Femme Invisibility?

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Slow breath

A year ago, an 11 year relationship I was in abruptly ended. I was devastated, and one of the first things I did was cut my waist length hair off. I felt like I had removed my femme veil. I have not changed my personal style, but having an asymmetrical feminine haircut made me more visible than I've ever been.

So it has made me wonder, how much of our identity as femme is in our hair style?

I, like many, always passed as a heterosexual female. My new hair, not so much. I get the nods, the strangers chatting me up at public events, etc. that did NOT happen before, unless the look/glance/energies collided. My single self is enjoying the attention. But has made me very reflective on just how invisible I was as a femme with long hair.

As I am currently dating, I also wonder, and often ask my butch dates, their opinion on hair. Lol. Seems as though it's a non issue, because femme is femme, or so I am told, but I still currently feel as though my hair was a huge part of my identity.

Still loving my shorter hairstyle, btw.

Is it the chicken or the egg?

Did your confidence come from your hair cut or did your hair cut come from the confidence in being free and desire to try new things?

I would love to rock a pixie cut but I do not have the shape of face that can pull it off. I'm with Anya in the longer hair club, but mostly because it's how I hide my face when I feel the need. And I like the whispery brush of it against my bare lower back.

Shorter hair would cut down on my salon bills, though. Massively.

[Femmewench]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Please take one if you should run across a 2 x 4 butch .....

Extras are always appreciated.

[homoe]

Originally Posted by Femmewench

Extras are always appreciated.

YIKES, one of those upside the head could hurt a butch...........

[Femmewench]

[QUOTE=Slow breath;1145828]...one of the first things I did was cut my waist length hair off. I felt like I had removed my femme veil. I have not changed my personal style, but having an asymmetrical feminine haircut made me more visible than I've ever been.

So it has made me wonder, how much of our identity as femme is in our hair style?

...But has made me very reflective on just how invisible I was as a femme with long hair.
_________________________________________________

My hair has been short since I had it cut from waist length to pixie length in my early twenties. About 8 years ago I asked my hair dresser why my previously straight-as-straw hair had developed a wave. She asked me if I'd had chemo. No. She then told me I was going into menopause. She was right.

The gift of menopause is wavy hair which only becomes apparent once it's shoulder length. Since I'm in love with the wave, I'm growing it out for the first time in a long time just for me. I'm rediscovering the sensuous feel of my hair brushing against my back and shoulders. Long hair or short, I'm femme. Longer just ups the power in femme for me; that was a pleasant surprise.

[Femmewench]

Originally Posted by homoe

YIKES, one of those upside the head could hurt a butch...........

And get your attention. I'll kiss the boo boo.

[girl_dee]

Looking forward to some community time and being a visible femme !!

[dark_crystal]

I was thinking about this yesterday.

I never was comfortable with "the closet" and have always disclosed my ID to virtually everyone, even in the late 80s and early 90s

And my straight family and friends would be like "god it's nobody's business why do you keep putting it out there people don't care about your sex life"

But the fact is this is only true for butches. When you're a femme, esp a 20-something blonde with DDs, every man is interested in your sex life, and being coy about it is no safer than being open.

And i could never stand being closeted around my female peers either, at work or school, because a lot of times people would start bonding with you and start saying how nice it would be to go shopping or whatever and i always needed to make them aware of my status before we became friends.

Because what if we did go shopping and do lunch and mani pedis or whatever and you didn't find out until months later and then felt betrayed and/or denounced me to everyone we knew?

So there were people who felt i was "hung up" or "in your face" about my sexuality because i talked about and none of their other gay friends did that.

Yes but all of your other gay friends are either androgynous females or effeminate boys, they don't HAVE to talk about it.

And if you are an attractive femme who has been open about her orientation at work and then you find yourself sexually harrassed? Two different managers told me i brought it on myself by letting these men find out i was gay

It sounds so easy to straight people-- just don't say anything. Like work at a place for years and years and just avoid giving direct answers to any relationship questions and don't participate in conversations about relationships. How hard could that be?

[Femmadian]

So earlier this year I cut my hair in a pretty significant (for me) way, donating something like 14 inches and going from waist length curls to a "lob" and just recently I got new glasses which, when I tried them on in store, I immediately thought, "wow, these are so gay." They remind me a bit of Alex Vause's glasses but with a more flattering bridge. So, needless to say, I got them.

And now, new hair and fashionably nerdy glasses in tow, I'm getting the nod and knowing looks so much more! I'm still very Femme-presenting and am stylistically a long way from the pink haired, amply tattooed style that's kind of seen as the default for gay women in certain urban areas, and yet... I've actually had other lesbians seek me out in town because I "didn't look straight" and if I am friendly to a more obviously gay-looking woman I don't know yet, they are so much more receptive to the entire interaction. It's kind of blowing my mind to see first hand the difference in how I'm treated from the get-go and also makes me realize just how cut off I was from in-person community before.

I'd be curious to hear about the specifics of what has worked for you guys over the years, if anything surprised you, and if you ever had a time when your visibility spiked as a result of incidental changes.

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by Femmadian

So earlier this year I cut my hair in a pretty significant (for me) way, donating something like 14 inches and going from waist length curls to a "lob" and just recently I got new glasses which, when I tried them on in store, I immediately thought, "wow, these are so gay." They remind me a bit of Alex Vause's glasses but with a more flattering bridge. So, needless to say, I got them.

And now, new hair and fashionably nerdy glasses in tow, I'm getting the nod and knowing looks so much more! I'm still very Femme-presenting and am stylistically a long way from the pink haired, amply tattooed style that's kind of seen as the default for gay women in certain urban areas, and yet... I've actually had other lesbians seek me out in town because I "didn't look straight" and if I am friendly to a more obviously gay-looking woman I don't know yet, they are so much more receptive to the entire interaction. It's kind of blowing my mind to see first hand the difference in how I'm treated from the get-go and also makes me realize just how cut off I was from in-person community before.

I'd be curious to hear about the specifics of what has worked for you guys over the years, if anything surprised you, and if you ever had a time when your visibility spiked as a result of incidental changes.

Yup. A black leather motorcycle jacket made me visible. It was like turning on a beacon light. I felt the power the first time I wore one and I've never forgotten it. My motorcycle and rainbow sticker bedecked motorcycle helmet finished the job. Now that I own a car and no longer ride all year I often have none of the above signifiers on or around me. As a result I'm now presumed straight in all sorts of circumstances, but I'm somehow seldom aware that I'm being misidentified. That said, I'm told that once I open my mouth and start speaking I'm SO gay.

[charley]

Well, can hardly move after one of my Xmas feasts; it was a lot of fun, and sat with a friend, and we made jokes and all, and laughed and laughed, and I guess we were the loudest there, and eventually, two women came by and asked if they could join us, to which we agreed. We all had a grand time, chatting, and laughing, and munching (altho the Brussels sprouts were not cooked enough - al dente smh - and were actually a tad too hard) and even though there were loads of sweets, they were out of pie!!!!! (I came late - hangs head in shame!!!)

One of the women left, and the other stayed, and finally, she got an opportunity to mention to me and addressing me [as we were sitting opposite], well the word "butch" slipped out of her mouth, and I nodded yes, as in, you are right. Then it occurred to me and so I said, "Hey, how come you are aware of that word?"

And she said, "I'm a lesbian", and since we were all still laughing and joking, she gestured with her left hand and made a big L with her thumb and forefinger over her forehead, and said something to the effect of having to wear a big L printed there since no one would know she was a lesbian, to which we all had a good laugh... femme invisibility...

[clementinefemme]

I don't know if this is a good place to post this, but I had some new friends from work over tonight and they were shocked when I explained to them my identity as a femme lesbian. They expected me to be into other feminine women and expressed clear disappointment when I talked about what I find attractive in partners. When I showed them photos of my celebrity crushes, they didn't hold back their disapproval.

They kept pressuring me to admit that I had liked/dated "regular" women before, but I have not. I don't know how to articulate it exactly, but it was deeply uncomfortable. I felt very isolated and alienated from the group because they made it clear I wasn't "normal" to them. I guess I'm used to this experience in a way, since part of being gender-conforming and straight-passing is the need to repeatedly come out, but this felt particularly hurtful because I liked and trusted these women.

They really did make me feel that the way I experience attraction is wrong and needs "fixing."

I think this is why I feel very reluctant to discuss this topic with anyone, because every time I don't get the understanding and respect that I want.

If anyone has dealt with this before, I would appreciate your insight.

[clementinefemme]

Also, they asked me deeply invasive sexual questions, which I don't think they would have done had I been "normal" to them. We don't know each other well enough to have those kinds of conversations at this point and I don't like that my identity is immediately sexualized in their eyes.

Instead of getting to know me a person, they were hyper-fixated on what I do in the bedroom, which made me feel like even more of a freak. I just tried to deflect the questions, but I could tell that upset them.

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by clementinefemme

Also, they asked me deeply invasive sexual questions, which I don't think they would have done had I been "normal" to them. We don't know each other well enough to have those kinds of conversations at this point and I don't like that my identity is immediately sexualized in their eyes.

Instead of getting to know me a person, they were hyper-fixated on what I do in the bedroom, which made me feel like even more of a freak. I just tried to deflect the questions, but I could tell that upset them.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've been in a similar situation, but I don't have any words of wisdom. On occasion I've answered those kinds of questions and judgements with "When was the last time someone questioned the validity of YOUR preferred 'type'?", and "When was the last time someone asked you whether you or your partner 'wears the pants' in bed?" That shuts them up, but it doesn't stop them from judging me silently. I once caught an extremely negative reaction to a matter-of-fact mention of butch/femme dynamics to a straight woman who I used to work with. (It came up in a conversation which I didn't initiate.) She never looked me in the eye again, and that was the last time she hired me.

I hope you find better, less judgmental friends.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by clementinefemme

Also, they asked me deeply invasive sexual questions, which I don't think they would have done had I been "normal" to them. We don't know each other well enough to have those kinds of conversations at this point and I don't like that my identity is immediately sexualized in their eyes.

Instead of getting to know me a person, they were hyper-fixated on what I do in the bedroom, which made me feel like even more of a freak. I just tried to deflect the questions, but I could tell that upset them.

I'd say that person handed you an unexpected "gift" in being able to identify problematic behavioral issues.

Anybody, whether it's in person or someone you interact with on the internet or social media website, who is, as you stated in your post above, "hyper-fixated on what you do in the bedroom" or "immediately sexualizes your identity" is handing you a big giant Red Flag about them personally.

Consider yourself fortunate that they revealed this aspect about themselves because it saves you from any number of unfortunate scenarios between yourself and the person who reveals these types of problematic behavioral issues.

I like it that you place your own personal safety and security first. Consider your observations about this type of individual as a job well done.

PS/ welcome to the community.