Corny jokes

[homoe]

http://stanfordpowwow.org/img/clean-corny-jokes-short.jpg

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQn7aPq-smZzYzhaw-Sq3VHBzTZg7YLA_tTAORbIKYwtnTSOiUN1w

[Canela]

http://stanfordpowwow.org/img/clean-corny-jokes-short.jpg



That's so cute!!! Awww, I really enjoy your corny jokes...(goes off to look for Mopsie)...

[Mopsie]

In honor of the World Cup...

Q. What runs around a soccer field but never moves?

A: A fence

[Mopsie]

Q: What did the bumble bee forward say after getting a goal?

A: Hive scored

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT2cmxzgelhHfv3ZIHnwIFAJRYJ9azBc UTGLgn2n7MAaHVJp25c

[homoe]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/89/a4/fe/89a4fe500d98bcf2473455cecb70687d--puns-jokes-food-puns.jpg

[homoe]

https://image.slidesharecdn.com/jokesinslides-130906090839-/95/jokes-in-slides-61-638.jpg?cb=1378458867

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTIMXczWC0YehmFDK4tAVBvNixICH9ah Gp-TX76aNUIoTnLyj-D

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcShpDnjXemuAm6x58bwWXLn64T-EwPHNV72Lw_QRce6nDXXGXCGBQ

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQJiFGKBz5b9m35rsB9CxSGsfYEOQyI_ rEkt-QcikXKzFKXRuw-JA

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTgdbYwyZwkKpqNlAUTk4AAX_0R3pgkk KMb-2qxyRgN_4etawmR

[homoe]

https://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/01-Jokes-to-Defuse-Any-Situation-At-the-Office-1024x683.jpg

[homoe]

https://gapbagap.us/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/funny-minions-2804004.jpg

[homoe]

https://s4.scoopwhoop.com/anj/jokes/07e35218-ab10-4333-bb08-3dda97e4b7c1.jpg

[homoe]

Why was the strawberry crying?

.
Because its parents were in a jam!

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTNLYjbH33pCGUML9eSy-DUvjtviGQdChJFcbisfkOr7ffpUECk

[homoe]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/0b/77/74/0b7774b5d3780a5123bc7dff5041680b--kids-humor-jokes-for-kids.jpg

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRsl7zAbEdcP0naCkZdmdn0i4PMQC8Bl j9rdVOLWal7gVJCF1jLjg

[Mopsie]

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses!
Waiter: You certainly do, this is a restaurant!

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pony!
Doctor: Don't worry, you're just a little hoarse!

Told my client these jokes this morning - she loved them! :)

(I randomly click on pages in here and read her jokes when she comes in to get her meds.)

[homoe]

https://www.jokejive.com/images/jokejive/2d/2df19414918f4ae9ec2a5dfa8312c767.jpeg

[homoe]

http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/funny-lion-king-jokes.jpg

[homoe]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XIfcw-Qt_I4/T7LZalIXvjI/AAAAAAAAAME/LFLZb2I5tI4/s1600/90986854941709218_3ZcwKzy5_f.jpg

[LeftWriteFemme]

https://quotevision.net/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/funny-quotes-finding-meme-o.jpg

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQuCvCPVJnqYpVCZ4ZSSBi_7cUHZQru0 Rr2Ywoo9E9UY_ak-znz9g

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTly-mjk9hbKP_n9J1atpT13PRgQAc8sru83q43jHvDUPKzMWQU

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQpPTGIgAiO9zs1bBUg6jPXt5FQdHu3G-2mDv1aSoxxkpPexm-6sQ

[Brisa]

.....The phone rings and the wife answers. A pervert, breathing heavy says "I bet you have a tight ass with no hair." (more heavy breathing)
Woman replies, "Yes I do-he's watching TV--whom shall I say is calling?"

:superfunny::superfunny:

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ-DBZ6-kBUz5vdLAv2oe55-4kDeObhUMfUswE1jkTHfERJTCQr

[Orema]

So, a moth goes into a podiatrist's office and starts pouring out her heart. She says, my wife doesn't understand me, my kids don't appreciate me, and my boss expects me to work morning, noon, and night! What am I to do?

The podiatrist says, you should see a psychiatrist. Why come here?

The moth says, the light was on.

:bow:

[homoe]

https://piximus.net/media2/39452/simple-illustrated-puns-that-never-stop-being-hilarious-14.jpg

[homoe]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/8d/03/d4/8d03d419e012f65c1d46bc9e3998b65c.jpg

[homoe]

https://www.onovativebanking.com/images/templates/banking_jokes_4_fb.png

[homoe]

https://img00.deviantart.net/b0d5/i/2016/036/c/0/what_kind_of_horses_go_out_after_dusk_by_arseniic-d9qktqg.png

[homoe]

http://www.atchuup.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/arseniic-puns-FI.jpg

[homoe]

https://i2.wp.com/www.downhomeinspiration.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/kids-jokes-3.jpg?sslu003d1

[Gemme]

It's National Joke Day!!!

:jester:

[Wrang1er]

How did the vacuum cleaner die?

It bit the dust!

What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants!

[ksrainbow]

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river.

One shouts to the other “I need you to help me get to the other side!”

The other guy replies “You are on the other side!”

Ks-:)

[ksrainbow]

A young man was about to play golf when an old gentleman shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could accompany him.

Eventually on the 9th fairway the young man found himself with a tough
shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the
green.

The old man said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right
over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and
hit the ball, which smacked solidly into the tree and dropped to the
ground about one foot from where it had started.

The old man remarked, “Of course, when I was your age that tree was only
3 feet tall.”

Ks-:)

[ksrainbow]

What do cows read?

CATTLE-logs

What do you call sad coffee?

Depresso.


Ks- :)

[A. Spectre]

How do monsters like their eggs?

TERRI-FRIED!

[A. Spectre]

Q. What is the opposite of irony?


A. Wrinkly

[homoe]

https://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/26-Short-Jokes-Anyone-Can-Remember-nicole-fornabaio-rd.com_-1024x683.jpg

[ksrainbow]

What did one eyeball say to the other eyeball?
Between you and me something smells.

Why do we put candles on the top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

Doctors at a hospital went on strike. Hospital officials said they would find out what the doctors’ demands were just as soon as they could get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.

Ks- :happyjump:

[Esme nha Maire]

Spotted in the comments thread to a tech news item that IBM (aka "Big Blue" boo!) bought Red Hat (yay!) yesterday:

"A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint.

The survivors were marooned."

[homoe]

https://imgix.ranker.com/user_node_img/50055/1001095637/original/k-photo-u1?w=650&q=50&fm=jpg&fit=crop&crop=faces

[charley]

Why didn't the skeleton go out trick-or-treating on Halloween?

:2nddaywalker:

He was gutless.

:batty:

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcThX5y2CLWPeDB8DVJjtJh_2VbiwADN4 rPSvePYXSziqaK6dUaO6A

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRUAdGOZt0Y-rTXKxnBxlyYmJ7DC_5ensnQdjSZ-zEut5bWHse0

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRDzIPKh5_ZgLJlutAzsJFYQhg9msQq9 NCEOJ9mf8I6EX0HcLislw

[Orema]

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken!

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

:poc-cool:

[ksrainbow]

Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive?
It had 24 carrots.

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A turkey that can pluck itself!

Ks-

[Kätzchen]

How do you get straight A's?

--->>> With a ruler. :shocking:


Why is a Math book so unhappy?

--->>> Because it's full of problems. :rubberducky:


What did one pencil say to the other?

--->>> You look sharp! :eyebat:


What do you get when you cross a pair of pants with a dictionary?

--->>> Smarty Pants. :jester:

[homoe]

https://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2018/11/raunchy-santa-jokes-youll-want-to-read-after-the-kids-are-asleep-1.jpg?quality=85&strip=info&w=600

[Bèsame*]

What do you call Santa when he stops moving?



Santa Pause🎅

[homoe]

What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke?


This one’s gonna sleigh you!


How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?


Nothing. It was on the house!

[Bèsame*]

why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?


Because they are Santa's star bucks!!

[homoe]

https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0344/6469/files/vet-sign-puns-1_large.png?v=1506302082

[ksrainbow]

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A Claus-terphobic

Where does Santa go to practice how to slide down chimneys?
A chimnasium.

What’s the difference between Santa’s reindeer and a knight?
One slays the dragon, and the other is draggin’ the sleigh.

Ks- :)

[ksrainbow]

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
-Nothing, it was on the house!

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
-A Christmas Quacker!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
-A Holly Davidson!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
-Horn-aments!

Happy Holidays to the many Corny Joke family!

Ks-

[Mopsie]

Did you know that Rudolph the Reindeer never went to school?

He was elf taught.

[ksrainbow]

What happened to the person who stole a calendar on New Year’s Eve?
They got 12 months.

To all who have enjoyed reading this thread and for those of us who have entertained you: A laugh is a smile that bursts!

All the best 2019! Ksrainbow-

[ksrainbow]

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before.
What can I get you?” “Pop,” goes the weasel.

Visitor at a ranch says to a cowboy, “Wow, you have a lot of flies buzzing round your horses and cows. Do you ever shoo them?”
The cowboy replies, “No, we just let them go barefoot.”

I started a web page on a social media site to help those in need in the poultry industry...
Its called: "Help us make hens meet"

Ks-

[ksrainbow]

*My mood ring is missing and I don't know how to feel about that*

*Cow stumbles into a pot field, the steaks have never been higher*

*Irony. The opposite of wrinkly*

Ks- :)

[charley]

There is a lot of talk of the virtues of being vegan vs. vegetarianism,
I think this is all a missed steak.

:)

[ksrainbow]

At the dog park, a lady had two rather large rottweiler dogs.

Being asked the dogs’ names by another park visitor she replied, “one is
called Timex and the other Rolex.”

"Wow, those are some strange names for dogs!" the visitor replied.

“Not really,” the dog owner replied, “they’re watch dogs.

Ks- :dog:

[JustLovelyJenn]

I have to let you all know... This thread is one of my happy places.

[babydollfem]

What did the duck detective say to his partner?
Let's quack this case!

[charley]

I went to that new Mary Poppins restaurant last night.
Super cauliflower cheese, the lobster was atrocious.

[charley]

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar.

Things got a little tense.

[charley]

Before buying a dildo you should think long and hard.

[Mopsie]

https://s.yimg.com/lo/api/res/1.2/izR5dunjv8RpNKHheOyjNg--~B/YXBwaWQ9eWlzZWFyY2g7Zmk9Zml0O2dlPTAwNjYwMDtncz0wME EzMDA7aD00MDA7dz00MDI-/https://pics.onsizzle.com/whale-whale-whale-what-have-we-got-here-okay-was-6014387.png.cf.png

[charley]

Not all math puns are bad. Just sum.

[charley]

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

[charley]

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns.

I soon realised that toucan play at that game.

[charley]

I can’t remember how to write 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

I’m LIVID.

[Mopsie]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcREsZ_iEvKqr1geN15eaJXsN35glOM MlMs9bFvfIPUMkgZTUepd

[charley]

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at work one day
and she just vanished into Finnair...

[charley]

This bloke said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.”

I said, “Is that a fret?”....

[charley]

This is my 10th pun, and last pun for awhile...

So, I sent ten different puns to my online "friends",
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

:byebye:

[Orema]

Q. What kind of bunny can’t hop?
A. A chocolate one!

Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A. Bugs Bunny!

Q. What did the bunny get for her basket?
A. Two points! :basketball:

:poc-cool:

[homoe]

What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare line.

Who do you call when a rabbit needs a hair cut?

The Hare Dresser.

[homoe]

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"


........:giggle:..........

[ksrainbow]

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.



Ks- :thinking:

[A. Spectre]

Me to my plumber yesterday after agreeing on a price for some work.

"I'll see you and your CRACK team of workers tomorrow."

Naturally, I was laughing my ass off in my indoor voice. He did not get it.

[ksrainbow]

Did you hear about the chicken who counted eggs?

She's known as a Mathamachicken-

What do chickens serve at birthday party's?

Coop-cakes-

What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?

A Hensemble-

Ks- :cluck:

[A. Spectre]

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?


Eileen

[homoe]

~~:putting:
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?



In case he got a hole in one.

[Stone-Butch]

How do you keep a bull from charging?

Cut up his Visa card

[ksrainbow]

What kind of vegetable is sold at the zoo?
Zoo-chini.

What kind of socks do you need to plant Zucchini?
Garden hose

Where did the Zucchini go to have a few drinks?
The Salad Bar

Ks-

[Esme nha Maire]

Which gas is the funniest?

Helium HeHeHeHe!

Which element is the best singer?

Lanthanum LaLaLaLaLaLaLa!

Which is the craziest element?

Gallium - it's completely GaGa!

[Esme nha Maire]

What's the best sadism joke?

I'm not going to tell you!

[Mopsie]

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

A: Nacho cheese!

:cheesy:

Q: What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory?

A: All that was left was de brie.

:cheesy:

Q: What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar?

A: Lookin' Sharp.

:cheesy:

[Silk]

What do you call an enchantress who lives on the beach?
A sand witch

What do you call a gathering unattached witches?
Craft singles

[ksrainbow]

Q: Why did the traffic light turn red? A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Q: What stays in the corner but can travel all over the world? A: A stamp.

Q: What is the tallest building in the world? A: The library! It has the most stories!

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!

TGIF!

Ks- :)

[Kätzchen]

https://i.pinimg.com/236x/e5/d5/35/e5d535e2d0c9653854e82448040b8279--kid-jokes-stupid-jokes.jpg

[ksrainbow]

What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re pointless!

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look, I’m changing

What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner’s on me tonight.

Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!

TGIF!

ks-

[Silk]

Two people walk into a bar and the third one ducks.

[Kätzchen]

https://ilifejourney.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/funny_christmas_12.jpg

[Kätzchen]

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ULEBmIw8JvI/VppTuDjXtqI/AAAAAAAAedo/2uv9_P4cMmQ/s1600/far-side-cats.jpg

[Kätzchen]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BnHzmmyIAAAT6VH.jpg

[Orema]

Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs!

[A. Spectre]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick


Why can't your ear be 12 inches long?

Because then, it would be a foot.


What's a restaurant on the moon like?

It has no atmosphere.


Why don't you buy things with velcro?

It's a rip-off.

[Kätzchen]

Nurse to doctor: "Doctor, there's an invisible patient in the waiting room!"

Doctor to nurse: "Tell them I can't see them right now."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Why do kids put sugar under their pillow at night?

So they can have sweet dreams.

:moonstars:

[JustLovelyJenn]

What did the ocean say to the shore??


NOTHING... it just waved.

[Stone-Butch]

What did the owl say when he forgot his music lessons?
I don't give a hoot.

Where do chickens go for a beach vacation?
Sandy Eggo

What does a ghost eat for breakfast?
Scream of Wheat

Why were the baby blueberries crying?
Their mother was in a jam.

[ksrainbow]

As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign...
"Danger! Beware of Dog!”
Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of? he asks the owner.
That’s him, comes the reply.
He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?
Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.

[Kätzchen]

http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/doctor-humor1.jpg

[Kätzchen]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/3a/3c/2d/3a3c2d88386508877c6d0a8308cf34aa.jpg

[Kätzchen]

Q: What do you call a person who draws amusing pictures of motor vehicles?

A: A Car-toonist.

[Kätzchen]

Q: What do you call a song sung in the car?

A: A Car-tune.

[Stone-Butch]

Why did the football coach go to his piggy bank?
To get his quarter back.

How would you cut an ocean in two?
With a sea saw

What is potato's favorite show?
Mash.

Why did the muddy duck cross the road twice?
It was a dirty double crosser.

[A. Spectre]

I don't like German sausage jokes.

They're the wurst.

[Kätzchen]

The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

“Take only ONE. God is watching.”


Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had left a written note:

“Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

[Kätzchen]

Q: How do bees get to school?
A: By school buzz.


Q: What flies around a kindergarten room at night?
A: The alpha-bat.


Q: What did the ghost teacher say to the class?
A: Look at the board and I'll go through it again.

[Kätzchen]

Q: What did the math book say to the other math book?
A: I've got problems.


Q: What did the calculator say to the other calculator?
A: You can count on me.

Q: What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says "Spit your gum out;" the trains says "Choo-Choo."

[A. Spectre]

*What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O' Furniture


*What do you call a bad Irish dance?

A jig mistake


*What do you say to the smartest person you know on St. Patrick's Day?

You're very clover!

[Kätzchen]

*What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O' Furniture


*What do you call a bad Irish dance?

A jig mistake


*What do you say to the smartest person you know on St. Patrick's Day?

You're very clover!

HaHa! Those are terribly cute jokes. :cheesy:

Here's a few I came across the other day:

A) To whoever stole my Microsoft Office: I will find you! You have my word.


Q: How do you make milk shake? A: Give it a good scare.

Q: What kind of car does Luke Skywalker drive? A: a Toy-yoda.

:jester:

[ksrainbow]

What do athletes wear on Leap Day?
Jumpsuits.

What kind of music do you listen to on Leap Day?
Hip Hop.

What do you tell a hitchhiker on Leap Day?
Hop In.

ks-

[Orema]

Where do most people eat on Leap Day?


IHOP.

[Orema]

Why did the monkey like the banana?

Because the banana has a peel (appeal)!

[Stone-Butch]

What happened when the hags broom broke down?
She witch-hiked.

Do flying mammals play ping -pong?
No, they prefer bat-minton.

Why do birds of a nest always agree?
To keep from falling out.

How do you keep a bull from charging?
Take away his charge card.

[A. Spectre]

* Pretentious? Moi?


* How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A fish.


* What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night?

He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

[Kätzchen]

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Sham.

Sham Who?

Shampoo.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Why did the little kid throw the clock out the window?

They wanted to see if Time could fly.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


What did the ball say to the mitt as it was running away?

Catch ya later!

[Kätzchen]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/13/ef/4b/13ef4bc0d12b78603ee9ed41a86b79c4--little-bo-peep-easter-funny.jpg

[Stone-Butch]

What mysterious thing did the astronaut see in the pan?
An unidentified frying object.

Why was night baseball invented?
Cause bats fly at night.

Where do ghosts get their mail?
At the ghost office.

What would you get if you crossed a cow and a duck?
Milk and quackers.

[homoe]

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or Twist?"


OK maybe not so corny, but definitely cute...:p

[homoe]

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, "OK, but I don't want you starting anything in here." :seeingstars:

[homoe]

~~~
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

[A. Spectre]

* A woman calls the fire department screaming that her house is on fire.

The fireman asks “how do we get there”?
The woman says, “why don’t you still have those big fire trucks”?


* Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They each got six months.


* Did you already hear about the zoo that only has a dog?

It was a Shih-tzu


* Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.


* Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store.

[charley]

Because of the Coronavirus and being shut down for a month, the Vancouver Aquarium is now facing bankruptcy

The above is actually happening now here in B.C. as per:

https://globalnews.ca/news/6825917/vancouver-aquarium-bankruptcy-financial-aid-coronavirus-shutdown/

"Ocean Wise, which operates the facility, has applied to governments for $9.5 million, but has not heard back yet."

Perhaps, the Vancouver Aquarium could get help from a loan shark. :)

[Kätzchen]

Q: Why was the little Strawberry crying?
A: His mom was in a jam.


Q: Who earns a living while driving their customers away?
A: A Taxi driver.


Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match.

[homoe]

~~
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

[homoe]

How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

[Bèsame*]

~~
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

I'm still laughing

[Kätzchen]

Q: How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?
A: Ten-tickles.

Q: What's the easiest way to get straight A's?
A: Use a ruler.

Q: What's a balloon's least favorite type of music?
A: Pop.

[Bèsame*]

With so many sporting events being canceled, they're televising the World Origami Championship.

It's on Paperview.

[Kätzchen]

Q: Why could'nt the bicycle stand up on its own?

A: It was too tire'd.

[Kätzchen]

Q: What do you call a sad strawberry?

A: A Blue berry.

[Stone-Butch]

A flea and a fly in a flue were imprisoned so what could they do?
Let us flea said the fly. Let us fly said the flea. SO, they flew through the flaw in the flue.

[Kätzchen]

Q: How did the Introvert react to Social Distancing?

A: Now you're talking.

[A. Spectre]

C, EB and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."


A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.

[Bèsame*]

I got mugged by six dwarves last night...

Not happy.

[C0LLETTE]

C, EB and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."


A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.

Corny jokes for smart folks. Still not sure if I got them. lol

[C0LLETTE]

I hate it when people get all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

[C0LLETTE]

The three hardest things to say are:

1. I was wrong.

2. I'm sorry.

3. Worcestershire Sauce.

[C0LLETTE]

Told my gf I wanted to be cremated.
She made me an appointment for Thursday.

[C0LLETTE]

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time she does.

[Stone-Butch]

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back.

A stick


My 3 favorite things: eating my family and not using commas.

[Stone-Butch]

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
Maybe

What do you call someone who has had too much to drink?
A Cab

When is the moon broke?
When it's down to it's last quarter.

[homoe]

What has more lives than a cat?

A frog, because it croaks every day.

[Stone-Butch]

Two bed bugs fell in love and are getting married in the spring.

Did Adam and Eve have a date in the garden? NO they had an apple.

Shortest will ever written. Being of sound mind I spent it all.

[Kätzchen]

https://www.everythingmom.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/riddles1-300x200.jpg

[Stone-Butch]

How do dog catchers get paid? By the pound.

How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.

What has T at the beginning, T in the middle and T at the end? A TEAPOT

[A. Spectre]

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have'?" The rabbit says, "I dunno, I'm only in here because of Auto correct."

[Kätzchen]

What's the hardest thing to sell to a ghost?

Life Insurance

[Stone-Butch]

The moron swallowed his watch yesterday he thought it was time consuming however.

Why are dogs not good dancers? Cause they have two left feet.

Why did the chicken cross the road? For foul reasons.

[homoe]

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

[A. Spectre]

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.....


She told me to stop going to those places!

[Kätzchen]

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dog and a tree?
A: By their bark.

Q: How do you put a baby alien to sleep?
A: You rocket.

Q: How do you know the moon is going broke?
A: When it's down to its last quarter.

[homoe]

~~~
How did the picture end up in jail?

It was framed

[homoe]

~~~~~
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!

[Bèsame*]

You won't believe this...but...
Pretzels are knot bread.

[Kätzchen]

My two son's absolutely went GaGa for the Toy Story characters, Buzz Lightyear and Woody, years ago.
Here is a few clean jokes that I think are so cute.


Q: Why is Buzz Lightyear so good at Maths?
A: Because he can count to infinity and beyond.

Q: What kind of music does Buzz Lightyear listen to?
A: Neptunes.

Q: What did Rex say to Woody after eating a toy?
A: You've got a friend in me.

Q: Why is Jesse undefeated in Darts?
A: Because she always hits the bullseye.

Q: Why did Buzz Lightyear go to school on the sun?
A: To get brighter.

Q: What does Buzz Lightyear like to read?
A: Comet books.

Q: Where is Woody directing his new film, called "The Sun"?
A: It's set in the west.

Q: What did Woody say to Buzz Lightyear?
A: A lot. There were 3 Toy Story movies.

[homoe]

~~~~
Concerned that he might have put on a few pounds, my husband exited the bathroom and asked, “Do you think my chin is getting fat?” I smiled lovingly and replied, “Which one?”

[homoe]

Q. What did the big flower say to the little flower? A. Hi, bud!

Q. Did you hear the one about the little mountain? A. It's hill-arious!

Q: Which fruit is a vampire's favorite? A: Neck-tarine!

Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?

A: Because there are so many plots there!

Q. What do you call two birds in love?

A. Tweet-hearts!

[Bèsame*]

~~~~
Concerned that he might have put on a few pounds, my husband exited the bathroom and asked, “Do you think my chin is getting fat?” I smiled lovingly and replied, “Which one?”

At this time, we all need to take our clothes out of the closet and let fresh air and sunshine get to them. After this stay at home lifted, most of us are finding out our clothes shrunk under lock down.

[A. Spectre]

Perhaps not so much corny, but still jokey.


Last week, while driving, I picked up a hitch hiker.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?

I told him I thought that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time were probably extremely small.

[Stone-Butch]

My gf, knowing how hard it is for kids the first day of class asked me to get our 6 yr old ready for school, so I punched him, knocked him down and took his lunch money.

Mexico called. They want to pay for the wall themselves now.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

[C0LLETTE]

Four more from Bulwer-Lytton:


After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale, Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer.


Fed up with Parisian hipsters using fancy foreign words to describe French food, Pierre decided un oeuf was un oeuf.


After almost twenty years of baldness, Harry finally decided to splurge on an expensive, human-hair wig – after all, four hundred dollars to look twenty years younger was a small price toupée.


Winky the flounder, lying flat on the ocean floor, looked about in horror as he took in the shreds of fish flesh that rained down on him from the massacre visited upon his family by the barracuda gang, and realized: "I'm the sole survivor."

Gotta love good corn !

[C0LLETTE]

Four more from Bulwer-Lytton:


After purchasing an oval Chinese frying pan at the diminutive British aristocrat’s yard sale, Nigel realized that he’d just taken a long wok off a short Peer.


Fed up with Parisian hipsters using fancy foreign words to describe French food, Pierre decided un oeuf was un oeuf.


After almost twenty years of baldness, Harry finally decided to splurge on an expensive, human-hair wig – after all, four hundred dollars to look twenty years younger was a small price toupée.


Winky the flounder, lying flat on the ocean floor, looked about in horror as he took in the shreds of fish flesh that rained down on him from the massacre visited upon his family by the barracuda gang, and realized: "I'm the sole survivor."

Gotta love good corn !
__________________
__________________________________________________ ________________________

[homoe]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcQQKI7LDkk31iIh2-vA928WHXcDnMfWpmhsuQ&usqp=CAU

[A. Spectre]

What do you call a pile of cats?

A meow-tain


Where does the electric cord go to shop?

The outlet mall, of course.


Why didn't the shrimp share his treasure?

He was a little shellfish.


What kind of music do mummies listen to?

Wrap-music!

[VintageFemme]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

You 'neek' up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way.

[A. Spectre]

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?



Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

[Kätzchen]

https://i.pinimg.com/236x/43/37/27/4337273398fb5f21defdd4cc97806210--funny-jokes-for-kids-silly-jokes.jpg

[Stone-Butch]

How do you catch an elephant?

Dig a huge hole and fill it with ashes. Dump in a can of peas.
When he comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.


How do you catch a rabbit?

Stand behind a tree and make a noise like a carrot.


Well they are suppose to be corny eh.

[~ocean]

How do you catch an elephant?

Dig a huge hole and fill it with ashes. Dump in a can of peas.
When he comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.


How do you catch a rabbit?

Stand behind a tree and make a noise like a carrot.


Well they are suppose to be corny eh.


oh my stone ~ you know some weird yokes ~ they were eggsellent tee hee ~

[homoe]

~~
Q: Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?
A: It's too high a price 'toupee.'

Q. Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?
A. Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

[Stone-Butch]

What's the worst weather for rats and mice?
When its raining cats and dogs.

What is the other than obvious difference between a flea and an elephant?
An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants.

In which direction will a tree fall if chipped on both the south and north side?
Down.

[C0LLETTE]

unfortunately not so corny joke

Hitler, Himmler, Goering and Hess are driving from separate directions into a crossroads.

Huge crash.

Whose fault is it?

The Jews, of course.

[Kätzchen]

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?



Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

I like funny Christmas jokes, clean ones. *LOL*

But I saw this tonight and thought it was super cute too.

:cheesy:

http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/funny-christmas-ornaments-christmas-pictures.jpg

[homoe]

https://30bpy449p8t71zsuk1t0y2e2-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/christmas-puns-mint.png




https://i.pinimg.com/474x/b1/6d/30/b16d303ec2ae137e7b5a01f67b5c46ed.jpg

[homoe]

https://30bpy449p8t71zsuk1t0y2e2-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/christmas-puns-santatizer.png

[Kätzchen]

What do you call a Ghost Telephone?

A Dead Ringer.

[Stone-Butch]

A little boy was practicing his violin and his dog began to howl and his dad was trying to read the newspaper. After a half hour of practice and howling dad couldn't take it anymore. Son, he says, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?

It's very sad when you think about it...20 yrs. from now all of todays beautiful young women will be five years older.

BFF to her friend, "I thought you were on a diet?"
Friend, "I am, I'm just eating this fudge to test myself, and so far I failed."

[C0LLETTE]

Two brothers and their donkeys

Two brothers argue on which of the two donkeys is theirs,
so the first man says, ” I’ll cut an ear off of my donkey and the donkey with only one ear will be mine you take the other one”. So they come to an agreement. At night the donkey with one ear looks at the other donkey with two ears in jealousy, and he ends up biting the donkeys ear off. The next morning the brothers start arguing again, one of the brothers says,” alright I’ll cut off a donkeys second ear and the donkey with no ears is mine and you take the other one.” So they come to an agreement. That night the donkey gets jealous again and bites the other donkeys last ear off. Morning comes the brothers are mad and arguing. One of the brothers says,” this is what we’ll do, I am cutting off my donkeys tail and the other one with a tail will be yours.” So they come to an agreement. That night the same thing happens the donkey with no tail gets jealous and bites the other donkeys tail off. The morning comes both brothers are mad. One brother finally yells,” alright fine how about you take the black donkey and I take the brown one”

[nhplowboi]

Took me a minute and I hate to admit that but then it was like...um DUH!Two brothers and their donkeys

Two brothers argue on which of the two donkeys is theirs,
so the first man says, ” I’ll cut an ear off of my donkey and the donkey with only one ear will be mine you take the other one”. So they come to an agreement. At night the donkey with one ear looks at the other donkey with two ears in jealousy, and he ends up biting the donkeys ear off. The next morning the brothers start arguing again, one of the brothers says,” alright I’ll cut off a donkeys second ear and the donkey with no ears is mine and you take the other one.” So they come to an agreement. That night the donkey gets jealous again and bites the other donkeys last ear off. Morning comes the brothers are mad and arguing. One of the brothers says,” this is what we’ll do, I am cutting off my donkeys tail and the other one with a tail will be yours.” So they come to an agreement. That night the same thing happens the donkey with no tail gets jealous and bites the other donkeys tail off. The morning comes both brothers are mad. One brother finally yells,” alright fine how about you take the black donkey and I take the brown one”

[homoe]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/36/11/97/36119779abe76aecf3abd3cf4a41a495.jpg

[homoe]

Why is it so hard to have a good conversation with a goat? Because they are always butting in.

What do you call a baby goat who is sleeping? A kid-napper.

What do you call a baby goat who is good at martial arts? The Karate Kid.

Patient: Doctor, doctor - I keep thinking that I'm a goat.

Doctor: How long have you felt like this?

Patient: Ever since I was a kid.

[homoe]

~~
Q. What do you get when you throw ungrateful kids in to a meat grinder?
A. Bratwurst

[homoe]

Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"....:giggle:

[homoe]

~~~

My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...


He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

[homoe]

~~~
Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden...

[homoe]

~~

The two bears had to break up... they were polar opposites!

How do you know when a bear is moving house? They put up a 'fur sale' sign up.

What do bears pack in their suitcases? Only the bear necessities.

[homoe]

https://ih1.redbubble.net/image.228518893.0250/poster,504x498,f8f8f8-pad,600x600,f8f8f8.u2.jpg

[Stone-Butch]

Sue: I thought you were on a diet?

Mary: I am, I am just eating this fudge to test myself and so far I have failed.



John, why did you run out of the operating room ?
Well Harry the nurse said "be brave"
So Why would that frighten you, thats nice.
No its not, she was speaking to the Dr.

[Stone-Butch]

Waiter "why don't you try some of our delicious smothered chicken sir"
Patron "Don't bother telling me how you killed it, just bring it".

A simple guy walks into an office and asks for a job.
The manager says "in order to get this job, finish this sentence. Old McDonald had a ---->
Oh says the guy "thats easy, Old McDonald had a farm".
Manager says "ok now spell farm".
Easy says the simple guy "EIEIO

[Orema]

Q: Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? A: Because the present's beneath them.

[Bèsame*]

I met some chess players in the hotel lobby.

They were bragging about how good they are.

It was Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

True story:

My sister texted and asked, "What beverages do you want me to bring you from the liquor store?"

I said, "Uhm . . . I don't need any "beverages". Why?

She said, "I thought you said you needed some Christmas spirit!"

LOL

[homoe]

~~
Did you hear about the kid who was scared of Santa?

He was Claus-trophobic.

[homoe]

~~~

What did the judge say to the angry advent calendar?

Your days are numbered!

[Kätzchen]

Q: Where do you learn to make Banana Splits?

A: At Sundae School.

[Orema]

What do you call an Irish spider?
Answer: Paddy long legs!
—————————
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!

:bow:

[homoe]

:clover:

Knock, knock! Who's there? Pat. Pat who? Pat on your shoes and let's get to the St. Patrick's Day party...:giggle:

[homoe]

~~~
How can you tell if a leprechaun likes your joke? He’s Dublin over with laughter! :rofl:

What’s Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O’Furniture.

[homoe]

:tea:.....

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality.

[Orema]

Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?


A: It’s a pain in the neck.

[Orema]

Q: The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it?

A: A coffin.

[Stone-Butch]

Lesson in catching an elephant.
Dig a huge pit.
Fill the pit with burned ashes.
Surround the pit with peas.
When the elephant comes to take a pea.
Kick him in the ash hole.

[FireSignFemme]

Lesson in catching an elephant.
Dig a huge pit.
Fill the pit with burned ashes.
Surround the pit with peas.
When the elephant comes to take a pea.
Kick him in the ash hole.

Somebody should be telling PETA on you

[Stone-Butch]

LOL cute. I love all animals mostly not the human animal. SO, please don't report me. *G

[Orema]

Q:Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?

A: Because hy had no body to take.



Q: Who did the skeleton invite to the school dance?

A: Her goul-friend

[Stone-Butch]

So, how did you find the weather when you were visiting your grandmother?


Oh, I just went outside and there it was.

[homoe]

Q: Know why skeletons are so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin


Q: What do you call a witch’s garage?
A: A broom closet

Q: Why don’t mummies have friends?
A: They’re too wrapped up in themselves.

[Stone-Butch]

Q.) Why did the bike fall over?

A. It was too tired.

Q.) What do you call a pig that does karate?

A. Pork Chop.

Q.) Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants to the game?

A. In case he got a hole in one.

[Orema]

Q: What do you call a chicken that haunts your house?
A: A poultrygeist


Q. Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A. For the Boos.


Q. What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A. It’s a pain in the neck.

[Stone-Butch]

Which state is best known for small drinks?
MINNESOTA!

How do you heal a broken pumpkin?
With a PUMPKIN PATCH!

Where do boats go when they are sick?
To the DOCK!

Why did the man fall down the well?
He didn't see That Well!

[Orema]

Q: How excited was the gardener about spring?
A: So excited she wet her plants.


Q: What did the mother worm say to the little worm who was late?
A: “Where in earth have you been?”


Q: What did the dirt say to the rain?
A: “If this keeps up, my name will be mud.”

[Stone-Butch]

Why can't our noses be 12" long?
A--Cause then it would be a foot.

What do you call a pile of cats?
A-- A meow-train

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?
A-- A receding hare line.

Why does a stadium heat up after a game?
A-- All the fans left.

[Soft*Silver]

Two sheep walk into a—baaaa

[Orema]

Q. What does a Turkey do the day after Thanksgiving?

A. She throws away the peacock disguise.

[Stone-Butch]

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay they would be baygulls.

Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don't work.

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.

What did the fish say when he ran into a wall in the lake?
Oh dam.

[deb0670]

Q:Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A. Cause if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

[Kätzchen]

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks: ”Is it trained?” The parrot replies: ”I’m trained but I’m not sure about my owner.”

---------.---------.---------.---------. :jester:


“I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick,” (Story joke submitted by Jarod Kintz (https://humoropedia.com/funny-clean-jokes/#:~:text=Clean%20Jokes%20For%20Adults%201%20You%20 don%E2%80%99t%20need,dishonesty%20is%20the%20secon d%20best%20policy.%E2%80%9D%20More%20items)). :tease:

---------.---------.---------.---------.

There's a fine line between numerator and denominator. There's only a fraction of people who will get this clean joke. :eyebat:

[Stone-Butch]

1, Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

2,Why do divers exit the boat backwards to the water?

If they went forward they would still be in the boat.

[cricket26]

The Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part anthology.

Parts A-D are free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E.

[Orema]

Why did the fox cross the road?






For free chickens!

[A. Spectre]

My neighbor rang my doorbell at 3 o'clock this morning!


Thank goodness I was already awake practicing my bagpipes.

[Stone-Butch]

Why did the bad chicken cross the road?

For foul reasons.

[Kätzchen]

Where do books sleep???

— Under their covers.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

Q: What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?

A: An elk a seltzer.

[Bèsame*]

what games do reindeer play at sleepovers?

Truth or deer

[Stone-Butch]

why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Cause they lactose.


How do rabbits get to far away places?

They take the hareplane.

[A. Spectre]

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender.

"I'll have a gin and.................tonic."

The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

The polar bear replies, " I don't know, I've always had them."

[Stone-Butch]

What did the horse say after he tripped?

Help I've fallen and I can't giddyup


What did the triangle say to the circle?

You really are pointless.

[Kätzchen]

Did you hear about bailiff who moonlighted as a bartender???

— He served subpoena coladas.

🐾🐾🐾🍸🍸🐾🐾🐾

[Kätzchen]

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have one too.” The third vampire says “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”

The bartender says “So that will be two bloods and a blood lite???”

[Kätzchen]

A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender said “HEY!!”

The horse said “Buddy, you read my mind.”

:cheesy:

[Stone-Butch]

An elf walks into a toy store and starts going over all the toys. Manager comes over and looks at him and says, "excuse me are you suppose to be doing that?"

Elf says "I don't have time to talk I need to get this work done".

Manager says, "how do I know you are suppose to have this job?"

Elf says "I am in the union and I don't need this idle talk"

Manager says "pardon me but how do I know you are registered?"

Elf says "I am suppose to do this, orders from the big guy".

Manager says "not without telling me you are here, you could be a thief"

Elf says "I follow all the rules so I forgot one, big deal"

Manager says "you would have known had you read the SANTA CLAUSE"

[Soft*Silver]

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow!

[Stone-Butch]

I put two in high/low room by mistake. There now two mistakes this year.

[A. Spectre]

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?




Attire.

[Kätzchen]

What do you call a Voodoo Live Stream?

— Twitch Craft.

:jester:

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Voodoo.

Voodoo you think you are asking all these questions???

[Kätzchen]

https://asnowpastachronicles.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/544c878ee55ed57bc27e85502bc81a82.jpg?w=344&h=428

[Bèsame*]

What side of the turkey has the most feathers?

The out side.

I bought 12 bees from a beekeeper. He gave me 13. I told him he gave me 13. He said dont worry, it's a free-bee.

[kittygrrl]

https://tinybeans.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/dillwithit.gif

[Bèsame*]

aha...There was a female reindeer and apparently she was mean.

Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.