Open Letter: Dear Femme

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by evolveme

This is precisely the way that I see it.

We lose our autonomy only to the degree that we allow it.

And as Arwen goes on to say, particularly for mothers (and lovers), we may have to disabuse our children and partners of the notion that we ever belonged to them. I do not believe, and have never believed, that my child belongs to me. She came through me. I am her guardian as long as she is with me and until she can suffice herself.

This is what *I* do: I suffice myself.

Sometimes this is read as selfishness. And it may be. But I believe it is more true that I am simply a solitary creature. My roles are of a temporal nature relative to who and what I am. Don't misread, my love is fierce. But it does not define me. My mind defines me before my heart does. Unless we are speaking to my compassion. This also defines me. But never in the sense that I am giving myself away for it.

That is less compassion than martyrdom. And I am no martyr.

Oh my. This hits home. I am being told daily by my child's father and even members of my family how selfish I am for leaving my marriage and letting myself be me. I do not subscribe to the notion that being a good mother means that I give up me, my needs, my dreams.

I do believe I belong to my child and she belongs to me until she is old enough to take care of herself and love as a grown woman. I don't think that means that I have to lose my identity as a woman.

I have been shocked at the harshness of the criticism I have recieved from other mothers. There is a policing that goes on.

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by evolveme

Oh, Lady, I know how to get your gendertrashy ass right where I want it.

Don't you doubt me.

,

e

P.S. Apologies to The Arwen for any discomfort caused by overt girl-flirting. <wink>

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW GROSS! Gag!

grin. Not really. I am uncomfortable when it is overt sexual flirting from another femme directed at me. It reminds me of how inadequate I am as a lesbian. (whole 'nother thread...don't go there)

However if you brain flirt with me, you're on...my list already.

Originally Posted by blush

And can I just say that the dialogue in this thread is some of the best I've read in a longlong time. I love femme brains.

This was really really funny to me because right before I read this post by you, I was thinking something very similar. It's been a long time since I've seen a thread go this many pages with nearly no uproar to speak of.

What is WRONG with you people?

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I have been shocked at the harshness of the criticism I have recieved from other mothers. There is a policing that goes on.

Here's a thought for you to try on. See what you think.

Maybe they are harsh because you are doing what they cannot. Maybe we are crueler and meaner and try to rein in harder those that do what we secretly wish we could?

[Diva]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

Oh my. This hits home. I am being told daily by my child's father and even members of my family how selfish I am for leaving my marriage and letting myself be me. I do not subscribe to the notion that being a good mother means that I give up me, my needs, my dreams.

I do believe I belong to my child and she belongs to me until she is old enough to take care of herself and love as a grown woman. I don't think that means that I have to lose my identity as a woman.

I have been shocked at the harshness of the criticism I have recieved from other mothers. There is a policing that goes on.

We are bound together by this.

I left 20 years ago and heard it to the point where I really thought I would (or DID) lose my mind. The guilt trips from every member of my family and his, the accusations, he had me tested for AIDS (because I was told that the insurance we had required it. It was a lie.), the coersion between my ex-husband & my therapist to try and convince me that I was not a lesbian, the middle-of-the-night surprise visits to my home ~ camera-in-hand, the outings (without my knowledge) and the shunning were (and still are) unbelieveable to me. I was followed by PI's, I had restraining orders against me and then later, my partner.

If I wrote it all down it would be a great made~for~TV movie.....people would not believe it....it is so bizarre.

[apretty]

Originally Posted by Diva

We are bound together by this.

I left 20 years ago and heard it to the point where I really thought I would (or DID) lose my mind. The guilt trips from every member of my family and his, the accusations, he had me tested for AIDS (because I was told that the insurance we had required it. It was a lie.), the coersion between my ex-husband & my therapist to try and convince me that I was not a lesbian, the middle-of-the-night surprise visits to my home ~ camera-in-hand, the outings (without my knowledge) and the shunning were (and still are) unbelieveable to me. I was followed by PI's, I had restraining orders against me and then later, my partner.

If I wrote it all down it would be a great made~for~TV movie.....people would not believe it....it is so bizarre.

and you *should* write it. i believe all of our stories are valuable and a testament to where we've been and how far we need to go (as a society).

[julieisafemme]

I am so sorry you know about this too. Honestly I was shocked at the reaction from people. Part of it is that I did not wait the proscibed amount of time before dating and that this was somehow not ok for my child. This was from my Dad who cheated on my Mom while married and then married his mistress! But see that is ok because he is a man. Me I needed to wear the widow weeds for 10 years and then go about the business of being me. I was faithful to my husband until the day I left my home. I had the great good luck, fortune and blessing to meet a wonderful person. What a shameless lesbian I am!! I wonder also what the response would have been if I had met Straighty McStraighterson biomale man dude.

Does it still hurt Diva? Somedays I feel so worn down I just want to dissappear.

Originally Posted by Diva

We are bound together by this.

I left 20 years ago and heard it to the point where I really thought I would (or DID) lose my mind. The guilt trips from every member of my family and his, the accusations, he had me tested for AIDS (because I was told that the insurance we had required it. It was a lie.), the coersion between my ex-husband & my therapist to try and convince me that I was not a lesbian, the middle-of-the-night surprise visits to my home ~ camera-in-hand, the outings (without my knowledge) and the shunning were (and still are) unbelieveable to me. I was followed by PI's, I had restraining orders against me and then later, my partner.

If I wrote it all down it would be a great made~for~TV movie.....people would not believe it....it is so bizarre.

[always2late]

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I am so sorry you know about this too. Honestly I was shocked at the reaction from people. Part of it is that I did not wait the proscibed amount of time before dating and that this was somehow not ok for my child. This was from my Dad who cheated on my Mom while married and then married his mistress! But see that is ok because he is a man. Me I needed to wear the widow weeds for 10 years and then go about the business of being me. I was faithful to my husband until the day I left my home. I had the great good luck, fortune and blessing to meet a wonderful person. What a shameless lesbian I am!! I wonder also what the response would have been if I had met Straighty McStraighterson biomale man dude.

Does it still hurt Diva? Somedays I feel so worn down I just want to dissappear.

I cannot speak for Diva..only for myself. Yes, it hurts. My parents do not openly condemn me, but they have, in hundreds of small, cutting ways, become allies with my ex-husband, the father of my son, who to this day still threatens and looks for ways to take my son from me because of who I am. As for the outside world...even those people who claim to be tolerant still ask about my "lifestyle" and what effect "all this" has on my son (like it is some contagion that should be in quarantine).

[blush]

Originally Posted by apretty

does anyone else feel that her personal 'femme' is being abused (under-appreciated) when we're accused of being less-than supportive (or of blatant misogyny)?

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Kind of yes, when all the conversation seems to be about being supportive, making sure everyone feels OK about themselves.

We co-dependently try to please everyone and maybe lose ourselves in the midst?

Is that what you mean?

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

This resonates with me. I am pretty unclear on how we personally have been responsible for this. In my mind I see myself going in the other direction (against the grain) quite a bit. Pushing the use of Female pronouns (for those who prefer them) No "you are boy so you do this automatically and I am the girl so these are my duties" kind of thing. Saying "no Cynthia likes to be called Cynthia, not Sydney or Chris to make you feel more comfortable".

Do you think it was meant in general? or that each and every one of us has contributed? Or is it kind of like racism and we are all implicated? Its the system and there is no escape?

Originally Posted by always2late

I cannot speak for Diva..only for myself. Yes, it hurts. My parents do not openly condemn me, but they have, in hundreds of small, cutting ways, become allies with my ex-husband, the father of my son, who to this day still threatens and looks for ways to take my son from me because of who I am. As for the outside world...even those people who claim to be tolerant still ask about my "lifestyle" and what effect "all this" has on my son (like it is some contagion that should be in quarantine).

Anyone want to add comments? I tried to hit the last questions we've had in the thread. If I missed a question, it's not intentional.