PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Andrew, Jr.]

I adore and love my mother dearly. However, I am 46 yo and lost a lot of respect for her because she refused to stand up to my father, and protect her children. I believe a mother - no matter what the situation is - should always be there for their kids. That is the one thing I can't say for my mother. She chose her husband over her kids. All the time. Each and every time.

Life is not easy. It is a challenge. It is not for extra credit. Extending a hand is not something that a mother should have to be taught.

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I adore and love my mother dearly. However, I am 46 yo and lost a lot of respect for her because she refused to stand up to my father, and protect her children. I believe a mother - no matter what the situation is - should always be there for their kids. That is the one thing I can't say for my mother. She chose her husband over her kids. All the time. Each and every time.

Life is not easy. It is a challenge. It is not for extra credit. Extending a hand is not something that a mother should have to be taught.

I agree Andrew...and I could say the same out my dad not standing up to my mom over us girls....I think both parents should do what is in their power to protect their children.....my mom was not kind at all to my father either...so he was beaten down w us girls...but he did nothing to stop it even when it was right in his face literally....I think sometimes...some parents just try to keep the peace and not make things worse for anyone...including themselves. Not that its right...just saying that is what i think

[Andrew, Jr.]

Yea, I think it is much easier to keep peace than go against the waves. You're right about that one!

[PearlsNLace]

I really can understand the anger for moms not standing up for their kids.

What allows me to have any relationship with my mother, even though she did not protect me, is this: I dont think my mom saw that horror as abnormal. I think it was so normal to her, that even though on one hand, she knew it was aweful, for her it was also inevitable. I really think it was hard for her to relate to my dad because he was NOT horrible. For Mom, she kept waiting for the shoe to drop, and bad things start to happen. When it didnt, she began to unravel and be horrible just for things to feel on even keel for her messed up fragile psychotic brain to process as "safe". This will probably make no sense unless you have delt with people who have schitzophrenia and personality disorders like my momma does.

It is through this experience that I filter my anger through. In this context, I dont know what options my mom had. I really do believe that she did the best she could with the information she had at the time. I dont know if that might work for anyone else- I wish you healing and peace on your own journeys.

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by PearlsNLace

I really can understand the anger for moms not standing up for their kids.

What allows me to have any relationship with my mother, even though she did not protect me, is this: I dont think my mom saw that horror as abnormal. I think it was so normal to her, that even though on one hand, she knew it was aweful, for her it was also inevitable. I really think it was hard for her to relate to my dad because he was NOT horrible. For Mom, she kept waiting for the shoe to drop, and bad things start to happen. When it didnt, she began to unravel and be horrible just for things to feel on even keel for her messed up fragile psychotic brain to process as "safe". This will probably make no sense unless you have delt with people who have schitzophrenia and personality disorders like my momma does.

It is through this experience that I filter my anger through. In this context, I dont know what options my mom had. I really do believe that she did the best she could with the information she had at the time. I dont know if that might work for anyone else- I wish you healing and peace on your own journeys.

My sister and I talk about my mom ....my sister is 11 years older than myself...so she remembers mom when she was kinda nice...but we think she had some boarderline personality disorder...but who knows....she could flip like a pancake on sunday morning...omg...it could be a nightmare at times. I used to say that "my mom did the best with what she had." I also would say, "well she did us the way her mom did her." My grandmom was a bitch on wheels..she hated us too...and wasnt quiet about it....she love my cousins...adored them to pieces....to the point where if we were all down there for the summer together...she would feed my cousins first and IF....and i mean IF there was anything left...we could have it...we being my baby brother and myself (he's 18months younger) I dont know...maybe they both did the best they knew how....of course I am not so sure how that relates to the many times my GM almost killed me when i was a baby...and yet my mother kept taking me back there...go figure. I dont hate my mother anymore....she is dead...and that is that...sometimes...i miss a mom....my friends mothers seemed to always take me in as their own....my friends always saw her for what she was....i guess where my mom is concerned I will always feel dead inside. Perhaps its better that way.

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by Ms Cyn

Andrew.. Do you still have contact with this person?

Actually, that is a question I often wonder... Do people keep their abusers in their life.. and if so.. why?

*Not just idle curiousity... I just go the other way.. I handle things by dissociation *

Right now My father is in My life mostly because I live at home right now, and trying to get away from him in "his" house is next to impossible. Sometimes I've wanted to just tell him to f**k off and leave us all alone (My, My sister and My mom) but I just never seem to get the courage to do so

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I am 46 and just now learning not to care.

I think learning this at any age is a big step!!!!!

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Oh, my father is mean, nasty, and has a razor sharp tongue. It doesn't matter if he knows you or not. He just says whatever he is thinking to whomever. It is very embarassing at times. He is very sick mentally.

Alot of this sounds WAY too familiar, as My father can be the exact same way. He will say whatever he wants to, anytime that he wants to and will not hesitate to speak his mind even if he is a complete jackass about it. He is always right and everyone else is wrong (or braind dead); he will tell you exactly what he thinks of you even if he has only just met you and will judge you based on anything (religion, looks etc). He treats My mom and both us kids like we're pieces of dirt; he has called My poor sweet 12 yr old autistic sister fat, lazy, retarded etc, he is very condescending and is all about him ........... of course I could go on, but why? I think you all get the picture

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I think...that ppl stay in an abusive relationship for many reasons...including the church. Also I think when abuse is all you know...there is a comfort there that is hard to break away from. You know what to expect, you know how to behave, you know how to protect yourself and what the particular buttons are to avoid. Its comfort in knowing how to be or how to exist. It is taking me a long time of trying to believe friends when they pay me a compliment because...I feel so unworthy of kindness and good ppl. I am so used to knowing how to behave and talk , walk, dress be what was expected of me...just so i could survive. I wonder if perhaps this isnt true for your mom? If you think about it..and I dont know how old you are to begin to guess how old your mom is...but my mom was born in the 30"s and they were taught to do what the husband tells you to...that you suck it up and never complain. Family secrets are to remain as secrets and you "never aire your dirty laundry" god how many times I have heard that in my life! I was raised with the same mentality...I was told over and over again..."you dont have to know how to do (this or that) because you will have a husband and he will take care of those things." Like oh how to start and maintain a checking account. How to get a car fixed or what to ask to do so...how to budget money, how to fill a gas tank. Hummmmmm <looking around> there aint any husband here...or even a hym for that matter. My brother on the other hand was taken aside and taught all of these things ad many more....just trying to point out how parent influence us and their parents influenced them. Just a thought! hope it helps a bit

It is very hard to break away from an abusive relationship when its all you've ever known. My mom has been with My father for 15 yrs and has talked so many times about leaving him but never has. She says its because of My sister and while I partly believe that its true, part of Me doesn't believe that and I just know that she'll never leave him no matter how abusive he is

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I adore and love my mother dearly. However, I am 46 yo and lost a lot of respect for her because she refused to stand up to my father, and protect her children. I believe a mother - no matter what the situation is - should always be there for their kids. That is the one thing I can't say for my mother. She chose her husband over her kids. All the time. Each and every time.

I'm very lucky that My mom does stand up for My dad for herself as well as Me and My sister, but I also know that he is so good at cutting someone down that no matter how good you are at sticking up for yourself, he will knock you down everytime and I've seen My mom close to a heart attack and suicide because of his actions!!

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I agree Andrew...and I could say the same out my dad not standing up to my mom over us girls....I think both parents should do what is in their power to protect their children.....my mom was not kind at all to my father either...so he was beaten down w us girls...but he did nothing to stop it even when it was right in his face literally....I think sometimes...some parents just try to keep the peace and not make things worse for anyone...including themselves. Not that its right...just saying that is what i think

My mom used to always keep the peace, until one say she just stood upto him and continues to do so to this day .......... she's pretty cool

Originally Posted by PearlsNLace

I really can understand the anger for moms not standing up for their kids.

What allows me to have any relationship with my mother, even though she did not protect me, is this: I dont think my mom saw that horror as abnormal. I think it was so normal to her, that even though on one hand, she knew it was aweful, for her it was also inevitable. I really think it was hard for her to relate to my dad because he was NOT horrible. For Mom, she kept waiting for the shoe to drop, and bad things start to happen. When it didnt, she began to unravel and be horrible just for things to feel on even keel for her messed up fragile psychotic brain to process as "safe". This will probably make no sense unless you have delt with people who have schitzophrenia and personality disorders like my momma does.

I'm very sorry to hear about all that your mom has had to endure in her lifetime ~ I hope that things will improve for her

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I am sorry to hear about your mom...my mother died too...and we werent very close at all..as a matter of fact she is part of my PTSD...both of us girls...were far from her faviourite and she let us know on a daily basis...!!!! I hope you didnt have the same issues w your mom!!!

She died when I was 13. I still miss her and in therapy we are working on trauma around her death right now. Yesterday I was so nauseated and heachy, we had to stop therapy. She was my angel, though If she would have left my father she would likely still be here now at 83.

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I adore and love my mother dearly. However, I am 46 yo and lost a lot of respect for her because she refused to stand up to my father, and protect her children. I believe a mother - no matter what the situation is - should always be there for their kids. That is the one thing I can't say for my mother. She chose her husband over her kids. All the time. Each and every time.

Life is not easy. It is a challenge. It is not for extra credit. Extending a hand is not something that a mother should have to be taught.

I wonder about that too. So sorry this happened to you Andrew.

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

When my trauma occurred, my mother flew in from California to take care of me. She took care of my apartment, car, bills and sat in the hospital with me until my release. There was no one like her as being a terrific mother and friend to me. As I relive and reprocess my trauma, after 17 years, thinking of her being there helps with this purging and reliving process today. These days, I think of her often as I remember what happened. It helps to sooth the pain.

My father and stepmother were also there and so were my friends.

I am so glad you had them all to support you and help you.