Changing last names

[Cin]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

1) without talking about yourself personally, why do you think it is that in butch-femme culture in north america (cause I have no idea about elsewhere) there is a decidedly un-even ratio of feminine giving up their name and butches giving theirs in terms of marriage - why do you think that this ratio is so marked?

2) without talking about yourself personally, what do you think could be various contributing ideas to this trend?

Because the butch is seen as the masculine partner and since the US, although noted as a bilineal society, uses patrilineal naming, it stands to reason that many b/f marriages would uphold this tradition. There is a powerful pull toward reproducing tradition. And both traditionally and symbolically gender plays a key role in marriage. One of the most important symbolic gesture regarding gender is the deference of the female to the male. That is sometimes duplicated in varying degrees in b/f culture. People involved in making these symbolic choices, such as taking the butches surname, often have a variety of explanations for the same choice. This variety of reasons for the same option is normally seen when personal choices have internal and subconscious meanings. Again considering the power of patriarchal tradition this is no surprise.

Interesting to note that despite the past many Americans support patrilineal naming. Also surprising is a study that supposedly shows 50% of Americans saying they would support a law requiring a woman to take a man’s name when marrying. This is particularly disturbing since breaking free of the doctrine of coverture was such an uphill battle and it was only in the 70’s that women began to win the right to use their own name to get credit instead of only their husbands. But again tradition is deeply rooted and difficult to buck. There is a sense of community and belonging associated with participating in traditional rituals. Butch/femme couples are certainly not immune to this desire. But just because people have a desire to be a part of something it doesn't mean their brains fall out. This is why it is important for these people to find reasons for doing something that breaks away from the symbolic meaning behind the choice. People have a need to ignore cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance easily explains the lack of interest in examining uncomfortable and opposing beliefs. It’s stressful. "I believe that women and men are equal." "I believe that butches are not men." "I believe that butches and femmes do not engage in heteronormative behavior." Etc... Strong personal beliefs such as this coupled with choices in direct conflict with those beliefs create cognitive dissonance. Who wants to deal with that?
I think this is what makes many people cover their ears and go "LALALALALA."

[Cin]

Originally Posted by Miss Tick

This is why it is important for these people to find reasons for doing something that breaks away from the symbolic meaning behind the choice. People have a need to ignore cognitive dissonance.

I wanted to explain this more fully. Because when I reread it, it sounds like I'm advocating that people find reasons to do something that breaks away from the symbolic meaning. That is not the case at all. I am not personally advising that this is important. What I am saying is that people have a need to do that to ensure that there is consonance between what they believe and their actions. That is what is often behind a group of people making the same personal choice but instead of having the expected or typically understood reason for doing so they each have different reasons for making the same choice.

It is also why people often hate being asked to explain and examine their beliefs or the process by which they have reached their opinions. It is why we find people, who are on a discussion board where the purpose, one could not be faulted for believing, is to actually have discussions, angered by being asked to discuss. Questions that ask people to challenge their beliefs are difficult. It is the reason we hear so many people say it’s just my opinion and I’m entitled to it. I don’t have to explain myself. Which effectively cuts off any chance for discussion. This desire to shut down the other person, or shut up oneself, increases dramatically when someone is being asked to look at how they are holding conflicting beliefs, ideas, opinions, etc. It is uncomfortable to do this so people look for a way to achieve harmony between opinions or actions. It requires a good deal of mental and emotional gymnastics at times to achieve consonance, but discomfort increases this type of athletic prowess exponentially.

I'm not talking about anyone in particular or even about this thread specifically, although focusing on honeybarbara's questions brought this stuff up for me. I know it is not an answer to her questions, it's more why there is not likely to be satisfactory answers to her questions. To lots of questions.

[Chancie]

Originally Posted by Miss Tick

<snip>

Cognitive dissonance easily explains the lack of interest in examining uncomfortable and opposing beliefs. It’s stressful. "I believe that women and men are equal." "I believe that butches are not men." "I believe that butches and femmes do not engage in heteronormative behavior." Etc... Strong personal beliefs such as this coupled with choices in direct conflict with those beliefs create cognitive dissonance. Who wants to deal with that?

I think this is what makes many people cover their ears and go "LALALALALA."

What she said.

[*Anya*]

It doesn't make me uncomfortable to look at my own cognitive dissonance.

What has made me uncomfortable is the underlying feeling of shaming I have felt for those of us, mostly femmes; that chose, will chose or want to chose: our partners name.

I know someone will jump in to say : "there is no shaming going on here".

I know what I feel.

Feminism used to be an almost abstract concept for me. I was on the outside looking in when I was my most vocal and sure in my beliefs.

That means I was not in a relationship. Of any type-men or women but men were pretty much in my rear-view mirror for good.

I was never going to be an instrument of the patriarchy ever again. Hell no! Not me.

Then, after many changes: I became on the inside.

Living inside a relationship as I am today.

My current relationship brings up many issues for me.

We are both in our 6th decade of life.

For those of you that are young, you can read about the second wave of feminism but for those of us that are older and that were politically active in the late 60's and 70's-we lived it. Marching in the streets, protests, demanding the rights of women to abortion (how painful to watch those gains slip away) and marching for women's liberation.

Sometimes I wonder what we had gained and what we have truly lost. (Did we ever have "it" in the first place?)

My love and I try to do the very best that we can to honor our feminism, knowing full-well that we are fully socialized into a patriarchal society.

I think a difference is that we are aware and not pretending to ourselves that it has had no effect on us.

I no longer have the time to fight the same battles that I used to fight. Now, I just want to live my life, have a measure of happiness and grow old with her.

I make no apologies for wanting to change my last name to hers.

Part of feminism to me is acceptance of each woman and her choices.

No shaming or judging.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

It doesn't make me uncomfortable to look at my own cognitive dissonance.

It does make most people uncomfortable to hold two or more conflicting beliefs or opinions. I'm glad you don't have a problem doing it. Most get a feeling of unease and have to shift things around until they feel comfortable. May I ask what particular cognitive dissonance you were looking at in this case that was NOT making you uncomfortable? Or were simply speaking generically, like cognitive dissonance doesn't affect you? Or did you mean there is no cognitive dissonance for you concerning this issue, but if there were any it would not make you uncomfortable?

[Cin]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

My love and I try to do the very best that we can to honor our feminism, knowing full-well that we are fully socialized into a patriarchal society.

I think a difference is that we are aware and not pretending to ourselves that it has had no effect on us.

I no longer have the time to fight the same battles that I used to fight. Now, I just want to live my life, have a measure of happiness and grow old with her.

I make no apologies for wanting to change my last name to hers.

Part of feminism to me is acceptance of each woman and her choices.

No shaming or judging.

I reread your post several times because it's easy to miss something important when you just read a post once or even twice. I think I see the possible dissonance you were referring to. And I see why it would not make you uncomfortable. I totally get that. I too understand that I have been "fully socialized into a patriarchal society" and I also make no apologies for being willing to give my name to Truly if she wants it. And I identify as a feminist. Any dissonance that might cause I am fully capable of shaking off. Is that what you mean?

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by Miss Tick

I reread your post several times because it's easy to miss something important when you just read a post once or even twice. I think I see the possible dissonance you were referring to. And I see why it would not make you uncomfortable. I totally get that. I too understand that I have been "fully socialized into a patriarchal society" and I also make no apologies for being willing to give my name to Truly if she wants it. And I identify as a feminist. Any dissonance that might cause I am fully capable of shaking off. Is that what you mean?

I started out writing another long, exhaustive explanation of what I meant.

Then, I wondered why.

I said everything I wanted and needed to say in my post.

You know I love your mind and respect you greatly MT, but that said, I think I am going to leave it right where I left it.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I started out writing another long, exhaustive explanation of what I meant.

Then, I wondered why.

I said everything I wanted and needed to say in my post.

You know I love your mind and respect you greatly MT, but that said, I think I am going to leave it right where I left it.

And I hope you know I feel the same about you. I would hate to have said something upsetting. I always try to be respectful in my posts. And I certainly don't disagree with anything you are saying.

No worries that you are done with this. I don’t have to understand everything. And I can take no for an answer. Actually I hear it a lot because I ask a lot of questions. I know I can be exhausting. I'm learning not to .

I have nothing but respect for you.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by Miss Tick

And I hope you know I feel the same about you. I would hate to have said something upsetting. I always try to be respectful in my posts. And I certainly don't disagree with anything you are saying.

No worries that you are done with this. I don’t have to understand everything. And I can take no for an answer. Actually I hear it a lot because I ask a lot of questions. I know I can be exhausting. I'm learning not to .

I have nothing but respect for you.

MT,

Not upsetting at all. You are always respectful.

One of my issues is always explaining.

I always had to justify myself as a kid and frequently find myself doing that as an adult <<<<<<just like here

I try not to do that when I feel done with something.

I can with the best of them.