Open Letter: Dear Femme

[hippieflowergirl]

Originally Posted by Bit

I sure never expected it either. I've never known anyone who was actually straight to consider their femininity the way we do... and honestly, I wonder if this is partly (or even mostly) because the Queer female community as a whole spent twenty years trying to redefine "woman," and femininity came in for some hard questioning during that period.

i've wondered if this is due, in part, to a hetero-normative belief that some queer women "want to be men". i think back to the butches and transguys i know who were forced into feminine roles as younger persons? there are so many perceptions of "female", "femme", "feminine", "femininity", etc and gender presentation is so infinite and fluid...damn...now i'm rambling. you're stretching my brain again Bit...

Originally Posted by Bit

I will say frankly that sex and being Femme are inescapably entwined for me; I personally cannot be who I am as a Femme without acknowledging myself as a sexual being... if I weren't a sexual being, what would differentiate me from, say, a nun?

ditto. i dont say that they cant be considered separately or that one is wholly dependent on the other for me...but one certainly feeds my deeply personal satisfaction in the other.

Originally Posted by Bit

I'm not certain how to answer you articulately... I was SO squashed before I came out, and it was only the power of wild lust that drove me to take a chance on loving a woman. There was nothing intellectual about THAT decision, no analysis; I didn't even have the language to understand a discussion like we're having today. Hell, I couldn't even admit that I was a Lesbian for years. When I finally got over the "I'm not a lesbian; I just happened to fall in love with a woman" phase, I stayed stuck in the "I must be bisexual" phase for a couple more years.

So for me, being Femme and being a sexual being, they are tied so tightly together that they're the same thing. For me, sexuality is part of femininity and I cannot see how I could be a Femme in any other way.

while i didnt have the same experience with phases...when i came out i came like i was spring loaded and have never considered myself bi-sexual...i used the word "lesbian" because i had to. there was no word (that i knew of) for how i felt. hell, i couldnt even define who i felt i was because, like you, my vocabulary and language was constrained by my limited life experiences. "lesbian" was the only word i knew. i no longer consider myself a "lesbian". i am a femme. i cant always explain that in words but there's a pit of my stomach understanding that tells me i've hit personally relevant pay dirt.

i think everyone is a sexual being, even the celibate. they simply choose to do something different with that piece of their humanity than i do. sexuality and my personal choices in sexual expression are inseparable from the creature that is "ME". perhaps the confidence, the comfort in my own skin, the "rightness" i feel with regard to being a sexual being is exponentially supported and enhanced by the same confidence, comfort and rightness of being a femme. the defining details of "woman", "lesbian", "genderqueer", "butch", "femme", and etc (no offense/limitations to expression meant by stopping the list there...it's just that it could go on forever) may be subtle to some and screamingly obvious to others.

we each compile our own vocabulary of self-definition based on internal and external experience and environment, and we learn more as we go on ~being~ . as we acknowledge new experiences the defining words and concepts we use come into focus or change, for some of us they change radically. (as an example, i didnt know that being a transensual femme was an option in life until i was in my mid to late 30s. my understanding of the world and experiences with it didnt include the language for the physiological knowledge i felt. my brain didnt comprehend what my cells understood completely.) i dont think that focusing experience ever stops. it just becomes more subtle as we age and come into our authentic selves.

Originally Posted by Bit

BUT certainly I am not a sexual being like the stars of pop culture are; to begin with, their image of sexuality is my image of famine, so I'm stymied at the get-go.

(laughing) DITTO

Originally Posted by Bit

Does any of this even make sense or am I rambling like crazy here?

not only do you make sense...your rambling makes hella sense.