.

I live hour by hour, many days, and manage to hang on to anything positive even for moments at a time. This keeps me going. Today, something wonderful in the smallest of ways—my dad. We spoke for about an hour and a half about many things and it brought back memories of me—the way I used to be and the ways I used to feel. Terrific memories that took me out of my pain.

My take for anyone from experience....face the reality of your PTSD, where it's brought you, what's it's stolen—years, opportunities, progress, happiness. You will be out of denial and will have taken the first most important step toward progress. There absolutely cannot be any illusions or denials of any kind at any time. Not saying this is you, but just saying in general. Accepting our state instead of sidestepping our selves or our realities is when God begins to work. He doesn't take it way in the twinkling of an eye, he makes us face it in his strength and through our human nature.

Thoughts in general...

Forge through dark days and try everything you can to recognize any gifts, light moments, reprieves and any positives in your life. Do that so you know and can reaffirm that your trauma has not claimed everything. Know that you are child of God no matter what belief system you have. PTSD can send us to dungeons and unimaginable darkness and depravity in our minds and hearts. But it is not impossible to break through if you are committed to facing and reclaiming your life. Have faith (even as small as a mustard seed, as it goes); do everything you can to self-nurture to keep sane. Send despair, darkness, hardships and anything that seems hopeless to your higher power however you perceive your God to be.

I've had to accept that my life as I knew it is gone. My person as I knew me, is gone—forever or how long is anyone's guess. Recognizing the severity of my PTSD and my state is imperative. Because now, all the cards are on the table. For me, it is do or die and my life is truly in God's hands. And I didn't used to be a prayin' man if you know what I mean. I'm sharing this with everybody to say that darkness and hopelessness and sickness can get unimaginably worse, so do everything to normalize..medication, prayer, support, if you have it, and everything in your space and daily living to make you feel comfortable at all times. I'm still standing and I think you will/can too. So fight like hell.

Try to see the light that you do have. See any positives, every day and never buy into negativity and despair that could lead you into darker spaces. They could just be memories, body flash backs and your trauma trying to get out. Mine feels like a pressure cooker getting ready to blow even though my trauma happened years ago.

I am a victim and survivor of severe trauma and PTSD that has lingered for 18 years. I post openly as someone who can relate from experience. And I contribute my thoughts and experiences for the benefit of you who have actually been diagnosed with PTSD or related conditions such as diagnosed multi-personality disorder, bi-polar or schizo-affective disorder. I don't have a lot of patience outside of this because as a general rule, we don't know how bad bad really is until we have experienced it on mental, physical or spiritual levels. In my case, all three are affected or compromised. My trauma came out of nowhere and to such a degree that I still experience it as my personal 9/11. That's how bad it is and I'm sure that many of you may relate.

I hope we can maintain this thread soley to retain its integrity and intention and as a connection between those of us who have been diagnosed and who suffer on a daily basis. Healthcare can't always be there for various reasons. So to be able to exchange here because we get each other is a nice piece to have.

I wish everyrone the best no matter how varied the nature or to what degree our PTSD.

[Apocalipstic]

Its difficult for me to remember when it all began. here are these pictures of this happy little princess, then suddenly I turn serious and dark maybe around 6 years old...the thing that started it all is vague, but so many things have happened since then. I want to know that sweet little Innocent girl, but I can't reach her.

As I have said, I was doing great until 2 years ago January when my father I had not spoken to in many years died. The memories came crashing back and I saw and heard him everywhere. Actually hallucinating.

Because my father was an evangelist & missionary, I have been very anti God, but recently in addition to therapy I have joined a Wisdom Circle with good results in thinking about a higher power, no matter what that means to each of us.

The holidays are especially difficult. But I go to work every day, the house is pretty clean, most of the laundry done and I am tutoring Spanish one night a week. If I can somehow make it through this week with grace and dignity I will be so proud of myself, because what I want to do from the time I get out of work tomorrow is sit in a closet banging my head on the wall alternating with enough Valium to sleep a week.

I have been going through my Mom's old recipes and I may stay home and fix myself her favorites on Thursday. Every once in a while I will find a letter in her things that let me know how horrible her life was before her death and make me happy somehow that she is not here to be suffering too.

I wish you all the best!

[Leigh]

I hope that everyone is doing better today, I know I've been having one of those days that I just wanna go crawl in a dark room and hide for awhile

[Miss Scarlett]

I hope that everyone is doing better today, I know I've been having one of those days that I just wanna go crawl in a dark room and hide for awhile

I'm having the same day...hmmmmm

But in the middle of today's chaos I realized that the strong reaction I have when I make mistakes is directly connected to the abuse I experienced at the hands of my Mom when I was growing up. You learned not to mess up and make Mom mad, otherwise you were "gonna get it but good."

Example - Something happens at work, either I forget to do something or was unaware it needed to be done, and my boss says something about it. I spend the rest of the day completely on edge waiting for her to come back and say something else, repeat, repeat, repeat... When Mom would lose it she would hit until she was tired and then walk off. In a little while she would come back and do it all over again, repeat, repeat, repeat...

[tuffboi29]

I'm having the same day...hmmmmm

But in the middle of today's chaos I realized that the strong reaction I have when I make mistakes is directly connected to the abuse I experienced at the hands of my Mom when I was growing up. You learned not to mess up and make Mom mad, otherwise you were "gonna get it but good."

Example - Something happens at work, either I forget to do something or was unaware it needed to be done, and my boss says something about it. I spend the rest of the day completely on edge waiting for her to come back and say something else, repeat, repeat, repeat... When Mom would lose it she would hit until she was tired and then walk off. In a little while she would come back and do it all over again, repeat, repeat, repeat...


Have our mother's met? Maybe related? :|
I hear you hon. I had to move out because of that. The never ending mind game of "guess when I'm going to get you".

I am up because my sleep schedule got messed up.
I'm going to try again in just a few.

[Miss Scarlett]

Have our mother's met? Maybe related? :|
I hear you hon. I had to move out because of that. The never ending mind game of "guess when I'm going to get you".

I am up because my sleep schedule got messed up.
I'm going to try again in just a few.

Makes you wonder doesn't it?

My Mom's death in 2007 was devastating. To my surprise it was oddly liberating too. The doctor monitoring my weight loss asked me to be his guinea pig and started me on a combination of 5HTP/Carbidopa back in March and finally convinced me to try counseling which I started at the end of May. (The 5HTP/Carbidopa, prescibed to combat stress eating, also treated what he and my counselor diagnosed as mild depression.) My counselor and I are working through, among other things, the abuse by my Mom.

No wonder I went away to college even when I wasn't ready or was even interested in studying what my parents decided I was to study. No wonder I put an ocean (literally) between us when I was 19 and, except for a couple of short periods of time, did not live in my parents home again. No wonder I was drawn into and stayed in some abusive relationships in my younger years. I'm now 51.

It was bad but not what I call "Sybil-bad" - on the level/type/frequency seen in that Sally Field movie. Mom suffered from pretty severe post-partum depression resulting in a couple of stays in hospital when I was about 4. She had a lot of frustration and anger that resulted in explosions of temper. She could spank or discipline the 4 of us within reason and most of the time she did. But it was the other times, when she'd lose it over something not particularly serious, that she'd turn into a monster. She'd hit and hit and hit; not caring where, how or how hard she hit you. She'd hit until she couldn't hit any more and leave the room. Then she'd come back again and again - pulling me out from under the bed, desk, from in the closet or where ever I was trying to hide/get away from her. I was in high school the last time she did this to me - at that time she also used her fists and kicked me when I was balled up on the floor in the corner of the kitchen.

My brothers were also on the receiving end of Mom's temper as was my Dad - though I only know of her trying to hit him once or twice. My brothers don't talk about it much and Dad refuses to. He wasn't there for the majority of it and I don't think he wants to know about it now.

Interestingly enough when she was able to go back to college and then on to law school her tempered evened out. We got to know each other better, became very close and she actually had respect for me. I worked for her for over 10 years and there was only one incident early on when she tried to hit me. I pulled away before she made contact; stood my ground and told her that she better not try it again or I would have her arrested and her law career would be over.

Mom's gone but her "legacy" lives on and I will conquer this.

[swagger]

LGBTQI PTSD - sometimes I think I should add those to my business card :) ahhh I'm so sorry to read all the sad, brave, sore stories in this thread. Me? Well there's abuse, then there's stuff I witnessed that was too much...details maybe one day, I don't know. The flashbacks have been ferking me up badly lately, but I've maintained most of my good little routines and only pounded my head once in the past rough fortnight. Sometimes I think it isn't the trauma anymore, but simply all the aftereffects and scars. Like the wound healed, but in a dirty, jagged, mismatched way.

[tuffboi29]

Makes you wonder doesn't it?

My Mom's death in 2007 was devastating. To my surprise it was oddly liberating too. The doctor monitoring my weight loss asked me to be his guinea pig and started me on a combination of 5HTP/Carbidopa back in March and finally convinced me to try counseling which I started at the end of May. (The 5HTP/Carbidopa, prescibed to combat stress eating, also treated what he and my counselor diagnosed as mild depression.) My counselor and I are working through, among other things, the abuse by my Mom.

No wonder I went away to college even when I wasn't ready or was even interested in studying what my parents decided I was to study. No wonder I put an ocean (literally) between us when I was 19 and, except for a couple of short periods of time, did not live in my parents home again. No wonder I was drawn into and stayed in some abusive relationships in my younger years. I'm now 51.

It was bad but not what I call "Sybil-bad" - on the level/type/frequency seen in that Sally Field movie. Mom suffered from pretty severe post-partum depression resulting in a couple of stays in hospital when I was about 4. She had a lot of frustration and anger that resulted in explosions of temper. She could spank or discipline the 4 of us within reason and most of the time she did. But it was the other times, when she'd lose it over something not particularly serious, that she'd turn into a monster. She'd hit and hit and hit; not caring where, how or how hard she hit you. She'd hit until she couldn't hit any more and leave the room. Then she'd come back again and again - pulling me out from under the bed, desk, from in the closet or where ever I was trying to hide/get away from her. I was in high school the last time she did this to me - at that time she also used her fists and kicked me when I was balled up on the floor in the corner of the kitchen.

My brothers were also on the receiving end of Mom's temper as was my Dad - though I only know of her trying to hit him once or twice. My brothers don't talk about it much and Dad refuses to. He wasn't there for the majority of it and I don't think he wants to know about it now.

Interestingly enough when she was able to go back to college and then on to law school her tempered evened out. We got to know each other better, became very close and she actually had respect for me. I worked for her for over 10 years and there was only one incident early on when she tried to hit me. I pulled away before she made contact; stood my ground and told her that she better not try it again or I would have her arrested and her law career would be over.

Mom's gone but her "legacy" lives on and I will conquer this.



I have a bad habit of trying to sugar-coat the relationship between my mother and I.
It's only been recently that I have acknowledged that habit.
Well damn it..it sucked...it hurt as she wielded her weapons in her power play game.
It still hurts.

Not too much for chatting it up tonight. Rolling with flashbacks bad. It took me over 20 minutes to type this I'm rolling so bad.
Gonna try sleep

[swagger]

Hugs to you tuffboi, it's freaking horrendous when the horrors from the past batter you like that. I'm going to try to motivate myself to see the doctor next week about getting a few pills per month to deal with the worst nights. Argh....I'm so sorry you're so sore mate.

[tuffboi29]

Doing better in the daytime hours and have everyone kicked out of my kitchen.
There may or may not have been death threats involved. :blink:

So far, so good.

I have been into some very deep thoughts the last month and with that of course comes revelations. Like finding lost pieces to the puzzle that's been messing with you for forever.

Happy Thanks Giving all...

[Miss Scarlett]

I had the opportunity to spend the Thanksgiving holiday in the NC mountains. Yesterday I took a long drive along the Blue Ridge Parkway and spent a long time at the summit of Waterrock Knob (approx. elevation 6400 ft). I buried a few pages of memories up there, off to one side and away from view, under a thin layer of soil. My intention is for the elements to have their way with the paper and take the memories with it.

[Starbuck]

Symptoms of PTSD can include:


Hypervigilance and scanning Yes
Elevated startle response Yes
Blunted affect, psychic numbing Yes
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) I didn't realize it until it was pointed out to me, but yes
Interruption of memory and concentration YES!!
Depression Yes, another diagnosis: Major Depression
Generalized anxiety Yes
Violent eruptions of rage Very Bad!
Substance abuse For a while, yes
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety Yes
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks YES! You feel like you are a robot, watching a movie of yourself from afar
Insomnia YES! This one has been very difficult to control, I'm on medication
Suicidal ideation Sadly, yes, 3 attempts on my life
Survivor guilt Yes


Thoughts?[/QUOTE]

I belong to a women's sexual trauma/PTSD group and I can say that I find great support and even have made friends with many women in the group. With that in mind, I think it's great that you have started this thread, apocalipstic, thank you very much!

[Jet]

I belong to a women's sexual trauma/PTSD group and I can say that I find great support and even have made friends with many women in the group. With that in mind, I think it's great that you have started this thread, apocalipstic, thank you very much!

Welcome. I hope there is input here or people whom you can identify with who might add positives to your journey.

j

[Starbuck]

I am starting to get worse again. New Year's Eve I was supposed to spend with my daughter, but she sent me a text asking that I not come, because she wanted to spend it alone with her boyfriend. I know its not about me. She is a teenager and just wants to spend all her time with him. First real love for her. I get it. It still hurt me a lot. Then my dad started having heart problems and went in the hospital for 5 days with an arrythmia and congestive heart failure. Now he has to have an operation to have his aortic valve replaced. I am freaked out about it.

Now it's hard to get out of the house again. I have stopped exercising. I am staying in my pajamas all day when I don't go out. When I do leave the house, I shake and stammer and stutter. I feel all jittery and want to just go home. Go home and hide from the world. I don't even want to think of transitioning anymore, its all too overwhelming and scary. This is a hard set back, because I was feeling so good before. So hopeful. Now I am just scared and overwhelmed. And very lonely.

Hi, atomiczombie, I'm not here to belittle your feelings, in fact I wish I could offer you a shoulder to cry on. But what I can do is simply remind you to remember to slowly take a deep breath in and then slowly let it out, moment by moment (if need be) if the big picture gets to looking too big. Deep breathing exercises help me when I get scared, angry, or a whole range of emotions. I hope that helped.

[Starbuck]

One more thought I'd like to add, there is hope and treatment available. If you are a Military Veteran, send me a private message and I can tell you what I did to find help. As far as civilians go, I'm sure some research on the internet will yield information on a local psychiatrist/psychologist/licensed clinical social worker that specialize in this matter and it can truly change your life! For those of you who suffer from nightmares, Prazosin (which is actually a blood pressure pill but has been proven to work in soldiers with PTSD) has worked wonders for me and Lunesta for sleep is (IMHO) hands down the best sleep med out there.

[swagger]

I had the worst therapy session in my life yesterday. I usually feel peaceful, that one left me in completely the wrong and weeping space. I'm seeing her again in 2 weeks. I'm fairly confident therapy will get back on to its usual steady, productive and positive track. I've had a freaking (literally) tough month. I've lost the plot all over the damn place, but somehow no horrendous conseuences. I'm going to see my gp on sat morning - I think I need my anti depressant reviewed. Maybe a I need a few sleeping pills. I don't know.

[Jet]

I had the worst therapy session in my life yesterday. I usually feel peaceful, that one left me in completely the wrong and weeping space. I'm seeing her again in 2 weeks. I'm fairly confident therapy will get back on to its usual steady, productive and positive track. I've had a freaking (literally) tough month. I've lost the plot all over the damn place, but somehow no horrendous conseuences. I'm going to see my gp on sat morning - I think I need my anti depressant reviewed. Maybe a I need a few sleeping pills. I don't know.

Hang in. and fight like hell. I'm enduring the worst of my PTSD and have been for about 3-4 months. There's no let up. I do everything to move through it as best I can. If I can do it, so can you.

[LipstickLola]

I had the worst therapy session in my life yesterday. I usually feel peaceful, that one left me in completely the wrong and weeping space. I'm seeing her again in 2 weeks. I'm fairly confident therapy will get back on to its usual steady, productive and positive track. I've had a freaking (literally) tough month. I've lost the plot all over the damn place, but somehow no horrendous conseuences. I'm going to see my gp on sat morning - I think I need my anti depressant reviewed. Maybe a I need a few sleeping pills. I don't know.

I can so relate! (((()))) After some therapy sessions, I want to curl up in a ball and hide, and I allow myself that time to cry, sob, whatever to work through the feelings and get them out. I hope your GP can help you get what you need. Hang tight!
L

[swagger]

Thank you both so much - I'm hanging in there, so are you :)

Half crazed through lack of sleep now, but seeing the doc in the morning.

I wish everyone strength and compassion.

[Apocalipstic]

This seems to be a hard time of the year for all of us.

I am hanging in, but ache all over from being so tense. After a meltdown on Thanksgiving morning, I stayed home alone and managed to get calmed down and had a nice afternoon until people who had been with their families stopped by.

My therapist says I am to tell my family and my G/Fs family that I am not doing any more holidays, It freaks me out too bad and its not worth it for my health.

I am traumatized to talk to any of them about it.

UGH

I would rather sit in a closet and bang my head on something. Silly I know.

[katsarecool]

This seems to be a hard time of the year for all of us.

I am hanging in, but ache all over from being so tense. After a meltdown on Thanksgiving morning, I stayed home alone and managed to get calmed down and had a nice afternoon until people who had been with their families stopped by.

My therapist says I am to tell my family and my G/Fs family that I am not doing any more holidays, It freaks me out too bad and its not worth it for my health.

I am traumatized to talk to any of them about it.

UGH

I would rather sit in a closet and bang my head on something. Silly I know.Good for you!!!!! If you can't tell them about it how about writing a letter? And perhaps visiting them one by one on a day that is not a holiday is easier?

I have to deal with this every freaking year there is a family reunion. My stgep-father was negligent of his children; verbally abusive and sexually abusive to the we girls. So why they promote and dig the family reunion so much is beyond my comprehension. But I get a tight gut every time the topic comes up "Are you going to be at the family reunion this year? and we miss you?" It has been going on for about 12 years now and so far I have not gone pleading some excuse or another. If they missed me so much why not drive the seven hours up here? The reunion is always down there in central Florida for pete's sake.

Thanks for letting me rant and rave about my crazy co-dependent family!!!

[Leigh]

I just wanted to come in and say hello to everyone, I hope your all doing well and that the holidays will be better as time goes on ........ I wish that all of us get through this time of year better than before, ready to tackle a new year with vigour and knowledge that we are worth fighting for :heartbeat:

[Apocalipstic]

Good for you!!!!! If you can't tell them about it how about writing a letter? And perhaps visiting them one by one on a day that is not a holiday is easier?

I have to deal with this every freaking year there is a family reunion. My stgep-father was negligent of his children; verbally abusive and sexually abusive to the we girls. So why they promote and dig the family reunion so much is beyond my comprehension. But I get a tight gut every time the topic comes up "Are you going to be at the family reunion this year? and we miss you?" It has been going on for about 12 years now and so far I have not gone pleading some excuse or another. If they missed me so much why not drive the seven hours up here? The reunion is always down there in central Florida for pete's sake.

Thanks for letting me rant and rave about my crazy co-dependent family!!!

my family has a reunion in the Summer and on Christmas eve. I HATE it....and I have carried it over to hate going to my G/Fs family stuff too. Its loud, there is screaming, lots fo sudden movement, controlling behavior and cameras flashing.

I like the letter idea, may work fine with my family. I wish my G/F felt OK telling her parents I am a freak, but she lies to them, so I feel like I need to take over and stop the lies and excuses all around.

I don't do family holidays. Last year I said I would go, then ctried all day and did nto go.....then was bathed in guilt for months to a really disfunctional and ridiculous degree.

I hope we can both get a better grip. Though my parents are dead, the abuse is still in my head.

[Apocalipstic]

I just wanted to come in and say hello to everyone, I hope your all doing well and that the holidays will be better as time goes on ........ I wish that all of us get through this time of year better than before, ready to tackle a new year with vigour and knowledge that we are worth fighting for :heartbeat:

Thank you! I hope so too. Just have to get the balls up enough enough to talk to some people who WAY stress me out and tell then I just can't go through this any more.

[Leigh]

Thank you! I hope so too. Just have to get the balls up enough enough to talk to some people who WAY stress me out and tell then I just can't go through this any more.


I've been trying to get up the balls to come out as FTM to the rest of My family and friends other than who already knows, but I just can't seem to do it. Being on T doesn't help either because subtle changes have already begun to happen (like abit more facial hair) and yet everytime I hear "she" or "her" or "girl" I wanna scream :explode:

[Starbuck]

my family has a reunion in the Summer and on Christmas eve. I HATE it....and I have carried it over to hate going to my G/Fs family stuff too. Its loud, there is screaming, lots fo sudden movement, controlling behavior and cameras flashing.

I like the letter idea, may work fine with my family. I wish my G/F felt OK telling her parents I am a freak, but she lies to them, so I feel like I need to take over and stop the lies and excuses all around.

I don't do family holidays. Last year I said I would go, then ctried all day and did nto go.....then was bathed in guilt for months to a really disfunctional and ridiculous degree.

I hope we can both get a better grip. Though my parents are dead, the abuse is still in my head.

I have an idea to get away from all this fuss of the holidays of being with your g/f's family: how about the two of you take a small vacation to a bed and breakfast so that there is NO hustle or bustle to speak of, just a new tradition? If you start looking now, you might find one for a Christmas special.

[Passionaria]

DHCC Treats Wounded Warriors with Accupuncture



ZakXDQ51LN8

[Jet]

It's been some time since I've been in. Hope you're all well. When I first began posting in here I thought I had been tackling my memories and trauma piece by piece, a little at a time. That isn't the case anymore. For the first time in 18 years, I'm seeing/reliving the ordeal as a whole. It has accounted for a complete change in my person, caused losses and affected every aspect of my life. And there's severe injury. I have questions about enduring more, healing if any, and who or what I'll become. I'm on meds, but I can tell you I don't have much of an interest in things and because there's so much shock in my system, that's been repressed for so long, I have that constant feeling of buckling or collapsing. The past couple of months have been spent releasing shock as easily as I can. I wish us all well.

[swagger]

Jet - well done and I wish you strength and love and compassion. I can relate to your process. Got my meds changed, am battling through that. It'll be ok.

[tuffboi29]

Hey all..

I have been rolling with flashbacks for..IDK..2 weeks now?

My EMDR therapy has been halted until I am in a better state of mind to handle it. Revelation after revelation have been battering away at me terribly.

I even ran into a friend that I've known since about fifth grade. I allowed myself to get a bit deep with her and admitted to the abusive relationship between my mother and myself. She looked at me and said the damned thing.

"Tuff..You have to remember that I was there and saw years of it. Why do you think I always dragged you to my house to spend the night? No matter how many times you said things were ok I was so scared for you."

Apparently I'm not as good at covering things up as I thought I was. :|

I'm doing much better at my new house. I have put enough distance between myself and my mother that she couldn't visit even if she had the address.

I hope everyone is doing..well..better than yesterday if yesterday sucked for you..and I wish everyone a good tomorrow.

Take care all..And remember..the worst part of this is the work it takes to get beyond it. There's always a reward for ones work. In our case the reward is peace. You are all in my prayers and thoughts. :praying:

[swagger]

Ergh flashbacks....hugs for you, tuff. Pretty awesome that your old friend tried to take care of you a little back then. And so good that your mother can't reach you! I haven't seen my stepfather in about 7 years and am so glad of that.

So my new meds cause insomnia for the first 10 days or so...I have seroquel to help me sleep and they help a bit. Of course, I'm moving house this coming week....bad timing.

[tuffboi29]

Just checking in. I hope everyone is doing ok this holiday season. I know how hard this time of year can be.

I'm doing really good since the last time I was in.

I'm starting to see a spark of my old self. The confident, happy-go-lucky me.
I even braved a little bit of Christmas shopping crowds. :| I still think I'll leave that one alone for a while.

Also, I have been flashback free for the past 4 days now. Just all around feeling great.

Take care everyone..ya'll are in my thoughts.

[girl_dee]

Flashbacks ... Don't like em

[Nat]

Ugh.

Triggered on top of triggered 3 days out now. A guy in my group of friends has been pushing my buttons since I met him last fall. I made the mistake of trying to explain to him things like not wanting him to touch me, like not wanting him to make sexual comments about me or to me, like not wanting to hear how hot 15 year olds are to him. His response was to post a photo from a friend's wedding - a picture where he had put his arm around me and where I look obviously uncomfortable along with the comment "look at this woman being touched." I felt so violated I wanted to climb out of my skin, but I forced myself to go to my best friend's birthday party the next night, knowing he would be there. I go between total blank to crying to wanting to die and I can't seem to climb out. Oh, and then there's shame and embarrassment and the fact that some of the mutual friends now think I'm princessy and crazy (let's face it - I probably am). I am not a threat to myself - I want to be clear about that - but I am in an emotional hell right now and I hope to crawl out from under it soon.

[Nat]

Doing much better this morning. Not exactly tip-top but much much much better.That was possibly the biggest reaction I've had to something and I am pretty sure it's because I kept trying to force things to be okay when they just weren't.

Anyway, thanks to the few of you who offered me words of comfort. I know it might seem silly but it meant a lot. You get so far out on a ledge sometimes, it's so helpful to remember human warmth and kindness are there.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Nat,

You touched on something that I question all the time...human kindness and warmth. In a way it eludes me because I am different. I always try to be kind to others, and live by my spirituality (both Buddist and Catholic principles). Time after time people let me down. Or I have people who make promises to me, including family members, who disappoint me. I try to make peace with it, and move on. Yes, it still hurts. But what else is there to do? It is a major trust issue for me now. And I guess it always will be. But again, what else is there to do with this? How do you move bast that trust issue?

Flashbacks suck. I hate them. Sometimes they trigger me into having seizures. It is just one thing after another.

Thanks.

Andrew

[Nat]

Andrew -

I don't have any answers or solutions. Life can be very hard and especially in times of trouble it can be very lonely. Even when a person is lucky enough to have people in life who are loving and supportive, sometimes it's hard to see or appreciate because it cannot always meet our needs. I think the most difficult struggles and the most powerful anguish are usually and necessarily faced alone, even with supportive others on the sidelines. Also, even the most supportive people burn out. I think really music has been one of the best comforts to me - music and time to recover when possible. I heard recently that small doses of morphine following a traumatic experience can prevent the development of PTSD but I haven't read anything too hopeful regarding any permanent fix once it's set in.

What is it Wesley said in the princess bride? "Life IS pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

I pretty much agree, though I think there are moments of beauty and meaning which are worth living through the painful bits for.

(((you)))

Natalie

[Andrew, Jr.]

Nat,

Can't take morphine. I am allergic. Anyway, I need to watch all the meds I take being Diabetic.

I am not sure if anyone saw Dr. Phil on TV today. It was on suicide. They had on Thomas Joyner, PhD, who is well known for his research on the topic. But what got to me was that the documentary film "The Bridge" was also discussed. It film is about San Fran's Golden Gate Bridge that takes more lives every day, and how some film crew just sat and videotaped them all for a month or so. I cannot believe someone did that. :vigil:

[Turtle]

Life is stranger than fiction. And there was lots of discussion about the film. I'm sure you could google some articles. I don't remember, but they may have used the footage from the cameras that are always on the bridge.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Turtle,

I was just really surprised that it was shown on TV. I have no idea of how that footage was even allowed on network TV with all the rules and regs that the fcc has now.

I have been in S.F. a few times, and only once drove over that bridge. It was a nightmare during rush hour. You are right about the cameras. They are just about everywhere. I remember that part of the bridge. I just never noticed the side where the people are at. But then again, I was the one driving.

[Turtle]

I don't know if you will find this interesting, but I remembered while reading your post - the people always jump off the bridge toward the city, not toward the ocean. Any which way, it's tragic...

[Andrew, Jr.]

I didn't know that. Interesting. It is as if they are hoping for something or someone to stop them. It is horrible.

[friskyfemme]

Ugh.

Triggered on top of triggered 3 days out now. A guy in my group of friends has been pushing my buttons since I met him last fall. I made the mistake of trying to explain to him things like not wanting him to touch me, like not wanting him to make sexual comments about me or to me, like not wanting to hear how hot 15 year olds are to him. His response was to post a photo from a friend's wedding - a picture where he had put his arm around me and where I look obviously uncomfortable along with the comment "look at this woman being touched." I felt so violated I wanted to climb out of my skin, but I forced myself to go to my best friend's birthday party the next night, knowing he would be there. I go between total blank to crying to wanting to die and I can't seem to climb out. Oh, and then there's shame and embarrassment and the fact that some of the mutual friends now think I'm princessy and crazy (let's face it - I probably am). I am not a threat to myself - I want to be clear about that - but I am in an emotional hell right now and I hope to crawl out from under it soon.
(((Nat)))

I certainly relate to ur situation here. Ya know sometimes you just have o be point blank with some people. It is not a reflection on you! It is definitely a flaw in the other individual that he is so disrespectful. I generally am diplomatic and kind when I relay some sensitive info. But, there is a time for an outright 'no holds barred'... get ur filthy hands off of me or I will have to scream it! (and I have!) It stopped!

NO ON HAS THE RIGHT TO VIOLATE YOU! Stand up to this jerk! I know you can!

Wrapping you ribbons of purple energy for strength and justice. Love you Nat

[Apocalipstic]

Thank you all for being here and posting.

I have had a major upheaval in my life and my PTSD is acting up. I am so anxions today I could shatter into a million bits....though in other ways I feel stronger than I ever have.

So very anxious!

I could totally use a morphine drip! lol

[Apocalipstic]

Today is a bit better. I am looking at houses and moving soon and still have a lot of coping to face. I fear I will be keyed up till I get moved and settled.

Trying to focus on the good in my life and remaining calm no matter what.

I want to kick PTSD.

[Apocalipstic]

I broke out in hives all over and had to go to ther doc. Probably nerves. Need to find a place and move asap and try to get things as normal as I can.

[girl_dee]

Thank you all for being here and posting.

I have had a major upheaval in my life and my PTSD is acting up. I am so anxions today I could shatter into a million bits....though in other ways I feel stronger than I ever have.

So very anxious!

I could totally use a morphine drip! lol

Hang in there ((((( you )))))

[Soft*Silver]

I know I am not a frequent flyer in here but I am a lurker...and I dropped down to say my hand is upon your back for comfort, dear one...breathe....there are many of us who ride the waves of PTSD and shatter our boats upon rocky shores....but those shores also reach grassy lines and smoother land...places you have also been before. Get there too...

I broke out in hives all over and had to go to ther doc. Probably nerves. Need to find a place and move asap and try to get things as normal as I can.

[Apocalipstic]

Thank you all for your support! My hives are a bit better after going back to the doc on Friday and Saturday. I hate it that my body reacts like this to stress.

I am trying to focus on getting better before takling moving and all that, am staying with friends.

[Apocalipstic]

Better still today.

Still some hives and that nagging "why do I let myself get so upset?"

Thank you for your suport, it means more to me than I know how to say.

[Sparkle]

As someone who experiences PTSD symptoms from a single traumatic event, I've found it difficult to find information that relates to my experience or providers that can offer me meaningful insight.

I think the article is really wonderful and I wanted to share it.

It focuses not just on the PTSD experience but talks a lot about "post-traumatic growth". It also talks specifically about women's health and PTSD experience.

/snip
"What can these women teach the rest of us? As researchers learn more about what makes people resilient, they hope to develop therapies that could lessen negative responses and promote post-traumatic growth instead. "It's not about getting over it—it's about processing it in the most meaningful way," Tedeschi says. "You still have your fears and grief and suffering, but you have made your suffering meaningful. If you can learn to do that, you can get through the bad stuff in life and find value in the struggle."
/snip

http://www.self.com/health/2010/12/life-after-cheating-death

[Apocalipstic]

What a great Article Sparkle!

I am surprised that there is not more info on single event PTSD, that seems like the most likely scenario. Maybe right now so much PRSD is war related?

I am doing much better. Went to the beach over the long weekend and meditated had some fun and I am amazed at how much just a couple of days in the sun relaxed my mind.

I have started walking when I feel anxious, which really helps and as I remove things from my life which seem to trigger me, my life seems to get better.

Sending peaceful vibes to all the PTSDers out there!

[Sparkle]

What a great Article Sparkle!

I am surprised that there is not more info on single event PTSD, that seems like the most likely scenario. Maybe right now so much PRSD is war related?

I am doing much better. Went to the beach over the long weekend and meditated had some fun and I am amazed at how much just a couple of days in the sun relaxed my mind.

I have started walking when I feel anxious, which really helps and as I remove things from my life which seem to trigger me, my life seems to get better.

Sending peaceful vibes to all the PTSDers out there!

I'm so glad you're feeling better! Amazing what breathing, moving, sunshine and laughter can do! :)

I think the lack of diagnosis and information about PTSD -- is part & parcel of the shifts in our health care system in America.

Insurance companies are running the show:

*numbers of visits are limited,
*Health centers are having patient's sign disclaimers every time they visit, acknowledging their care may or may not be covered at the whim of their insurance company - this discourages insured people from seeking thorough care and advocating for themselves when a health issue isn't sorted after one visit.

*Primary Care Physicians are encouraged to spend 15min or less with each patient
*and they're rewarded for NOT running tests etc.

If it weren't for my neurologist who was incredibly thorough, I wouldn't have received any quality of care after my accident. He did the job of my PCP, my Spine specialist and explained that some of my symptoms were PTSD related, in addition to his own job.

My PCP didn't even request I visit her after the accident and when I did finally see her - she called me: "SHE of the million dollar tests" in a disparaging tone and in reference to all of the tests my neurologist ordered. (needless to say I "fired" her)

In terms of my PTSD I was very lucky that I already had a good therapist who was able to walk me through the first 6months post accident - when my PTSD was at its highest.

[Apocalipstic]

I'm so glad you're feeling better! Amazing what breathing, moving, sunshine and laughter can do! :)

I think the lack of diagnosis and information about PTSD -- is part & parcel of the shifts in our health care system in America.

Insurance companies are running the show:

*numbers of visits are limited,
*Health centers are having patient's sign disclaimers every time they visit, acknowledging their care may or may not be covered at the whim of their insurance company - this discourages insured people from seeking thorough care and advocating for themselves when a health issue isn't sorted after one visit.

*Primary Care Physicians are encouraged to spend 15min or less with each patient
*and they're rewarded for NOT running tests etc.

If it weren't for my neurologist who was incredibly thorough, I wouldn't have received any quality of care after my accident. He did the job of my PCP, my Spine specialist and explained that some of my symptoms were PTSD related, in addition to his own job.

My PCP didn't even request I visit her after the accident and when I did finally see her - she called me: "SHE of the million dollar tests" in a disparaging tone and in reference to all of the tests my neurologist ordered. (needless to say I "fired" her)

In terms of my PTSD I was very lucky that I already had a good therapist who was able to walk me through the first 6months post accident - when my PTSD was at its highest.

My insurance company calls PTSD a "nervous disorder". :| It does pay for some of my treatment though. And I totally get the doc thing, my (now ex)neurologist called me "little lady" and laughed at the "fancy tests" my urologist ran on me. Yeay. The doctor visit should not be more traumatic than the events that caused the PTSD.

I finally found a great psychiatrist and therapist but I always end up paying for quite a bit of it out of pocket. I am lucky that my insurance pays for part of it.

Sunshine does seem to be the best medicine right now! And staying away from things that trigger me. I have been diagnosed with PTSD for 25 years and it comes and goes based on my life. My goal now is to live as simply and happily as possible and to strive to avoid situations that will stir me up. ...though sometimes I know it hurts people's feelings when I can't participate in some activities or just don't feel well enough.

[Apocalipstic]

OK so avoiding situations that stir me up is impossible.

[J. Mason]

Anyone else suffer from being scared over small things after having major surgery?

I had major surgery over a year ago and am not fully healed and I am scared to death about falling.

[Apocalipstic]

Anyone else suffer from being scared over small things after having major surgery?

I had major surgery over a year ago and am not fully healed and I am scared to death about falling.

Yes, that feeling takes a while to go away, but it will as you heal.

[J. Mason]

Yes, that feeling takes a while to go away, but it will as you heal.

Good cuz I can't stand the feelings I have, I am scared about almost everything.

[Nat]

Got triggered tonight for the first time in a long while. Not terribly triggered but still. triggered. And the weird thing about being triggered for me is that I *cannot* communicate effectively when it happens. I just get rigid. frozen. cold. distant. hostile. And just like it's way easier to spend money than it is to earn it, it's way easier to get triggered than it is to get untriggered. There's really no explaining what's going on. I know well enough that time will help. Pretty much nothing but time helps. And I feel split. Part of me in this dark, silent, awful void - and then this other part just floating above it observing it all go down and waiting for my heart and mind to be a safe place to be again. I know it's a matter of time.

Speaking of which, it's past my bedtime. So time for meditation and hopefully eventually sleep. And tomorrow I hope to feel like me again.

[SoNotHer]

I appreciate someone giving voice to this, Nat. Time and sleep help heal. I hope you get a good sleep tonight.

Got triggered tonight for the first time in a long while. Not terribly triggered but still. triggered. And the weird thing about being triggered for me is that I *cannot* communicate effectively when it happens. I just get rigid. frozen. cold. distant. hostile. And just like it's way easier to spend money than it is to earn it, it's way easier to get triggered than it is to get untriggered. There's really no explaining what's going on. I know well enough that time will help. Pretty much nothing but time helps. And I feel split. Part of me in this dark, silent, awful void - and then this other part just floating above it observing it all go down and waiting for my heart and mind to be a safe place to be again. I know it's a matter of time.

Speaking of which, it's past my bedtime. So time for meditation and hopefully eventually sleep. And tomorrow I hope to feel like me again.

[greeneyedgrrl]

i wish i'd known about this thread sooner! i've been really struggling with my ptsd lately and have had several severe panic attacks for the first time in years.. it's comforting to know i'm in good company. :)

[Apocalipstic]

Got triggered tonight for the first time in a long while. Not terribly triggered but still. triggered. And the weird thing about being triggered for me is that I *cannot* communicate effectively when it happens. I just get rigid. frozen. cold. distant. hostile. And just like it's way easier to spend money than it is to earn it, it's way easier to get triggered than it is to get untriggered. There's really no explaining what's going on. I know well enough that time will help. Pretty much nothing but time helps. And I feel split. Part of me in this dark, silent, awful void - and then this other part just floating above it observing it all go down and waiting for my heart and mind to be a safe place to be again. I know it's a matter of time.

Speaking of which, it's past my bedtime. So time for meditation and hopefully eventually sleep. And tomorrow I hope to feel like me again.

(((Nat))) I wish I could just sit next to you quietly like you did for me at Reunion. I get the same way. :rrose:

i wish i'd known about this thread sooner! i've been really struggling with my ptsd lately and have had several severe panic attacks for the first time in years.. it's comforting to know i'm in good company. :)

I still have good days and bad...more good right now, but I totally understand. :rrose:

I hope you can find some answers or just come in here and vent. I did not know how to subscribe till recently (hangs head in shame) but do now and will be in more often to discuss or just listen.

We all have days when we just need to be listened to.

Glad we are still here to live another day....even when that seems like the hardest thing to do. :rrose:

[Nat]

It was an important discussion I had with my mom last night. I think it was anyway. Talking about the underbelly of our family. The secrets in the complicated family dynamic as those who have wounded most have become increasingly frail and in need of care. Looking at the most horrible behaviors and how they affected us all either directly or indirectly or both. It was a good conversation - the two of us satellites of an elderly predator and another who was first prey and then preyed on us in different ways. It's like trying to put mismatched puzzle-pieces together. There are no answers I can see.

The hardest thing is that these were the men I've loved the most, depended on the most. And now they both are facing mortality indifferent ways. I love them both and so does she. Love is a hard thing when it's the kind that comes with scars well-formed.

I have learned to turn away from thoughts that cause me to relive the realities that formed my demons. I have figured out that deeper digging retraumatizes and re-wounds. It makes the groove deeper. But sometimes having a deep-down honest conversation about the history we share and the history we don't seems so necessary. But I'm tired of openin up old wounds.

[SoNotHer]

Beautifully said. Some times, Nat, the only thing it seems we can do is love our best in a state of dark silence and to know that the things unsaid, or perhaps the unsaying of them, is the most we can muster - especially when our hearts are like a palimpsest that testifies to a many-layered pain.

Here's to the well-deserved peace that awaits us.


... Love is a hard thing when it's the kind that comes with scars well-formed.

I have learned to turn away from thoughts that cause me to relive the realities that formed my demons. I have figured out that deeper digging retraumatizes and re-wounds. It makes the groove deeper. But sometimes having a deep-down honest conversation about the history we share and the history we don't seems so necessary. But I'm tired of openin up old wounds.

[Apocalipstic]

It was an important discussion I had with my mom last night. I think it was anyway. Talking about the underbelly of our family. The secrets in the complicated family dynamic as those who have wounded most have become increasingly frail and in need of care. Looking at the most horrible behaviors and how they affected us all either directly or indirectly or both. It was a good conversation - the two of us satellites of an elderly predator and another who was first prey and then preyed on us in different ways. It's like trying to put mismatched puzzle-pieces together. There are no answers I can see.

The hardest thing is that these were the men I've loved the most, depended on the most. And now they both are facing mortality indifferent ways. I love them both and so does she. Love is a hard thing when it's the kind that comes with scars well-formed.

I have learned to turn away from thoughts that cause me to relive the realities that formed my demons. I have figured out that deeper digging retraumatizes and re-wounds. It makes the groove deeper. But sometimes having a deep-down honest conversation about the history we share and the history we don't seems so necessary. But I'm tired of openin up old wounds.

Beautifully said. Some times, Nat, the only thing it seems we can do is love our best in a state of dark silence and to know that the things unsaid, or perhaps the unsaying of them, is the most we can muster - especially when our hearts are like a palimpsest that testifies to a many-layered pain.

Here's to the well-deserved peace that awaits us.

I so get that. The person in my family died 2 years ago and I still struggle to believe he is gone sometimes.

Anything to do with him is very triggery for me.

In trying to find forgiveness I am coming to the realization that the less I delve deeply, the less I flip out. That forgiveness is giving up the hope that my past will change and that really what matters is being present and in the current moment.

That really does not help navigating how to deal with the abusers now I know, but something you all said really resonates...the digging too deep so many times makes it hurt even more.

I always thought that digging really deeply would heal me, but it hasn't.

[Lazy Daze]

What a great thread, and I don't know how I didn't see it until now :)

I have PTSD from a single event. I was severely beaten by a person I was in a relationship with and literally left for dead. I am coming up on my 12th year anniversary of surviving this event on Thanksgiving, and there is not a year that doesn't go by that I don't find myself in a"slump" during this holiday. I too have triggers, and with a lot of support and resources, I am able to identify Most of mine. As most of you feel, I am ashamed and feel an overly amount of guilt about what happened. No matter how much I "prepare" myself for the upcoming holiday and remind myself that it is the past, I still feel hopeless and helpless when the time arrives. As apocalipstic has endured, I too, will be broke out in hives before all is said and done.

I have become stronger with time. Having given myself a confidence booster with my profession, teaching myself that I truly am a strong woman. But one thing is for sure, it never will go away. I am blessed with an amazing partner who understands what I have been through and has given me the unconditional love and support to help me get stronger each and every day.

[Apocalipstic]

What a great thread, and I don't know how I didn't see it until now :)

I have PTSD from a single event. I was severely beaten by a person I was in a relationship with and literally left for dead. I am coming up on my 12th year anniversary of surviving this event on Thanksgiving, and there is not a year that doesn't go by that I don't find myself in a"slump" during this holiday. I too have triggers, and with a lot of support and resources, I am able to identify Most of mine. As most of you feel, I am ashamed and feel an overly amount of guilt about what happened. No matter how much I "prepare" myself for the upcoming holiday and remind myself that it is the past, I still feel hopeless and helpless when the time arrives. As apocalipstic has endured, I too, will be broke out in hives before all is said and done.

I have become stronger with time. Having given myself a confidence booster with my profession, teaching myself that I truly am a strong woman. But one thing is for sure, it never will go away. I am blessed with an amazing partner who understands what I have been through and has given me the unconditional love and support to help me get stronger each and every day.

Holidays are so hard. I will be thinking about you!

The hives are the worst, especially when they wont go away for days. Miserable and frightening!

I hope I never have them again. I hope nothing ever triggers me to that extent again, or you either!

[Apocalipstic]

So I went to therapy and while we agree I am doing incredibly better, we discussed triggers.

I have really been working on forgiveness and moving on with my life, but I get held up when I tell myself I have forgiven something and let it go, yet my body still reacts. I hate that. I hate that I don't have more control that I can't fiiiinally decide to let something go and it just be gone. You know?

My body still has PTSD and always will. Whatever my brain decides, my body reacts differently.

[Apocalipstic]

So in moving forward and getting better there are always glitches that bring everything back. Things that trigger and I am right back where I started. No, not as extreme...but jumpy and hyper vigilant.

I hate that.

[Morgan]

I am really not sure if it is PTSD, but after spending a year in Iraq I have noticed that loud noises make jump a lot more. Certain sounds or alarms cause me to become anxious and hyper vigialant. If anyone is sleeping next to me and touches me while I am trying to fall asleep, I will jump up and yell out. Unsure what has caused this, but I have had to warn people that I have been involved with what to expect, so that I do not scare them. I have learned to live with these feelings....and really have not shared very much about it.

[Apocalipstic]

I am really not sure if it is PTSD, but after spending a year in Iraq I have noticed that loud noises make jump a lot more. Certain sounds or alarms cause me to become anxious and hyper vigialant. If anyone is sleeping next to me and touches me while I am trying to fall asleep, I will jump up and yell out. Unsure what has caused this, but I have had to warn people that I have been involved with what to expect, so that I do not scare them. I have learned to live with these feelings....and really have not shared very much about it.

Im not a doc...but in learning to survive in a war zone you picked up coping skills like beinh hyper vigilant....back home, at the grocery...not so good. :) Read up on PTsd

[ReDo]

Hi,

not ready to really open up honestly don't know if I ever will its just nice to know there are people who do understand though and thank you to those who can. At least I know I am not so alone.

ReDo

[Toughy]

I am really not sure if it is PTSD, but after spending a year in Iraq I have noticed that loud noises make jump a lot more. Certain sounds or alarms cause me to become anxious and hyper vigialant. If anyone is sleeping next to me and touches me while I am trying to fall asleep, I will jump up and yell out. Unsure what has caused this, but I have had to warn people that I have been involved with what to expect, so that I do not scare them. I have learned to live with these feelings....and really have not shared very much about it.

The VA has a number of programs for returning veterans from Iraq/Afghanistan. Please go to a VA and check out what is available to you. You live in SoCal and there are several VA Medical Centers down there.

Go to www.va.gov

As a vet I thank you for your service. Now go and take care of yourself. It's the most important thing you can do. PM me anytime and I will be glad to talk to you. There are several of us vets on this website and any of us are here to lend an ear anytime.

edited to add: you can also go to the Vet Center in your area for help in accessing services. Info is available at the va.gov website.

[Apocalipstic]

Symptoms of PTSD can include:


Hypervigilance and scanning
Elevated startle response
Blunted affect, psychic numbing
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way)
Interruption of memory and concentration
Depression
Generalized anxiety
Violent eruptions of rage
Substance abuse
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks
Insomnia
Suicidal ideation
Survivor guilt


Thoughts?

Thought I would repeat this post.

My symptoms are not as severe as they used to be.

[DMW]

I think all of my hair just turned white from shock.
I wouldn't have believed it...if i had not seen it for myself.
OMG:seeingstars:
OMG

I believe i am experiencing that body PTSD

[Canela]

I think all of my hair just turned white from shock.
I wouldn't have believed it...if i had not seen it for myself.
OMG:seeingstars:
OMG

I believe i am experiencing that body PTSD

I'm so sorry you're going thru this trauma. Just know that you're not alone. ...darkness lasts thru the night, but joy comes in the morning....prayers for healing on their way to you right now.

[Girl Friday]

I think all of my hair just turned white from shock.
I wouldn't have believed it...if i had not seen it for myself.
OMG:seeingstars:
OMG

I believe i am experiencing that body PTSD

I'm so sorry you're going thru this trauma. Just know that you're not alone. ...darkness lasts thru the night, but joy comes in the morning....prayers for healing on their way to you right now.


Very true. You're not alone at all.

Just focus on breathing. And don't forget to accept love from the people who want to give it to you. We always think of ourselves as wanting/being able to "give" love. It's important to remember that if you close yourself off to receiving love you'll miss out on an important facet of life and of healing.

But then...that's just my opinion.

[Apocalipstic]

I think all of my hair just turned white from shock.
I wouldn't have believed it...if i had not seen it for myself.
OMG:seeingstars:
OMG

I believe i am experiencing that body PTSD

I am so sorry you are having a hard time. It is hard to believe some of the symptoms and some of the things we can live through.

Sending healing vibes your way!

Very true. You're not alone at all.

Just focus on breathing. And don't forget to accept love from the people who want to give it to you. We always think of ourselves as wanting/being able to "give" love. It's important to remember that if you close yourself off to receiving love you'll miss out on an important facet of life and of healing.

But then...that's just my opinion.

Great advice!

Breathing is the best place to start. When I am really anxious and in pain, I forget to breathe.

(f)(f)(f)(f)

Love and light to all of us facing PTSD! :candle:

[Glenn]

I just had a PTSD meltdown all over my boss and I just lost my job and have to move with ten furbabies alone:( I'm glad the thread was resurrected..So lets look forward to better days and keep the thread rollin with... Good Healing Survival Vibes Folks!:)

[starrynitesfemme]

Just saying hello, sending good healing energy to those that are having a rough patch. I've had PTSD for 10 years.. ups and downs... round and round... I'm glad this thread is here. *smiles* wishing everyone a peaceful evening.

[DMW]

Thank you so much for your kind words everybody. When i have more time i will come back and say more. Sorry i worried ya all. I'm much better than when i originally posted. Still kinda shocked a bit. But, my hair isn't totally white either. Just some added grey i suppose.Hang Tough and take care.

[Apocalipstic]

Glenn, sending light and healing your way! Small steady steps.

Hi there Starry! :)

DMW, glad you are OK! I totally get the hair thing, my hair fall out in clumps if I ever get sort of upset and it is coming in with lots of gray and white now.

Peace to all of us as we try to navigate life and all the things that trigger us. Sometimes it is so incredibly overwhelming.

(f):candle:(f)

[Nadeest]

Apocalistic, thank you for putting out that list of possible symptoms. I've never been diagnosed except by a general practitioner in the VA system. She suspected that I had it, but wasn't certain. Mine stems from a single event caused by a family member and my reactions to his actions.
Sometimes I think that it would have been easier on me, emotionally, had I had to deal with the aftermath of an extremely severe mortar attack on my company; one that either killed or wounded most of the company. I'd have been better prepared to deal with that, in a lot of ways, as that was part of the job, in the first place. :(

[Girl Friday]

Apocalistic, thank you for putting out that list of possible symptoms. I've never been diagnosed except by a general practitioner in the VA system. She suspected that I had it, but wasn't certain. Mine stems from a single event caused by a family member and my reactions to his actions.
Sometimes I think that it would have been easier on me, emotionally, had I had to deal with the aftermath of an extremely severe mortar attack on my company; one that either killed or wounded most of the company. I'd have been better prepared to deal with that, in a lot of ways, as that was part of the job, in the first place. :(

Because you understand (in a way others may not) the deep seated pain and horror that comes from attacks and losses in the course of one's work, I have the utmost respect for what you've said about a loss of trust from a source closer to home. Thank you for minimizing neither. I've heard people (elsewhere) say one is worse than the other. I think that the abusers of the world enjoy that sort of debate. It always serves to negate certain of their behaviors.

My father (also military) used to tell me that things like patriotism and honor weren't the sole possession of those in the military. I think it was his way of acknowledging that people who didn't choose service to a country as their work or as their method of expressing support for their community/culture were just as likely to feel and experience things typically attributed to military folk. I know that he felt some of my childhood experiences and the resultant PTSD rivaled some of the things he'd seen in more than 2 decades of service. His opinions were validating and that's a requirement in my life, even now. The need for external validation is one of the more debilitating (and humiliating) scars left on me. I am fortunate to know how to work inside that need in a healthy manner --- most of the time. Years later, I still experience periods of panic if I cannot find that input from the people that matter to me. I can think of a particular instance that is present, every day, in my mind right now. It's like a gaping wound that no amount of therapy can heal. Perhaps it is worse because I have had a hand in creating my current circumstances myself.

Your post made me go searching through my mementos for something my father wrote to me when I was in my mid-20s. I'd been engaged in a bout of masochistic, self-destructive behavior after my mum died and I'd been sexually assaulted and he chose to come to my rescue again. In one of his prolific letters, written a month or so after the dust settled, he said, "Some of the things you've experienced are worse than many men I work with could comprehend. I can't understand it sometimes and I'm the person that saw you as a child, understood what was happening and put a stop to it. The first doctor we took you to was the one that explained it to your mother and I in terms we understood. He told us that shell shocked soldiers go through phases that dictate when they can and cannot tolerate input from the world. He warned us that the triggers come from obvious places or even from nothing obvious at all and that men who were effected would sometimes behave in ways their families did not recognize in order to get away from the pain. He called it "building mazes in the mind". (You have to remember that no one had given PTSD a name yet and it certainly wasn't talked about in children. Even your mother's boss didn't want to hear her reasons for needing time from work because it wasn't "polite".) I was ready for a phase when your mother died and ready too in November. I thought we handled it all pretty well, you and I. If the only further price to pay for all that was lost is a failed term at school, a lost job and a totaled car then I count us lucky. The other costs have been high enough for one small girl. You're alive and that's all I asked God for. That brings us to now. Now you've gone someplac [sic] I won't follow. You're the force behind this phase. This is not PTSD acting alone. This is you and I get to be bloody damned angry at you for abusing my child. Being hurt by others doesn't provide you license to perpetuate the damage that's been done but that's exactly what you're doing. You're abusing yourself by continuing the abuse someone else started and you need to stop it. I don't care for your opinion or how you see it, as long as you do see it. I didn't work hard to save you when you were 6 or 15 or 23 so you could take up the reins and pull against me now at 25. We've been through nearly twenty years of effort together. You and your mother and I, we did good work. You're a better person because of your hard work and I'm a better person because of you. Come home for a tick and find north again. It will take nothing from you to be by me. Choose to stop hurting yourself now. Just stop what you're doing and come home."

I felt respected by him in that moment. He held me capable when I was so willing to believe that I wasn't, so willing to believe that I was worthless and therefore deserved abuse even at my own hand. At a time when I was spiraling out of control my father made me feel like everything I "knew" about my life was real, rather than not, and that I didn't have to be a prisoner to it. I suppose it's the particular curse of survivors -- the way they often struggle to believe that something that's happened to them is real enough to matter, no matter how well it is documented, no matter how many witnesses exist. No matter the proof of internal and (more obvious) external scars, we fight tooth and nail with our own credulity. Why we should doubt ourselves is a peculiar kind of hell and aptly named at that. Doubt makes all things worse. He also reminded me that coming home would "take nothing from [me]" which was a coping "game" he taught me when I was young. To be reminded of that game as an adult was one of the best things that could have happened to me, then and now. I've already played the game in my head today and, though I'd forgotten it (again) some time ago, I'm going to try and play it every day.

I don't know why I'm writing. I've forgotten my point. Sorry.

[Ms. Meander]

My current Diagnosis is “PTSD in Remission” – which annoys me because that term makes it sound like it could be lurking around the corner ready to pounce at any moment. Why can’t it simply be “healed” or “overcome”? Then I remember that I don’t give a fuck what they call it because I am better and THAT is a freaking miracle – a miracle for which I have worked my ass off. But I digress. This is not at all my point.

My PTSD was a result of abuse that was ongoing throughout childhood and teen years. By the time I reached adulthood I was a serious mess. I have spent my entire adult life in every kind of therapy I could get my hands on. For a large portion of that time I was just lost in the mental health system and often overmedicated. I was so sick and sad, I had no ability to advocate for myself and just took whatever treatment was offered (or not). But I kept at it. Every time I fell down, I got back up --- eventually. Even though it felt like I was not making any progress, I was. Even if it was imperceptibly small. Eventually it accumulated and I started to become able to seek out different treatments to take me through the next steps of the journey. And so now I can say I have tried almost everything and all of it helped a little bit. The main point was to keep going, not give up, holding some small flicker of hope somewhere and faking it until it came back when I lost sight.

So finally, I have some lasting relief from my nightmare. Yet, these recent years I have been sort of stuck – unable to move forward. Upon closer analysis, the theory is this: I must now recover from my recovery. Are you kidding me?! For real. While healing from PTSD I developed many coping skills/mechanisms which I needed to replace older, more harmful mechanisms. But now those are no longer serving me either. For example: I became very reclusive to protect myself from being triggered. Now I wish to be a part of community but it is challenging for me because I’ve never really done it on a meaningful, long-lasting level. I’m lucky to be in a supportive environment now which gives me opportunity for community and space when I want it, so it’s a gentle transition.

Also, I’ve missed out on a lot of “regular” life because my entire life has been engulfed by trauma and recovery. While most people were going to school, starting families/communities, choosing careers etc, I was --- surviving. So I’m kind of starting fresh. Now. Which is very exciting.

Another thing I’ve been working on has to do with how trauma is held in the body and how to release it. Even though my mind is mostly cleared of PTSD symptoms, my body still holds it and the places where it’s holding that trauma create blockages so that no matter how much good stuff I put through, it all gets clogged up in those places - stuck. This feels like my final frontier. I have been working on it and am already experiencing success. It IS possible to release the body memories and heal fully. I’ll keep you posted.

The truth is, I’ll never be normal. Because, even though I am no longer defined by my trauma, it had everything to do with every stage of my development. That can’t be changed. But I think it has made me a better person. I was forced to look at myself, other people, and the world with a depth that I would not have otherwise. I am awake, I am aware. Now I am a strong, wise, compassionate woman of integrity. I have lived through too much suffering to accept anything less ever again. So even if this is just remission, I will never experience my past trauma as I used to. I simply know too much to go back.

Remain hopeful! And don’t ever give up. I promise it gets better.

[Apocalipstic]

Spinning, searing with anxiety when I started reading I am reminded that as long as things are improving and progress is being made, I will someday be okay. Thank you! Truly. Deeply. Thank you.

Decisions I am making and need to make are heavy and hard and sad, but I can't stop. I keep getting up and keep on going. I have these little frenzies of self improvement and move forward, then the darkness creaps in, for a while...but each time I see that there is improvement overall. Really slow progress...

On another note..

I get the struggle between different factions in the PTSD community...as it were, but agree....What happened to whom to cause PTSD should not be the focus. Understanding around the symptoms we share helps us all with healing. The symptoms are the same basically, no matter how they got there.

They are always there, just beneath the surface.

[DMW]

Decisions I am making and need to make are heavy and hard and sad, but I can't stop. I keep getting up and keep on going. I have these little frenzies of self improvement and move forward, then the darkness creaps in, for a while...but each time I see that there is improvement overall. Really slow progress...

On another note..

I get the struggle between different factions in the PTSD community...as it were, but agree....What happened to whom to cause PTSD should not be the focus. Understanding around the symptoms we share helps us all with healing. The symptoms are the same basically, no matter how they got there.

They are always there, just beneath the surface.


Good on YOU to get back up and take steps even when they are hard.
I wish i were so brave sometimes. Sometimes... i forget to breathe like you said. and sometimes i have a hellovah time moving in the right direction!
you said self improvement and moving forward and progress...that is good stuff right there.


And another thing...(on the other note)...i know i don't have a history nearly as bad as others.
So, i don't want anyone here feeling sorry for me or worrying about me. I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD...but, it sure feels like it. i got some of those symptoms...that is for sure. God bless everyone here that feels them and let him take em away.
i know that those symptoms can get better. i have seen it happen.

thanks for the thread and being so brave Apocalipstic.
and thanks for everyone else on the thread.

[Ms. Meander]

Trauma is trauma. Whether you were traumatized for 2 seconds or 20 years, no matter the form of the trauma. There is no value judgement. And there is no need for pity -- only empathy and compassion. We all have to use the same tools to get through the moment and that is what counts.

[Apocalipstic]

:)

One of the things that most helps me is the love of pets. They never question me, or tell me I should chill or that I am being ridiculous. They love me no matter what.

They know when I am upset. They lick my tears away.

[Novelafemme]

:)

One of the things that most helps me is the love of pets. They never question me, or tell me I should chill or that I am being ridiculous. They love me no matter what.

They know when I am upset. They lick my tears away.

AMEN!!!!!!

[Girl Friday]

Good on YOU to get back up and take steps even when they are hard.
I wish i were so brave sometimes. Sometimes... i forget to breathe like you said. and sometimes i have a hellovah time moving in the right direction!
you said self improvement and moving forward and progress...that is good stuff right there.


And another thing...(on the other note)...i know i don't have a history nearly as bad as others.
So, i don't want anyone here feeling sorry for me or worrying about me. I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD...but, it sure feels like it. i got some of those symptoms...that is for sure. God bless everyone here that feels them and let him take em away.
i know that those symptoms can get better. i have seen it happen.

thanks for the thread and being so brave Apocalipstic.
and thanks for everyone else on the thread.

I don't think you should focus on having a diagnosis. I think you should focus on how you feel. That's more important. Really, it is. Chances are you'll have an experience one day that will trigger your feelings and someone will say "aren't you over that yet? it happened so long ago."

Feel free to laugh in their faces. (It makes it easier not to slap them.)

And don't forget to breathe.

[DMW]

Trying to breathe...needing to put this somewhere. Shock and trauma and incoming information ...again...wouldn't have believed it...if i had not seen it with my own eyes. :seeingstars:
So sad. Liars. So sad. you know my chest gets so tight and it cramps up. i feel like an animal in a cage . And a betrayed animal in a cage, at that.
Why do i insist on always seeing the good in people...even, i guess, to my own
detriment. My own sacrifice. No more lamb chops for me. no more
Let the lion out of the cage man.
Easy To Be Hard - Hair the movie musical - YouTube

UPDATED: Cheryl Barnes "Easy To Be Hard" Ultimate performance (film version HAIR) - YouTube

I agree about the pets Apocalipstic...i just lost 2 and that sucks. i wish i had em now.
ok, you can feel sorry for me on that note.

[Girl Friday]

I just had the hardest conversation of my life. I don't know where to go from here. All I can see is down.

Remember the first time someone negated what happened to you? Remember what it felt like when someone you loved more than breathing told you that you were exaggerating or making something up or denied suddenly that it happened? Remember the leaving your body feeling as the experience rushed back to you?

My body feels numb. I feel like I'm going to pass out. And right now all I can think is "It's my fault. This is my fault. It's always going to be my fault." No pity. No emotion. I don't feel a single emotion. My head is just spinning. It's like someone took a chain saw to reality, chewed it into tiny little pieces, and then fed it to me like I was a little kid who refused to eat her green beans, saying the whole time, "Now you know that's not what happened. You know you're exaggerating. You know you're making that up. Why do you have to lie? I can't trust you if you lie. Shame on you. I'm so disappointed. I don't think I can ever trust you again."

Why has reality shifted? Why am I being told that it didn't happen? We've talked twice about the fact that it did. Is it because we view the circumstances differently? Is it because my wording is offensive to you? Is it because I'm less than you? Do you see nothing when you look at me? Are you finally willing to acknowledge that you think me the worthless piece of garbage I always suspected you did? I mean, why hold back? Right? It's too late to hold back now. If I'm the enemy, then you're safe. If it's all on me, you never have to think of me in positive terms again. You get to negate everything I did or said or felt. Just because you didn't like the word I used to describe my experience.

It's so...insane.

[Glenn]

Come with me Folks to Ever Calm Cottage...it is a real place where rose bushes line the walk leading to the door...where a soft pillowy sofa is waiting ...a pretty little table with laced cloth..windows and green grass.. everywhere...looking out onto a peaceful lake... always so peaceful...

[Licious]

Just found this thread. So good to see trauma and PTSD being discussed openly.

And and to the brave souls who are willing to share, kudos.

[Nadeest]

@ Girl Friday It is NOT your fault! hugs hang in there

[Apocalipstic]

I am finding that there are people and things that trigger me, and to be able to fuction and go to work every day and do the things I need to do to take care of me, I have to avoid many of those things and people.

I want to please everyone, I do. I want everyone to know the truth, my truth, but most people can't handle it...they just look at me aghast if I am so inapropriate as to answer in truth to their prying questions...or they don't believe me, even if they were near and knew all along.

I think when they know they did nothing to help it makes it easier for them to sleep at night if they rewrite history for themselves.

Peace is fixing my vaccume cleaner on a Saturday alone with no loud noises, yelling, pressure. I never expected this.

[DMW]

that smiley face on my previous post was supposed to go next to the note about the kitties. i wasn't smiling when i posted. that is for sure.

Apocolipstic...sounds like good advice... avoid the people and places and things that trigger the ptsd. thank you for that suggestion.

[Apocalipstic]

that smiley face on my previous post was supposed to go next to the note about the kitties. i wasn't smiling when i posted. that is for sure.

Apocolipstic...sounds like good advice... avoid the people and places and things that trigger the ptsd. thank you for that suggestion.

It sucks but not as bad as loosing my shit.

[DMW]

It sucks but not as bad as loosing my shit.

what sucks? avoiding the people,places and things...in order not to lose your shit?


or losing your shit and the animals?



cause i lost most of my shit and my shit and my kitties...so, i think it all sucks all around.


i am confused....but, i bet you mean losing your handle or grasp in the crappy situations...yeah, it is hard. i think just recognizing i am having
physical reactions to trauma and drama and need help is a start.

i mean, this i real shit here. i don't think you can fake it and i sure as hell
have a hard time ignoring it or pretending its not happening. it is as though,
i have lost the ability to be calm sometimes. i don't like that. too many stress hormones or my command center is worn out and it is...ground control to major tom...houston...we have a problem.

Natalie Merchant - David Bowie's Space oddity - Live 1999 ! - Lyrics - YouTube

i love that... "ground control to major tom"... "your circuits dead. there's something wrong. can you hear me major tom? can you hear me major tom"
never thought i would feel that way when i heard the song before. even in concert.
never would have imagined it...but, i do. so, what now ground control.?what now?
can i get a circuit fix? and a fried nerves fixed? and feel 20 years younger...heheheheh

seriously,
I don't know how some of the people on here survived it for so many years.
I feel for them, because i think it takes a toll on a person.
All my respect.

hang in there...those who are struggling to breathe

[Apocalipstic]

Sorry, I should have been more clear. :)

By loosing my shit, I mean melting down, or yes loosing my grasp and my handle on things. I have to be able to function.

I have to be very very careful because my body reacts violently to things I think I can handle just fine...but can't and maybe never will.

Loosing things and money is hard, but its just things. Loosing kitties is heartbreaking. I think of them still with me in my mind. When I was little I had imaginary kitties that went everywhere with me, even though my parents hated cats and my father killed kittens. I left my invisible ones on a helicopter in NY and never found them again. I looked and looked. I am still somehow so sad about it.

I don't think any of us are faking, no matter when people think. No matter if they tell me I am using my past as an excuse. I try not to be angry when someone says something like that and just be glad they really don't know how PTSD is and hope they never ever know.

I think my body can't handle bursts of adrenaline any more. Fear, anger, even though I take medication, if I get upset my body reacts. Even on anniversary dates of great stresses, my body knows even if my brain has forgotten.

Things that help for me? Walks, acupuncture, reading, Oprah's life lessons on her new channel OWN, Course in Miracles, candles, prayer, music, dancing, writing, getting plenty of rest even if I can't actually sleep.


I very much relate to Major Tom and also to The Wall (Pink Floyd). Sometimes I am so close, I can't listen to them.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in love, breathe out fear.

[Apocalipstic]

If you should go skating
On the thin ice of modern life
Dragging behind you the silent reproach
Of a million tear-stained eyes
Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice
Appears under your feet.
You slip out of your depth and out of your mind
With your fear flowing out behind you
As you claw the thin ice

[Girl Friday]

I'm just stopping by to say thank you to everyone for being so honest and so open about their experiences. Thank you also for reminding me that everyone has a breaking point and sometimes the breaking point can rob a person of their sanity.

When I was younger and having a moment when I was spiraling downward, my dad used to tell me to come home for a visit. He called it "finding north". At about 3:30 yesterday morning I realized that a recent and significant loss in my personal life equates to the loss of my compass. In short, I'm not sure where north is anymore. So...I'm going to go hang out with that concept and hope that things change. It can't fix what went wrong, but it will prevent further harm.

Take care everyone. Don't forget to breathe.

[yotlyolqualli]

I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until two years ago. There are so many things that I've been through, some of my own doing, that sometimes it amazes me that I can crawl out of bed in the mornings.

I'm not going into great detail here, I'd rather not relive the details.

Molested at age 5, neighbor boy.
Molested at age 7, brother (I have to say here, that what happened with my brother, would probably have not even registered, if not for the previous abuse)
Molested at age 9, female cousin
Molested at age 10, elementery school janitor.


The first happened in the dark basement of an abandoned house, our old house. Daddy had built us a new one.
Home no longer felt safe for me. I became terrified of the dark.

The second happened in our new home.
No where felt safe to me, except my woods.

The third happened in my woods.
I was devastated.

The fourth took place over a two week period in the basement of my elementery school.
I had no where to go. He had his daughter call my house and ask for me, then he would get on the phone and just breathe. He was a very heavy man, bald, smelly.
I became perpetually terrified that he would kill my parents and siblings and take me away. A threat he made often.

Of all the incidents, I recall each one in vivid detail. Except, I never remembered what happened in that school basement. I remember him meeting me at the top of the stairs, touching my ass as we walked down those stairs. This happened every day for two weeks. My next clear memory, on each day, was walking up the driveway, crying. My mother, after two weeks, threatened to spank me if I didn't tell her what was wrong. I did. It stopped.


As an adult, I have been raped, by a woman. I have been whipped, beaten, kicked, bitten, burned, punched, flailed and chained.

There are triggers, that can send me into panic mode. The scent of an overweight man. The sound of his breathing. Being approached by someone from behind. Darkness. Basements. The scent of a cigarette. I never know what will trigger me, but the reaction is always the same.

A sick, twisted, vulnerable, churning of my stomach, a need to self harm, a need to rid myself of that memory, that feeling.

Tonight, in the chat room, I was triggered. Nothing happend that was bad, or wrong. Nothing was said that could possibly be thought of as sick or twisted. But just the same. I felt a need to scream, to cut my skin so that the crawling bugs sensation on it would stop. A nausea, and a NEED to scream out NO! Stop!

I hate being triggered. Something else was triggered as well.

In my last relationship, because my partner was not yet ready to "settle down", I was not permitted to openly show a sexual/or even intellectual interest in her, in or on any public forum. Once, I misposted on her myspace, and her reaction was over the top. She screamed at me, ranted at me, made me apologize to her "toy" (her word) of the day who was so hurt by my comment. Made me go delete the comment from her myspace. The relationship was IRL and she made me feel like nothing, over an online comment.

Tonight, I posted something that was meant to be private, on someone's visitor board. When I realized I did it, I started crying. I immediately tried to do "damage" control. I worried and was, quite literally, a basket case.

Until I realized what I was doing, and why. While the post was definitely not supposed to be seen by anyone but the person I posted too, it was not something that would cause an uproar.

I was allowing my past, to project my ex's abusive behavior, onto someone else. Not fair to her, or me. I am still sitting here, nauseous, but at least I recognize it for what it is. I've been "triggered."

Anyone else out there, that deals with this kind of thing? Most of my triggers have been physical... scent, darkness, sound... but this was purely psychological.

If not for my faith and belief in God, I would have long since gone off the deep end.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Lissa

[Apocalipstic]

I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until two years ago. There are so many things that I've been through, some of my own doing, that sometimes it amazes me that I can crawl out of bed in the mornings.

I'm not going into great detail here, I'd rather not relive the details.

Molested at age 5, neighbor boy.
Molested at age 7, brother (I have to say here, that what happened with my brother, would probably have not even registered, if not for the previous abuse)
Molested at age 9, female cousin
Molested at age 10, elementary school janitor.


The first happened in the dark basement of an abandoned house, our old house. Daddy had built us a new one.
Home no longer felt safe for me. I became terrified of the dark.

The second happened in our new home.
No where felt safe to me, except my woods.

The third happened in my woods.
I was devastated.

The fourth took place over a two week period in the basement of my elementary school.
I had no where to go. He had his daughter call my house and ask for me, then he would get on the phone and just breathe. He was a very heavy man, bald, smelly.
I became perpetually terrified that he would kill my parents and siblings and take me away. A threat he made often.

Of all the incidents, I recall each one in vivid detail. Except, I never remembered what happened in that school basement. I remember him meeting me at the top of the stairs, touching my ass as we walked down those stairs. This happened every day for two weeks. My next clear memory, on each day, was walking up the driveway, crying. My mother, after two weeks, threatened to spank me if I didn't tell her what was wrong. I did. It stopped.


As an adult, I have been raped, by a woman. I have been whipped, beaten, kicked, bitten, burned, punched, flailed and chained.

There are triggers, that can send me into panic mode. The scent of an overweight man. The sound of his breathing. Being approached by someone from behind. Darkness. Basements. The scent of a cigarette. I never know what will trigger me, but the reaction is always the same.

A sick, twisted, vulnerable, churning of my stomach, a need to self harm, a need to rid myself of that memory, that feeling.

Tonight, in the chat room, I was triggered. Nothing happend that was bad, or wrong. Nothing was said that could possibly be thought of as sick or twisted. But just the same. I felt a need to scream, to cut my skin so that the crawling bugs sensation on it would stop. A nausea, and a NEED to scream out NO! Stop!

I hate being triggered. Something else was triggered as well.

In my last relationship, because my partner was not yet ready to "settle down", I was not permitted to openly show a sexual/or even intellectual interest in her, in or on any public forum. Once, I misposted on her myspace, and her reaction was over the top. She screamed at me, ranted at me, made me apologize to her "toy" (her word) of the day who was so hurt by my comment. Made me go delete the comment from her myspace. The relationship was IRL and she made me feel like nothing, over an online comment.

Tonight, I posted something that was meant to be private, on someone's visitor board. When I realized I did it, I started crying. I immediately tried to do "damage" control. I worried and was, quite literally, a basket case.

Until I realized what I was doing, and why. While the post was definitely not supposed to be seen by anyone but the person I posted too, it was not something that would cause an uproar.

I was allowing my past, to project my ex's abusive behavior, onto someone else. Not fair to her, or me. I am still sitting here, nauseous, but at least I recognize it for what it is. I've been "triggered."

Anyone else out there, that deals with this kind of thing? Most of my triggers have been physical... scent, darkness, sound... but this was purely psychological.

If not for my faith and belief in God, I would have long since gone off the deep end.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Lissa

:rrose: Sorry it has taken me so long to post back. I have been and am very very anxious.

I totally get the trigger thing. It can indeed happen when we least expect it. A smell, a song a word and I am undone.

I hate the nausea I feel when I am upset..the burning in my head and ears. How sound pulsates in my head. How I have stims that irritate people I am around.

I have a lot of psychological triggers. Some so bad I hit my head for them to stop. I am learning to set boundaries and just do what I can....if I post something wrong or say the wrong thing I am learning to just let it go and mostly I can...but sometimes out of the blue I just freak and I am a scared little girl again.

Like you, I think the details are not the important thing. How we get through our lives is what matters.

Today I am so anxious, triggered by someone wanting to fix me up with their friend. I don't want to go out with someone I don't know, especially with expectation of sex. HUGE trigger. My brain is on fire. I hate this. I want to be the me people see. Fun and bright and free of the past and pain and the desire to chop myself into little pieces.

Peace to you Lissa! :rrose::rrose::rrose::rrose:

[Apocalipstic]

One more thing.

My therapist told me that predators can tell if a person has a past of abuse and they are drawn to us.

Stay safe. :rrose:

[KayCee]

“When you're born a light is switched on, a light which shines up through your life. As you get older the light still reaches you, sparkling as it comes up through your memories. And if you're lucky as you travel forward through time, you'll bring the whole of yourself along with you, gathering your skirts and leaving nothing behind, nothing to obscure the light. But if a Bad Thing happens part of you is seared into place, and trapped for ever at that time. The rest of you moves onward, dealing with all the todays and tomorrows, but something, some part of you, is left behind. That part blocks the light, colours the rest of your life, but worse than that, it's alive. Trapped for ever at that moment, and alone in the dark, that part of you is still alive.”
― Michael Marshall Smith, Only Forward

This is so true, and every single time you think about it, it hurts as much as if it happened just yesterday.

[Apocalipstic]

Remember that there will be fireworks and lots of loud sudden noises the next few days.

I have to remind myself its fireworks, not guns.

[Glenn]

The air show is happening here and i live right near the lake. One jet flew so low over my house while I got my mail that the ground shook, the sound was nerve shattering, and I could see everything under it. I had an immediate bowel movement right in my driveway, and am still emoting. It reminded me of that hot night my family and i sat on our porch, when suddenly we were looking under a nose diving plane that crashed only a couple of blocks away just missing the house.

[Apocalipstic]

I hope today is better Glenn!

The fireworks always sound like bombs and guns to me. It's been 36 years since I have been a round bombs and machine guns firing, but unless I am mentally prepared it takes me right back.

[aishah]

hey y'all. i keep admiring this thread from afar, trying to decide what to post. so, hi, i'm here :)

i feel lucky because i only had to deal with a small amount of fireworks noise last night. i'm not sure why...this is the first place i've ever lived where it wasn't wild and crazy. i hope everyone's doing okay today. *hugs*

[Apocalipstic]

Thank you Aishah!

I actually went to see fireworks with friends. We sat farther away than most people and I made sure I was calm and centered before we went. I made myself very aware of the fact it was fireworks.

It it had been sudden and I had not been prepared I would have freaked.

I am trying to get out a bit more and participate in life. Preparation really seems to make a difference for me.

[Apocalipstic]

PTSD, the gift that keeps in giving.

I'm looking at it as a gift because it is forcing me to take better care of the me inside, to make sure she feels safe.

We never know when it is going to kick in, blindside, trigger.

In the most unexpected moment, we can freeze, "over-react", jump, withdraw.

Sometimes we have no idea what even happened or why.

[LeftWriteFemme]

Have any of you heard about this project at UNC Charlotte?

Posttraumatic Growth Research Group

http://ptgi.uncc.edu/

[LilyCat]

Thanks for this thread.

I also have chronic PTSD, going on a bit over 20 years now. I have found some ways to cope, however it still effects me daily.

I am not comfortable posting about it right now, but I am thankful to see I am not alone in this.

[CherylNYC]

Interesting article in the New York Times. Animal experiments with this gene seem to indicate that those who have it are less likely to become addicted to drugs, and that they recover more quickly and easily from psychological/emotional trauma.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/08/opinion/sunday/the-feel-good-gene.html

"CHANCES are that everyone on this planet has experienced anxiety, that distinct sense of unease and foreboding.

Most of us probably assume that anxiety always has a psychological trigger.

Yet clinicians have long known that there are plenty of people who experience anxiety in the absence of any danger or stress and haven’t a clue why they feel distressed. Despite years of psychotherapy, many experience little or no relief. It’s as if they suffer from a mental state that has no psychological origin or meaning, a notion that would seem heretical to many therapists, particularly psychoanalysts...."

[Tuff Stuff]

Symptoms of PTSD can include:


Hypervigilance and scanning Yes
Elevated startle response No
Blunted affect, psychic numbing Yes
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) Yes,but less so these days
Interruption of memory and concentration Yes
Depression Yes,taking meds for it
Generalized anxietyYes,just less these days
Violent eruptions of rage No,not these days
Substance abuse No
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety Yes
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks Yes
Insomnia Yes
Suicidal ideation Yes
Survivor guilt Yes


Thoughts?

Now what?

[TruTexan]

Symptoms of PTSD can include:


Hypervigilance and scanning Yes
Elevated startle response No
Blunted affect, psychic numbing Yes
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) Yes,but less so these days
Interruption of memory and concentration Yes
Depression Yes,taking meds for it
Generalized anxietyYes,just less these days
Violent eruptions of rage No,not these days
Substance abuse No
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety Yes
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks Yes
Insomnia Yes
Suicidal ideation Yes
Survivor guilt Yes


Thoughts?

Now what?

I have a lot of that going on with me, most of it actually. I have PTSD, anxiety, can't handle stress,severe depression, and night terror dreams. I take meds for anxiety and depression, and my doctor wants me to try a drug that's been found useful for my night terror dreams. But my primary care physician says nope, I can't take it because of my high blood pressure medication. She wants me to find something else that can help me. Short of just living with broken sleep all the time from the night terror dreams, there is no other treatment for them. I take meds to help me fall asleep, because without it, I can't shut my brain off to do that.
I typically get maybe 4 to 5 hours of broken sleep a night. When the night terrors start , i wake up constantly and it's one dream after another when I fall back to sleep after a while of being up.