Loving a Transman Isn't Easy

[Nat]

I struggled to get myself out of the closet, and I made a decision at some point that nobody will be shoving me back into one. My life is as important as the life of whomever I'm with. When I came out, I found myself attracted to people with an entire array of identities - and matching an identity with the attraction/chemistry was like playing pin-the-tail-on-the-sexy-ass-masculine-person-in-a-seemingly-female-body. It took me a while to learn that however a person presents on the outside, there's no telling how that person identifies or feels on the inside unless it's discussed honestly.

Of the people I've dated since coming out, some have been butch, some have been trans, some have been bois, some have not identified, some have been femmish (I'm using the term "date" very loosely here...).

I've known many who have spoken of transitioning and not gone through with it (at least not yet). I've known others who never speak of it, then just start it.

I think honesty is a two-way street, and you can only admit to somebody else what you are willing to admit to yourself. Since I spent much time figuring out my gender and orientation and what I want in life and relationship and communing with my community, I try to be out and open early-on that I identify as a lesbian and do not want to ever ever go back in the closet. I don't want to live a closeted life or have to pretend to be straight for the sake of my partner. I wasn't happy in my "heterosexual" marriage. I wouldn't leave my girlfriend if she decided to transition - and I'd still love her and think she was hot as hell. But I wouldn't pretend to be straight in order to fit myself into the world that her transition might create. I would miss her as she is now, but I would adore her regardless. I don't have the inner resources or desire to create and protect a "stealth" life - and if asked to do so I don't think I could if I tried - and I don't think I would try. I think it can be really difficult when one person being true to himself becomes at-odds with a femme's being true to herself. Love has the capacity to make many things possible and to overcome many difficulties, but I'm pretty committed to being true to myself no matter what goes on with my partner. I definitely think femmes are expected to cheerlead unforeseen transitions, to never complain or express what they have every right to. If I transitioned, I wouldn't expect any stand-by-your-man business from my partner - I would appreciate her being there and loving me and staying with me, but not if she felt like it compromised who she is or if she couldn't feel herself attracted to me as a man.

** edited to add: there was a time when I found myself so attracted to so many transguys I met that I thought I wasn't a lesbian. It was only after breaking down my own gender experience (feeling bigendered) and examining carefully the reality of my attractions that I was able to identify as a lesbian. I have been very enamoured of transmen from time to time, and the guy part of me so yearns to experience what the girl part of me won't let him - and so I tend to vicariously enjoy and identify with transguys. I sort of had to take my glasses off and *play the tape to the end* to realize that one day I'd end up back in the same place I left - closeted, with secrets, isolated from my community, isolated from my own truth. My partner has expressed to me that in the past she assumed she would one day transition - but that she changed her mind at some point. Sometimes I ask her about that, but I don't get clear answers back. She said once that she decided one day she'd rather be a "strong woman" than a man, that much of her feeling had more to do with falling in love with straight women in the past and wishing she could be what they wanted. But I do keep it in the back of my head that transition may be part of the future I have with her - the future is uncharted - but we both know as much as we can about where each of us is regarding the subject.

[Greyson]

I realize this thread is focused on "Loving a Transman" in a romantic way. I do want to point out that we can love a Transman in an unromantic sexual way and this friendship love may still require a friend to go on a journey of sorts with their Transman friend.

I am a Transman. (Do not assume because I say I am a Transman that I think I am some sort of mistake or I believe myself to be the same as a cisman.) Back to loving a Transman.

I have friends, that are Transmen and I care about them deeply. Because I am part of their circle, the people they share their authentic life with, I also am expected on some level to respect their choices. If I cannot respect their choices, do I leave their life? Maybe, maybe not. I have a very strong Queer identity. I go into a closet for no one. Not even myself. For me I cannot be in the closet, stealth. Does this make be a better person? IMO, No. It is my choice to be out. Now, I also have Transmen in my life that I care about and love as a fellow human being. It can and has challenged our friendship. I can and will respect their choice to be in the closet and or to leave their Queer identity, allegience behind. (Not all Transmen make that choice, some do.)

I find I still can love this guy and support him but our friendship may be tried. I will hold my tongue and not speak freely if we are with his straight friends that are not privy to the truth of his past life. It is also my choice to decide do I stay in my friend's life or not. As they also choose do they keep a person such as me in their life.

That's it.

[Nat]

Originally Posted by Greyson

I realize this thread is focused on "Loving a Transman" in a romantic way. I do want to point out that we can love a Transman in an unromantic sexual way and this friendship love may still require a friend to go on a journey of sorts with their Transman friend.

I am a Transman. (Do not assume because I say I am a Transman that I think I am some sort of mistake or I believe myself to be the same as a cisman.) Back to loving a Transman.

I have friends, that are Transmen and I care about them deeply. Because I am part of their circle, the people they share their authentic life with, I also am expected on some level to respect their choices. If I cannot respect their choices, do I leave their life? Maybe, maybe not. I have a very strong Queer identity. I go into a closet for no one. Not even myself. For me I cannot be in the closet, stealth. Does this make be a better person? IMO, No. It is my choice to be out. Now, I also have Transmen in my life that I care about and love as a fellow human being. It can and has challenged our friendship. I can and will respect their choice to be in the closet and or to leave their Queer identity, allegience behind. (Not all Transmen make that choice, some do.)

I find I still can love this guy and support him but our friendship may be tried. I will hold my tongue and not speak freely if we are with his straight friends that are not privy to the truth of his past life. It is also my choice to decide do I stay in my friend's life or not. As they also choose do they keep a person such as me in their life.

That's it.

Love you Greyson