PTSD and Trauma recovery

[dark_crystal]

My eating disorder has been active the last couple of weeks. I had a couple of doctor appointments and i did not follow the protocol of turning my back to the scale while getting weighed.

(i know there is an ED thread but my ED is how my PTSD likes to manifest)

The number was far higher than i could handle. Since then i have been tempted daily to download the calorie counting app to my phone and "get the situation under control."

Also i didn't have a secretary for almost 2 months, so i was having to do my own catering orders, and the process of polling everyone for their box lunch preferences was too much, bc i hate talking about food with people. When it came time to proof the final order i came very close to just not doing it and approving it w/o looking. I forced myself to check it finally and there was an error on my boss's order.

ALSO we had a "benefits fair" at work when wellness-type vendors can come and set up booths. I could not read the sign on a table and approached too close and the vendor started trying to sell me weight-loss coaching and low-calorie snack bars, even though the dress i was wearing was showing all the bones in my decolletage. I left the building.

Anyway, yesterday morning i could not stand it and finally weighed myself and the number was my very favorite number.

Now Mr. Jenny is worried about THAT, and immediately cooked pancakes for breakfast-- and although I feel better, i still want to download the calorie counter app.

Also i am not looking forward to therapy on Thursday, as my therapist has already recommended a month in outpatient treatment-- and refusing that along with my continued refusal to take SSRIs is making me seem difficult.

Its the ED that won't let me take SSRIs. Even if they didn't cause weight gain, they cause constipation and that is super-triggering. I convinced the Dr. to just let me have Ativans instead, for rescue when situations get bad, but i won't take those either bc of the constipation. I've had the same bottle of 30 pills since April.

[candy_coated_bitch]

(((((dark_crystal/)))) What you're going through sounds really difficult. Lots of triggery things around. I can understand why things would be aggravated right now. I don't have a lot of ED experience so I don't have a lot of advice, just a sympathetic ear.

Would the outpatient program be ED specific? I've done outpatient mental health programs and have found them helpful, fwiw.

I'm sorry your therapy feels like a stressor rather than helpful.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by candy_coated_bitch

(((((dark_crystal/)))) What you're going through sounds really difficult. Lots of triggery things around. I can understand why things would be aggravated right now. I don't have a lot of ED experience so I don't have a lot of advice, just a sympathetic ear.

Would the outpatient program be ED specific? I've done outpatient mental health programs and have found them helpful, fwiw.

I'm sorry your therapy feels like a stressor rather than helpful.

Thanks, CCB <3

The program she recommended was not for ED, she said i would be doing intense work on boundaries?

I just...i went to inpatient when i was 17 and it was hugely disruptive and not terribly beneficial. Times have changed since 1987, and outpatient would not have quite that same level of disruption, but it would have some.

Also there is the other whole project of me trying to change jobs. That is also a strong recommendation bc I get re-traumatized every month just by attending Board Meeting.

I do have a month's worth of sick days that i could spend on outpatient, but if i don't use them i will get them back in cash if i leave. That extra cash is what is going to make it possible for me to survive the massive pay cut that is looking pretty inevitable.

[candy_coated_bitch]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

Thanks, CCB <3

The program she recommended was not for ED, she said i would be doing intense work on boundaries?

I just...i went to inpatient when i was 17 and it was hugely disruptive and not terribly beneficial. Times have changed since 1987, and outpatient would not have quite that same level of disruption, but it would have some.

Also there is the other whole project of me trying to change jobs. That is also a strong recommendation bc I get re-traumatized every month just by attending Board Meeting.

I do have a month's worth of sick days that i could spend on outpatient, but if i don't use them i will get them back in cash if i leave. That extra cash is what is going to make it possible for me to survive the massive pay cut that is looking pretty inevitable.

The program your therapist recommended was probably similar to outpatient stints I've done. I've had some wonderful experiences and while I went in grumpy and skeptical, I learned a lot of good coping skills. Including boundary setting.

I do understand your reluctance to go though. It DOES disrupt your whole life for a while and is s huge commitment. Also can be hit or miss with how you vibe with the program. The money is also a for real concern.

Just make whatever decisions are right for you. I'm sorry you get re-traumatized by going into the monthly board meetings. Not a good job environment. I wish you all the success in finding something new that doesn't trigger you!!

*hugs if welcomed*

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

My eating disorder has been active the last couple of weeks. I had a couple of doctor appointments and i did not follow the protocol of turning my back to the scale while getting weighed.

(i know there is an ED thread but my ED is how my PTSD likes to manifest)

The number was far higher than i could handle. Since then i have been tempted daily to download the calorie counting app to my phone and "get the situation under control."

Also i didn't have a secretary for almost 2 months, so i was having to do my own catering orders, and the process of polling everyone for their box lunch preferences was too much, bc i hate talking about food with people. When it came time to proof the final order i came very close to just not doing it and approving it w/o looking. I forced myself to check it finally and there was an error on my boss's order.

ALSO we had a "benefits fair" at work when wellness-type vendors can come and set up booths. I could not read the sign on a table and approached too close and the vendor started trying to sell me weight-loss coaching and low-calorie snack bars, even though the dress i was wearing was showing all the bones in my decolletage. I left the building.

Anyway, yesterday morning i could not stand it and finally weighed myself and the number was my very favorite number.

Now Mr. Jenny is worried about THAT, and immediately cooked pancakes for breakfast-- and although I feel better, i still want to download the calorie counter app.

Also i am not looking forward to therapy on Thursday, as my therapist has already recommended a month in outpatient treatment-- and refusing that along with my continued refusal to take SSRIs is making me seem difficult.

Its the ED that won't let me take SSRIs. Even if they didn't cause weight gain, they cause constipation and that is super-triggering. I convinced the Dr. to just let me have Ativans instead, for rescue when situations get bad, but i won't take those either bc of the constipation. I've had the same bottle of 30 pills since April.

I am so sorry you are going through this. While my eating problems lie on the opposite end of the spectrum, I can relate. It is especially difficult when one's PTSD is continuously triggered at work.

I have tried at different times to do inpatient and outpatient, but for whatever reason, no matter how crazed I felt, including psychotic breaks, I did not give that appearance to the people in charge of who gets help. And insurance....

Sending light and love your way, I hope things calm for you.

Sending love and light your way!!