Unconditional Love... is it really unconditional?

[hippieflowergirl]

Originally Posted by SassyLeo

Interesting when I read the part about being a "cop out", etc, I actually started thinking about how I have a hard time with the concept of being with someone forever. I've never been able to say it to anyone. Like "I will love you forever". I think it is unfair to promise "forever" and maybe "unconditional love". When I hear people say "we will be together forever", my gut reaction is not "woohoo, yay for you", it is more like: "right" *eyeroll*. Maybe I am cynic or a realist or whatever you want to call me... but I'm not sure I'm a subscriber. Life happens, people change, feelings change, etc. If I promise someone -forever- and then it turns out to be -forever for 5 years- there is this sense of having lied, or letting someone down or betrayal.

I'd rather say "I'm in *this* as long as we are happy and it *works*

People have told me that this school of thought is kind of like a "cop out"

Maybe it is...I'm on the fence.

i smell what you're stepping in! (sorry, i'm enamored of that phrase these days) i dont know that "unconditional" is the same as or equals "we'll be together forever". i'm a great believer of the "as long as we're happy and it works" thing. when people break up it's not always because the love is gone. right?

i love fairly easily but i only fell in love...hard....exactly one time...and not in my youth either. it was earthshattering, gut-wrenching, heart-pounding, mind blowing, direction-reversing, insane, perfect, eyes-wide-open-to every flaw (for us both), forward my mail to crazytown love....and it's only happened that once. i am still in love that deeply and with that much devotion...and we are not "together" in except on that cellular level that shuttles you into perfect sync everytime we talk. no amount of hurt or distance or separation will ever change that for me.

that's unconditional for me.

the only other example i can think of is a woman i know whose son is a serial rapist. he's in jail for the third time, i hope forever. she hopes so too because his brain is so damn sick that she fears for people when he is not. and she loves him. she never wants to see him outside a jail. but she loves him like crazy.

that blows my little love out of the damn water. i freakin' want to grow up to be her. i want to know...i mean to know without exception...what it is like to love that perfectly.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by hippieflowergirl

i smell what you're stepping in! (sorry, i'm enamored of that phrase these days) i dont know that "unconditional" is the same as or equals "we'll be together forever". i'm a great believer of the "as long as we're happy and it works" thing. when people break up it's not always because the love is gone. right?

i love fairly easily but i only fell in love...hard....exactly one time...and not in my youth either. it was earthshattering, gut-wrenching, heart-pounding, mind blowing, direction-reversing, insane, perfect, eyes-wide-open-to every flaw (for us both), forward my mail to crazytown love....and it's only happened that once. i am still in love that deeply and with that much devotion...and we are not "together" in except on that cellular level that shuttles you into perfect sync everytime we talk. no amount of hurt or distance or separation will ever change that for me.

Isn't that amazing? I've felt that a few times and although I miss being in love, I'm not sure I ever want to go back to that again. lol- it just overly complicates my already complicated life.

Loving isnt hard for me. Sharing space, my space is. To allow someone in that space again it would mean they literally worshiped the ground I walked on, existed to please me and adored me. They would need to be very accommodating to my needs. Otherwise I'm happy spending time with people I love but I want and need my own space. I think my last time really in love was it for me. It would take a lot for me to open that door completely and I'm not sure God makes many humans like that,

[Bit]

Originally Posted by hippieflowergirl

the only other example i can think of is a woman i know whose son is a serial rapist. he's in jail for the third time, i hope forever. she hopes so too because his brain is so damn sick that she fears for people when he is not. and she loves him. she never wants to see him outside a jail. but she loves him like crazy.

that blows my little love out of the damn water. i freakin' want to grow up to be her. i want to know...i mean to know without exception...what it is like to love that perfectly.

Ohhhmigawd, I personally cannot imagine anything more agonizing! I'd never want to know what that feels like. It's hard enough loving ordinary people when they act like jerks... loving someone who does things which could actually be classified as evil? omg no... I would find that to be utter torture.

My heart goes out to anyone who finds herself in a situation like that! I honestly don't think I can imagine anything harder.

[JustJo]

I previously posted this "elsewhere", but it's still true for me...

Anyway...unconditional love...we talk about it as if it's an ideal, a goal, some loftier version of love than the plain ol' everyday kind. And I'm not entirely sure that's true. Don't get me wrong...it sounds lovely. And it is, in fact, the kind of love I have for my child (where I think it's appropriate and well-placed). But I think that unconditional love between adult partners is somehow often misplaced...

It seems like every time I read or hear someone say "unconditional love" in the context of an adult relationship, it's immediately followed by a list of horrible and even hateful behavior. Why is that? Why do we think that because we love someone unconditionally that it means we should accept mental, physical and emotional abuse at their hands? Why does it mean that we respond like that dog...wagging our tails after being kicked? It's almost as if, by picking the partners we picked, they use our "unconditional love" as a license to mistreat us, rather than appreciate us...and that's just wrong.

For me, unconditional love is what I want to do inside of a fundamentally sound, respectful, (and I suppose conditional) relationship.

Let me (at least try to) explain...
If my "partner" abuses me, cheats on me, kicks me when I'm down...then they aren't my partner. We don't have a love relationship. What we have is an abusive relationship, a using relationship or a messed up game. And, if that's what we have, then I'm gone. For me, there is no call to be loving to someone who is abusive in return. Period. Again...just for me...but that's absolutely and completely non-negotiable. And yes...that's a condition. My conditions for being with me are honesty, faithfulness, reciprocated love, no abuse of any kind and true commitment.

Now, if we have those things...then what we have is a loving relationship. And, inside of that, I will love unconditionally. I will love you when you're sick, in a bad mood, struggling with insecurities or confusion, and any or all of your human frailties and foibles. And I expect that you would love me unconditionally and do the same for me. I do not expect perfection or even consistent good behavior...we are human and fallible and magnificently flawed...and I can embrace all of that. I expect that there will be times that I am carrying the whole burden, and times that you will. I expect that there will be times that I don't feel loving, and times that you won't. I expect that we will disagree and argue and struggle with things between us. I expect that we will both screw up and have to ask forgiveness from each other. And all of those things are fine and okay and even good...because they forge a connection...a connection that allows us to love and trust each other unconditionally and completely.