Ask a trans person!

[Esme nha Maire]

Wow, I have learnt so much about you FTM gents from reading through this thread! Thank you all for sharing. May you all find inner peace and much happiness in your lives!

But I cannot help but wonder - are there any other MTFs here? I transitioned quite a while ago, but would be interested to hear of other MTF's experiences with the lesbian scene.

[Vivacious1]

I found this thread very interesting as well. I can relate to some, and some makes me have more questions.

I too was in a relationship with an FTM... He transitioned very shortly after we got together. It was a whirlwind experience for me, scary as well... confusing.. etc

I supported him through his top surgery which scared the crap outta me because I had to take care of him in the hotel after surgery, tubes and drains everywhere... Of course I messed it up, and he had to have a revision... BAD way to start a relationship...

The things I experienced with him was an excess of anger and blame, always to be put off by saying its the *T*

Then there was the group of friends that were also trans men and the comments such as *I can't believe you still ID as lesbian" I felt that they thought there was something wrong with me!!!!

Fast forward, eventually when we broke up, the comment was, * I shoulda stayed butch and you wouldn't be leaving*

Unfortunately, I think I got a lot of messages that weren't correct and maybe specific to this relationship, but, regardless, I was left feeling it was all about the trans man, and what about the femme on the other side? I was a femme, I was lost in this process of someone else's transition...

So, I guess with all this said, I am looking for clarity.. I am looking for someone that relates... maybe from the FTM side or the femme side!!!!

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Esme nha Maire

Wow, I have learnt so much about you FTM gents from reading through this thread! Thank you all for sharing. May you all find inner peace and much happiness in your lives!

But I cannot help but wonder - are there any other MTFs here? I transitioned quite a while ago, but would be interested to hear of other MTF's experiences with the lesbian scene.

There are MTFs on the site!

Originally Posted by Vivacious1

I found this thread very interesting as well. I can relate to some, and some makes me have more questions.

I too was in a relationship with an FTM... He transitioned very shortly after we got together. It was a whirlwind experience for me, scary as well... confusing.. etc

I supported him through his top surgery which scared the crap outta me because I had to take care of him in the hotel after surgery, tubes and drains everywhere... Of course I messed it up, and he had to have a revision... BAD way to start a relationship...

The things I experienced with him was an excess of anger and blame, always to be put off by saying its the *T*

Then there was the group of friends that were also trans men and the comments such as *I can't believe you still ID as lesbian" I felt that they thought there was something wrong with me!!!!

Fast forward, eventually when we broke up, the comment was, * I shoulda stayed butch and you wouldn't be leaving*

Unfortunately, I think I got a lot of messages that weren't correct and maybe specific to this relationship, but, regardless, I was left feeling it was all about the trans man, and what about the femme on the other side? I was a femme, I was lost in this process of someone else's transition...

So, I guess with all this said, I am looking for clarity.. I am looking for someone that relates... maybe from the FTM side or the femme side!!!!

I can relate, V. My first relationship with a transguy went something alone those lines, except he didn't fully transition during our relationship. I was questioned about my identity, mainly by him, and the T and his journey became the focus of the relationship versus 'our' journey together.

[Wrang1er]

Originally Posted by Vivacious1

I found this thread very interesting as well. I can relate to some, and some makes me have more questions.

I too was in a relationship with an FTM... He transitioned very shortly after we got together. It was a whirlwind experience for me, scary as well... confusing.. etc

I supported him through his top surgery which scared the crap outta me because I had to take care of him in the hotel after surgery, tubes and drains everywhere... Of course I messed it up, and he had to have a revision... BAD way to start a relationship...

The things I experienced with him was an excess of anger and blame, always to be put off by saying its the *T*

Then there was the group of friends that were also trans men and the comments such as *I can't believe you still ID as lesbian" I felt that they thought there was something wrong with me!!!!

Fast forward, eventually when we broke up, the comment was, * I shoulda stayed butch and you wouldn't be leaving*

Unfortunately, I think I got a lot of messages that weren't correct and maybe specific to this relationship, but, regardless, I was left feeling it was all about the trans man, and what about the femme on the other side? I was a femme, I was lost in this process of someone else's transition...

So, I guess with all this said, I am looking for clarity.. I am looking for someone that relates... maybe from the FTM side or the femme side!!!!

You aren't alone in this. There's actually a song by a queer band called Coyote Grace. The song is titled Picture Frame.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Esme nha Maire

Wow, I have learnt so much about you FTM gents from reading through this thread! Thank you all for sharing. May you all find inner peace and much happiness in your lives!

But I cannot help but wonder - are there any other MTFs here? I transitioned quite a while ago, but would be interested to hear of other MTF's experiences with the lesbian scene.

There are a couple of MTF women here. Welcome! I am very glad you are here!

[Esme nha Maire]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

There are a couple of MTF women here. Welcome! I am very glad you are here!

Thank you, sir, that is sweet of you! I am moved by tales like Vivacious1's, because they really make one think about what it is to be human, to love, to be lesbian or hetty or gay or bi or whatever, and it must be so hard to find that your partner needs to become something outside of that bunch of characteristics which you find attractive, or to find that your partner simply does not have it within them to continue to love you when you become what you must for your own sanity. I count myself lucky that I have never been in such a situation thus far.

This has me pondering how I might feel if a very butch woman made a pass at me. If I found her attractive, I think I might feel a need to make it clear, as gently and politely as possible, that where butch becomes male is probably the point beyond which my emotions could not follow, except as friends. I would hope that they could understand why.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by Esme nha Maire

>>snip<<

This has me pondering how I might feel if a very butch woman made a pass at me. If I found her attractive, I think I might feel a need to make it clear, as gently and politely as possible, that where butch becomes male is probably the point beyond which my emotions could not follow, except as friends. I would hope that they could understand why.

Hi and welcome!

I wonder if you would mind expanding on this a little? I don't understand exactly what you mean "if a very butch woman made a pass at me...where a butch becomes male".

Are you speaking about a FTM trans person that identifies as a male or a very butch woman that identifies as female and is a butch lesbian?

Thanks!

[Esme nha Maire]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Hi and welcome!

I wonder if you would mind expanding on this a little? I don't understand exactly what you mean "if a very butch woman made a pass at me...where a butch becomes male".

Are you speaking about a FTM trans person that identifies as a male or a very butch women that identifies as female and is a butch lesbian?

Thanks!

Of course I wouldn't mind Anya. What I'm trying to get at is that I do not, at my current state of knowledge, know how I could tell a pre-transition FTM person from a non-FTM very butch woman, short of asking the individual before me whether they are FTM or not. Which would be rude. And given that I am not interested in intimate relationships with males, getting romantically involved with a pre-transition FTM would not be fair on either of us. So I'd prefer to avoid that latter possibility, and also avoid being rude, if at all possible. The only way I can see that I might possibly achieve both objectives is by intimating what it is that I want, rather than asking them if they are FTM or not. If there is a better way, I am all ears!

[AmazonDC]

Originally Posted by Esme nha Maire

Of course I wouldn't mind Anya. What I'm trying to get at is that I do not, at my current state of knowledge, know how I could tell a pre-transition FTM person from a non-FTM very butch woman, short of asking the individual before me whether they are FTM or not. Which would be rude. And given that I am not interested in intimate relationships with males, getting romantically involved with a pre-transition FTM would not be fair on either of us. So I'd prefer to avoid that latter possibility, and also avoid being rude, if at all possible. The only way I can see that I might possibly achieve both objectives is by intimating what it is that I want, rather than asking them if they are FTM or not. If there is a better way, I am all ears!

Hi there.. so I am a middlesexed genetically neither male or female.. I am a Queer Male identified person.. I have a genetic illness called CAH . I am genetically neither male or female although I am male in appearance I am female in body parts... The rainbow has many spectrums.. you asking if they are pre or post op is not rude its honest.. Honesty is always the best practice.. I am lucky enough to be with a woman who love the Me, I am.. Dont ever think asking such a question is rude.. that person I am quite sure has been asked the same question if not worse many times before.. I am questioned and asked things 24-7.lol

[Esme nha Maire]

Originally Posted by DaddyChrisCo

Hi there.. so I am a middlesexed genetically neither male or female.. I am a Queer Male identified person.. I have a genetic illness called CAH . I am genetically neither male or female although I am male in appearance I am female in body parts... The rainbow has many spectrums.. you asking if they are pre or post op is not rude its honest.. Honesty is always the best practice.. I am lucky enough to be with a woman who love the Me, I am.. Dont ever think asking such a question is rude.. that person I am quite sure has been asked the same question if not worse many times before.. I am questioned and asked things 24-7.lol

DaddyChrisCo - thank you for your response, it is appreciated, but my dilemma was more to do with what if I cannot tell if they are FTM? If they are FTM, then I need to politely decline the pass. If they are not, then we're all good. If they're FTM, then being pre or postop has no bearing on it - I would not be interested in dating them to avoid unecessary heartbreak for both of us. I'm very glad that you have a loving partner!