Long Distance Relationships

[kissinfemme]

My take on this LDR is that the 25 hours that separate us has indeed forced us to talk, about everything under the sun.... our fears & triggers yes but also what makes us tick, our wants, our needs, desires, dreams, our families (dysfunctional as they are, lol), what makes us laugh & sex of course.

What I do like is the getting to know her without the sex getting in the way & taking over the relationship. It seems to me that building the foundation of a relationship on the old fashioned way of talking is surely more solid than on how hot the sex is.... Right?

It does have it's drawbacks, of course, like we don't know if there's actual physical chemistry, no sex (yet), no dates (yet), no kissing or hugging. When either of us has a bad day/moment there is no physical comfort of a touch.

Her voice & her words bring me comfort & happiness, not to mention laughter & the "stories" I've grown fond of.

But we both agreed we wanted to see where this takes us & are willing to put in the time & effort. Even if one of us has to be wearing make-up when we Skype.

In 26 days we'll know whats what & if what we're feeling is the real deal. And if the chemistry is alive & screaming (small pun intended).

[MsM]

So, hi. First time I've posted heh

I'm in a LDR, and have been on almost a year now. We met in person in January of this year, and have seen each other every other weekend since then. Summer is great because she's a teacher and can come visit for longer periods.

What works for us is:

1. Schedule. We both know when the other will always call, and we always know the next time we will see each other in person.
2. Date Night. Every Wednesday, no matter what is happening we spend the evening on FaceTime.
3. Patience. We know when we'll be together 7/14 and we work towards that time. I can't imagine doing this with a nebulous we'll be together some day thought.
4. Trust. We are both so blessed that our love for eachother has no room for doubts. We did in the beginning, and worked through them together. Thankfully our doubts were just based on not believing we actually found someone - not trust issues as in jealousy/cheating business.

We want to uhaul, good grief do we. I'm not exactly a spring chicken (she's younger than I am by 10 years but what can I say she's one sexy butch) and we both have responsibilities. We want to make sure our sh!t is straight before we combine our lives.

Others have spoken of the challenge of once you do move in from a LDR, and I read those posts the most eagerly. We got this distance thing down, but I think I'd be foolish to not realize we'll have other challenges once she's here.

Marla

[Ginger]

You know I just remembered something that might be helpful for people.

Ms.Maria's post about what helps her stay connected in an LDR triggered it.

I had a 3-month LDR with something who lived upstate, about two hours away, and he would make sure that before we said good-bye at the end of a visit, we sat down with our planners and set up our next or the two next visits.

It was our little ritual, reassuring and sweet. He made it clear that setting up the visits was a form of commitment.

I had forgotten about that.

Anyway, for what it's worth, at the end of a visit, I'd recommend setting up the next visit, making it into a little ritual and opportunity to show commitment to each other, in person.

If that feels right to you.

[Hollylane]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

You know I just remembered something that might be helpful for people.

Ms.Maria's post about what helps her stay connected in an LDR triggered it.

I had a 3-month LDR with something who lived upstate, about two hours away, and he would make sure that before we said good-bye at the end of a visit, we sat down with our planners and set up our next or the two next visits.

It was our little ritual, reassuring and sweet. He made it clear that setting up the visits was a form of commitment.

I had forgotten about that.

Anyway, for what it's worth, at the end of a visit, I'd recommend setting up the next visit, making it into a little ritual and opportunity to show commitment to each other, in person.

If that feels right to you.

Gaige and I have done this each time...It really helps take a little of the sting away from saying our farewells...Also, something that we have learned, is to never procrastinate about getting to the airport. There is nothing worse than having to rush through your kisses and hugs because your partner has to rush through the airport to catch a flight. That happened to us in Little Rock, and it was damn hard.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Hollylane

Gaige and I have done this each time...It really helps take a little of the sting away from saying our farewells...Also, something that we have learned, is to never procrastinate about getting to the airport. There is nothing worse than having to rush through your kisses and hugs because your partner has to rush through the airport to catch a flight. That happened to us in Little Rock, and it was damn hard.

That's really smart. I can see how skilled the two of you are getting, in maximizing your time together. I know you just finished your master's degree program and the two of you are are working toward a shared life somehow. I feel kind of privileged to know you at this stage and someday maybe I can look back on it and say, I remember when they were in an LDR!

[Hollylane]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

That's really smart. I can see how skilled the two of you are getting, in maximizing your time together. I know you just finished your master's degree program and the two of you are are working toward a shared life somehow. I feel kind of privileged to know you at this stage and someday maybe I can look back on it and say, I remember when they were in an LDR!

Gosh, thanks for noticing After nearly a year together, in a successful LDR (LDR, for now), we really do enjoy every moment together, in person, and in all the ways we keep finding to spend time together in our day to day lives on opposite ends of the country. It takes a lot of love, and patience for waiting for each new visit. We constantly comment to each other about the fact that we are "virtually living together", and are already sharing our lives now, despite the distance.

I feel pretty darn privileged to be in this loving relationship, as it continues to grow by leaps and bounds, despite life's many obstacles.

[StrongButch]

I will be returning to Atlanta to take care of things. But once that is done ill be back to Boston with my girl and her family. I will miss them but knowing ill return permanatly is comforting.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Hollylane

Gosh, thanks for noticing After nearly a year together, in a successful LDR (LDR, for now), we really do enjoy every moment together, in person, and in all the ways we keep finding to spend time together in our day to day lives on opposite ends of the country. It takes a lot of love, and patience for waiting for each new visit. We constantly comment to each other about the fact that we are "virtually living together", and are already sharing our lives now, despite the distance.

I feel pretty darn privileged to be in this loving relationship, as it continues to grow by leaps and bounds, despite life's many obstacles.

I think many of us have seen what a beautiful and devoted love you two have. One can't help but admire your connection and I am so happy for you two. <3

[thedivahrrrself]

On the subject of relocation (and I will preface this by saying this is Just My Two Cents), I personally would not move in with someone while relocating to a new city. There are a few reasons for this.

1. You're going to have to get used to seeing each other a lot more often. Add living together to the mix, and it sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. There's a difference getting to know each other when you're travelling to see someone and getting to know each other when you're both doing the daily grind of work and house chores, and all that jazz.
2. In a new community, you will need to make your own friends. It will be hard not to just make your partner's friends into your friends. Having your own space and some independence in a new city allows you to explore the city and the people without only seeing the city through your partner's eyes. In my eyes, this makes you less dependent on the person who already lives there, and I think some measure of independence is extremely important. If you move somewhere, and your whole world, in that new place, is your partner, that's a lot of pressure on them, and it only sets you up for disappointment when they can't be everything to you.
3. There is no such thing as "not moving in quick enough". LOL Many people (IMHO) move too quickly. I know I have before, and the results were disastrous. I'm working off the hypothesis that slower moving relationships may achieve more stable, long-term results. I will let you know how my research progresses

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

On the subject of relocation (and I will preface this by saying this is Just My Two Cents), I personally would not move in with someone while relocating to a new city. There are a few reasons for this.

1. You're going to have to get used to seeing each other a lot more often. Add living together to the mix, and it sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. There's a difference getting to know each other when you're travelling to see someone and getting to know each other when you're both doing the daily grind of work and house chores, and all that jazz.
2. In a new community, you will need to make your own friends. It will be hard not to just make your partner's friends into your friends. Having your own space and some independence in a new city allows you to explore the city and the people without only seeing the city through your partner's eyes. In my eyes, this makes you less dependent on the person who already lives there, and I think some measure of independence is extremely important. If you move somewhere, and your whole world, in that new place, is your partner, that's a lot of pressure on them, and it only sets you up for disappointment when they can't be everything to you.
3. There is no such thing as "not moving in quick enough". LOL Many people (IMHO) move too quickly. I know I have before, and the results were disastrous. I'm working off the hypothesis that slower moving relationships may achieve more stable, long-term results. I will let you know how my research progresses

Diva,

It is funny that you mention that relocating, but maintaining separate space at first is a good idea. We will be doing this due to several factors, but I think it is the healthiest choice for anyone to transition to a new location.

I think people, and especially lesbians (not sure why this is - you know, the old U-Haul joke), move in too fast. And that is fine for some, but it's definitely not me and I'm okay with taking things slow, not too slow, but slow enough that it's done right and well. Any relationship I moved fast in also fizzled fast. So, I've learned my lesson there.

I really appreciate your depth and insight on this thread. You have brought several things to my attention that I need to think about.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

Diva,

It is funny that you mention that relocating, but maintaining separate space at first is a good idea. We will be doing this due to several factors, but I think it is the healthiest choice for anyone to transition to a new location.

I think people, and especially lesbians (not sure why this is - you know, the old U-Haul joke), move in too fast. And that is fine for some, but it's definitely not me and I'm okay with taking things slow, not too slow, but slow enough that it's done right and well. Any relationship I moved fast in also fizzled fast. So, I've learned my lesson there.

I really appreciate your depth and insight on this thread. You have brought several things to my attention that I need to think about.

Thanks, Meridian. I wish you and your partner all the best.

I think it is very normal for two women to want to move a little faster in relationships. Biologically speaking, the levels of oxytocin between two females is a pretty intense bonding agent, but I have learned the hard way - in the words of Skunk Anansie - "just because it feels good doesn't make it right".

This thread gives me lots to think about, too. I am very thankful for the insight I continue to gain from everyone's experiences!