Prince Charming? Pfft!

[Allison W]

Originally Posted by NJFemmie

How about simply going on a date and seeing if things "click".

Just a suggestion ....

Even though I consistently get typed as a feeler (which, I suppose, should say something about how much these personality metrics actually matter), I know enough to understand that my short-term impulses rarely have anything to do with what will make me happy in the long run, and I don't want to get into junk relationships just because I'm lonely and can't control my emotions.

Originally Posted by Bit

I would say that if you find another ENFP--or an INFP--who also wants children and wants to be the breadwinner, then go for it.... but I will also say that if you get romantically interested in anyone right now, it will pay you to do the personality survey with them. If you are like most NFP people, you may be strongly drawn to NTJ people... and there lies heartbreak beyond measure unless you can both come to communicate easily. It is true that opposites attract. It is NOT true that opposites speak the same language.

For all the things it does get right, the personality survey is also seriously flawed, and is based on notions of what action = what motive and "this trait, therefore that trait" associations that don't necessarily hold true. In my case, I've occasionally been placed as a J because I like orderliness and structure, but the problem is that I don't like them because I like to be decisive (which is the assumption); I like them because they free me from having to make decisions.

Originally Posted by Bit

I confess, Allison, I don't pay attention to the names of the personality types. I can't remember them easily. *sheepish smile* For me, I have a simple rule--if you are an FP person, look for another FP person; if you are a TJ person, look for another TJ person. The differences between E/I and S/N are not as great as the differences betwen FP and TJ.

In a nutshell, TJs tend to be linear, logical, dayplanner, on-time-is-late type people and FPs tend to be flexible, spontaneous, change-my-mind-in-midstream, deadlines-were-made-to-broken type people. The two have to really work hard at understanding each other--and at not driving each other up the wall.

Btw, from what you described about your preferences, I would think you are looking for someone whose personality type is INTJ.

Guardian = SJ, Artisan = SP, Idealist = NF (my type, though I go against the grain in many places), Rational = NT. While I'm an INFP, you're right that I like Js; both of the serious relationships I had I ended because my partner wouldn't make decisions and left them to me, resulting in my deciding to walk. I, however, would say I'd lean not towards NTJs but STJs (if with the physical focus of the SP), which would put them in the Guardian category (necessarily masculine manifestation, given the way Guardians allegedly vary the most in behaviour depending upon gender role compared to the other types), not the Rational category. I don't want someone who's no better at controlling their emotions or making decisions than I am. That is the subject of my worst nightmares.

[Bit]

I guess it depends on how you take the test, Allison. You might already know this, but I probably should have mentioned it for everyone. People are supposed to blaze through it, yanno? It's most accurate when you don't think about it, when you just go quickly through and say, this fits better, that fits better, this fits better, etc.

The type inventory isn't meant to assign motives, btw; it's meant to discover how one processes information and makes decisions. It isn't a matter so much what a person likes as what a person sustains... I myself like being organized--LOVE being organized--but I cannot sustain it; I have to work at orderliness and it really IS work for me, because my brain just isn't wired to sustain it; I have other strengths instead.

To the more personal part of your post, I can understand completely the nightmare of being with someone who can never make a decision. I've been there, and it wasn't easy.

What strikes me is that you mention twice "uncontrolled emotions" and I'm not sure I understand that. Most people I know who are NFPs are pretty happy with their emotional life and don't seem to have problems with control, unless they are letting other people define their emotions as wrong or bad somehow... and also, most people I know who are NFPs don't have a lot of trouble making decisions unless they have unrealistic expectations of themselves--you know, that need to be perfect and get it absolutely right so you never make a mistake? But that plagues people of all personality types, I think, not just NFPs.

Anyhow, I'm just sharing my thoughts and I hope you don't feel like I'm putting you on the spot; I don't mean to. I figure you know yourself and you know what you're looking for. *soft smile*

[Allison W]

Originally Posted by Bit

I guess it depends on how you take the test, Allison. You might already know this, but I probably should have mentioned it for everyone. People are supposed to blaze through it, yanno? It's most accurate when you don't think about it, when you just go quickly through and say, this fits better, that fits better, this fits better, etc.

The type inventory isn't meant to assign motives, btw; it's meant to discover how one processes information and makes decisions. It isn't a matter so much what a person likes as what a person sustains... I myself like being organized--LOVE being organized--but I cannot sustain it; I have to work at orderliness and it really IS work for me, because my brain just isn't wired to sustain it; I have other strengths instead.

To the more personal part of your post, I can understand completely the nightmare of being with someone who can never make a decision. I've been there, and it wasn't easy.

What strikes me is that you mention twice "uncontrolled emotions" and I'm not sure I understand that. Most people I know who are NFPs are pretty happy with their emotional life and don't seem to have problems with control, unless they are letting other people define their emotions as wrong or bad somehow... and also, most people I know who are NFPs don't have a lot of trouble making decisions unless they have unrealistic expectations of themselves--you know, that need to be perfect and get it absolutely right so you never make a mistake? But that plagues people of all personality types, I think, not just NFPs.

Anyhow, I'm just sharing my thoughts and I hope you don't feel like I'm putting you on the spot; I don't mean to. I figure you know yourself and you know what you're looking for. *soft smile*

I can't blaze through it. The problem is that it asks many questions for which I honestly have absolutely nothing to say off the top of my head. That, and so many of them are meaningless without context, like asking if you want a fork or a spoon without specifying what you're eating. It may as well be gibberish; I'd rather have a paper test where I can scribble in "I don't have an answer for this question; no, it's not that I don't want to say the answer I'm thinking; I have no opinion, and I'm not making one up for you." And no, I don't make decisions well; very trivial decisions paralyze me on a regular basis.

As far as emotions go, I'm very poor at controlling mine. I also consider feelings a fast track to making short-sighted, terrible decisions. Many descriptions I've heard of the thinking vs. feeling axis, however, have absolutely nothing to do with how a person makes decisions and only what they decide, which is a question of values, not rationality vs. emotionality.

The more I think about it, the more I want to finish my accountancy two-year, because bookkeeping is one of the few situations I've found in which I can stop intuiting, stop feeling, and stop needing to make decisions; it has a very zen quality to it.

[Bit]

It sounds like that's just not the right kind of tool for you then, Allison. That would be really frustrating to be unable to relate to so many of the questions! A few of them leave me saying "eh, next please!" but never very many, so it works pretty well for me. Maybe there is something out there that would work better for you.


About the emotions and decisions, coming out of an abusive childhood left me woefully inadequate at understanding and dealing with my own. I found a lot of help in therapy--which I really needed because of the abuse!--but even more help in assertiveness training classes. Then I was lucky enough to find a workbook that had a really helpful decision-making module. That was 1983; as far as I can remember it was called Choices for Women, but I cannot find it anymore. I remember they had a scenario with Cinderella dumping the lazy Prince and opening a shoe store with the Fairy Godmother, lol... (oh my gosh, a web search on that title mostly brings up abortion clinics today!)


Anyhow, since I cannot find it, I found a web site about decision making. I like this one very much, and this quote about the decision not being judged by the outcome is the same kind of quote that set me free in the Choices workbook.

Originally Posted by Introduction to Decision Making

Good decisions that result in bad outcomes should thus not be cause for guilt or recrimination. If you decide to take the scenic route based on what you know of the road (reasonably safe, not heavily traveled) and your preferences (minimal risk, prefer scenery over early arrival), then your decision is a good one, even though you might happen to get in an accident, or have a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. It is not justified to say, "Well, this was a bad decision."

http://www.virtualsalt.com/crebook5.htm

I think that applies as much to the decisions we might make about choosing partners as it does to anything else, yanno? If we approach a potential partner with our eyes open and knowing what we both need and want in a partner, and they seem to be a perfect fit, if it doesn't work out down the road it isn't that we made a bad decision--we just had the equivalent of a car accident or flat tire. *some of mine were train wrecks, oy!*

I've been thinking about it while I was reading the decision making website, and something occurs to me. Do you think you might be a Highly Sensitive Person? Some of what you describe seems to fit that. Here's a link to learn more. http://www.hsperson.com/