Dating a Trans Person (FTM)

[MsDemeanor]

Someone might want to mention to you the part about going on T where their sex drive goes through the roof. It can be all sex all the time for a while.

[betenoire]

Hi, Zora. I'm Brandy.

For your question about what it means for your identity....well. Really, nobody and nothing can make you anything than what you are. If you feel Queer - you're Queer.

That's certainly not the end of the story, though. It's a conversation that the two of you are going to have to have at some point, I'd think...regarding YOU and your identity. You do not have to transition (for lack of a better word) just because he is - and he needs to respect you and who you are.

And then there's the T. I certainly haven't dated every transguy on the planet (thank goodness, cuz that sounds wicked time consuming) so I'm no expert. But IN MY EXPERIENCE (which comes with the disclaimer that it's not true for every person every time) sometimes guys can get real self-centred when physical changes start happening. And rightfully so - I get that it's exciting. But for myself...I can only have so many conversations about "is this a new hair?" before I go completely batshit crazy and bolt.

I guess the key to navigating that stage will be lots of talk and boundary setting BEFORE it happens - which I never had the foresight to do. If you can be clear about what you need and your guy can remember that there are two of you in the relationship, you should be good to go.

[Linus]

To add a viewpoint from the other side of things you may want to encourage your guy to find a support group in the area. That way he won't constantly bug you with questions like the one Betenoire mentions. For me, it made a huge difference in my relationship with K since I could lean on others for support when it became too much for her.

You may also want to find a support group for yourself (SOFFA) that is queer oriented. A lot of the questions and such that you're asking may also be ones you could ask others to find out what their take is on it in a more personal setting.

[Isadora]

Originally Posted by MsDemeanor

Someone might want to mention to you the part about going on T where their sex drive goes through the roof. It can be all sex all the time for a while.

This is a challenge? LOL I love a good challenge.

[Jet]

I didn't realize being trans or in transition is such a hassle to partners.

[Melissa]

Originally Posted by Jet

I didn't realize being trans or in transition is such a hassle to partners.

Jet- I'm not reading anyone's post as saying it is a hassle. I think you have grossly misunderstood my post that I made earlier. I am just writing to say in no way was my post meant to imply what you are charging here. Nor do I think anyone else's post implies this.

Melissa

[Isadora]

Originally Posted by Jet

I didn't realize being trans or in transition is such a hassle to partners.

Seriously, I don't think it is a hassle. I think what it does is make you look at your old paradigms of how you feel about your self, how you feel about men and learning to accept the changes that come along with any paradigm shift in yourself or someone you love.

I found it not to be challenging in the changes he went through but I did look at myself differently. In that wow, I felt comfortable, I felt cherished and respected as a partner, I felt honoured to be part of his life. I still do. I learned so much about him and so much about me. I learned about integrity and honesty. I learned that my "labels" for myself, the names I used to id flowed more graciously into my life and I changed, I transformed with him.

I used to watch him when we checked into hotels. The painful expression of having to explain why the ID did not meet the 6' man that was standing before her. When that changed there was a broadening of comfort, a hallelujah of joy and I just wanted to throw my arms in the air and dance like I was in some kind of musical.

Do I get seen as another woman with her man. Why, yes I probably did and do. Do I care? No, I just wanted my man. I just wanted to see the smile that started from his heart and shows so bright in his eyes.

To me, this is not a hassle.

[Melissa]

Originally Posted by Isadora

Seriously, I don't think it is a hassle. I think what it does is make you look at your old paradigms of how you feel about your self, how you feel about men and learning to accept the changes that come along with any paradigm shift in yourself or someone you love.

I found it not to be challenging in the changes he went through but I did look at myself differently. In that wow, I felt comfortable, I felt cherished and respected as a partner, I felt honoured to be part of his life. I still do. I learned so much about him and so much about me. I learned about integrity and honesty. I learned that my "labels" for myself, the names I used to id flowed more graciously into my life and I changed, I transformed with him.

I used to watch him when we checked into hotels. The painful expression of having to explain why the ID did not meet the 6' man that was standing before her. When that changed there was a broadening of comfort, a hallelujah of joy and I just wanted to throw my arms in the air and dance like I was in some kind of musical.

Do I get seen as another woman with her man. Why, yes I probably did and do. Do I care? No, I just wanted my man. I just wanted to see the smile that started from his heart and shown so bright in his eyes.

To me, this is not a hassle.

Great post. It really does make you think about gender, identity, sexuality, relationships. It opens up a whole new point of view and its been very welcomed. I think we go on this journey with our partners and share many of their fears and hopes and also enjoy all the positives. For me, there have been no negatives.

Melissa

[julieisafemme]

Hi Zora. There is a lot of support for partners in San Francisco. I go to a once a month meeting there and I will send you the information on that. It is hugely helpful to me.

I met my partner almost two years ago. He had been on T for 6 months. I have always related to him as he so that was not an issue for me. The change physically, emotionally and spiritually for him has been quite an experience. I can relate to all the things other partners have posted. I have spent a lot of time considering my own gender and his. I have read a lot of books on the subject. We also went to the Gender Spectrum conference in Seattle last year. I highly recommend that. The next one is in 2011.

The whole identity thing is kind of a can of worms for me. Both my partner and I are happy and comfortable to identify as Queer. We can parse it down from there but we are Queer and my partner is not in the closet about his gender. Not that this is a bad thing. Just a choice he has made and that I am fine with as well.

The most tiresome aspect of his transition has been explaning it to others. If you can, set boundaries around that. It took me a year before I realized that I do not have to answer everyone's questions! That took a huge burden off me.

[PearlsNLace]

Im so glad you have found us.

I have been with a few guys, in varying stages of transition. Some, I have casually dated. 2, have been partners. My fiance just got his prescription for T, and due to the fact that its going through an online pharmacy, literally the change is in the mail.

I did not struggle with pronouns when I have dated transguys. But, as a mother to a transwoman (my former foster child is almost 22years old) I have found it difficult to speak of the past. In OUR past, my storys are of who HE was, what HE did. It can be difficult to share without sharing more than is needed. There are people I am sure who wonder why I always talk about my sons past, and whats going on with my daughters future. I find today that I explain details on an as needed basis. My needs, I might add, not any one elses needs.

Each guy will handle his transition uniquely. One guy I dated got very enthusiastic about every facial hair that grew, and frequently used my masquera or eyelash dye to make them stand out. And wanted me to celebrate with each new hair. Ive met guys who have chosen to stay clean shaven throughout even their early journey with T. Voice changes, fat pad changes, all of these will have a different meaning for each person.
And, I know some guys who do NOT start T, and there are a host of reasons for that. And then there are the challenges of binding the chest vs surgery, or is that a big deal at all? It isnt at all for 2 men I know- one whos chest is clearly evident (while sporting a full beard) and one guy who binds enough that it just doesnt show and he passes without comment.

Is it a hassle to go through this? Honestly (to Jet) it can be for me. But that has more to do with what the quality of the RELATIONSHIP Im having with the person at the time. And the individuals maturity and personality pre T is a big deal. If the only social conversation the guy Im dating seems to be able to have is about gender, his transition, the way the world reacts differently as he begins to pass, and more about HIM, then, well, truth is his transition is probably just exacerbating the features that were allready there, like being a boring self absorbed pain in the ass. Im not saying that transition isnt a big deal, because it is. But I have found that for a early transitioning relationship to thrive there needs to be other things that also take precidence in focus. Interests that do NOT revolve around transition are vital.

I have often dealt with the "does this make you straight" question. For me, I feel it just reaffirms just how queer I am. Im so queer, you cant tell unless you know a LOT about my sex practices, and there are just a thousand things you really dont need to know, if your still asking me if Im straight now. This is my newest come back, and I am by no means an expert. Quippy comebacks have been usefull for me. But it depends on the mood Im in, and the setting/the relationship with the asker that I have, and what my needs are.

I keep bringing up needs. There is a reason. As I was first getting into a relationship with a guy in early transition, it was at a time I was not clear on what my needs where. Nor did I have the self esteem to realize it was ok to have needs if they were in opposition to someone elses needs. I hadnt learned to voice them, I didnt know that comprimises could be made. I just gave in. Gave energy, gave time, gave money, and gave a lot of emotion to someone elses needs. That was my part in creating a bad situation. I learned a whole hell of a lot by that, and do not regret that part of my journey today. What I know now, a few years later is that 1) i have needs 2) I can communicate those needs 3) I can listen to others needs 4) I can help us both get our needs met (often. Sometimes not, and when that happens, it sucks, but the communication keeps going.) These lessons helped me have a really solid relationship begin with someone else. And Im happily engaged to Paphigleo today.

Since some have allready addressed emotional demeanor and personality issues, Im only going to add what I havent seen in the discussion all ready.
Usually, what I see is that T helps a guy settle into his own self. I know thats vague. Paphigleos words are probably more clear, so I will borrow them- what he has seen is that it "chills them out". Clear as mud? Ive seen guys become less, not more, agitated. Now, I have seen the response time between stimulus and reaction shorten, squeezing out the space for rational thought, creating Homer Simpson like DOH! moments. (for those not indoctrinated in all that is Simpson, I apologize for the reference) It is importatant for testosterone levels to be regulated. When a guy is on too much T, over reactions can be bad and its not pretty. My favorite example of this is on a popular movie called "50 first dates" with Drew Barrymore. The main charachters brother is a pretty comedic representation of what too much testosterone can look like.

This is a journey. No one can tell you what the true destination will be. So find some friends who love you, who SEE YOU, and know that your need for information and support is VALID. Again, Im glad you found US.

Pearls

[SFFemmePrincess]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

Hi Zora. There is a lot of support for partners in San Francisco. I go to a once a month meeting there and I will send you the information on that. It is hugely helpful to me.

Can you send me the information as well julie? Thanks!

[Words]

Originally Posted by Jet

I didn't realize being trans or in transition is such a hassle to partners.

What IS a hassle is when folks talk down to/look down on those of us who, in spite of the many challenges associated with being someone who is trans, opt to give them our full support but whilst acknowledging that it's not always fucking easy.

Case in point. My daughter is special needs and requires two people to help her bathe. B. and I have always been those two people, but now, because of B's ever changing appearance (Hy is masculinizing, rather than transitioning), I have to worry about whether or not others would deem this appropriate and whether some do gooder somewhere would get it into their head to throw wild accusations at U/us because in spite of being my daugher's step parent and carer, B. now appears to be a guy. So am I showing I'm 'hassled' if I talk about that? Worry about that? Turn to others for advice? No. I'm showing I'm human Jet.

Words