Long Distance Relationships

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

The hardest part for me is keeping a sense of deep connection with the lack of physical contact on a daily basis. It's amazing how that centers me, reinforces my love for her, and strengthens our bond. Just the hand-holding, presence is enough sometimes.

......................

Is anyone currently in a LD relationship? If so, what do you find is the hardest part?

I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

[TheMerryFairy]

I do need physical contact and knowing that about myself makes it hard to consider doing a long distance relationship. Plus I am going to be taking on a traveling business project so I will likely be moving around every few weeks for as long as I feel the need.

However, if I found somebody who understood and was willing to give it a try, I might attempt it. I still would like visits at least every few months but that is something I could arrange on my end, especially if they had other things to take care of.

I can adjust to any environment but I like alone time and intimacy, even if that is not sexual. I love being around people and I socialize as much as possible so I suppose it comes down to the right connection.

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

Diva,

Thanks for your reply!

The being easily misunderstood part is a huge issue for us at times. When you don't have the eye contact and body language to complete verbal communication, it's really hard to read your partner wrong, and for that to just spiral. We have to do 'reality checks' a lot and that becomes tedious at times. If both people are not true verbal communicators, that only exacerbates the muddy waters.

You know, I am guilty of the unrealistic and selfish expectation of having a fantastic visit each and every time. I am learning to mature in this area and realize it's also about life as it happens and about settling into a routine and lifestyle with someone. When you see one another every day, you don't consciously think about these things, they just automatically get addressed and you move on to the next thing. This is an excellent point you brought up. Thank you!

The uncertainty is HUGE with me sometimes and often, I can't even pinpoint why I feel that way, but I think it has to do with the lack of daily reinforcement. When she is quiet (she's not a strong verbal communicator like I am) I doubt her love and that insults her and discourages her. It becomes a vicious cycle.

More later...I have to get offline for a few...

[TheMerryFairy]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

Diva,

Thanks for your reply!

The being easily misunderstood part is a huge issue for us at times. When you don't have the eye contact and body language to complete verbal communication, it's really hard to read your partner wrong, and for that to just spiral. We have to do 'reality checks' a lot and that becomes tedious at times. If both people are not true verbal communicators, that only exacerbates the muddy waters.

You know, I am guilty of the unrealistic and selfish expectation of having a fantastic visit each and every time. I am learning to mature in this area and realize it's also about life as it happens and about settling into a routine and lifestyle with someone. When you see one another every day, you don't consciously think about these things, they just automatically get addressed and you move on to the next thing. This is an excellent point you brought up. Thank you!

The uncertainty is HUGE with me sometimes and often, I can't even pinpoint why I feel that way, but I think it has to do with the lack of daily reinforcement. When she is quiet (she's not a strong verbal communicator like I am) I doubt her love and that insults her and discourages her. It becomes a vicious cycle.

More later...I have to get offline for a few...

I agree with the communication. I am pretty good at sensing things through text or over the phone etc but one of my crushes can't really communicate verbally and has a hard time with eye contact. This has led me to adjust my processing a bit but I think if something were to ever come of it, it might work if we took things slow and worked through it.

I process things through my senses which is hard for a lot of people to understand anyway. I can be "overly passionate' at times but I think that is the romantic in me.

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by TheMerryFairy

I agree with the communication. I am pretty good at sensing things through text or over the phone etc but one of my crushes can't really communicate verbally and has a hard time with eye contact. This has led me to adjust my processing a bit but I think if something were to ever come of it, it might work if we took things slow and worked through it.

I process things through my senses which is hard for a lot of people to understand anyway. I can be "overly passionate' at times but I think that is the romantic in me.

Merry,

I am the same way - I process through my senses more than anything else. I think it's a gift and a curse, but I have a strong instinct that is highly accurate and I keep learning over and over to trust it and not second guess it no matter what.

Good luck to you if you do the LD thing. It's really not that hard, you just have to be somewhat independent to do it in a healthy way, that's all.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

Diva,

Thanks for your reply!

The being easily misunderstood part is a huge issue for us at times. When you don't have the eye contact and body language to complete verbal communication, it's really hard to read your partner wrong, and for that to just spiral. We have to do 'reality checks' a lot and that becomes tedious at times. If both people are not true verbal communicators, that only exacerbates the muddy waters.

You know, I am guilty of the unrealistic and selfish expectation of having a fantastic visit each and every time. I am learning to mature in this area and realize it's also about life as it happens and about settling into a routine and lifestyle with someone. When you see one another every day, you don't consciously think about these things, they just automatically get addressed and you move on to the next thing. This is an excellent point you brought up. Thank you!

The uncertainty is HUGE with me sometimes and often, I can't even pinpoint why I feel that way, but I think it has to do with the lack of daily reinforcement. When she is quiet (she's not a strong verbal communicator like I am) I doubt her love and that insults her and discourages her. It becomes a vicious cycle.

More later...I have to get offline for a few...

You've given me a lot to think on, particularly regarding making visits "fantastic". You've hit on something there for me. I have unrealistic expectations for myself at times, and so I tend to feel that I have failed or ruined something when things aren't fantastic. That's probably not something I should keep putting myself, or my love, through.

It is good to hear from someone making things work. I wish for you that your situation allowed you to take the next step in your relationship.

[StrongButch]

I congratulate and respect those of you that can do LDR. Myself I wont do it. I want to wake up next to her,be able to pull her hair,spank her, etc. My hat is off to all of you. Good luck on your journey!

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by StrongButch

I congratulate and respect those of you that can do LDR. Myself I wont do it. I want to wake up next to her,be able to pull her hair,spank her, etc. My hat is off to all of you. Good luck on your journey!

I'm not sure what you've heard, but people in LDR's do all these things. Unless you move in with a girl on the first date, you're not going to wake up next to her every day. LDR's don't stay apart forever. Much like short-distance dating, at some point many people choose to live together, so you can't really compare living with someone to an LDR. That's an uneven comparison.

[StrongButch]

I want to say im sorry didnt mean to offend you or anyone. I have had LDR and just not what I want to do. I just want the option to get in my jeep or jump on a horse and go see her. Enjoy have a great week folks.

[Italianboi]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

I totally agree with u..is what I always keep saying....pity that not many feel the same....

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

I cannot even fathom international...that would be so difficult on many levels. I find across the country hard enough. That's a great point you make - if someone is willing to fly that far (not to mention the airfare involved), then you they must really want to see you.

I think it is worth it for the right person. But, it's not easy, that's for sure. You have to put forth effort to make the connection stay and the trust to blossom.

You've mentioned several things that made me think. Thank you for that insight!

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

I cannot even fathom international...that would be so difficult on many levels. I find across the country hard enough. That's a great point you make - if someone is willing to fly that far (not to mention the airfare involved), then you they must really want to see you.

I understand why it would appear that international is much more daunting but, practically, I'm not certain that is always the case - at least, not where both parties live in major transport hubs. Just my perspective on this .......


I speak as someone who did the whole LDR-thing internationally for some years and, whilst the relationship ended, it wasn't due to distance issues. Note that, at the peak, we made 9 transatlantic trips in a single year (I traveled to California 6 times and she visited the UK on 3 occasions).


I live in London so can be in large US metropolitan hubs on the east coast in 7 hours and the west coast in 11 hours. Also, if you manage the time difference effectively, you maximise the time too.


For example, my ex-partner lives in San Diego and I live in London. San Diego is, geographically, just about the furthest part of mainland USA to London. However, given the 8 hour time difference, whenever I traveled to San Diego, I was able to spend half a day in the office, catch a flight to San Diego at 3pm and arrive into San Diego shortly after 6pm. On the way back, I'd fly at 8pm, sleeping on the plane, arriving into London early the following afternoon having slept on the plane.


So the traveling didn't eat into time too much. In fact, the traveling appears to be quicker and less tiring than some of the long (by European standards) car journeys that many people in the US regularly take. Take the Reunion for example. Little Rock is more difficult for me to get to than larger US cities as there are, understandably, no direct flights from London but I am still able to get there inside ten hours or so ...... a shorter time than many who made the trip from much closer parts of the US by road.


Also, the time for travel and cost of international airfares is often not much more than cross-country time and fares. For example, I am meeting my friend from San Diego in NYC in May. We decided to meet in NYC because it's almost a halfway point between San Diego and London. I think her flight to NYC takes six hours and my flight takes 7 hours. Also her return flight was around $600, not much less than my own fare.


Of course, there are some added complications in an international LDR which arrive if and when both parties want to take the relationship to the "next" level i.e. transforming the relationship from long distance to a physically closer one, whether living together or not.


However, usually, these challenges can be overcome and if you've got to that stage (that's a big if !), then it's hopefully something worth persevering for.


From my perspective, I cannot give advice on LDRs and any advice I would give would, based on my relationship failures, probably not be worth following anyway. All I'd say is keep it grounded and real - as I think some people who can be attracted to LDRs can be blinded by fantasy and overlook reality. But I'd say the same for relationships closer to home too.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I understand why it would appear that international is much more daunting but, practically, I'm not certain that is always the case - at least, not where both parties live in major transport hubs. Just my perspective on this .......


I speak as someone who did the whole LDR-thing internationally for some years and, whilst the relationship ended, it wasn't due to distance issues. Note that, at the peak, we made 9 transatlantic trips in a single year (I traveled to California 6 times and she visited the UK on 3 occasions).


I live in London so can be in large US metropolitan hubs on the east coast in 7 hours and the west coast in 11 hours. Also, if you manage the time difference effectively, you maximise the time too.


For example, my ex-partner lives in San Diego and I live in London. San Diego is, geographically, just about the furthest part of mainland USA to London. However, given the 8 hour time difference, whenever I traveled to San Diego, I was able to spend half a day in the office, catch a flight to San Diego at 3pm and arrive into San Diego shortly after 6pm. On the way back, I'd fly at 8pm, sleeping on the plane, arriving into London early the following afternoon having slept on the plane.


So the traveling didn't eat into time too much. In fact, the traveling appears to be quicker and less tiring than some of the long (by European standards) car journeys that many people in the US regularly take. Take the Reunion for example. Little Rock is more difficult for me to get to than larger US cities as there are, understandably, no direct flights from London but I am still able to get there inside ten hours or so ...... a shorter time than many who made the trip from much closer parts of the US by road.


Also, the time for travel and cost of international airfares is often not much more than cross-country time and fares. For example, I am meeting my friend from San Diego in NYC in May. We decided to meet in NYC because it's almost a halfway point between San Diego and London. I think her flight to NYC takes six hours and my flight takes 7 hours. Also her return flight was around $600, not much less than my own fare.
.

You are lucky there, living in a hub - Bogota is not that far, but it takes me 12+ hours to travel between, most of which is layover. If I lived in Atlanta, however, it would only be a 5 hour flight.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I understand why it would appear that international is much more daunting but, practically, I'm not certain that is always the case - at least, not where both parties live in major transport hubs. Just my perspective on this .......

this is so true. i fly from Canada to New Orleans, for this i have to take a one hour flight to Toronto, fly to another location usually Houston, then to New Orleans. We are talking about a 15 hour travel day.

Flights leave from right here in town to Cuba and land in 3 hours. And for about half the price.

My flights are 1200.00 to New Orleans. i could fly to Thailand for less than $500

[meridiantoo]

I'm going for a visit next week to visit my LDR other and these are my meandering thoughts:

*I love the racing heart of excited anticipation as I am carried down the escalator in the LAX airport to my g/f standing at the bottom waiting for me. I always stop at the top of the escalator and hold the moment, to savor it, before I get on and go down to greet her.

*After 3.5 years of LD, I am finally feeling melded with her and the life we will have once I move. For a long time, it was more of a fantasy, not grounded and not fully comprehensible. At this point, it *almost* feels like going home.

*I can already tell, this will be a hard visit to end. They are always hard to end, to board that plane and leave her behind. But, this one will be especially hard.

*Why did I purchase black luggage? Everyone else also purchased black luggage. Another search mission ensues trying to decipher my bag from the other 150 black bags.

*I hope my cat is okay while I am gone. He is getting older now and I worry about him.

*Hoping to get the hilarious steward on my flight out on Southwest. He's such a cutie bug and so funny.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

I'm going for a visit next week to visit my LDR other and these are my meandering thoughts:

*I love the racing heart of excited anticipation as I am carried down the escalator in the LAX airport to my g/f standing at the bottom waiting for me. I always stop at the top of the escalator and hold the moment, to savor it, before I get on and go down to greet her.

*After 3.5 years of LD, I am finally feeling melded with her and the life we will have once I move. For a long time, it was more of a fantasy, not grounded and not fully comprehensible. At this point, it *almost* feels like going home.

*I can already tell, this will be a hard visit to end. They are always hard to end, to board that plane and leave her behind. But, this one will be especially hard.

*Why did I purchase black luggage? Everyone else also purchased black luggage. Another search mission ensues trying to decipher my bag from the other 150 black bags.

*I hope my cat is okay while I am gone. He is getting older now and I worry about him.

*Hoping to get the hilarious steward on my flight out on Southwest. He's such a cutie bug and so funny.

Just a note about the luggage....they have tags to help with that if you want to purchase some, but what has worked best for me and is super cheap is to knot a colorful hair scrunchy somewhere on the top near the handle. That way, no matter if it's flipped right side up or upside down, you'll see the splash of color. Or you can buy a roll of decorative duct tape and tape a design on your luggage. Or you can paint your wheels a funky color.

As for the actual relationship, time is your enemy. Either you're months/weeks/days away from the visit and it's dragging so slooooooowly or you're together and you blink and it's over because time finally caught up with itself and went into hyperdrive.

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Just a note about the luggage....they have tags to help with that if you want to purchase some, but what has worked best for me and is super cheap is to knot a colorful hair scrunchy somewhere on the top near the handle. That way, no matter if it's flipped right side up or upside down, you'll see the splash of color. Or you can buy a roll of decorative duct tape and tape a design on your luggage. Or you can paint your wheels a funky color.

As for the actual relationship, time is your enemy. Either you're months/weeks/days away from the visit and it's dragging so slooooooowly or you're together and you blink and it's over because time finally caught up with itself and went into hyperdrive.

Thank you for the tip!

It is like that, isn't it? The time thing. You wait as days drag on until the visit, then the visit time flies by until it's gone like a flash. *sigh

[Italianboi]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I understand why it would appear that international is much more daunting but, practically, I'm not certain that is always the case - at least, not where both parties live in major transport hubs. Just my perspective on this .......


I speak as someone who did the whole LDR-thing internationally for some years and, whilst the relationship ended, it wasn't due to distance issues. Note that, at the peak, we made 9 transatlantic trips in a single year (I traveled to California 6 times and she visited the UK on 3 occasions).


I live in London so can be in large US metropolitan hubs on the east coast in 7 hours and the west coast in 11 hours. Also, if you manage the time difference effectively, you maximise the time too.


For example, my ex-partner lives in San Diego and I live in London. San Diego is, geographically, just about the furthest part of mainland USA to London. However, given the 8 hour time difference, whenever I traveled to San Diego, I was able to spend half a day in the office, catch a flight to San Diego at 3pm and arrive into San Diego shortly after 6pm. On the way back, I'd fly at 8pm, sleeping on the plane, arriving into London early the following afternoon having slept on the plane.


So the traveling didn't eat into time too much. In fact, the traveling appears to be quicker and less tiring than some of the long (by European standards) car journeys that many people in the US regularly take. Take the Reunion for example. Little Rock is more difficult for me to get to than larger US cities as there are, understandably, no direct flights from London but I am still able to get there inside ten hours or so ...... a shorter time than many who made the trip from much closer parts of the US by road.


Also, the time for travel and cost of international airfares is often not much more than cross-country time and fares. For example, I am meeting my friend from San Diego in NYC in May. We decided to meet in NYC because it's almost a halfway point between San Diego and London. I think her flight to NYC takes six hours and my flight takes 7 hours. Also her return flight was around $600, not much less than my own fare.


Of course, there are some added complications in an international LDR which arrive if and when both parties want to take the relationship to the "next" level i.e. transforming the relationship from long distance to a physically closer one, whether living together or not.


However, usually, these challenges can be overcome and if you've got to that stage (that's a big if !), then it's hopefully something worth persevering for.


From my perspective, I cannot give advice on LDRs and any advice I would give would, based on my relationship failures, probably not be worth following anyway. All I'd say is keep it grounded and real - as I think some people who can be attracted to LDRs can be blinded by fantasy and overlook reality. But I'd say the same for relationships closer to home too.

I totally agree with you on this...and i speak for personal experience too as my ex live in SF and be 8 hrs in front was working just fine.....and to add...the long distance was NOT the problem that we break up.....
thank u Ciaran for this post....