The Mythical *Pass* for Differently-Abled People

[Soft*Silver]

and your addresses, and work place names and towns, and your personal emails...

online predators arent always child molesters. Sometimes they are people who like to create chaos..it serves as a way of feeling in control. If they are the one creating the chaos, then they can affect its pace and direction. And this chaos is attention serving. They also "groom" their victims just like a child molester grooms his victims. Bonding, isolating, splitting behaviors (he said this about you, so he isnt my friend anymore..you are!) creating a codependency between you and them, stroking your ego (I fell for this and ashamedly, I admit it. Taught me a valuable lesson), etc. Once groomed, you are invested with someone who is a master/mistress of manipulation. And yes, they ARE DA...but as others have said, none of us are acting as therapists or social workers on this site. And this level of behavior can exceed appropriate behavior for ANYONE on this site..

these kind of folks are rarer than a albino zebra. But they are around, and I did find one on another site. I had to take a good hard look at why I fell for this. And it was ego based. (Working hard on that now.) 99.9% of the people you meet online will not be anything like this. But .01% will be.

I have learned not to give out too much information too soon.

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

So sorry this happened to you. You make a good point that there are on line predators.

You know, that does make sense, if someone refuses to use the ignore button, then why would they listen to someone supposed to help them.

We need to be very careful who we give our phone numbers to. Very careful.

[SuperFemme]

I would like to reiterate this: Nobody is being asked to change. Or to "grow their capacity". I want that to be very clear. Asking people to work with the capacity that they already have is not asking anyone to change. It is not asking people to suddenly have a greater capacity. Simply to work with what you've got.

Also, I would like to once more be super clear about what the "Mythical Pass" is that I am referring to. Because I feel that the definition keeps getting lost.
Mythical Pass = not requiring a differently abled person to follow the rules.

A pass is NOT about giving somebody leeway. Not about choosing to act/interact with a person when concerns come up. Not about abandoning the empathy & compassion with which the admin/owner treat everyone with. Not a witch hunt. Not about advocating (or not) for another member.

I *hear* the AS members and their concerns. There is no agenda, and nobody is complaining about you. Nor asking you to change. I feel like this pass issue has struck a chord that is not positive.

I am also not demanding people come to me for anything. I *am* here should anyone choose to do that, but please, feel free to look to your peers or whomever it may be that can be of assistance. Hell go right to the mods/admins if you have an issue. But please? Don't not go to anyone. If something is not addressed, it can not be changed.

Softness? I wanted to thank you for sharing your experience, that was really valuable information. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
But? It sounds like you have done the hard work around it and that it won't easily happen again. That is success.

Anyone that does feel ok about coming to me? Pls know that you can do so for any number of reasons. My goal is to make sure that the site is aware of any changes needed, and that we have proper outreach to differently abled members.

[violaine]

[QUOTE=SuperFemme;157752]I would like to reiterate this: Nobody is being asked to change. Or to "grow their capacity". I want that to be very clear. Asking people to work with the capacity that they already have is not asking anyone to change. It is not asking people to suddenly have a greater capacity. Simply to work with what you've got.

Also, I would like to once more be super clear about what the "Mythical Pass" is that I am referring to. Because I feel that the definition keeps getting lost.
Mythical Pass = not requiring a differently abled person to follow the rules.

A pass is NOT about giving somebody leeway. N''ot about choosing to act/interact with a person when concerns come up. Not about abandoning the empathy & compassion with which the admin/owner treat everyone with. Not a witch hunt. Not about advocating (or not) for another member.

I *hear* the AS members and their concerns. There is no agenda, and nobody is complaining about you. Nor asking you to change. I feel like this pass issue has struck a chord that is not positive.

SuperFemme,

i was thinking about something-

when you write that the 'definition keeps getting lost' and/or the pass issue has 'struck a negative chord' - i'm wondering if it's because there are other DA people in this thread, and not everyone will see things the way you see/comprehend them?

i probably will not/cannot process exactly the same as another aspie- but we may have a better understanding of things we try to communicate between ourselves, due to at least, some of the AT wiring. maybe i have the most reasons/times for editing [smile].

does this make sense?

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by softness

and your addresses, and work place names and towns, and your personal emails...

online predators arent always child molesters. Sometimes they are people who like to create chaos..it serves as a way of feeling in control. If they are the one creating the chaos, then they can affect its pace and direction. And this chaos is attention serving. They also "groom" their victims just like a child molester grooms his victims. Bonding, isolating, splitting behaviors (he said this about you, so he isnt my friend anymore..you are!) creating a codependency between you and them, stroking your ego (I fell for this and ashamedly, I admit it. Taught me a valuable lesson), etc. Once groomed, you are invested with someone who is a master/mistress of manipulation. And yes, they ARE DA...but as others have said, none of us are acting as therapists or social workers on this site. And this level of behavior can exceed appropriate behavior for ANYONE on this site..

these kind of folks are rarer than a albino zebra. But they are around, and I did find one on another site. I had to take a good hard look at why I fell for this. And it was ego based. (Working hard on that now.) 99.9% of the people you meet online will not be anything like this. But .01% will be.

I have learned not to give out too much information too soon.

Good advise!

Unfortunately, that very, very samall percentage does exist and adults can certainly be taken advantaged of (or manipulated) by these people and targeted. No, don't give out to much information, too soon. Nothing wrong with caution.

[Apocalipstic]

I do think that is someone wanted to help and be a buddy it should be someone of the same gender. I think wayyy less confusion would happen that way.

and

Don't give out your phone numbers and adresses to anyone!

[Soft*Silver]

I think gender has little to do with it.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I do think that is someone wanted to help and be a buddy it should be someone of the same gender. I think wayyy less confusion would happen that way.

and

Don't give out your phone numbers and adresses to anyone!

what is your line of thinking on this?

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

what is your line of thinking on this?

Liam suggested it and I think if it is something he wants to do, it might be cool. I really have no idea how it would work, but admire him for suggesting it.

I am not really stable enough mood and time wise on a day to day basis to do somethting like this myself and honestly, do not have the patience. If I made good suggestions and the person refused to make any changes, I would be DONE. Laugh! I would be a nagging freak. Plus, I don't always say the right things myself.

I do also think it is important to know predators are out there and to be very very careful like Softness said. I thought maybe if the person needing help was a guy, having a guy buddy would keep anyone from getting any "ideas" as it were, or same if it's a Femme or Butch. But if the person is really a predator with nothing wrong with them (and they are out there) then no amount of Buddy is going to help.

So, to sumarize....
I could not do it
and it depends on the person, if something is ACTUALLY wrong with them and are they the type to accept help.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Liam suggested it and I think if it is something he wants to do, it might be cool. I really have no idea how it would work, but admire him for suggesting it.

I am not really stable enough mood and time wise on a day to day basis to do somethting like this myself and honestly, do not have the patience. If I made good suggestions and the person refused to make any changes, I would be DONE. Laugh! I would be a nagging freak. Plus, I don't always say the right things myself.

I do also think it is important to know predators are out there and to be very very careful like Softness said. I thought maybe if the person needing help was a guy, having a guy buddy would keep anyone from getting any "ideas" as it were, or same
if it's a Femme or Butch. But if the person is really a predator with nothing wrong with them (and they are out there) then no amount of Buddy is going to help.

So, to sumarize....
I could not do it
and it depends on the person, if something is ACTUALLY wrong with them and are they the type to accept help.

what is "it" that liam suggested?
was it in this thread, or somewhere else?
the only suggestion i can find by Liam is to put people on ignore.

what am i missing? (its making me question my sanity, not yours)

i totally support a buddy system in any capacity, but think it is a myth that femmes and butches/transfolk cannot have a relationship that isn't sexual.

i would hope that anyone being harassed by or otherwise affected by a predator would remember to use the report system, or pm a mod or admin.

[Soft*Silver]

In AA, they suggest you get a sponsor of the opposite sex. Why? Because then you wont have sexual or romantic feelings about them.

How heterosexist.

I had sponsors who were straight females and lesbians and bisexuals. Inappropriate shit happened with all of them. The straight chick thought I was stealing her gay homophobic boyfriend. The bisexual kept grabbing my hands and putting them on her breasts. The lesbian relapsed and ran off with my ex's best friend. Its a wonder I stayed sober. But, its a program of recovery and its INEVITABLE shit is going to happen, downhill or uphill.

And I have had straight men, gay men and bisexual men as sponsors. Straight man hit on me. In a fatherly way. (tell me that didnt fuck with my inventory!)The gay man was wonderful but I moved away and then his son died..we drifted apart sadly. The bisexual is dead...AIDS. Again, shit happens, its a program of recovery and its INEVITABLE problems would occur.

But, AA doesnt promise a perfect life, it just promises coping skills to deal with life.

And THATS why i didnt drink...

to bring this around to our new topic in this thread: gender.

Its heterosexist to think opposite genders cant work together. yes, heterosexists because it is based on the duelity of genders system of orientation. I dont know about you but I left that tricycle along time ago. No offense meant, Ap, but someone of my gender has nothing to do with my mental health and social issues. Who I sleep with or live with or fall in love with does not determine how well I will function with A, B, or C. Let alone J, and K.

btw...my sponsor now is a lesbian who is in a loving committed long term relationship with a guy. I dont know his orientation. Do I care? Not a bit. She is a damn good sponsor and I am working hard at what she gives me because she has what I want and it aint her vagina.

so...just wanted to elaborate on what I didnt have time to say earlier....

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

what is "it" that liam suggested?
was it in this thread, or somewhere else?
the only suggestion i can find by Liam is to put people on ignore.

what am i missing? (its making me question my sanity, not yours)

i totally support a buddy system in any capacity, but think it is a myth that femmes and butches/transfolk cannot have a relationship that isn't sexual.

i would hope that anyone being harassed by or otherwise affected by a predator would remember to use the report system, or pm a mod or admin.

Maybe it was someone else

sorry I thought it was Liam
I don't have time to go look.

Of course we can all be friends, I just keep reading about Femmes feeling unsafe, that is the only reason I suggested it. If no one actualy feel unsafe, then there is no problem.

Really a this point, I don't care anymore if someone feels unsafe if they won't just use the ignore button and insist on giving out their phone numbers and addresses.