Loving a Transman Isn't Easy

julieisafemme · 10-22-2011, 11:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stacy

Well if that is the case then it's too bad it was posted here because I think the FTM's and butches that have posted here have added significantly to the conversation. There input would be missed by me. IMHO

I agree Stacy. The conversation is definitely going to be different here in a public forum but as I said before I am ok having it with the input of transmen.

betenoire · 10-22-2011, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I agree Stacy. The conversation is definitely going to be different here in a public forum but as I said before I am ok having it with the input of transmen.

So long as the transpeople in question can go ahead and take a backseat since this is the Femme zone.

SelfMadeMan · 10-22-2011, 11:29 PM

Well, the way I see it, the partners here - who are so seldomly supported as they transition with their FTM partners - might benefit from seeing that there are transmen who do realize that there's a serious communication wall. I would be the first to leave if it were made clear that our input wasn't wanted here - but I feel it speaks to the fact that some of us have grown to realize that we've been ignorant in the past to our partners transition. I didn't come in here to interrupt the conversation or take it over, but to say, this is a serious issue that I've been guilty of contributing to, but have learned to listen to. When a lot of these women are accused of being transphobic for having issues with their partner's transition, I think it helps to have transguys step up and have their backs. That's all.

julieisafemme · 10-22-2011, 11:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by betenoire

So long as the transpeople in question can go ahead and take a backseat since this is the Femme zone.

For you yes. For me I have no expectations of this being a private space to have a conversation. As long as those participating are respectful then I am ok with it. I don't expect anyone to take a backseat.

Random · 10-23-2011, 07:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

For you yes. For me I have no expectations of this being a private space to have a conversation. As long as those participating are respectful then I am ok with it. I don't expect anyone to take a backseat.

How I read Bets post was...

All are welcome, but please remember that this IS in the femme zone. The topic is how partners of transpeople might be conflicted or feel less than positive about their partners transition.

I read it as, please participate but don't make it all about the trans experience from the trans side of it..

DapperButch · 10-23-2011, 07:59 AM

The OP did not state whether it is open for FTMs/transguys/others to post. I think that is typically the way we determine if others identities are welcome to post in a particular zone. I think that lettertodaddy needs to come back to say what is her preference. My guess is that she doesn't really have an investment in who posts in this thread, but it would be helpful if she came back and stated it clearly <waving to lettertodaddy>

For ME the way I approach threads that do not state the above is to tread lightly until I see how (in this case) femmes respond to other genders/identifiers posting. If it seems cool (which it has in this thread), then I may post. However, I still tend to feel like I need to "take a backseat" to the gender's/identifier's (in this case femmes) that the thread is in (and it does seem to ME that overall that is happening here...meaning the thread isn't being "taken over" by those who do not identify as femme).

ETA: My second paragarph is similar to what Random posted. I wrote my post prior to reading her post, but that covers mostly what I meant.

Quote:

Originally Posted by betenoire

So long as the transpeople in question can go ahead and take a backseat since this is the Femme zone.

The_Lady_Snow · 10-23-2011, 08:15 AM

There are 102 replies to this thread 34 by butches and transmen the rest ate femme or women. That's hardly a take over. I still feel it's ok that some people have come into say that hurtful verbiage is not ok to just skip over. It's not something some people are willing to sweep under the rug, I can express my feelings all I want about the men in my life but certainly not in ugly words & derogatory slurs.

Gemme · 10-23-2011, 08:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I guess it hurts more coming from a queer person.

I find this true. The same statement or accusation can come from outside the community and I be fine with it (aka don't get my feathers ruffled by it) or can ignore the person or people saying it but when it comes from within the community, the wounds are far deeper and slower to heal. It truly does hurt more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I think it is difficult to have dialogue about anything without varying perspectives and points of view. I always read the differently ID'd zones and I have posted in zones that were not my own identity.

That said, I do wonder if people, in general, do mind that we all, at one time or another, post in zones that we do not ID.

Should we keep some spaces only for those that the zone ID's specifically, in that space? How would it even be policed?

This would be a good poll, I think.

This discussion has come and gone a number of times over the years. I'm not sure if there was ever a definitive decision on it but you are right in that policing it would be a logistical nightmare and not everyone plays nicely or shares well, especially if it's a hot topic.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Random

How I read Bets post was...

All are welcome, but please remember that this IS in the femme zone. The topic is how partners of transpeople might be conflicted or feel less than positive about their partners transition.

I read it as, please participate but don't make it all about the trans experience from the trans side of it..

I read her that way too.

betenoire · 10-23-2011, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DapperButch

The OP did not state whether it is open for FTMs/transguys/others to post. I think that is typically the way we determine if others identities are welcome to post in a particular zone. I think that lettertodaddy needs to come back to say what is her preference. My guess is that she doesn't really have an investment in who posts in this thread, but it would be helpful if she came back and stated it clearly <waving to lettertodaddy>

Now I'm certainly not trying to answer for anybody who is not me, but the OP -did- thank the post where atomiczombie pointed out that this thread is likely in the femme zone for a reason.

lettertodaddy · 10-23-2011, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by betenoire

Now I'm certainly not trying to answer for anybody who is not me, but the OP -did- thank the post where atomiczombie pointed out that this thread is likely in the femme zone for a reason.

Yeah, I can speak for myself.

I thanked atomiczombie for hys post because I appreciated the sensitivity hy showed by realizing that this thread was posted in the Femme Zone, and as such, maybe it would be more appropriate for the discussion to take place among femmes only. I don't agree or disagree, I just wanted to thank hym for recognizing that it might be an issue for some folks.

As for me, this isn't my site, and I'm not interested in policing the thread. If others feel that this thread is best left to femmes only, I trust that they'll take that up with the site admins. I don't have a horse in this race one way or the other.

lettertodaddy · 10-23-2011, 02:55 PM

I also want to say without appearing flip that the only reason I posted this in the Femme zone was because the article was because it was from the POV of a femme involved with a transman. I don't want it to seem like I did it to exclude other voices or contributions, but that considering the subject and perspective, the Femme Zone seemed like the best place to post it.

Words · 10-23-2011, 04:25 PM

Blue isn't a transman but Hy's had top surgery and is on T, neither of which would have been possible were it not for Hys regular visits to a London based gender clinic.

The worst part of the whole experience from my point of view (apart from the awful mood swings that I put down to Blue being on the wrong medication)? Receiving a copy of the letter sent by the gender clinic psychologist to O/our family doctor and realizing that the most intimate details of my relationship with Blue in general and O/our sex life in particular were now no longer private. I was angry with the psychologist, I was angry with the system that made sharing the information a necessity, and for a time, yes, I was very resentful of the fact that no one - including Blue - had sought my permission to talk about things that related to my life as much as they related to Blue's (I still question the ethics of this and honestly feel that somewhere along the line, my permission should have been sought.)

Apart from that, no complaints whatsoever (apart from the 'man sweat' socks - those are nasty

)

Words

10-23-2011, 08:15 AM	#7
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,077 Times in 15,669 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	Hmmm There are 102 replies to this thread 34 by butches and transmen the rest ate femme or women. That's hardly a take over. I still feel it's ok that some people have come into say that hurtful verbiage is not ok to just skip over. It's not something some people are willing to sweep under the rug, I can express my feelings all I want about the men in my life but certainly not in ugly words & derogatory slurs. __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden Last edited by The_Lady_Snow; 10-23-2011 at 08:22 AM.

10-23-2011, 02:55 PM	#11
lettertodaddy Member How Do You Identify?: dorky queer femme bottom Preferred Pronoun?: feminine ones Relationship Status: single, dammit. Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: vancouver, bc Posts: 240 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 157 Thanked 715 Times in 158 Posts Rep Power: 8075874	I also want to say without appearing flip that the only reason I posted this in the Femme zone was because the article was because it was from the POV of a femme involved with a transman. I don't want it to seem like I did it to exclude other voices or contributions, but that considering the subject and perspective, the Femme Zone seemed like the best place to post it. __________________ "If I'm in a room full of cookies, the cookies ain't got no damn chance." - Charles Barkley The meaning behind my screen name:

10-23-2011, 04:25 PM	#12
Words Member How Do You Identify?: Queer femme submissive Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: UK Posts: 969 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,449 Thanked 4,258 Times in 677 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Blue isn't a transman but Hy's had top surgery and is on T, neither of which would have been possible were it not for Hys regular visits to a London based gender clinic. The worst part of the whole experience from my point of view (apart from the awful mood swings that I put down to Blue being on the wrong medication)? Receiving a copy of the letter sent by the gender clinic psychologist to O/our family doctor and realizing that the most intimate details of my relationship with Blue in general and O/our sex life in particular were now no longer private. I was angry with the psychologist, I was angry with the system that made sharing the information a necessity, and for a time, yes, I was very resentful of the fact that no one - including Blue - had sought my permission to talk about things that related to my life as much as they related to Blue's (I still question the ethics of this and honestly feel that somewhere along the line, my permission should have been sought.) Apart from that, no complaints whatsoever (apart from the 'man sweat' socks - those are nasty) Words

10-22-2011, 11:29 PM	#3
SelfMadeMan Member How Do You Identify?: Transsexual Man Preferred Pronoun?: Male Relationship Status: Married to The Woman of My Dreams <3 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Minnesota Posts: 802 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 796 Thanked 2,668 Times in 527 Posts Rep Power: 18972345	Well, the way I see it, the partners here - who are so seldomly supported as they transition with their FTM partners - might benefit from seeing that there are transmen who do realize that there's a serious communication wall. I would be the first to leave if it were made clear that our input wasn't wanted here - but I feel it speaks to the fact that some of us have grown to realize that we've been ignorant in the past to our partners transition. I didn't come in here to interrupt the conversation or take it over, but to say, this is a serious issue that I've been guilty of contributing to, but have learned to listen to. When a lot of these women are accused of being transphobic for having issues with their partner's transition, I think it helps to have transguys step up and have their backs. That's all.