The Mythical *Pass* for Differently-Abled People

[Soft*Silver]

Ijust want to throw my two cents in...

I have been a member of three BF sites to date.

This is the only site where I think the moderators are fair and consistent. On other sites, as someone said, you were basically blindsided by the decisions made. Here, there is a gentleness to the process. It actually diffuses the momentum when a moderator steps in and says "hey, lets calm it down"

I know all too well that I am easy to escalate. It comes from having PTSD. No need to go into why I have it but I do. So, I appreciate it when a neutral person can calmly intervene. It was not like this on the other two sites.

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by softness

Ijust want to throw my two cents in...

I have been a member of three BF sites to date.

This is the only site where I think the moderators are fair and consistent. On other sites, as someone said, you were basically blindsided by the decisions made. Here, there is a gentleness to the process. It actually diffuses the momentum when a moderator steps in and says "hey, lets calm it down"

I know all too well that I am easy to escalate. It comes from having PTSD. No need to go into why I have it but I do. So, I appreciate it when a neutral person can calmly intervene. It was not like this on the other two sites.

Yup.. I can see this with just awareness here about just about any form of DA. I hadn't thought too much about being someone with PTSD that led to agoraphobia and the posting on a website. I mainly have difficulty with this in real-time (startle response, mostly when confronted with anything that similar to my initial trauma trigger). It has been a long time since I recovered from the agoraphobia, but can still have certain situations come up in real-time that strike at past ways of dealing with anxiety and wanting to retreat to what is familiar and safe.! Especially when something happens that is like the early life trauma that happened. Yikes, all those years ago!!

I am thinking more about what you are saying here to gain some insight in terms of possible reactions stemming from posts on the site (for me). We do cover a lot of heavy stuff here and I know at times, my history does get kicked into focus when interacting on threads. Does for everyone.

I have always been so good at compartmentalizing to just survive and do what I need to do to make a living, be a parent, be a partner in the past, deal with the end of life for a partner, take care of a mentally disabled sibling and an aging parent. I can put up a field of coping mechanisms so that I can just do what just has to get done. I do this with chronic pain, too. And although, I really have been a recovering agoraphobic for a long time now, not wanting to slip backwards does come up. Hell, life is pretty stressful sometimes and we all have stuff we deal with.

Thanks, this post gives me pause. And that is a good thing as I know I can get upset around certain issues and begin to feel vulnerable. That is when I can really put on a mask that I bet seems impenetrable. Having to be the therapist and care-taker for so long was a way to remain guarded even when doing work (therapy for myself) around all of this.

Hummm… and one usually develops agoraphobia as a means to stay safe, stay in familiar surroundings. Stay clear of anything that can bring on shear panic or what happened in the first place to traumatize someone. it’s a way able to avoid the initial trauma and anything that is similar. So, guess it makes a lot of sense to feel this way.

This really is a great thread!! Lots of smart peeps!

[Soft*Silver]

I relate to what you said here. I know I can put on a mask too when I am feeling vulnerable, but I bet my mask is harsher than yours. Mine is a sullen, angry, snarling mask. I wasnt the caretaker. I was the scapegoat and so now when I am being blamed for things I didnt do or mean, I do what I did as a child, fight back for survival. My sister was the caretaker..and she wanted peace at any cost, so now she has ulcers. My brother was the Invisible Boy, always staying out of the way so he would never be the target. Problem was, it also meant he never felt loved or cared for. He committed suicide.

sometimes people dont realize what they are doing to others on this site. And nor should they. They arent therapists. But I love the saying someone had as their sig line..."be kind to everyone for they all deal with some kind of harship" (or something like that). I know I have been called on the carpet more than once for not giving people notice about some posts that were horrific to traumazied folks. I try to be much more sensitive about that now. After working in my field for so long, and after the aftermath of my brother's suicide, I have developed a rather calloused skin over things that would make most people gag. And, while I own I can be insensitive about this unknowingly, those who unknowingly trigger my PTSD should also know. But I usually dont tell it. Thats the mask> You have hurt me but I wont let you see the hurt because I firmly believe you will use it to hurt me more. I just wont allow that kind of vulnerability.

Good insight, ALH....


AtLastHome wrote:Thanks, this post gives me pause. And that is a good thing as I know I can get upset around certain issues and begin to feel vulnerable. That is when I can really put on a mask that I bet seems impenetrable. Having to be the therapist and care-taker for so long was a way to remain guarded even when doing work (therapy for myself) around all of this

[Ursy]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

i want to reiterate AGAIN that giving a pass is not about erasing empathy and compassion. people don't seem to be getting that message....

a "pass" is a different set of rules for DA people and a complete lack of personal responsibility.

Oh yeah, I meant to say something about this because it keeps getting buried in other concepts (which are also really important, but what you said above is specifically what this thread is about).

I totally agree - I know I said in my first post that I give everybody passes, DA or not, but having thought about it - under that definition, they aren't passes.

While we seem to be talking all around the subject, but not specifically addressing it, I actually think that most of us are in agreement that being differently abled should not entitle anyone to a pass - i.e. being DA shouldn't absolve them from taking responsibility for their own behaviour (but only according to each person's capacity).

I think the crux of the issue is that there is a whole bunch of societal baggage that informs people what an appropriate response to DA ought to be.

A lot of it is well meaning, but in the end there is a huge grey area between giving a person compassion and understanding because of X, and not holding a person accountable because of X, and where A will see one, B sees the other.. . and it's not always clear-cut who is right.

I believe that this is where the conversation is falling down.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by urs

Oh yeah, I meant to say something about this because it keeps getting buried in other concepts (which are also really important, but what you said above is specifically what this thread is about).

I totally agree - I know I said in my first post that I give everybody passes, DA or not, but having thought about it - under that definition, they aren't passes.

While we seem to be talking all around the subject, but not specifically addressing it, I actually think that most of us are in agreement that being differently abled should not entitle anyone to a pass - i.e. being DA shouldn't absolve them from taking responsibility for their own behaviour (but only according to each person's capacity).

I think the crux of the issue is that there is a whole bunch of societal baggage that informs people what an appropriate response to DA ought to be.

A lot of it is well meaning, but in the end there is a huge grey area between giving a person compassion and understanding because of X, and not holding a person accountable because of X, and where A will see one, B sees the other.. . and it's not always clear-cut who is right.

I believe that this is where the conversation is falling down.

Thank you so much for this post. You completely understand what I wanted this thread to be about, and while it has been important to look at all views I worry that the intent has gotten lost.

So I am glad to see that it has not.

I in no way meant to imply that the level of empathy, compassion, and understanding that we treat others with should fall by the wayside. I am in no way saying that the moderators and admins do not give individual consideration on a case by case basis. That means that when there is any kind of issue involving a DA'd person they are going to go above and beyond to be aware of the issues specific to that DA'd person.

I think we all have personal attachments to this, and the lenses we are viewing it through are multiple.

I not only get that, I totally respect it.

I also want people to be aware that The Planet is committed to this community being accessible to differently abled people. That commitment includes going an extra mile (or ten) when dealing with issues that might come up. It means that behind the scenes, there are usually several attempts at solutions until the right one fits.

I understand that it this is a new and different thing within an online b/f community, and I would hope that people are able to have faith in what The Planet is all about, and have faith that doors aren't going to be slammed in your face here because you are differently abled and have a unique way of communicating.

I'd also like to stress that if you contact myself or the mods/admins and need help that it is confidential (outside of the aforementioned). If you are differently abled but choose to be private about it to the community at large, please know that if you choose to share that (say you need assistance or whatever) your information will always remain private.

[Leigh]

I want to thank everyone who has posted here so far, your insight and thoughts have really resonated with Me. I have been on disability for two years now (going on three), for both depression and panic/anxiety attacks. I am the first to admit that I used to expect passes to be given to Me, whether it was for something I said or something I did it was just what I expected. I would often blame being lazy, missing school/work etc on My depression and it just got to the point where if I did or said anything wrong My usual response was that is was My depression acting up.

Even within the last few months I admit that I still looked for people around Me to automatically hand Me a pass, simply because I had gotten used to it. I'm not proud of this, by any means, and am trying My hardest to change because there is no reason to get this so-called "pass". I'm a grown person with no excuse to sail through life expecting that its not only going to be easy, but that I can use being depressed as a cover-up for not taking responsibility for My own actions. Sometimes it takes a thread like this to make a person think about what they are doing in their own lives, and that is what it has done for Me.

I take reading this thread as being that proverbial *kick in the ASS* to get Me to see that things in My life need to change. So thank you to SF and everyone else who contributes to this thread, it takes brave people like all of you to bring such a sensitive subject to the table and share experiences that may not be happy ones but they are beneficial to the discussion ~ keep up the great work everyone

[Soft*Silver]

God, I love watching evolution of the soul !!! You go, Braedon!!!

[violaine]

[QUOTE=urs;154186]Oh yeah, I meant to say something about this because it keeps getting buried in other concepts (which are also really important, but what you said above is specifically what this thread is about).

i, too, think other concepts are very important - and sometimes, how i am able to get 'round' to the heart of a matter. in person, it might take me a while to get there, even if some kind of answer is already in my head. this may or may not be amusing to people, and doesn't happen each and every time- but i do/can process at length.

I totally agree - I know I said in my first post that I give everybody passes, DA or not, but having thought about it - under that definition, they aren't passes.

While we seem to be talking all around the subject, but not specifically addressing it, I actually think that most of us are in agreement that being differently abled should not entitle anyone to a pass - i.e. being DA shouldn't absolve them from taking responsibility for their own behaviour (but only according to each person's capacity).

for me, issues surrounding the thread 'subject' are just what may provide tangibility- what has happened/what i already know, i can address from actual experiences. a pass for DA individual, like myself, not taking responsibility doesn't go far communication-wise [for me] because i will accept responsibility sans pass, and in order for me to discuss anyone else DA neglecting to accept responsibility, i have to try to come up with who/what/when/where i've come across that situation.

note: processing usually works out the way i have described, until i read more and something else may click about 'intent'. subtext comes easier for some people on the spectrum, and being literal most times does not apply to every aspergian.

adorable, thank you for asking questions about AS. i love forums/research/the net because i do prefer a quiet environment. i love to read, and like ursy wrote, with a computer, i control the environment. no background commotion save NPR or pig chatter [smile].

i get so thrown, i'll admit- about things foreign to my own wiring, that i see here/there, and a lot of it has to do with how quickly people seem to 'read' each other with high emotion/tones - or an agenda- i rarely see 'tones' or agendas, but the outcomes of such conversation.

also, i am not sure that i view this thread as 'falling down' - but that's because i don't mind a less travelled path, and savour the 'getting there' as much as any ah-ha moments. i get an opportunity to see more ways of processing.

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by softness

God, I love watching evolution of the soul !!! You go, Braedon!!!

(((((((((((((Softness))))))))))))) You've always been a personal cheerleader of Mine and knowing that I have your support means the world to Me, so thank you

I wanted to personally thank those who repped Me with such positive comments for My above post, I know it takes alot of guts for many of us to admit things that we never would have before. Reading this thread really gave Me the push to see that while I may be differently-abled for some reason, My life is much more than My disability. I'm more than depression, I'm more than anxiety ~ I'm a person, a human being with feelings just like everyone else. I dream, I want, I live, I laugh, I love, I hurt, I cry etc ~ I'm no different than anyone else, and if someone treats Me less than good because they have their own stigma's about disabilities (be they mental or physical etc) then I don't need them in their lives.

To those of us who are brave enough to face each day with a smile, and for those of you who love us regardless, I admire every one of you

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by Braedon

(((((((((((((Softness))))))))))))) You've always been a personal cheerleader of Mine and knowing that I have your support means the world to Me, so thank you

I wanted to personally thank those who repped Me with such positive comments for My above post, I know it takes alot of guts for many of us to admit things that we never would have before. Reading this thread really gave Me the push to see that while I may be differently-abled for some reason, My life is much more than My disability. I'm more than depression, I'm more than anxiety ~ I'm a person, a human being with feelings just like everyone else. I dream, I want, I live, I laugh, I love, I hurt, I cry etc ~ I'm no different than anyone else, and if someone treats Me less than good because they have their own stigma's about disabilities (be they mental or physical etc) then I don't need them in their lives.

To those of us who are brave enough to face each day with a smile, and for those of you who love us regardless, I admire every one of you

Braedon, your posts in this thread are nothing short of amazing. How special of you to share your ah-ha moment.

It is SO hard to put such personal things out there on the web for all to see, and when I chose to do so in regards to my different abilities it was in the hope that I could build bridges to others like me. So the fact that you just got brave and shared these pieces of yourself makes it all worth it.

I love what you said about being more than your disability. You're right, the sum of all your parts is so much deeper than that one piece of your puzzle.

I admire you back, times 100.