Is Marriage for you?

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Its different in the states. Divorces are not generally as cheap as yours and can carry on for years.

To be fair, it really depends on the people involved. I know of people who did it by just filing papers online for a few hundred dollars. They went their separate ways cleanly the way ICC did.

Others, who even had money, child support, and property involved may have used lawyers, but still did it quick and easy. A meeting or two between their lawyers and that was it. People have the option to make their own agreement, or simply follow the monetary "formula" (alimony, child support, etc), stated by the State that you live in (for my state you can find it on our government web site).

I don't profess to know how different it is state to state and maybe it is a longer process in some states (including yours, JDeere), but I really think it is only if people don't agree. Yes, it CAN carry on for years with lots and lots of heartbreak, but it depends on the people and if they do not want to follow what your state suggests or can't come up with their own agreement of terms.

ICC, that is scary as hell that people just co-habitating can have legally binding issues. No wonder living with someone is not an option for you! Hell!

(Also, ICC, how about you give us initials to use for your name? I don't know what you like and I still want to call you HB!)

[MsTinkerbelly]

I was divorced from my daughter's father after 10 years of marriage, 8 living together and 2 more so he could claim 1/2 my social security should he not remarry. In California, if there are children involved you have to go to a class on the effect your divorce will have on the family...I picked him up and we went together. We both had Lawyers do our paperwork, because we wanted it done right...neither one of us asked for spousal support, and I refused child support with the exception of he kept her on his medical insurance until she was 15 and he could no longer work.

NEVER in the time we have been apart did I ever say one negative word about her father, and to his credit I never heard anything bad from him...heck, I even used to send money with her for food and activities when she spent her visitation time with him. I still have a deep respect and love for the man who fathered my child, but he wasn't female and I couldn't live that lie any longer.

Even with all of this sunshine and roses, I grieved the end of a marriage I swore I would be in until death do us part. Marriage is not a decision to be made lightly, and if it takes years to make sure you are doing the right thing, then take years...no judging here.

[Tuff Stuff]

I believe we were ready..so we did it.Nothing changes,we both know our boundaries...it's just that we fucking did it!.The thing is "I" "Me" "Mine" is now "We" "Us" "Ours"...yep,nothing changed.*snort*

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

To be fair, it really depends on the people involved. I know of people who did it by just filing papers online for a few hundred dollars. They went their separate ways cleanly the way ICC did.

Others, who even had money, child support, and property involved may have used lawyers, but still did it quick and easy. A meeting or two between their lawyers and that was it. People have the option to make their own agreement, or simply follow the monetary "formula" (alimony, child support, etc), stated by the State that you live in (for my state you can find it on our government web site).

I don't profess to know how different it is state to state and maybe it is a longer process in some states (including yours, JDeere), but I really think it is only if people don't agree. Yes, it CAN carry on for years with lots and lots of heartbreak, but it depends on the people and if they do not want to follow what your state suggests or can't come up with their own agreement of terms.

ICC, that is scary as hell that people just co-habitating can have legally binding issues. No wonder living with someone is not an option for you! Hell!

(Also, ICC, how about you give us initials to use for your name? I don't know what you like and I still want to call you HB!)

Imp is fine. Or IC. Or ICC. Or titsalina. Lol I don't care, I know who you are referring to.

And yes, I could have made our divorce last years. That was my point. So thanks. You can be quick and easy or it can be costly, hurtful (more hurtful than it already is. I didn't believe in divorce for myself so it felt like getting a layer of skin peeled off. I'm of the same opinion as Tinkerbelly). And it depends on if the people involved are angry, self-righteous, other blaming, vindictive arses. Yes, my exwife did something cruel and broke her promises. But she also wasn't mentally healthy and I believed her decisions were made in a depressive spiral. Hurting her more wouldn't have "taught" her anything. She is her own chaos, her own storm. And I certainly wasn't innocent. I wasn't peaches and cream to live with.


And I think the legally binding thing with cohabitation is good. So many people don't believe in civil marriage but shack up and have kids and spend money together on places, it's the easiest way to make it fair. A long time ago, back in the 1500s, in many places in Europe, that's how marriage worked anyway. You said "you wanna be my wife?" They said "yup" and they moved in. No ceremony needed. That was for the farmers and land workers and lower guilds. If you had money/title, then the person got chosen for you and there were witnesses and probably a church person there.

Modern marriage didn't happen till mid 16th century. When Henry had his fit, along wth John Calvin and Luther and invented prodestantism and the whole anti Catholic thing started.

Then *everyone* had to have a ceremony, it had to be by the prodistant church or a church official, and you had to pay for it. So prodestant ministers that liked a bit of tipple married poor people in pubs for much less money and still signed the paper for you.

Anyway. Yeah, personally think those that live together, have kids and make investments together should be recognized equal to married and with equal obligations. Seen too many of my friends get screwed with long term cohabitation and no rights, someone just empties the house and fucks off and leaves a kid. Or kicks them out. They aren't married. You paid into their mortgage for six years.

I think it's a good idea.

When my mom had a domestic partnership through cohabitation, they both drew up legal documents stating neither one had rights to the others house or accounts - so basically a cohabitation prenup. Which was very good idea because when he died, his kids wanted half my mom's house as well as his.

So. It's always good to put it on paper. Your partner may not be an arse, but if there is no will , maybe their kin are.

[DapperButch]

I think titsalina fits you perfectly, so I will go with that one (speaking of tits....well, your tits, specifically... we need them back in the photo gallery. Please and thank you.).

I agree that if people live together for a long period of time, and of course if they combine accounts, there should be a legal piece to the breakup.

However, I have a problem with the two year mark. That's nutso. I say 5 years for your Canadian approach.

I think that people need to protect themselves when it comes to co-habitating, like your mother did. I know that the plan for myself and the lovely TF was to at some point after she moved in to get the house appraised. Then, at the time of break up/purchase of a home together, we would do another apraisal. At that point she would get half the equity that had grown over the time we lived in my house together.

If you don't do something like that the person moving into the other person's home gets screwed if there is a break up. If they weren't with you, they would have been building equity in their own home instead of living with your stupid ass for years.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Tuff Stuff

I believe we were ready..so we did it.Nothing changes,we both know our boundaries...it's just that we fucking did it!.The thing is "I" "Me" "Mine" is now "We" "Us" "Ours"...yep,nothing changed.*snort*

Congratulations on your marriage! May you always have enough of everything to make living and loving together worthwhile.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

I think titsalina fits you perfectly, so I will go with that one (speaking of tits....well, your tits, specifically... we need them back in the photo gallery. Please and thank you.)
Heh. I would but my face is attached to them!

I agree that if people live together for a long period of time, and of course if they combine accounts, there should be a legal piece to the breakup.

However, I have a problem with the two year mark. That's nutso. I say 5 years for your Canadian approach.

I think that people need to protect themselves when it comes to co-habitating, like your mother did. I know that the plan for myself and the lovely TF was to at some point after she moved in to get the house appraised. Then, at the time of break up/purchase of a home together, we would do another apraisal. At that point she would get half the equity that had grown over the time we lived in my house together.

If you don't do something like that the person moving into the other person's home gets screwed if there is a break up. If they weren't with you, they would have been building equity in their own home instead of living with your stupid ass for years.

I think I'd put it at 3 years. Mainly because heterosexual couples tend to have kids much faster than we do. Our five is more like their 2.5 or less. Much less.
And when kids come into it, game change. I think the 2 year decision was based around the average amount of time kids entered the picture from first moving together. I could be wrong but I thought I read that somewhere.

Anyway first marriages/long term cohabitations tend to fail at the 5-6 year mark (that I read) so I'd put the starter mark at three, unless a child is registered to the couple at any point after cohabitation/domestic partnership starts.

[JDeere]

I've heard that in some states if you are living with someone for over a year and claim them as your spouse, you are common law married.

I have never understood this, why not just get married but I can see how some folks can feel that an actual marriage on paper can affect things, it's one thing calling them your spouse and another being married by law.

< insert strange look on face here

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by JDeere

I've heard that in some states if you are living with someone for over a year and claim them as your spouse, you are common law married.

I have never understood this, why not just get married but I can see how some folks can feel that an actual marriage on paper can affect things, it's one thing calling them your spouse and another being married by law.

< insert strange look on face here

There are 16 states that create common law marriage in some form or another. Some only recognize those from before certain dates (meaning you may no longer create one) and New Hampshire, which only recognizes them for inheritance purposes.

You must present yourselves as married to the community(I'm John and this is my wife Mary) pay joint taxes and get a legal divorce should you split. It is a myth that it automatically happens just by living together, but in those states you should have something signed and notarized that you are living together as two free and independent people (should you not want a common law marriage) if you don't want any issues down the road.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

There are 16 states that create common law marriage in some form or another. Some only recognize those from before certain dates (meaning you may no longer create one) and New Hampshire, which only recognizes them for inheritance purposes.

You must present yourselves as married to the community(I'm John and this is my wife Mary) pay joint taxes and get a legal divorce should you split. It is a myth that it automatically happens just by living together, but in those states you should have something signed and notarized that you are living together as two free and independent people (should you not want a common law marriage) if you don't want any issues down the road.

That's what I thought! All I've ever heard was about presenting to others as spouses deal.