Is Marriage for you?

[imperfect_cupcake]

Oh I dunno, I think there are lots of us out there that don't m see sharing household drudgery as something romantic or condusive to having a meaningful connection to others.
Frankly, I find it *hinders* intimacy. And the more I feel like someone's house maid or mother, the less sexual attraction I have for them. I find domesticity *kills* my high sex drive. Dead.
I find that when I actually talk to someone about this, they tend to provisionally agree. And if someone whines that they want a woman to look after them, I am NOT the girl for them anyway. I love spoiling someone. As a divine and wonderful guest. Not as a responsibility and job. And I want the same back. I would be very happy with a marriage that respected my independence. I would fall even more madly and deeply with a person who did.
So I think there with people out there that it could work with. If they are looking to raise a family of kids or dogs or farm animals with, I'm just never going to be that girl anyway. So... Let's go traveling to Sarawak on Borneo instead. You know?

[C0LLETTE]

I've seen a lot of this world but somehow missed Sarawak. You're on.

[BullDog]

When I was younger I was in a 13 year relationship. We never had a commitment ceremony and didn't believe in marriage. I thought it was just something for heterosexuals. The fact that it could be legal someday was such a remote possibility back then, so it just didn't seem like anything I would ever experience in my lifetime.

I certainly have changed my views because now I absolutely want to get married and have that special bond and also the legal protections that go along with it for myself and partner. I absolutely want to live together. Living apart and married would definitely not be something for me. I want to share our daily lives together and I really love doing little things like going to the grocery store together or putting clean sheets on the bed and things like that. I'm not very domestic on my own, but I do enjoy sharing those things with a partner. So yes I absolutely want to get married and share our day to day lives side by side.

[gotoseagrl]

Much like having children, which I don't have, I think marriage is beautifully symbolic of the deep, multifaceted connection a relationship can have. There are many ways you can belong to someone, but I've always viewed marriage as the ultimate intimacy. Something to be earned. So sacred that I've been saving it for the right person, because I've always known it would only happen once in my lifetime.

[Nattih]

Yes it is. I want your regular, average, traditional, get married, live together forever, have kids, get on each others nerves but deal with it, crazy about one another marriage.

Its never something I even considered being "non traditional" about just because I'm gay.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Marriage definitely means different things to different people...I watched my own parents drift slowly apart until there was no longer a core of "we" in my family, and they divorced when I was 15 years old.

I work HARD every single day at making my marriage a living and breathing thing...if someone tells you they don't argue and things are lovely, then when the really horrible things happen, how do they suddenly do hard and crappy? I have seen my Kasey at her rock bottom worst, and she has seen the same in me...but the little things like waiting out in the parking lot at the grocery store so she can load the groceries, or my putting a blanket around her shoulders when she is too busy at work to get one herself...those intimate things we do because we love and support one and other, (for us) those things can't be done from 2 separate houses across town from each other.

When she shows me some stupid FB picture of a hedgehog in a tux while we sit and watch a game show, just to see me smile...I know I wouldn't want to miss any part of her life for a few moments of alone time.

But then, I'm a sap

[JDeere]

Never rush into a marriage either. Take your time to get to truly know one another.

As for me, right now, no to marriage. I'm not ready to truly settle down.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by BullDog

When I was younger I was in a 13 year relationship. We never had a commitment ceremony and didn't believe in marriage. I thought it was just something for heterosexuals. The fact that it could be legal someday was such a remote possibility back then, so it just didn't seem like anything I would ever experience in my lifetime.

I certainly have changed my views because now I absolutely want to get married and have that special bond and also the legal protections that go along with it for myself and partner. I absolutely want to live together. Living apart and married would definitely not be something for me. I want to share our daily lives together and I really love doing little things like going to the grocery store together or putting clean sheets on the bed and things like that. I'm not very domestic on my own, but I do enjoy sharing those things with a partner. So yes I absolutely want to get married and share our day to day lives side by side.

See I see someone helping me make a bed thats mine or me helping make theirs as somehow less suffocating than "ours". I love holding hands in the grocery store and doing shopping together. I still have daily life with living apart. Just not EVERY day. I get a couple days off a week. In my own space.
And we don't argue about bills, or chores. Because I'm not doing their laundry or hoovering their carpets. Thats their job. Cleaning.ng out the hallway closet is not quality date time to me. Its not fun.
But cooking together, spending nights on the couch cuddling, grocery shopping together,, doing some of their mending for them while we watch a docu... I get to pick which domestic things to share I stead of having it thrust at me and loaded down with it and not have my own space to retreat to, with my own rules and just my stuff.

I still like doing daily stuff with them. I just don't want it to be every single day. I don't want to have to nag about the garbage or feel resentful I'm cleaning the bathroom again and its thier turn. Or why didn't you pay the phone bill on time?? Those are the things I never ever want to deal with again

[imperfect_cupcake]

It's not that I'm not romantic. It's that I get sick and depressed if I don't get my own space and alone time. Some of us don't need it. I do for my mental health. Even from my most favorite people.

[theoddz]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

It's not that I'm not romantic. It's that I get sick and depressed if I don't get my own space and alone time. Some of us don't need it. I do for my mental health. Even from my most favorite people.

And here I thought I was the only one like this!!!

Is there a name for this thing, perhaps???

Don't worry, CC, you don't bear this burden alone. We shall name it and call it "ours".

~Theo~

[gotoseagrl]

I don't think living together and being married means you have to be around your partner 24/7. Personal space and alone time can still be achieved & honored. So can agreeing on what's fair for each person to do for the household. I don't think living apart completely eliminates the "burden" of having to agree on how things are done or having to care about each other's personal needs. You're still sharing your life with someone. And I definitely prefer to do it within the same household where sharing talks, laughs, meals, and reassuring hugs & kisses don't have to be penciled in. Though I wasn't aware that wanting separate arrangements was so popular these days. Interesting ... and it is understandable, especially for those with certain health requirements.

Though living together in marriage should still allow separate hobbies, interests, preferences, going out and times people should be able to be alone and do whatever they want or need. To me, the idea of being married doesn't mean independence or personal space has to fly out the window or that we start becoming suffocated.

On the contrary, it's a union that makes all the time and things shared even more enjoyable & meaningful - such as one place to sleep together, one home crafted together over time and much more. I guess that glass is half full in my eyes. While I can see how sharing the same space can be overwhelming for others, being as close as possible to my partner provides me with a sense of freedom, comfort, peace and extra cushion for the blows that life can bring unexpectedly, especially when you are apart.

[C0LLETTE]

I have a rather undeveloped theory about the advantages of marriage/civil unions/contractual partnerships...I see them as a financial, medical, retirement plan...from the perspective of an "old" woman.

I also accept that there is lots of anecdotal evidence to contradict me and many anomalies.

Nevertheless, here are some random thoughts, in no particular order:

1. "Love/Romance" plays a very small part in my theory. It's actually a very recent concept and amongst the least reliable predictors of success.

2. I understand that unless there is remarkable coincidence or co-suicide, one partner will eventually be left alone. That is a given that you just can't get around.

3. As you age it's really better to have someone there to notice you've fallen and broken your hip than trying to crawl around the kitchen floor looking for your "$25per month emergency call button.

4. Many people, particularly "single" women just won't have the individual resources to avoid a slide in their living conditions as they age.

5.Not too many people are tough enough to get old "alone"

6. Having friends, family, extended family, is wonderful but none of it comes close to having a shared interconnected relationship where multiplatform mutual security is primary.

7. Risk-taking is great for the young where there is plenty of time to correct mistakes. When you're older, you better have a plan and that plan will likely serve you much better if it's a closely shared plan.

8. Sure there are lots of trade-offs but there are no free lunches and I'd still rather share a grocery bill and sit across from my partner having some lunch.

Warning: No rigorous thought went into these opinions.

[Liam]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

It's not that I'm not romantic. It's that I get sick and depressed if I don't get my own space and alone time. Some of us don't need it. I do for my mental health. Even from my most favorite people.

Originally Posted by theoddz

And here I thought I was the only one like this!!!

Is there a name for this thing, perhaps???

Don't worry, CC, you don't bear this burden alone. We shall name it and call it "ours".

~Theo~

I think the name is introvert, which simply means someone who recharges their energy, by being alone.

[gotoseagrl]

I am as introverted as one can be and still need my partner as close as possible, while most other people I do not want close. Maybe "distantly attached" is a way to describe that type of arrangement. Who knows? lol

Originally Posted by Liam

I think the name is introvert, which simply means someone who recharges their energy, by being alone.

[BullDog]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

See I see someone helping me make a bed thats mine or me helping make theirs as somehow less suffocating than "ours". I love holding hands in the grocery store and doing shopping together. I still have daily life with living apart. Just not EVERY day. I get a couple days off a week. In my own space.
And we don't argue about bills, or chores. Because I'm not doing their laundry or hoovering their carpets. Thats their job. Cleaning.ng out the hallway closet is not quality date time to me. Its not fun.
But cooking together, spending nights on the couch cuddling, grocery shopping together,, doing some of their mending for them while we watch a docu... I get to pick which domestic things to share I stead of having it thrust at me and loaded down with it and not have my own space to retreat to, with my own rules and just my stuff.

I still like doing daily stuff with them. I just don't want it to be every single day. I don't want to have to nag about the garbage or feel resentful I'm cleaning the bathroom again and its thier turn. Or why didn't you pay the phone bill on time?? Those are the things I never ever want to deal with again

Yes, that's cool we just have different preferences. For me, getting groceries for Our house has a different meaning than getting them for my house or hers, but it could still be enjoyable doing it together and it would still be contributing to us as a couple in some way even we didn't live together.

I have spent at least half of my adult life single and do fine on my own and like to have some personal space, but living with a partner in the past has been very special for me. It doesn't feel suffocating to me and I love the routine parts too. Actually I find most people to be draining after a while and can only take them in small doses before I crawl back into my hermit cave, so it definitely needs to be the right person.

I have never been married but definitely want to and my partner feels the same. I wouldn't want to marry someone or have a long term partner where we lived in separate places. It is just not my preference, and thankfully it isn't my partner's preference either. But if you have two people who would prefer to live apart and it works for them then that's great.

[Angeltoes]

I just think that people who haven't been married before sometimes underestimate the legal repercussions that can happen if by chance it doesn't work out. Marriage is something that's easy to get into and can be incredibly difficult to get out of. That's not always true, but if your ex-partner is inclined they can make your life a living hell.

[gotoseagrl]

I think the people who haven't been married, especially after so long, have waited for a reason and are well aware of the risks. On the other hand, people who jump into marriage might be the ones underestimating the consequences, or ignoring them. Situations gone wrong is why people should be careful who they choose to go all that way with. I think it's as simple as that, being careful.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Angeltoes

I just think that people who haven't been married before sometimes underestimate the legal repercussions that can happen if by chance it doesn't work out. Marriage is something that's easy to get into and can be incredibly difficult to get out of. That's not always true, but if your ex-partner is inclined they can make your life a living hell.

This is one of the exact reasons I won't get married, if it breaks up for some reason you have to get an attorney, go through all the crap, pay a ton of money, etc. So therefore, no marriage for me, I ain't paying for some divorce just because my partner gets pissed off over something petty and decides its over, instead of working it out, which I see ALOT of married couples not do.

[Nattih]

I'm happy it's hard to get out of and that there are major repercussions. To me that's one of the excellent points of it all.