Dating a Trans Person (FTM)

[Zora77]

Originally Posted by Ursy

Hi Zora

I've been with my guy nearly 10 years now, he started on T about 5 years ago.

Don't worry, you will get used to using male pronouns - what really helped me was to join a Yahoo group for SOFFAs (Significant Others, Friends, Family and Allies) of FTMs where I could talk about it with others who were going through / had gone through the same thing in their relationships.

The identity thing - well, I loosely identify as pan-sexual / queer femme / whatever so it wasn't a big problem for me, but yes, it can be a sticking point for some, definitely.

As for changes to the relationship, there were many - it's a complex journey our guys go on and it's quite amazing how hormones can change a person! First of all, Kris is much much happier than he used to be. I know there is sometimes a worry about T making a guy more aggressive, but we didn't find this to be the case. He would get moody if his T shot schedule was off, but otherwise has become more emotionally stable. Personally, I think that if someone is not a naturally aggressive person, T won't make them aggressive.

I could write a tome about this so I'll stop now and give you a chance to read this post before it becomes too big!

Cheers,
Ursy

Thank you Ursy for your encouraging words! It's all very fresh for me and I know I have a tendency to worry too much, so I'll try not to do that and just go with the flow. I'll definitely check out the Yahoo group! If you would not mind sharing, I'd be interested in what some of the changes where your relationship underwent as a result of his transition - in addition to making Kris a happier person which is great. Thanks again.

Z.

[Ursy]

Originally Posted by Zora77

Thank you Ursy for your encouraging words! It's all very fresh for me and I know I have a tendency to worry too much, so I'll try not to do that and just go with the flow. I'll definitely check out the Yahoo group! If you would not mind sharing, I'd be interested in what some of the changes where your relationship underwent as a result of his transition - in addition to making Kris a happier person which is great. Thanks again.

Z.

Sure! Well, first of all, I think Kris emotes quite a bit less. He's less likely to want to talk "relationship stuff" - it was just a subtle shift that happened over time. I have asked other guys who have been on T and many have found that their experience is similar.

Everyone is different though - for example, one of my FTM friends does NOT cry anymore. He sometimes wishes he could, just for some kind of tension release - but he can't.

I've thought about it at length and in some ways, yes - he is still the same person I fell in love with... but in other ways, he is different. You could put that down to other things as well though - it can be hard to separate the changes that are attributable to transition and those that aren't (for example, I have also changed over the years and am not the same person Kris fell in love with in the beginning).

Will think on it some more and get back to you

[SFFemmePrincess]

Hey Zora!

I have been with Logic for about a year and a half now. We met on another site like this one and I knew he was trans from the get go. But when we met, he wasn't yet out to his family, co-workers, or really anyone outside of his online social networks and it was my first relationship with a TransGuy. I had a lot of the same fears, concerns, questions that you have.

As far as the pronouns go, you'll get there. I think it's especially hard if he was previously going by female pronouns and now wants to switch to male. It's completely reasonable for him to request that you do it, but it's also reasonable for you to slip sometimes and he has to understand that. It took a couple months for me to stop slipping, but now its very rare, and usually only happens if I am in a conversation with his family because they are still using female pronouns and its hard for my brain to concentrate on both the conversation and keeping the pronouns correct.

As far as your friends and family are concerned, its difficult, especially because they are used to you being a lesbian and dating female identified people. It might feel like it requires an explanation, but it only requires explanation if you desire to give an explanation. It's your relationship and as long as you are happy then that's all that matters. And yeah, sometimes it's difficult to deal with their lack of understanding, or lack of knowledge masquerading as lack of understanding. But you take it one step at a time, one conversation at a time and understand that for some people, thinking outside the gender binary is hard and takes time. As long as they aren't making you feel uncomfortable or being mean, just do your best to absorb the knowledge to be able to educate the people in your life that you care about.

And as far as your identity goes, every person considers and comes to their identity differently. But thats the beautiful thing about it. Your identity is YOURS and you can do with it what you will. For me, my identity has nothing to do with my partners identity. I went down a long road and finally came out the other side identifying as a Transensual Femme Lesbian. I like it and feel that it accurately describes me. I personally do not feel that having a boyfriend makes me straight. I think it does help though that Logic also does not identify as a straight male, and has no desire to have me be a straight girl to his straight guy. He is currently pre-T, pre-op, but even after he will always be queer. There are some guys who go through transition, identify as a straight male, leave their past in the past, and date straight girls. This type of relationship would not work for me because my queerness and queer community is too important to me.

Wow, ok that was kind of a lot, so I'll leave it at that for now. But there is a thread for SOFFA's, so feel free to pop in over there too! Clicky Clicky

Also, feel free to PM me anytime and maybe we can meet up for coffee sometime since we are in the same city!

[MsDemeanor]

Someone might want to mention to you the part about going on T where their sex drive goes through the roof. It can be all sex all the time for a while.

[betenoire]

Hi, Zora. I'm Brandy.

For your question about what it means for your identity....well. Really, nobody and nothing can make you anything than what you are. If you feel Queer - you're Queer.

That's certainly not the end of the story, though. It's a conversation that the two of you are going to have to have at some point, I'd think...regarding YOU and your identity. You do not have to transition (for lack of a better word) just because he is - and he needs to respect you and who you are.

And then there's the T. I certainly haven't dated every transguy on the planet (thank goodness, cuz that sounds wicked time consuming) so I'm no expert. But IN MY EXPERIENCE (which comes with the disclaimer that it's not true for every person every time) sometimes guys can get real self-centred when physical changes start happening. And rightfully so - I get that it's exciting. But for myself...I can only have so many conversations about "is this a new hair?" before I go completely batshit crazy and bolt.

I guess the key to navigating that stage will be lots of talk and boundary setting BEFORE it happens - which I never had the foresight to do. If you can be clear about what you need and your guy can remember that there are two of you in the relationship, you should be good to go.

[Linus]

To add a viewpoint from the other side of things you may want to encourage your guy to find a support group in the area. That way he won't constantly bug you with questions like the one Betenoire mentions. For me, it made a huge difference in my relationship with K since I could lean on others for support when it became too much for her.

You may also want to find a support group for yourself (SOFFA) that is queer oriented. A lot of the questions and such that you're asking may also be ones you could ask others to find out what their take is on it in a more personal setting.

[Isadora]

Originally Posted by MsDemeanor

Someone might want to mention to you the part about going on T where their sex drive goes through the roof. It can be all sex all the time for a while.

This is a challenge? LOL I love a good challenge.

[Jet]

I didn't realize being trans or in transition is such a hassle to partners.

[Melissa]

Originally Posted by Jet

I didn't realize being trans or in transition is such a hassle to partners.

Jet- I'm not reading anyone's post as saying it is a hassle. I think you have grossly misunderstood my post that I made earlier. I am just writing to say in no way was my post meant to imply what you are charging here. Nor do I think anyone else's post implies this.

Melissa

[Isadora]

Originally Posted by Jet

I didn't realize being trans or in transition is such a hassle to partners.

Seriously, I don't think it is a hassle. I think what it does is make you look at your old paradigms of how you feel about your self, how you feel about men and learning to accept the changes that come along with any paradigm shift in yourself or someone you love.

I found it not to be challenging in the changes he went through but I did look at myself differently. In that wow, I felt comfortable, I felt cherished and respected as a partner, I felt honoured to be part of his life. I still do. I learned so much about him and so much about me. I learned about integrity and honesty. I learned that my "labels" for myself, the names I used to id flowed more graciously into my life and I changed, I transformed with him.

I used to watch him when we checked into hotels. The painful expression of having to explain why the ID did not meet the 6' man that was standing before her. When that changed there was a broadening of comfort, a hallelujah of joy and I just wanted to throw my arms in the air and dance like I was in some kind of musical.

Do I get seen as another woman with her man. Why, yes I probably did and do. Do I care? No, I just wanted my man. I just wanted to see the smile that started from his heart and shows so bright in his eyes.

To me, this is not a hassle.

[Melissa]

Originally Posted by Isadora

Seriously, I don't think it is a hassle. I think what it does is make you look at your old paradigms of how you feel about your self, how you feel about men and learning to accept the changes that come along with any paradigm shift in yourself or someone you love.

I found it not to be challenging in the changes he went through but I did look at myself differently. In that wow, I felt comfortable, I felt cherished and respected as a partner, I felt honoured to be part of his life. I still do. I learned so much about him and so much about me. I learned about integrity and honesty. I learned that my "labels" for myself, the names I used to id flowed more graciously into my life and I changed, I transformed with him.

I used to watch him when we checked into hotels. The painful expression of having to explain why the ID did not meet the 6' man that was standing before her. When that changed there was a broadening of comfort, a hallelujah of joy and I just wanted to throw my arms in the air and dance like I was in some kind of musical.

Do I get seen as another woman with her man. Why, yes I probably did and do. Do I care? No, I just wanted my man. I just wanted to see the smile that started from his heart and shown so bright in his eyes.

To me, this is not a hassle.

Great post. It really does make you think about gender, identity, sexuality, relationships. It opens up a whole new point of view and its been very welcomed. I think we go on this journey with our partners and share many of their fears and hopes and also enjoy all the positives. For me, there have been no negatives.

Melissa

[Words]

Originally Posted by Jet

I didn't realize being trans or in transition is such a hassle to partners.

What IS a hassle is when folks talk down to/look down on those of us who, in spite of the many challenges associated with being someone who is trans, opt to give them our full support but whilst acknowledging that it's not always fucking easy.

Case in point. My daughter is special needs and requires two people to help her bathe. B. and I have always been those two people, but now, because of B's ever changing appearance (Hy is masculinizing, rather than transitioning), I have to worry about whether or not others would deem this appropriate and whether some do gooder somewhere would get it into their head to throw wild accusations at U/us because in spite of being my daugher's step parent and carer, B. now appears to be a guy. So am I showing I'm 'hassled' if I talk about that? Worry about that? Turn to others for advice? No. I'm showing I'm human Jet.

Words