Bed Side Preference and Dominance

[Cin]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Oh! PS. Of course I want to protect people I love. I can be extremely fierce when I feel threatened or afraid for their safety. It's just I rarely feel threatened. I rarely feel unsafe in that way. I am also extremely confident that I, and they, will be able to handle whatever unforeseen event might happen. I just don't feel the worry. I *have* been very threatened. And hurt. I grew up being tortured by a psychopathic brother that I was left in care of. I was raped quite a few times by quite a few people. But all the hurt and pain suffered, all of the threats and damages has never come from the unknown or the stranger or the boogie man in the bush. The delivery of pain and suffering and damage has always been from people I knew and trusted.

The majority of attacks against my person that have done physical and lasting damage have come not from someone breaking into my home and hurting me in my bed, but from the person already sleeping next to me.

And I know police data gathered about rape, assault and murder of women, only something like 4% comes from a stranger. The boogieman isn't in the bush or outside my window. The boogieman is most often sleeping next to me.

I get that the monster wears the face of my family member or in some cases my neighbor. As a kid, I was not beaten or burned by someone hiding in a bush jumping out every now and again to assault me, although it might have felt that way. Nor was I sexually abused by some stranger climbing in my bedroom window at night. It is absolutely true that the delivery of pain and suffering and damage has, at least while I was a kid, been from people I knew and should have been able to trust, more than that, people whose responsibility it should have been to protect me not hurt me. And since that is the case I have no answer as to why I am hypervigilant always scanning my environment for possible threats. I can only make guesses. Perhaps as an adult since I no longer fear the people I love, I must look elsewhere to satisfy my feelings of being unsafe. I have found a way to trust the people in my life, but having been deeply wounded I must find a place to put my misgivings and my mistrust. Perhaps there are other explanations. I don't know. We all find ways to live in peace. At least I hope we do.

I just feel much calmer and safer if I have a plan to protect my wife and myself. I would rather have the plan and not need it than need a plan and not have it. I would be perfectly happy not to feel this way, but I can't imagine that happening. It seems cavalier and foolish to take such chances. I get that you cannot plan for every possible contingency and I have gotten much better over the years. I used to indulge my hypervigilance to a degree that was exhausting. I won't even get into it. You would think I was certifiable. I have gotten much better, so there is hope for me yet.

I think Montreal might suit you just fine. I've never been to Europe, but I'm told that Montreal is very European. I know it is very different from Boston. I could analyse and examine the whys of that for hours. I have lots of ideas and theories. I totally get what you are saying about needing to examine the reasons behind pretty much everything. I find it endlessly fascinating. And it does drive people batshit. So many people have told me that talking to me feels like an interrogation. I guess probing and prodding might feel like that. I have tried to soften my technique. I kept finding it harder and harder to find people to play with. I certainly never mean any harm. It's all fun and games to me and people so inclined can poke, probe and prod around in my head all they want. I just don't find that many takers. Mostly I find people with chastity belts around their brains.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Re poking and prodding - I always tell people "I like to poke things in tide pools, metaphorically"
So I do the same. But I usually use a distraction technique.
And I, I don't mean any harm either, sincerely. I'm just hopelessly curious and pleased by stories and back ground and theory. I'm sure if put in the wrong light, it looks manipulative and cold. But I am not. I'm deeply appreciative. I'm just not very... Gushy. Internal feels. I'm better at expressing care by interest or joking and it often doesn't carry.

Fair point on the view angle that my stance must look cavalier in comparison. I can see that. I never thought of it looking that way but I suppose it must. Thank you for pointing that out. Interesting, indeed. I suppose that why some people find me irresponsible and flippant in a way.

[Cin]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Fair point on the view angle that my stance must look cavalier in comparison. I can see that. I never thought of it looking that way but I suppose it must. Thank you for pointing that out. Interesting, indeed. I suppose that why some people find me irresponsible and flippant in a way.

That wasn't actually a point I was trying to make. Sorry if it came out that way. I would like nothing better than to be less hypervigilant. I was thinking about how it feels for me when I try to believe I could live in the woods somewhere out of sight of any other houses and feel okay not having weapons and such. I think about having dogs, but then I immediately think how shitty it would be if I couldn't protect them. I like the idea of living away from everything but the safety thing rears its ugly head and I know I would need to address it in some way. I wasn't thinking about anyone else being cavalier and foolish. These are just my feelings. I would never put them on anyone else and expect others to feel the way I feel.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Oh, lol I wasn't insulted. I just realised that it might actually look that way. Rather enlightening thought, really. Bit of an epiphany. It's not negative. Even if you didn't mean to lob it my way, I am sure to many people it *must* look that way. I like understanding outside points of view reflected back. It's valuable!

[firegal]

I think using the example that someone will bolt into your beroom and u have to react is kinda the farfetch approach.

I like the closest to the door because I do investigate when I hear a noise and the quickest way is what I like. I live in a moderate area not good not bad.

my experiences is ive heard a noise and interrupted peeps syphoning gas out of my truck,and heard noise and folks were breaking into my storage shed, stole CD player out of my car..
.......heard noise and found guy in my lil pond high and not sure what he was gonna do!

I had some one bang on my door at 3 in morning.

These are just my experiences and why I like to sleep closest to door,because I do and will jump up and check it out....and many times with phone in hand.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Miss Tick

I just feel much calmer and safer if I have a plan to protect my wife and myself. I would rather have the plan and not need it than need a plan and not have it.

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

I get that.

[cinnamongrrl]

I've stopped picking sides and now I sleep in the middle...easy peasy