PTSD and Trauma recovery

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

Hey CCB! Stopping by to see how it went last night. Thought about you all evening. I totally understand about eating ones self up and how exhausting it is.

I am planning on church tomorrow. A friend who has not been in a while is going to sit with me, she is nervous too. So I will be excited to see her! The church does mean a lot to me, but if I am hysterically crying when I leave, I will need to rethink.

I hope you are well and get some rest today. xoxoxoxxo

I did go to the dungeon last night. It turned out great! The way the dungeon is set up there's two separate lounges with the main play space between them. I stayed in the middle lounge and he was smart enough to stay in the back. If I needed food or drink I had a submissive fetch it for me because the kitchen is back there too.

I didn't do my scene as originally planned but I had fun just cuddling and hanging out with my new play partner, and we had a group playing kinky Jenga at one point. I just ignored him and did my own thing and it worked out. I got into a "fuck him" mindset and I felt protected by my friends.

I'm glad you have a friend to sit with you in church. I hope it goes ok!!! Yes, if you come out of church crying hysterically it is definitely not worth it. You have to feel safe even if it, sadly, means removing yourself from that church. I will be thinking of you too and sending you good energies for tomorrow!

[dark_crystal]

My eating disorder has been active the last couple of weeks. I had a couple of doctor appointments and i did not follow the protocol of turning my back to the scale while getting weighed.

(i know there is an ED thread but my ED is how my PTSD likes to manifest)

The number was far higher than i could handle. Since then i have been tempted daily to download the calorie counting app to my phone and "get the situation under control."

Also i didn't have a secretary for almost 2 months, so i was having to do my own catering orders, and the process of polling everyone for their box lunch preferences was too much, bc i hate talking about food with people. When it came time to proof the final order i came very close to just not doing it and approving it w/o looking. I forced myself to check it finally and there was an error on my boss's order.

ALSO we had a "benefits fair" at work when wellness-type vendors can come and set up booths. I could not read the sign on a table and approached too close and the vendor started trying to sell me weight-loss coaching and low-calorie snack bars, even though the dress i was wearing was showing all the bones in my decolletage. I left the building.

Anyway, yesterday morning i could not stand it and finally weighed myself and the number was my very favorite number.

Now Mr. Jenny is worried about THAT, and immediately cooked pancakes for breakfast-- and although I feel better, i still want to download the calorie counter app.

Also i am not looking forward to therapy on Thursday, as my therapist has already recommended a month in outpatient treatment-- and refusing that along with my continued refusal to take SSRIs is making me seem difficult.

Its the ED that won't let me take SSRIs. Even if they didn't cause weight gain, they cause constipation and that is super-triggering. I convinced the Dr. to just let me have Ativans instead, for rescue when situations get bad, but i won't take those either bc of the constipation. I've had the same bottle of 30 pills since April.

[candy_coated_bitch]

(((((dark_crystal/)))) What you're going through sounds really difficult. Lots of triggery things around. I can understand why things would be aggravated right now. I don't have a lot of ED experience so I don't have a lot of advice, just a sympathetic ear.

Would the outpatient program be ED specific? I've done outpatient mental health programs and have found them helpful, fwiw.

I'm sorry your therapy feels like a stressor rather than helpful.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch

(((((dark_crystal/)))) What you're going through sounds really difficult. Lots of triggery things around. I can understand why things would be aggravated right now. I don't have a lot of ED experience so I don't have a lot of advice, just a sympathetic ear.

Would the outpatient program be ED specific? I've done outpatient mental health programs and have found them helpful, fwiw.

I'm sorry your therapy feels like a stressor rather than helpful.

Thanks, CCB <3

The program she recommended was not for ED, she said i would be doing intense work on boundaries?

I just...i went to inpatient when i was 17 and it was hugely disruptive and not terribly beneficial. Times have changed since 1987, and outpatient would not have quite that same level of disruption, but it would have some.

Also there is the other whole project of me trying to change jobs. That is also a strong recommendation bc I get re-traumatized every month just by attending Board Meeting.

I do have a month's worth of sick days that i could spend on outpatient, but if i don't use them i will get them back in cash if i leave. That extra cash is what is going to make it possible for me to survive the massive pay cut that is looking pretty inevitable.

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

Thanks, CCB <3

The program she recommended was not for ED, she said i would be doing intense work on boundaries?

I just...i went to inpatient when i was 17 and it was hugely disruptive and not terribly beneficial. Times have changed since 1987, and outpatient would not have quite that same level of disruption, but it would have some.

Also there is the other whole project of me trying to change jobs. That is also a strong recommendation bc I get re-traumatized every month just by attending Board Meeting.

I do have a month's worth of sick days that i could spend on outpatient, but if i don't use them i will get them back in cash if i leave. That extra cash is what is going to make it possible for me to survive the massive pay cut that is looking pretty inevitable.

The program your therapist recommended was probably similar to outpatient stints I've done. I've had some wonderful experiences and while I went in grumpy and skeptical, I learned a lot of good coping skills. Including boundary setting.

I do understand your reluctance to go though. It DOES disrupt your whole life for a while and is s huge commitment. Also can be hit or miss with how you vibe with the program. The money is also a for real concern.

Just make whatever decisions are right for you. I'm sorry you get re-traumatized by going into the monthly board meetings. Not a good job environment. I wish you all the success in finding something new that doesn't trigger you!!

*hugs if welcomed*

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

My eating disorder has been active the last couple of weeks. I had a couple of doctor appointments and i did not follow the protocol of turning my back to the scale while getting weighed.

(i know there is an ED thread but my ED is how my PTSD likes to manifest)

The number was far higher than i could handle. Since then i have been tempted daily to download the calorie counting app to my phone and "get the situation under control."

Also i didn't have a secretary for almost 2 months, so i was having to do my own catering orders, and the process of polling everyone for their box lunch preferences was too much, bc i hate talking about food with people. When it came time to proof the final order i came very close to just not doing it and approving it w/o looking. I forced myself to check it finally and there was an error on my boss's order.

ALSO we had a "benefits fair" at work when wellness-type vendors can come and set up booths. I could not read the sign on a table and approached too close and the vendor started trying to sell me weight-loss coaching and low-calorie snack bars, even though the dress i was wearing was showing all the bones in my decolletage. I left the building.

Anyway, yesterday morning i could not stand it and finally weighed myself and the number was my very favorite number.

Now Mr. Jenny is worried about THAT, and immediately cooked pancakes for breakfast-- and although I feel better, i still want to download the calorie counter app.

Also i am not looking forward to therapy on Thursday, as my therapist has already recommended a month in outpatient treatment-- and refusing that along with my continued refusal to take SSRIs is making me seem difficult.

Its the ED that won't let me take SSRIs. Even if they didn't cause weight gain, they cause constipation and that is super-triggering. I convinced the Dr. to just let me have Ativans instead, for rescue when situations get bad, but i won't take those either bc of the constipation. I've had the same bottle of 30 pills since April.

I am so sorry you are going through this. While my eating problems lie on the opposite end of the spectrum, I can relate. It is especially difficult when one's PTSD is continuously triggered at work.

I have tried at different times to do inpatient and outpatient, but for whatever reason, no matter how crazed I felt, including psychotic breaks, I did not give that appearance to the people in charge of who gets help. And insurance....

Sending light and love your way, I hope things calm for you.

Sending love and light your way!!

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch

I did go to the dungeon last night. It turned out great! The way the dungeon is set up there's two separate lounges with the main play space between them. I stayed in the middle lounge and he was smart enough to stay in the back. If I needed food or drink I had a submissive fetch it for me because the kitchen is back there too.

I didn't do my scene as originally planned but I had fun just cuddling and hanging out with my new play partner, and we had a group playing kinky Jenga at one point. I just ignored him and did my own thing and it worked out. I got into a "fuck him" mindset and I felt protected by my friends.

I'm glad you have a friend to sit with you in church. I hope it goes ok!!! Yes, if you come out of church crying hysterically it is definitely not worth it. You have to feel safe even if it, sadly, means removing yourself from that church. I will be thinking of you too and sending you good energies for tomorrow!

I could not bring myself to go....But, good news. I think he has been asked to leave the church and has gone. I sure hope so!

So glad you are OK and Dungeon went well!

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I could not bring myself to go....But, good news. I think he has been asked to leave the church and has gone. I sure hope so!

So glad you are OK and Dungeon went well!

I will be sooooo glad if that guy leaves the church!!!! He needs to after what he did. Keep us posted. Sorry you didn't make it this week but it's totally understandable.

I am at my therapist's about to do some EMDR on a REALLY traumatic memory and I'm nervous. I feel strong today but it's still gonna be hard and draining. I will let you all k ow how it goes.

[candy_coated_bitch]

I did my EMDR yesterday. I'm feeling exhausted and a little unsteady, which is normal. My therapist said I might be up and down for a couple days before I notice some positive effects of the EMDR. I've only done it once before this and I found that to be the case.

I'm trying to ground and use visualizations if my safe place to get through. It's helping. I'm going to do some painting as well. That session was fucking INTENSE. I didn't sleep well last night and I'm still tired. But. I get to see my baby niece today and I'm staying overnight so I will get lots of soothing girl time.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch

I did my EMDR yesterday. I'm feeling exhausted and a little unsteady, which is normal. My therapist said I might be up and down for a couple days before I notice some positive effects of the EMDR. I've only done it once before this and I found that to be the case.

I'm trying to ground and use visualizations if my safe place to get through. It's helping. I'm going to do some painting as well. That session was fucking INTENSE. I didn't sleep well last night and I'm still tired. But. I get to see my baby niece today and I'm staying overnight so I will get lots of soothing girl time.

I have found EMDR very helpful, but yes, it does take everything out of me. I have to schedule it at the end of the day. Over time though, when I look back at the traumas I have had EMDR around, I can really tell that my memories are more smoothed out and blurred at the edges. Brain spotting is also very helpful. Have you had that? Its more for if you don't know what exactly is activating your PTSD. EMDR seems more event specific. I have found them both really useful.

I am glad that you went and I hope this gives you the relief you need. I am so thankful for these therapies that can help us function in the world.

Therapist has something new to try next time I go. I used to have this anger inside I could call on when I needed it. and its just gone now. Then dud groped me, I froze and my throat closed up. What the Hell? I used to be tough as nails and now I freaking freeze. Where is that girl? Where is Helga the Prison Guard? (my former nickname at work by my employees) I don't know where she is. We are going to try to find her.

From what I have been told, groper man is not longer at church and they are supposed to have a meeting after church this Sunday to discuss changes in personnel. So I plan to go and see what happens. I have good support I can sit with. I really hope I can get back to it being a safe place for me.

OK, and on the subject of safe places...it just seems daunting and impossible to remove PTSD trigger occurrences. As well as I try to be.

Anyways, love to all of you!

[Kätzchen]

Tonight, I had my first session of EMDR with my transgendered therapist. It was so intense that I was yelling and experiencing a wide range of emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, rage - in some cases). I feel safe with my new therapist, but that is largely due to working on lots of other issues with my previous therapist, over the past year.

I had a very rough day today at work, so my therapy session was timely.

I don't really have any expectations for the end result of utilizing EMDR. I just know if the few sessions we have scheduled will bring about some sort of desired result, then I will count it as success. The good news, is that we only do EMDR once a month, because it's very exhausting work.

I feel wiped out, tonight.

Thanks for holding space for me, as I continue the process of achieving some level of healing in my life.

Appreciatively, ~ K.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

Tonight, I had my first session of EMDR with my transgendered therapist. It was so intense that I was yelling and experiencing a wide range of emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, rage - in some cases). I feel safe with my new therapist, but that is largely due to working on lots of other issues with my previous therapist, over the past year.

I had a very rough day today at work, so my therapy session was timely.

I don't really have any expectations for the end result of utilizing EMDR. I just know if the few sessions we have scheduled will bring about some sort of desired result, then I will count it as success. The good news, is that we only do EMDR once a month, because it's very exhausting work.

I feel wiped out, tonight.

Thanks for holding space for me, as I continue the process of achieving some level of healing in my life.

Appreciatively, ~ K.

I am so glad you have a therapist you trust!

Over the years I have found EMDR very helpful, but it is intense and takes everything out of you. At first, I was not sure it helped, but over time I can tell that the traumas we have worked on blur in my memory. I still know they are there, but they do not hurt me like they did.

I am so proud of you for doing this work and hope it brings the results you need.

Love to you!!!

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I have found EMDR very helpful, but yes, it does take everything out of me. I have to schedule it at the end of the day. Over time though, when I look back at the traumas I have had EMDR around, I can really tell that my memories are more smoothed out and blurred at the edges. Brain spotting is also very helpful. Have you had that? Its more for if you don't know what exactly is activating your PTSD. EMDR seems more event specific. I have found them both really useful.

I am glad that you went and I hope this gives you the relief you need. I am so thankful for these therapies that can help us function in the world.

Therapist has something new to try next time I go. I used to have this anger inside I could call on when I needed it. and its just gone now. Then dud groped me, I froze and my throat closed up. What the Hell? I used to be tough as nails and now I freaking freeze. Where is that girl? Where is Helga the Prison Guard? (my former nickname at work by my employees) I don't know where she is. We are going to try to find her.

From what I have been told, groper man is not longer at church and they are supposed to have a meeting after church this Sunday to discuss changes in personnel. So I plan to go and see what happens. I have good support I can sit with. I really hope I can get back to it being a safe place for me.

OK, and on the subject of safe places...it just seems daunting and impossible to remove PTSD trigger occurrences. As well as I try to be.

Anyways, love to all of you!

Yeah, I'm still feeling beat from the EMDR. I was supposed to go to the dungeon tonight but I cancelled because I need to be in my own environment. Just quiet. I still feel like I need rest. The nights have been difficult with not a lot of sleep but my mood is generally ok. A little anxiety and the exhaustion but otherwise good.

Last time I did EMDR I did find it ultimately helpful.

I've never heard of brain spotting. I'm glad your therapist has something new that should help you get through this tough incident. I hate losing my anger and fire because of a trigger. I hope you get it back!!

And yes, thank Goddess for these therapist's that help us navigate the world. I really like and trust mine.

I'm so glad that asshole is leaving your church. And that there will be a meeting and that you have good support for it. Sounds like your church is taking this whole thing seriously which gives me heart.

Hope the meeting goes well. Love back to you!!!!

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

Tonight, I had my first session of EMDR with my transgendered therapist. It was so intense that I was yelling and experiencing a wide range of emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, rage - in some cases). I feel safe with my new therapist, but that is largely due to working on lots of other issues with my previous therapist, over the past year.

I had a very rough day today at work, so my therapy session was timely.

I don't really have any expectations for the end result of utilizing EMDR. I just know if the few sessions we have scheduled will bring about some sort of desired result, then I will count it as success. The good news, is that we only do EMDR once a month, because it's very exhausting work.

I feel wiped out, tonight.

Thanks for holding space for me, as I continue the process of achieving some level of healing in my life.

Appreciatively, ~ K.

Yes, I found my session of EMDR very intense as well. Lots of feelings came up for me and I'm still drained, like I said.

I'm glad you have a therapist you can trust to do this work with. I probably will not be doing EMDR every week either because it really is that intense.

Big sisterly femme hugs!

Oh! I wanted to mention I got a lot of emotions kind of "stuck," that I couldn't get out. Like, I really wanted a good crying jag but nothing would come out. So I'm working on a painting of my adult self with my child self in my safe space. It's going really well.