Dating a Trans Person (FTM)

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by Zora77

I keep coming back to his thread and reading through your responses that all are tremendously helpful. I assume that embarking on this journey will come in many stages and facets that differ greatly from person to person. There is one that I currently am chewing on and not too much has been said about it (maybe because most of the trans folks and their partners who did respond here are on T).

I have a few questions for those of you whose partner is pre-T and pre-op: Does he pass? Are you being perceived as a female/male couple? If not, how do you deal with the issue of being perceived as two women? And how does it impact how you perceive your partner and yourself? Does it?

For some reason this is something that I do think about at this point because R. does not pass. In appearance and body language he is less ‘masculine’ than some female identified butches I have dated and he is more emotional and sensitive as well – even more than me. In my conversations with friends I run into surprised reactions and disbelief (because they all met him as a woman). And when I’m honest there is this part of me that has doubts and I feel really bad and guilty for having these thoughts.

It would be lovely if some if you could share more about transitioning without T and surgeries. How do you deal with the "but he does not look like a guy" response?

This really challenges me - but ultimately I think it's a good thing.

Thanks.

Though my partner has had surgery and been on T for two years there are still times when he does not pass. It varies wildly as to when this happens. I don't see it as being viewed as two women. I see it as being viewed as queer, which is ok with me. I correct the person's incorrect gendering of my partner and move on. It has no impact at all in how I perceive myself or my partner.

Don't feel guilty for having any thoughts or questions. I think that is fine and you are entitled to that.

The community of transmen and transwomen is so diverse in how people feel about their gender and how they present it.

I agree with Firie in that it is not being mean or angry to clarify questions with questions back or to simply say "he is he" and leave it at that. I have found that the less I explain the better.