Bed Side Preference and Dominance

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Miss Tick

I find this kind of thing very interesting. I'm always trying to understand cultural behavior, how something differs from one place to another. Like how misogyny wears different disguises depending on what country or culture you are looking at. I find it fascinating how different things are culturally here in Montreal than they were in Boston. Everything from driving etiquette (pedestrians have the right of way in Boston, other drivers are cut a lot of slack here in Montreal) to how xenophobia and prejudice against minorities looks from one place to the other. The most fun part for me is the speculation as to why it's different. The driving differences are easy to figure. Amongst other reasons things come up on the road by surprise here in Montreal. There are a lot less warning signs here than in the states. not so much hand holding. So drivers tend to cut each other lots of slack. Coming up with an hypothesis for the difference in how prejudice plays out differently one place from another is more complicated.

I know the safety thing is different here. Whenever we talk about buying a house in some deeply wooded area with no houses for miles or even going hiking/camping for an extended time on some trail through the mountains I always mention how I need to have a gun. My wife always looked both pained and puzzled when I say this. She does not have the same degree of fear for our safety that I have. Granted the word hypervigilant has come up in regards to my behavior by a variety of people over the years, and my life experiences growing up and as a young adult has nurtured this need to protect myself and those I love so I might be a bit of a caricature of American culture regarding safety issues. I truly believe my safety is always at risk. I have gotten better over the past 12 years that I have lived in Montreal with my wife, but it's still there. I honestly don't understand how anyone could not want some way to protect themselves and the people they love. I don't own a gun here. Nobody I know does. This is quite different from where I lived in the US. But I still plan how I will protect my wife and myself from attack. I wish I could say I believe it's overkill. I can understand that the other people in my life do think it is. They pretty much figure it's a quirk of mine, probably because I'm American. Maybe it is. Maybe it's a mixture of growing up in a culture where we are told on a daily basis how unsafe we are and experiencing first hand how unsafe I was. Those two things are a pretty potent combination. I know it fucked my head up. I don't know if it really is as dangerous a world as I think or not. Hopefully not. But either way I always enjoy analyzing things, taking it apart, examining it from every possible angle. To me it isn't about right or wrong, fault or blame, should or shouldn't, it's really just about the WHYs of things. Exploring why things are the way they are is really fun and also important to me.

What an excellent and fascinating post. Thank you. I have to admit, even though I am rarely moved to when I read people posts, I do share you wife's "pain and puzzlement" (though to a much smaller degree, as I don't know you) but I did want to give you a ridiculous hug when I read "But I still plan how I will protect my wife and myself from attack" because in my brain that must be a hard way to live in your head, though I'm sure it isn't. It's possibly even mildly stimulating to figure out the best way to do X.

My brain, when I read that statement, goes "click click click" like an abacus and comes up with 1) personal experience combined with b) cultural back ground c) levels of personality that are just naturally suspicious (that's not a negative or positive btw) d) enjoys planning and coming up with mechanisms of execution for a variety variables therein. If you were having a cup of espresso with me I'd probably start asking you directed question to see if I was right or wrong and adjust as I went along. People are fascinating. And very enjoyable. That that you have questioned the reasons behind your desires and thoughts in both a personable and abstract way, makes me want to cover you in gold stickers lol.

You "get" it. The "whys" are absolutely fascinating, aren't they? And the theories and fun head games to figure out. It does make me fall in love with the universe, every time.

I can no more help this urge to constantly want to "why" about pretty much everything than people can help other basic personality traits and I know it drives others batshit at times. My dad said it found it challenging (I actually called him at 10pm last night to ask him about a couple of points on entanglement theory because I needed to understand something). Without this constant curiosity, I turn grey and droop. Horribly. It's why when I was much younger my brain used to chew on itself and drive me bananas. I thought I was nuts. No, I learned I am just very restless with needing to pick things apart and understand. Like some people need and love to take things apart physically to understand it - phones, cars, coffee makers, switches, computer codes - I do it abstractly and theoretically.

But I am relieved to hear from someone that has experienced a few different sides of a trait or perception. Coming home after 10 years I can see traits in the populace here I didn't know we're here before. And if I mention them, it is *mind boggling* how upset and defensive people can get to an observation that I am not passing judgement on. Just observing. And mentioning. It may be I find it bizarre and difficult to work with, but I don't judge someone as good or bad because of a cultural trait to a locality. It can just be frustrating to learn a way to work around it. Or with it.

It's a massive gift to be able to see where I came from with very different eyes. I can see my culture with outsider eyes. And it's stunning, weird, scary, fascinating, disturbing, funny and occasionally highly irritating.

What you've written is a fabulous snap shot. Thank you!

And people keep telling me I need to move to Montreal, it would suit me better, personality wise. I've only been once and I had an amazing time.


Oh! PS. Of course I want to protect people I love. I can be extremely fierce when I feel threatened or afraid for their safety. It's just I rarely feel threatened. I rarely feel unsafe in that way. I am also extremely confident that I, and they, will be able to handle whatever unforeseen event might happen. I just don't feel the worry. I *have* been very threatened. And hurt. I grew up being tortured by a psychopathic brother that I was left in care of. I was raped quite a few times by quite a few people. But all the hurt and pain suffered, all of the threats and damages has never come from the unknown or the stranger or the boogie man in the bush. The delivery of pain and suffering and damage has always been from people I knew and trusted.

The majority of attacks against my person that have done physical and lasting damage have come not from someone breaking into my home and hurting me in my bed, but from the person already sleeping next to me.

And I know police data gathered about rape, assault and murder of women, only something like 4% comes from a stranger. The boogieman isn't in the bush or outside my window. The boogieman is most often sleeping next to me.