Anger and Gender Smashing

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by Corkey

Respect is a two way street. Personally no, but then I'm not going to be around people who disrespect me in the first place.

Corkey,

I commend you for not being around ppl that treat you like this. But from my own past sometimes it's unavoidable. You date the person for a while then when you are IN it or INVESTED in the relationship their true colors SHINE bright. But not before they know we are invested. I personally think I'm a very good judge of character, sometimes those people are VERY good at hiding whom they really are till they have you sucked in.

In my opinion it is 100% Verbal Abuse! In Dario's case, it's verbal abuse!

Strappie:
the bait and switch is the absolute worst game ever. you are right they encapsulate you and once they lose a 'sense of emotional control' they turn complete opposite. unfortunately yuo are right the emotional invetsment on the unsuspecting person is too great to just walk away. then one day yuo have enough and the walls rise and whammo you are just as cold emotionally as they are.
not a trait i enjoy but when it comes to survival...what choice is left\?

[always2late]

In my opinion, there is never a reason to so completely lose control that you verbally strike at the person where you know it will hurt the most. There is no excuse for it. And when that person is your partner, the one you trusted, let in, shared yourself with...and they use that knowledge and sharing to hurt you in fit of anger...that is particularly disgusting and very wrong.

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Originally Posted by always2late

In my opinion, there is never a reason to so completely lose control that you verbally strike at the person where you know it will hurt the most. There is no excuse for it. And when that person is your partner, the one you trusted, let in, shared yourself with...and they use that knowledge and sharing to hurt you in fit of anger...that is particularly disgusting and very wrong.

Been there, had it done to me. You are right, there is NO excuse for this type of behavior.
I always thought I could trust my inner instinct, my gut, as to whether someone was "safe" or not. I operated for alot of my life like that. Then I seemed to get into a series of relationships that started out all wonderful, then became inexplicitely abusive, mentally, verbally and emotionally.
I am gun-shy now? Yeah, kinda. Will I keep at least a part of me either behind that wall, or at the very least have my "bricks and mortar" ready to throw up fast? Yeah, probably.

Do I hate hate hate being like this? Yes! I am not a Pollyanna in any way, but I AM a believer in the good of most people, and I certainly am a believer in love, and want that again in my life.

[Apocalipstic]

Sorry that happened to you. Sometimes when people are hurt and angry they strike out blindly at your most vulnerable places. I dont know if they mean it or not or if you should forgive....but I think you have to look at the whole situation and make sure you were not doing any button pushing and escalating the situation.

[Cin]

I think vulnerability is part of the nature of intimate relationships or at least it should be. We let our guards down. We show our weaknesses. This is where trust comes in. You have to believe the other person, the person you love, won’t intentionally hurt you or at least not badly. But hurtful words can be spoken in anger. And when it comes to our partners, we are often more aware of where their buttons are located than even they are. It is a testament of our love, how little we push them, even when we are angry. But sometimes it happens. We push the buttons of the ones we love. We strike out and hit soft underbelly.

When we feel a partner crosses a line we are outraged, we feel betrayed, we can’t believe they used information they could only have obtained through love to hurt us, to cause pain. We forget that they have buttons as well, they also expose soft underbelly. Once we are hurt we forget to wonder if we also pushed a button, maybe tore a piece of exposed flesh. Love doesn’t make people into saints. It often makes people insecure and frightened especially considering all the exposed buttons and soft underbelly being flashed about.

Sometimes a person is unable to get their needs met in a relationship. Sometimes they are incapable of figuring out how to ask for what they need. Sometimes the other person is not able to give you what you need. Sometimes nobody is getting what they need but nobody is walking away either. Only pain comes out of that in the end. Sometimes we stay too long waiting for a change that will never happen.

One of the most difficult things that can happen in a relationship is when we lose our voices. We are unable to explain why we are hurt, what the loved one did that caused the pain and instead we bare our teeth and lash out. Anger is usually the easiest emotion to identify and to share. It risks the least. But the reward matches the risk and is relatively non existent.

I guess I am trying to say there are lots of ways relationships fail. But hopefully when the dust settles we are able to understand that it wasn’t about good guys and bad guys. Sometimes things are just better off over.

However if someone is using the knowledge obtained through intimacy as a weapon to inflict pain and cause damage and/or to belittle and cause doubt in areas of self esteem and self worth then that is not love, at least no definition of love that has any meaning. Our only recourse when confronted with that kind of disturbed individual is to walk away. And make sure to take the time needed to heal before getting involved with anyone else.

[DomnNC]

Sorry you had to go thru that Dario. Striking at my core being is a complete deal breaker for me, whether it is someone I may be dating, involved with or just a friend with. Do it and you're history, I have no need to surround myself with such negative little people.

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by Dario

Strappie:
the bait and switch is the absolute worst game ever. you are right they encapsulate you and once they lose a 'sense of emotional control' they turn complete opposite. unfortunately yuo are right the emotional invetsment on the unsuspecting person is too great to just walk away. then one day yuo have enough and the walls rise and whammo you are just as cold emotionally as they are.
not a trait i enjoy but when it comes to survival...what choice is left\?

Dario,

All I can tell you is.. Pick yourself up (I know it's hard, because we beat ourselves up thinking it is our fault) but in time you will find yourself again and the bitterness and anger that you are feeling right now will slowly go away. You WILL regain yourself worth back and once again be yourself.

Good luck to you!!

Strappie:

i am not bitter and not angry!!! i have moved on quite nicely actually. but they are questions i posed because fact is, i dont talk much personal stuff, and just wondreerd really how many have had tht experience!

[Daywalker]

First of all...Shame on those who aim for the belt of your soul.

I consider this type of exchange to be somewhat of a Mechanism check.

They are checking for your vulnerabilities.
However, in turn...you can measure your inner strengths.

Measure twice, cut once ~ as they say.

These are moments that build our Character.

They are also moments when we realize the rotten core of the Apples we
brought into our lives and set at our tables. Every so often, I find myself
having to re-assess my own collection of 'Apples'. Some are still as
shiny as the day I chose them. Some of them...not so much.
Some have yet to show me their Core.

It is up to me how I allow the rotten Cores to effect my Character.

Remember the old grade school game '...Apple Core...who's yer friend?'

Someone would announce a name, and said Apple Core would
get launched at the persons name that was called out.

Learn to Duck quickly, my friend.

More importantly ~
Build upon that which others use to as weapons.

ETA ~ I've had my share of folks who aimed at the length of my hair
in order to attempt a sideswipe at mah Butchness.

I thank them for assisting in building my Character as it is today.

[Corkey]

Originally Posted by Strappie

Corkey,

I commend you for not being around ppl that treat you like this. But from my own past sometimes it's unavoidable. You date the person for a while then when you are IN it or INVESTED in the relationship their true colors SHINE bright. But not before they know we are invested. I personally think I'm a very good judge of character, sometimes those people are VERY good at hiding whom they really are till they have you sucked in.

In my opinion it is 100% Verbal Abuse! In Dario's case, it's verbal abuse!

I did a lot of talking to the people I dated. I observed behavior prior to investing in a relationship. Yes, some can be devious, but that holds true for a lot of folks, not just the dating pool. My experiences will not be just like anyone else's, but they are indeed my experiences.

corkey; some are just too professional at the bait and switch, as easy as breathing and as natural as food. almost as if the game itself is what pumps the blood!

[Corkey]

Originally Posted by Dario

corkey; some are just too professional at the bait and switch, as easy as breathing and as natural as food. almost as if the game itself is what pumps the blood!

Oh I know, and they usually leave wreckage that is observable, especially in the internet age. Guard yourself until you know for sure who you are dealing with.
That piece of advice holds for anyone.