Bed Side Preference and Dominance

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Miss Tick

I find this kind of thing very interesting. I'm always trying to understand cultural behavior, how something differs from one place to another. Like how misogyny wears different disguises depending on what country or culture you are looking at. I find it fascinating how different things are culturally here in Montreal than they were in Boston. Everything from driving etiquette (pedestrians have the right of way in Boston, other drivers are cut a lot of slack here in Montreal) to how xenophobia and prejudice against minorities looks from one place to the other. The most fun part for me is the speculation as to why it's different. The driving differences are easy to figure. Amongst other reasons things come up on the road by surprise here in Montreal. There are a lot less warning signs here than in the states. not so much hand holding. So drivers tend to cut each other lots of slack. Coming up with an hypothesis for the difference in how prejudice plays out differently one place from another is more complicated.

I know the safety thing is different here. Whenever we talk about buying a house in some deeply wooded area with no houses for miles or even going hiking/camping for an extended time on some trail through the mountains I always mention how I need to have a gun. My wife always looked both pained and puzzled when I say this. She does not have the same degree of fear for our safety that I have. Granted the word hypervigilant has come up in regards to my behavior by a variety of people over the years, and my life experiences growing up and as a young adult has nurtured this need to protect myself and those I love so I might be a bit of a caricature of American culture regarding safety issues. I truly believe my safety is always at risk. I have gotten better over the past 12 years that I have lived in Montreal with my wife, but it's still there. I honestly don't understand how anyone could not want some way to protect themselves and the people they love. I don't own a gun here. Nobody I know does. This is quite different from where I lived in the US. But I still plan how I will protect my wife and myself from attack. I wish I could say I believe it's overkill. I can understand that the other people in my life do think it is. They pretty much figure it's a quirk of mine, probably because I'm American. Maybe it is. Maybe it's a mixture of growing up in a culture where we are told on a daily basis how unsafe we are and experiencing first hand how unsafe I was. Those two things are a pretty potent combination. I know it fucked my head up. I don't know if it really is as dangerous a world as I think or not. Hopefully not. But either way I always enjoy analyzing things, taking it apart, examining it from every possible angle. To me it isn't about right or wrong, fault or blame, should or shouldn't, it's really just about the WHYs of things. Exploring why things are the way they are is really fun and also important to me.

What an excellent and fascinating post. Thank you. I have to admit, even though I am rarely moved to when I read people posts, I do share you wife's "pain and puzzlement" (though to a much smaller degree, as I don't know you) but I did want to give you a ridiculous hug when I read "But I still plan how I will protect my wife and myself from attack" because in my brain that must be a hard way to live in your head, though I'm sure it isn't. It's possibly even mildly stimulating to figure out the best way to do X.

My brain, when I read that statement, goes "click click click" like an abacus and comes up with 1) personal experience combined with b) cultural back ground c) levels of personality that are just naturally suspicious (that's not a negative or positive btw) d) enjoys planning and coming up with mechanisms of execution for a variety variables therein. If you were having a cup of espresso with me I'd probably start asking you directed question to see if I was right or wrong and adjust as I went along. People are fascinating. And very enjoyable. That that you have questioned the reasons behind your desires and thoughts in both a personable and abstract way, makes me want to cover you in gold stickers lol.

You "get" it. The "whys" are absolutely fascinating, aren't they? And the theories and fun head games to figure out. It does make me fall in love with the universe, every time.

I can no more help this urge to constantly want to "why" about pretty much everything than people can help other basic personality traits and I know it drives others batshit at times. My dad said it found it challenging (I actually called him at 10pm last night to ask him about a couple of points on entanglement theory because I needed to understand something). Without this constant curiosity, I turn grey and droop. Horribly. It's why when I was much younger my brain used to chew on itself and drive me bananas. I thought I was nuts. No, I learned I am just very restless with needing to pick things apart and understand. Like some people need and love to take things apart physically to understand it - phones, cars, coffee makers, switches, computer codes - I do it abstractly and theoretically.

But I am relieved to hear from someone that has experienced a few different sides of a trait or perception. Coming home after 10 years I can see traits in the populace here I didn't know we're here before. And if I mention them, it is *mind boggling* how upset and defensive people can get to an observation that I am not passing judgement on. Just observing. And mentioning. It may be I find it bizarre and difficult to work with, but I don't judge someone as good or bad because of a cultural trait to a locality. It can just be frustrating to learn a way to work around it. Or with it.

It's a massive gift to be able to see where I came from with very different eyes. I can see my culture with outsider eyes. And it's stunning, weird, scary, fascinating, disturbing, funny and occasionally highly irritating.

What you've written is a fabulous snap shot. Thank you!

And people keep telling me I need to move to Montreal, it would suit me better, personality wise. I've only been once and I had an amazing time.


Oh! PS. Of course I want to protect people I love. I can be extremely fierce when I feel threatened or afraid for their safety. It's just I rarely feel threatened. I rarely feel unsafe in that way. I am also extremely confident that I, and they, will be able to handle whatever unforeseen event might happen. I just don't feel the worry. I *have* been very threatened. And hurt. I grew up being tortured by a psychopathic brother that I was left in care of. I was raped quite a few times by quite a few people. But all the hurt and pain suffered, all of the threats and damages has never come from the unknown or the stranger or the boogie man in the bush. The delivery of pain and suffering and damage has always been from people I knew and trusted.

The majority of attacks against my person that have done physical and lasting damage have come not from someone breaking into my home and hurting me in my bed, but from the person already sleeping next to me.

And I know police data gathered about rape, assault and murder of women, only something like 4% comes from a stranger. The boogieman isn't in the bush or outside my window. The boogieman is most often sleeping next to me.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Oh! PS. Of course I want to protect people I love. I can be extremely fierce when I feel threatened or afraid for their safety. It's just I rarely feel threatened. I rarely feel unsafe in that way. I am also extremely confident that I, and they, will be able to handle whatever unforeseen event might happen. I just don't feel the worry. I *have* been very threatened. And hurt. I grew up being tortured by a psychopathic brother that I was left in care of. I was raped quite a few times by quite a few people. But all the hurt and pain suffered, all of the threats and damages has never come from the unknown or the stranger or the boogie man in the bush. The delivery of pain and suffering and damage has always been from people I knew and trusted.

The majority of attacks against my person that have done physical and lasting damage have come not from someone breaking into my home and hurting me in my bed, but from the person already sleeping next to me.

And I know police data gathered about rape, assault and murder of women, only something like 4% comes from a stranger. The boogieman isn't in the bush or outside my window. The boogieman is most often sleeping next to me.

I get that the monster wears the face of my family member or in some cases my neighbor. As a kid, I was not beaten or burned by someone hiding in a bush jumping out every now and again to assault me, although it might have felt that way. Nor was I sexually abused by some stranger climbing in my bedroom window at night. It is absolutely true that the delivery of pain and suffering and damage has, at least while I was a kid, been from people I knew and should have been able to trust, more than that, people whose responsibility it should have been to protect me not hurt me. And since that is the case I have no answer as to why I am hypervigilant always scanning my environment for possible threats. I can only make guesses. Perhaps as an adult since I no longer fear the people I love, I must look elsewhere to satisfy my feelings of being unsafe. I have found a way to trust the people in my life, but having been deeply wounded I must find a place to put my misgivings and my mistrust. Perhaps there are other explanations. I don't know. We all find ways to live in peace. At least I hope we do.

I just feel much calmer and safer if I have a plan to protect my wife and myself. I would rather have the plan and not need it than need a plan and not have it. I would be perfectly happy not to feel this way, but I can't imagine that happening. It seems cavalier and foolish to take such chances. I get that you cannot plan for every possible contingency and I have gotten much better over the years. I used to indulge my hypervigilance to a degree that was exhausting. I won't even get into it. You would think I was certifiable. I have gotten much better, so there is hope for me yet.

I think Montreal might suit you just fine. I've never been to Europe, but I'm told that Montreal is very European. I know it is very different from Boston. I could analyse and examine the whys of that for hours. I have lots of ideas and theories. I totally get what you are saying about needing to examine the reasons behind pretty much everything. I find it endlessly fascinating. And it does drive people batshit. So many people have told me that talking to me feels like an interrogation. I guess probing and prodding might feel like that. I have tried to soften my technique. I kept finding it harder and harder to find people to play with. I certainly never mean any harm. It's all fun and games to me and people so inclined can poke, probe and prod around in my head all they want. I just don't find that many takers. Mostly I find people with chastity belts around their brains.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Re poking and prodding - I always tell people "I like to poke things in tide pools, metaphorically"
So I do the same. But I usually use a distraction technique.
And I, I don't mean any harm either, sincerely. I'm just hopelessly curious and pleased by stories and back ground and theory. I'm sure if put in the wrong light, it looks manipulative and cold. But I am not. I'm deeply appreciative. I'm just not very... Gushy. Internal feels. I'm better at expressing care by interest or joking and it often doesn't carry.

Fair point on the view angle that my stance must look cavalier in comparison. I can see that. I never thought of it looking that way but I suppose it must. Thank you for pointing that out. Interesting, indeed. I suppose that why some people find me irresponsible and flippant in a way.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Fair point on the view angle that my stance must look cavalier in comparison. I can see that. I never thought of it looking that way but I suppose it must. Thank you for pointing that out. Interesting, indeed. I suppose that why some people find me irresponsible and flippant in a way.

That wasn't actually a point I was trying to make. Sorry if it came out that way. I would like nothing better than to be less hypervigilant. I was thinking about how it feels for me when I try to believe I could live in the woods somewhere out of sight of any other houses and feel okay not having weapons and such. I think about having dogs, but then I immediately think how shitty it would be if I couldn't protect them. I like the idea of living away from everything but the safety thing rears its ugly head and I know I would need to address it in some way. I wasn't thinking about anyone else being cavalier and foolish. These are just my feelings. I would never put them on anyone else and expect others to feel the way I feel.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Oh, lol I wasn't insulted. I just realised that it might actually look that way. Rather enlightening thought, really. Bit of an epiphany. It's not negative. Even if you didn't mean to lob it my way, I am sure to many people it *must* look that way. I like understanding outside points of view reflected back. It's valuable!

[firegal]

I think using the example that someone will bolt into your beroom and u have to react is kinda the farfetch approach.

I like the closest to the door because I do investigate when I hear a noise and the quickest way is what I like. I live in a moderate area not good not bad.

my experiences is ive heard a noise and interrupted peeps syphoning gas out of my truck,and heard noise and folks were breaking into my storage shed, stole CD player out of my car..
.......heard noise and found guy in my lil pond high and not sure what he was gonna do!

I had some one bang on my door at 3 in morning.

These are just my experiences and why I like to sleep closest to door,because I do and will jump up and check it out....and many times with phone in hand.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Miss Tick

I just feel much calmer and safer if I have a plan to protect my wife and myself. I would rather have the plan and not need it than need a plan and not have it.

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

I get that.