Reactions to Embracing Your Femme(ness)

[NJFemmie]

Originally Posted by Bleu

I have lived 43 years mentally beaten about how I look. As a small girl, up to 12ish, I was androgynous. Most people thought my brother and I were brothers. I acted like a boy and I fought beside him with boys, as a boy. I was a transgendered child. Then by junior high school I was the girl who blossomed WAY too quickly, having to go with my mother to the ladies section of the department stores to purchase expensive foundation to “reign” them in. Coming out...an OMG! 27 year journey in a few sentences...I tried butch for a while as I somehow equated being a strong lesbian as presenting to the world as a “don’t f... with me” butch. Honestly, I liked how I was treated by folks in the het world as a butch, then realized I was not attracting to me the butches whom I wanted so much to like me. I slowly morphed into a femme and here I am today. I mostly like being femme. But I really just want to be liked and loved for who I am on the inside. Some friends on here have laughed with me about what percentage butch I am…2.5% is the consensus. One certain femme friend called me a futch…cute! On my profile I use the phrase, reluctant femme. I am asked about that on occasion and I have a fairly standard answer stemming around labels, but in writing this, I find I might be more accurate to just state that I acquiesce to myself.

Your post is not an easy one to clip, so I just took your last paragraph ....

You aren't alone. I can relate to your post on so many levels.

I was a tomboy when I was younger and when high school came around, I started feeling more comfortable in my femme skin. But my problem was that I couldn't be what most people categorize as "femme" because I love, adore and embrace the masculinity that exists within myself. It's what makes me who I am.

In the past, I've tried to femme it up, only to find that I was being pretentious and ultimately miserable. I found myself censoring things I say and do because I was making someone (and it was usually a butch, maybe a handful of femmes) feel more comfortable in their skin at the risk of losing my own. I couldn't do that anymore. It got to a point where I let my heart rule and lead me to where I am today - and I am very happy to have done that for myself.

I can be very femme, and at times, not so much. I am always presumed to be straight, and these days, even that doesn't bother me anymore. I don't let much define who I am let alone how femme I am or not in the world.