Stone Femme?

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Contradictor

I've been confused about this too. Much as I am not the biggest fan of labels in a lot of capacities, I am intrigued by what one would be applicable to me.

I'm femme in appearance. I wear make up and dresses (occasionally but I like to sometimes) and usually stereotypical feminine clothing.
However I'm a top in bed mostly. I don't like receiving oral and don't like being penetrated. Certain types of touch CAN excite me but at the same time they're so few and far between that I can quite easily do without being touched at all and would rather it that way. I'm good with getting my partner off and I am only attracted to butch. I'm the one who always drives, the one who arranges dates etc. I am often intrigued as to what it would be like to be taken out by a butch who is more into doing the traditional butch role... A small part of me thinks I'd like it but It's a very small part and it feels quite alien mostly. I've always done the 'date' thing by arranging, paying and being the one 'in charge of it' if you will. So I'm not a stonefemme by the above definition. I am not sure what I am. A butch in disguise? (I am being lighthearted really but at the same time I would like some input).

I could have written most of this but the "traditional butch role" is by your defenition only. I have been "in charge" in relationships, in bed and otherwise, i don't like receiving oral sex, but not once, even for a second, have i felt butch or stone.

My issue is i am.stubborn and don't like being vulnerable so i "take charge". However when it is safe i totally enjoy being spoiled and being swept off my feet, by a butch.

Maybe you could find one to let you enjoy it too.

[Contradictor]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

Yeah, no. Being in charge doesn't equal butch. I understand that you're kind of joking, and I'm trying not to tear my hair out because it upsets me that so many people really do buy into this cultural stereotype.

You describe yourself as femme, and as a top. That means you're a femme top. You aren't interested in being penetrated, and you're reluctant to receive touch. Yes, many people would call you stone. Femme Stone Top. Or a Stone Femme. Yes, it's confusing. I continue to advocate for a change in nomenclature.

I know other women like you. I believe there are some who have or do frequent this site.

Thank you for the reply Cheryl, let me apologise for being 'one of those' it wasn't intentional. It isn't so much that I buy into stereotypes, in fact I too have been annoyed by them when people make assumptions about me. (Admittedly usually cis males but not always), more that I have been influenced by them and been questioning which one I would or would not be and I felt like I was an outsider ( I must clarify it wasn't somethng that kept me awake at night so to speak).

I am happy to adopt the stone femme label, I know labels can be very damaging but they can be useful when used correctly and I was feeling a bit bewildered. I think with me personally too, I have only just began to question things and only just become au fait with the internet. So it's a bit of a new world even though in 'real life' I've never had an issue with things. It's natural curiosity I gues.

Originally Posted by girl_dee

I could have written most of this but the "traditional butch role" is by your defenition only. I have been "in charge" in relationships, in bed and otherwise, i don't like receiving oral sex, but not once, even for a second, have i felt butch or stone.

My issue is i am.stubborn and don't like being vulnerable so i "take charge". However when it is safe i totally enjoy being spoiled and being swept off my feet, by a butch.

Maybe you could find one to let you enjoy it too.

Yes, I have had that definition as an amalgamation as what I've read (not on here I must add)!

We do sound similar although I do feel 'butch' in some ways, and although in (very) small situations I've melted a little when a butch has done something for me or to me, I generally do not like it. I'm in a long term relationship with a butch, but we fell into our way of working very quickly although she does struggle a little with some things I do or don't do.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Contradictor

Yes, I have had that definition as an amalgamation as what I've read (not on here I must add)!

For that i am glad. This is a space where we don't use language ("traditional butch role") as a rule of thumb.

Who wants to have to fit in a box?

As things you do and don't do, thats normal isn't it? Who completes each other's lists 100%. Doesn't seem like that would be normal.

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by Contradictor

Thank you for the reply Cheryl, let me apologise for being 'one of those' it wasn't intentional. It isn't so much that I buy into stereotypes, in fact I too have been annoyed by them when people make assumptions about me. (Admittedly usually cis males but not always), more that I have been influenced by them and been questioning which one I would or would not be and I felt like I was an outsider ( I must clarify it wasn't somethng that kept me awake at night so to speak).

I am happy to adopt the stone femme label, I know labels can be very damaging but they can be useful when used correctly and I was feeling a bit bewildered. I think with me personally too, I have only just began to question things and only just become au fait with the internet. So it's a bit of a new world even though in 'real life' I've never had an issue with things. It's natural curiosity I gues.


Yes, I have had that definition as an amalgamation as what I've read (not on here I must add)!

We do sound similar although I do feel 'butch' in some ways, and although in (very) small situations I've melted a little when a butch has done something for me or to me, I generally do not like it. I'm in a long term relationship with a butch, but we fell into our way of working very quickly although she does struggle a little with some things I do or don't do.

I'm so glad you've found someone who respects your boundaries. Just be aware that even though your language makes perfect sense you'll have to explain what you mean when you use that label to describe yourself. It often means exactly the opposite of the way you mean it. I'm also a stonefemme. I'm always a catcher and never a pitcher. I will not and cannot be a sexual top. I will not and cannot penetrate my partner.

Yup. Stonefemme. Nope, the language we've adopted makes no sense at all, but it's what we have now.

[Contradictor]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

For that i am glad. This is a space where we don't use language ("traditional butch role") as a rule of thumb.

Who wants to have to fit in a box?

As things you do and don't do, thats normal isn't it? Who completes each other's lists 100%. Doesn't seem like that would be normal.

Me, to an extent (see what's written under my custom user title)! I am still trying to understand myself after decades of hiding from who I am (to most).
Maybe we don't, however the name of the forum suggests labels of some sort are part of this community, as do a large percentage of the threads, and the 'how do you identify' public question and answer.

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

I'm so glad you've found someone who respects your boundaries. Just be aware that even though your language makes perfect sense you'll have to explain what you mean when you use that label to describe yourself. It often means exactly the opposite of the way you mean it. I'm also a stonefemme. I'm always a catcher and never a pitcher. I will not and cannot be a sexual top. I will not and cannot penetrate my partner.

Yup. Stonefemme. Nope, the language we've adopted makes no sense at all, but it's what we have now.

I am, which is one reason I don't want to use it. It has taken me a long time to get to this stage, from a family of homophobes and I know I can never go totally public. I guess this makes it a little more important to me? Maybe. Maybe also the fact I'm a sociologist by nature and trade. But, more important things in life too.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Contradictor

Me, to an extent (see what's written under my custom user title)! I am still trying to understand myself after decades of hiding from who I am (to most).
Maybe we don't, however the name of the forum suggests labels of some sort are part of this community, as do a large percentage of the threads, and the 'how do you identify' public question and answer.



I am, which is one reason I don't want to use it. It has taken me a long time to get to this stage, from a family of homophobes and I know I can never go totally public. I guess this makes it a little more important to me? Maybe. Maybe also the fact I'm a sociologist by nature and trade. But, more important things in life too.

We are all evolving.

i feel how stone or not stone we may also depend on our sexual counterpart. It can be very difficult as a femme to know what is allowed and what is not allowed when with a butch. It’s a learning process. Just because they allow something doesn’t mean i am into it, but i could be. i am not good at figuring it out so it’s easier to just ask questions. I think there is a stigma among the butch community that if they are not stone, they are somehow less butch. Nothing could be further than the truth in my eyes.

If my butch is stone, would that not make me stone too? That feels so very limiting to me, but that is probably because i am not a stone femme.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

We are all evolving.

i feel how stone or not stone we may also depend on our sexual counterpart. It can be very difficult as a femme to know what is allowed and what is not allowed when with a butch. It’s a learning process. Just because they allow something doesn’t mean i am into it, but i could be. i am not good at figuring it out so it’s easier to just ask questions. I think there is a stigma among the butch community that if they are not stone, they are somehow less butch. Nothing could be further than the truth in my eyes.

If my butch is stone, would that not make me stone too? That feels so very limiting to me, but that is probably because i am not a stone femme.

There are people who identify as Stone and this dictates their behavior (what they do or do not do, what they allow or do not allow). And then there are people who respect their Stone partners boundaries, and are not Stone, themselves. It sounds like you respect your partner's boundaries and are not Stone. You are adjusting according to your partners boundaries, you are not being more of less stone based on their boundaries. Who we partner with does not determine our identity.

I have always preferred to date queer femmes who identify as Stone. I don't want a woman who is limiting her desires in order to be with me. I want her desires to match my desires.

[BullDog]

Dapper, I hear what you are saying about wanting a femme to id as stone, but in my experience I have known quite a few femmes (both friends and potential romantic interest) who are happy to partner with a stone butch or a butch who is not and when they are with a stone butch they don't feel they are missing anything. Of course that would not be true for all femmes. It all depends on range of preferences.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

There are people who identify as Stone and this dictates their behavior (what they do or do not do, what they allow or do not allow). And then there are people who respect their Stone partners boundaries, and are not Stone, themselves. It sounds like you respect your partner's boundaries and are not Stone. You are adjusting according to your partners boundaries, you are not being more of less stone based on their boundaries. Who we partner with does not determine our identity.

I have always preferred to date queer femmes who identify as Stone. I don't want a woman who is limiting her desires in order to be with me. I want her desires to match my desires.

i don’t see it any differently than a straight couple who have to work out what their common needs/wants/desires are and that they act accordingly. If i am in love with someone and they are with me, and we do have some common sexual desires, we shouldn’t feel like we are missing out on anything if we enjoy some of the same things.

Stone /not stone is not my identity, its a sexual behavior IMO